bassslappin Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Hey there. I guess I'll give a quick story... I met her when I was 24, she was 27. I've dealt with some anxiety and depression in my life, which somewhat resulted in me being a late bloomer. I lost my virginity to her, she was my first gf. Other than a 5 year "internet relationship" in my teens. Whom I never ended up meeting. We both kind of had our sadness, and we identified with each other in that way. For the most part we were normal though, we had a lot of good times. She drank sometimes, ALOT, for the purpose of blanking out feelings for a little while. And I, have been a weed smoker daily for ten years. I would miss family functions, seeing her friends, and even going to her place a lot because her brother lived there, due to this social anxiety. It caused fights. I also would have a silly thought now and then of "Is the first one the only one" which sabotaged my view of the relationship sometimes. I was never in touch with my feelings a lot, but I loved her. It ended when I missed her birthday get together. I had gone to one the year before, and it was fine... but I couldn't bring myself to go to this one. Two days later, sad and alone at her parents house. She got drunk, got caught, and lost her license for 5 years. Two days later she came over, and said to me... I don't think you really want this. I felt very guilty, and like she could be with a better man, so despite my love for her, I said maybe we should take a break. Two weeks later she said we should just be friends. We would hang out here and there for 6 months until she stopped replying to my texts, and calls. Her life has gotten alot better, and I understand why she wouldn't want to speak to me. It's two years later. I started having panic attacks 3 months ago. I see a psychologist now. I have slipped into a bad depression, to the point of suicidal thoughts. I'll be starting an anti-depressant soon. I have ulcerative colitis, and a form of arthritis as well, that isn't being medicated fully... and the stress is making it act up bad. The worst pain is still over her. I think about her when I wake up, and before I go to bed, and mostly all in between. My anxiety/depression has kept me from, and messed up a lot in my life. And I feel like this is the last straw. I miss her so much.... I feel like I lost the love of my life. Perhaps the most pathetic detail of this, is my mom, being very worried about me...(I didn't know) called her recently, and asked if she would speak to me as I was going through a real rough time physically, and mentally. Apparently she was nice about it, but said "he wasn't there at my darkest time, I don't feel its my responsibility to talk to him" And I get it. She's moved on. I'm not sure why I'm posting here. I guess for someone to tell me it'll be alright, even if it might not be. Or to talk some sense into me... Thanks
Chi townD Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 It will be alright and you're taking all the right steps. If you're still hooked on her after two years then you definitely need to see a counselor to help you let go. If you feel that this is the lowest point of your life. Then, there's only one direction to go and that's up! Hang in there. Post as often as you like because there are people here that will listen. Dude, it's time to take your life back. Two years is far too long.
Author bassslappin Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Your right, two years is too long. It makes me feel like I'm just.... ****ing crazy heh. I just can't seem to say goodbye in my mind.... I can't even think of anything bad about her, It's all good. Thanks for the reply. Appreciate it.
Kinetica84 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Have you stopped smoking weed buddy? If you haven't i would start there.
EgoJoe Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 You've been taking the blame for her baggage for far too long. Forgive yourself, see a Psychologist and decide to move on.
Author bassslappin Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Since the panic attacks started, I've been smoking alot less. It's hard, because its really my only source of relief. I asked my psychologist if I should work on stopping and he said to not worry about it too much right now. I get REALLY depressed these days without it. Nonetheless, I know its something I should stop. Once those happy pills kick in, I'll likely give it a shot...
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