SerCay Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 A comment in my latest thread got me thinking... I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship about 6 months ago.. All manipulative, abusive games there are to be seen from a boyfriend, I have seen...literally. I can see through it all. During the relationship, when I understood that I was being co-dependent, I started working on myself and doing research. Right now, I'm in such a self-reflective place that I understand ALL my thinking patterns and I recognize ALL abusive or manipulative behaviour from others. This has lead me to be very negative in general towards stories of my friends...I can see all their negative, co-dependent patterns and I do not hesitate to call them on it...On the other hand, I also see healthy relationships of other friends, and I feel proud, and I think to myself, I wish to be like that when I meet the right person... I used to have romantic thought...I used to believe in true love, and I used to believe that people who struggle eventually will get it right with each other.. What happened to me, did I become bitter? I mean I go around thinking I can see through patterns because I lived it and then got into te books about it, I consider myself wise...but what if I'm just bitter? Do I ever go back to the old me, the -somewhat naive and positive about all kinds of love- me? (I kinda liked her better I guess)
StalwartMind Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I don't think any of us ever go back, we all take our experiences into account and refine ourselves. You are likely somewhat bitter, but that doesn't have to be considered as too much of a negative trait. You can be a positive person but your defensive mechanism will always put your awareness on high alert towards potential abuse. You transfer your person experience and feelings into your conversations with friends and warn them on things you feel is a clear sign. I would personally tread a bit carefully doing that, especially if you come of as imposing yourself too much. While I without a doubt am sure you are wise, you can never see or anticipate every move, despite you believe you've seen it all. Humans have endless ways to be deceptive but I do believe you can learn to protect yourself to never be caught completely off guard. You can learn to have romantic thoughts again and believe in love, you have no idea how or when someone can come into your life and completely change your attitude and perception of..well almost everything, and you'll see how negative emotions will be exchanged with positive ones. All in all, I don't feel there's anything wrong what you say or think and as usual with an open and sensible mind, you'll learn that people are so completely different, than anything is indeed possible. To anyone that think that all men or women are the same, because of bad experiences, it's simply not true. Most of us experience things on a daily basis of stuff we do not like very much, whether it be in actions of us or just how the world is unfolding. No matter what, we can all impact our own life in such a way that it is mainly filled with a positive and healthy energy. Be yourself always, someone will notice it eventually or maybe one already has. Nothing good comes from a closed mind, except limiting your options. 1
Quiet Storm Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I think we all evolve based on experiences and education. I did the same thing you did, except it wasn't about an abusive relationship, but about my dysfunctional family. I learned all I could about family of origin issues and I can spot dysfunction a mile away. I don't think it's made me bitter, it's made me smarter and more observant. Nothing wrong with preparing yourself for the real world. 1
Author SerCay Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 "True wisdom comes to us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us." Socrates While I'm absolutely not saying that I actually know everything about eveyything, I'm going to go ahead and say that I can actually see through most people's relationship troubles. People that I am close with. I know them, I know what they tell me, I know their partners, so I see what's going on based on my knowledge of the psychology of relationships. This quote is a general quote. I accepted that I knew nothing on this paticular subject of abusive relationships and co-dependency, therefore I started learning about the psychology of relationships, focusing on manipulative and abusive relationships. The combination of me knowing my friends, and their SO's and my knowledge of abusve patterns in relationships creates a vision that I can't deny. Of course there's much more to learn. But I think Socrates meant this in a philosophical kind of way. Not practical.
autumnnight Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I think when we are hurt by someone we loved and trusted, the pendulum swings. Right now, your pendulum is swinging heavy in the "keep up your guard; the betrayers could be anyone" side. This is understandable because you are hurt and you want to protect yourself. And yes, when we grow, we DO learn to spot problems and the patterns that we see in ourselves in others. I think that is called wisdom. At some point your pendulum will probably swing a bit in the other direction, and eventually, you will find a medium that gives you peace, keeps you safe, and still allows you to be open. 1
salparadise Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) Right now, I'm in such a self-reflective place that I understand ALL my thinking patterns and I recognize ALL abusive or manipulative behaviour from others. This has lead me to be very negative in general towards stories of my friends...I can see all their negative, co-dependent patterns and I do not hesitate to call them on it... I'd say you need to ease off of the all-knowing delusion before you find your self choking on a big ol' slice of humble pie. I hope these friends you're calling out have a tolerant and understanding nature. What do you think they're thinking when you're pointing out their relationship issues with an air of all-knowing authority? Sometimes when we become hyper-focused on a particular thing and learn a bit about it, we can end up with tunnel vision. When that happens we tend to relate every situation to that which was recently learned and lose the ability to see the full range of possibilities and put it all in perspective... The concept known as the law of the instrument, Maslow's hammer, Gavel or a golden hammer is an over-reliance on a familiar tool; as Abraham Maslow said in 1966, "I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail." (Wikipedia) It you read something new in a book, particularly soft-science subjects like psych, just think of it as one person's perspective, theory or opinion rather than physical reality. Let it become one of many possibilities within your range of awareness and resist conclusions... as if you're newly attuned to the wavelength of higher truths. We have no idea how little of what is, is perceptible to the human mind. The smartest, most learned people who've lived have also been among the most humble. Edited February 10, 2015 by salparadise 1
preraph Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 A comment in my latest thread got me thinking... I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship about 6 months ago.. All manipulative, abusive games there are to be seen from a boyfriend, I have seen...literally. I can see through it all. During the relationship, when I understood that I was being co-dependent, I started working on myself and doing research. Right now, I'm in such a self-reflective place that I understand ALL my thinking patterns and I recognize ALL abusive or manipulative behaviour from others. This has lead me to be very negative in general towards stories of my friends...I can see all their negative, co-dependent patterns and I do not hesitate to call them on it...On the other hand, I also see healthy relationships of other friends, and I feel proud, and I think to myself, I wish to be like that when I meet the right person... I used to have romantic thought...I used to believe in true love, and I used to believe that people who struggle eventually will get it right with each other.. What happened to me, did I become bitter? I mean I go around thinking I can see through patterns because I lived it and then got into te books about it, I consider myself wise...but what if I'm just bitter? Do I ever go back to the old me, the -somewhat naive and positive about all kinds of love- me? (I kinda liked her better I guess) You might learn to trust someone again, but you won't go into relationships giving them the benefit of the doubt. Your eyes will be wide open. But here's the bad news: Just because you know all these things now may not prevent you from reacting emotionally the same way you always did and being tolerant of the same behavior that led you to abusers to begin with. I know a lot, but when it comes to emotions, I really don't trust myself not to follow my old patterns (which weren't about abuse but more about becoming obsessed and insecure). I know all about it, but the triggers still get me. It's sad. Very hard to change. 1
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