hopeless4ever Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Hi all, I feel so confused and awful as of now and looking for some outside insight. I appreciate in advance to anyone reading this, as I'm gonna try to go in to detail/background of my situation. As of today, three weeks ago my girlfriend and I broke up after a 5 year serious relationship. We went to high school together and liked each other since we were 12. Throughout high school, I always was in love with her. She had a couple boyfriends when we were in school, and I was always just there waiting for her to be mine, without much love action going besides that. Around 11th grade, she left her boyfriend and then started dating me. It was like a dream come true and everything was beautiful. i had my first sexual experiences with her, but never actually had penetrative sex because I got nervous and could never perform. That was a big hit to my ego. Towards the end of 12th grade, she started talking to this older guy she had met through me and my friends. During that summer the relationship turned sour and I confronted her about that guy and told me it had nothing to do about it. I was moving abroad to go to college that fall of 2009 so a month before I left we decided we were going to break up when I left. So the day came and we broke up; she said she loved me so much and that I would always be the love of her life. Two weeks after I left, my friends told me she started dating the guy I mentioned before. I felt so humilliated and cut contact with her. I was devastated and she seemed happy with this new guy and didnt mind showing him off in front of all the people I knew. In the meantime, I was 17 and recently moved to the US by myself. It was horrible. I hooked up with this one girl and couldnt perform because I felt like total ****. As months went by I felt better as I did not contact her at all. Throughout early 2010 i had seen a couple girls (not as much as I should have) but I just couldnt perform. My ego and self steem seemed to be shattered. That summer of 2010 I made a trip back home and she told me she wanted to talk to me. After months of no contact she told me how sorry she was about the whole thing and how much she regretted what happened. She promised never to hurt me again. She then told me she had cut it off with this other guy and that she maybe wanted to give it another shot with me because she was moving to the US on that fall of 2010. Being like I am, i totally melted and fell back for her and decided to get back together. I was happy again, and sex finally worked for me. We both lived in New York for the following years, had a great relationship and for the most part everything was great. She completed me and really was an awesome girlfriend. I had forgiven her for what happened and she really made it up for me. For some reason, i had many chances to cheat on her but I just couldn't. I could never do that to there and I had no interest at all in other girls. The relationship went great up until early 2014 where she was having some issues at home (grandfather died, cheating dad) within a month. I then discovered she had been chatting with one of her ex's from high school on Facebook. I found a note on her diary that said that she was talking to him more than ever but she knew how bad I would feel if I ever found out. When I eventually found out, I told her that I was breaking up with her. I felt so pissed and betrayed again. She then assured me there was nothing going on and that the talk was purely platonic. i then settled down and forgave her and believed nothing was going on. She assured me she could never hurt me again and had no interest at all in this guy that lived back home. The relationship went on throughout 2014 with lots of ups and downs after that event. I saw messages throughout the year from that guy and she said she didnt respond to him anymore. I did notice them sharing similar stuff on Facebook from time to time. I did not trust her anymore but I am so insecure that i would never escape this relationship. i still want to believe, and she stills assures me that nothing went on with this guy. Late 2014, she tells me she's going to Europe in Spring 2015 for her last semester abroad. That was like a stab in the chest. She assured me we would stay together and that she would never cheat on me, since it would only be 4 months. I was all in to stay with her and remain loyal in NYC. The plan was to get "married" when she got back in May 2015, because she's a US citizen and my papers would expire by then. The whole thing about her leaving turned our relationship to its worst and it sucked towards the end. I was not happy in the relationship but due to my insecurities I would never get out. In December 2014, we both go back home for winter break and I just wanted to have a good time with her before she left. She was acting super distant and cold towards me. i then became super insecure and needy, by the fact that I could see the breakup coming, she was leaving soon and the guy i mentioned before was in town. I confronted her all the time about this guy and she told me that nothing was going on, that she would never do that to me. All my friends assured me nothing was going on between them. We were still "together" and planning on staying like that over her trip to Europe while I was back in NY. Two days before she left to Europe we broke up. It was the right thing to do. It was mutual but I feel like she enforced it a little bit more than me. We agreed that we just needed that time off because we were so young and we werent getting along. I get back to NY and i've been going out a lot, desperate looking for girls in search of valdiation since ive only been able to be with this one girl. i know I have big insecurities that are haunting me and I need to feel happy without her or with other girls. I hooked up with this girl this weeekend, after two weeks of breaking up. She was hot and cool, but my ex was still in my mind. Took her home but couldnt perform. That was another big hit to me. Now I"m stuck with these growing insecurities and feel like I'm not able to find other girls or perform sexually with them. I've been thinking about seeing a therapist because I think I ahve borderline personality. Talked to my ex today, she says she misses me but doesnt want to go over the details of the breakup etc.She says she's still down to marry me so i can stay in the US but doesnt have plans as of now to get back together. She has been amicable to me since then and had been worrying about my well beinga lot. However, I think she is healing fine and it's killing me. I want to feel wanted and desired by her. i know its selfish but I hate that she's doing fine. Makes me feel replaceable and unloved. This makes me question the whole 5 years I was involved with her. The whole issue about marrying for the papers is really getting to me, as I feel like I need her for that because I do NOT want to go back home. I've been forcing myself to find girls to **** to repalce her, but in the end I just dont feel happy. I wish I had never met this girl, because I feel like I'm forever tied to her and no one else will ever love me. Hopefully I can start to succesfully have sex with other girls, but it's so hard at the time as my self esteem is very low and I feel very insecure after all these failures.
Hija77 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I don't know what to say about the sex thing, other than its possible you're so nervous things won't work, that that's what manifests. If you're really worried, I'd see a doctor. As far as the girl, it sounds like she's sending you some serious mixed signals!! She says she'll still marry you if you're around, but she isn't trying to be a couple at the moment? What's that all about? It doesn't make sense. It's clear you don't trust her, and I wouldn't either. For your own sanity, I suggest you stop communicating with her on any level. I'm sorry you're so sad. When I started NC with my ex, I thought I would last about a week. It's been almost 3 months now, and it isn't really hard anymore. I have my moments, but I'm smart enough to realize that there's no point in reopening those old wounds again. Just so you know, it was a 7 year relationship, so I know where you're coming from in terms of the time invested. It's hard to let go. Just be glad you didn't get married. Then you'd have to pay to leave. Good luck!!!!
Recommended Posts