lucy_in_disguise Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Need input on the situation I'm in. Me: 29 Got out of 4 year relationship last august Started new high pressure job where i am travelling all the time last month Him: 24 1 prior relationship that ended when he was 19 Us: Met at my old job Acquaintances for 1 year Fwb for 6 months Sexually exclusive for 1 month Hang out 2-3 times/ week - besides having sex we socialize with friends, run, go to concerts, go out to eat, etc. Issue: I have feelings for him and wonder if im wasting my time. At the start of this fwb, he made it clear he did not want a relationship. I actually ended it for a short period of time but after doing some OLD went back because i wasnt meeting anyone i liked and was too busy/ lazy to try harder. I figured he met my needs while i focused on my new job, and for a while, it worked. Over the last few months tho it has seemed like weve been moving forward. He texts me daily and we plan on spending the weekends together. We agreed not to sleep with other people tho that's as far as the exclusivity talk went. Despite the fact that its not ideal how slowly this is moving (if at all) this is probably the happiest relationship ive been in. I spent 10 years dating serious guys and trying to avoid this situation only to end up feeling empty and frustrated when the connection was lacking. This guy and i really click. I love spending time with him. We have similar interests and its fun and easy. On the other hand im 29 years old and want kids. From that perspective, i wonder if this is a waste of time. What should i do? Should i give this happy relationship more time? Or end it to pursue something that could more realistically result in marriage kids etc.?
PegNosePete Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 You need to talk to him and find out if he is on the same page as you, or if he still feels - as he originally said - "he made it clear he did not want a relationship". If he doesn't want a relationship then yes you're wasting your time. If he feels the same - go for it! Communication is the key. Do not assume anything. 4
Eaglestar83 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Talk to him first, but based on his history and age, this is unlikely to lead to marriage etc. he's only 24, I get your point that this feels natural, easy and unpressured with no expectations. In the ideal world, all relationships should be like that, when we are all living in paradise islands eating fruit off of trees and enjoying care free relationships. In the real world, there are bills, family, kids, responsibilities etc and unfortunately u do have to factor this in when ur planning ur future. Your fwb with this guy will work as long as its working, easy and fun. eventually u will have to move on and find a realistic partner with whom you can build a future. 2
stillafool Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 A 24 year old man is going to want to sew his wild oats while he can. I don't care that he says he isn't sleeping with others (uh, okay) the point is he has made it clear that he isn't looking for a relationship. I think you should stop being lazy (as you said) and look for someone who is interested in settling down soon and starting a family. Isn't that what you want?
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 My husband is 5 years younger than me & my dad was 5 years younger than my mom. Younger guys are not a waste of time. IMO your biggest obstacle will be going from FWB to a relationship. He may not be on that page while you're already hearing the ticking of a biological clock. You will have to talk about each of your expectations moving forward. 3
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 A 24 year old man is going to want to sew his wild oats while he can. I don't care that he says he isn't sleeping with others (uh, okay) the point is he has made it clear that he isn't looking for a relationship. I think you should stop being lazy (as you said) and look for someone who is interested in settling down soon and starting a family. Isn't that what you want? I guess I am struggling to figure out what it is i do want. I want kids but in a theoretical far-off future. I want marriage but my actions are frequently inconsistent with this expressed desire. I just accepted a job where i am working 70 hours a week and traveling 75% of the time. I don't feel like im actually ready to settle down and not sure what kind of relationship i can expect to have if im unwilling to compromise on my career. Currently my lifestyle is not conducive even to having a houseplant. Thus the prospect of dating to find someone to settle down with is not the least bit appealing. Yet i do want kids, eventually. Im worried that im making a mistake to keep deferring all that to the future.
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 My husband is 6 years younger than me....he just turned 20 a couple of weeks before we went on our first date. We have been together for over 25 years. So everyone is different. Not every 24 year old isn't ready for marriage. The most difficult part is getting out of the FWB. If you are in love with him, then it is worth pursuing.....marriage and kids can come along 3 or 4 years from now. I don't see any problem with him, I see the problem with you. You are the one that isn't ready. 1
mysteryscape Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I guess I am struggling to figure out what it is i do want. I want kids but in a theoretical far-off future. You're 29. That means that statistically you've already passed your peak of fertility. Every year from now on it's going to be less likely that you can get pregnant. Furthermore, the chance of birth defects goes up every year even if you do get pregnant. You're probably going to become less marriageable as you move into your 30's and beyond. There are zillions of women of that age desperate to get married and the supply of desirable men is probably much smaller -- the marriage, child-minded ones probably are mostly taken. So, if you really want to have kids, I would advise you to rethink your near- to medium-term goals. With this guy, find out soon what he is looking for. If it's not what you want, time to stop wasting your time and move on to looking for someone who wants what you do.
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 You're 29. That means that statistically you've already passed your peak of fertility. Every year from now on it's going to be less likely that you can get pregnant. Furthermore, the chance of birth defects goes up every year even if you do get pregnant. You're probably going to become less marriageable as you move into your 30's and beyond. There are zillions of women of that age desperate to get married and the supply of desirable men is probably much smaller -- the marriage, child-minded ones probably are mostly taken. So, if you really want to have kids, I would advise you to rethink your near- to medium-term goals. With this guy, find out soon what he is looking for. If it's not what you want, time to stop wasting your time and move on to looking for someone who wants what you do. Yah.. im aware of the stats... i guess im just struggling to reconcile this reality with the fact that emotionally, i dont feel like im "there" yet- at that place where i actually want to settle down and make compromises and sacrifices and take care of someone else. Could that mean i dont, in reality, want children? I feel like ive always checked "yes" for that box without thinking too much about what it means, assuming that at some point i would grow up and meet someone and it would all come together.
MissBee Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) Need input on the situation I'm in. Me: 29 Got out of 4 year relationship last august Started new high pressure job where i am travelling all the time last month Him: 24 1 prior relationship that ended when he was 19 Us: Met at my old job Acquaintances for 1 year Fwb for 6 months Sexually exclusive for 1 month Hang out 2-3 times/ week - besides having sex we socialize with friends, run, go to concerts, go out to eat, etc. Issue: I have feelings for him and wonder if im wasting my time. At the start of this fwb, he made it clear he did not want a relationship. I actually ended it for a short period of time but after doing some OLD went back because i wasnt meeting anyone i liked and was too busy/ lazy to try harder. I figured he met my needs while i focused on my new job, and for a while, it worked. Over the last few months tho it has seemed like weve been moving forward. He texts me daily and we plan on spending the weekends together. We agreed not to sleep with other people tho that's as far as the exclusivity talk went. Despite the fact that its not ideal how slowly this is moving (if at all) this is probably the happiest relationship ive been in. I spent 10 years dating serious guys and trying to avoid this situation only to end up feeling empty and frustrated when the connection was lacking. This guy and i really click. I love spending time with him. We have similar interests and its fun and easy. On the other hand im 29 years old and want kids. From that perspective, i wonder if this is a waste of time. What should i do? Should i give this happy relationship more time? Or end it to pursue something that could more realistically result in marriage kids etc.? This isn't about dating a younger guy, it's about dating a man who has been explicit that he doesn't want a relationship. This situation is a fairly common formula: Woman (often) meets man, likes man, man likes her, man says he wants no relationship, she agrees, they are FWB, they even do relationship-like stuff, no discussion of his feelings changing has occurred, but the more time spent the more she likes him, she agrees to the casual NSA relationship all while wanting kids and a future, then hopes man's feelings will change along with hers and he'll one day say you know what we have a future but often man says no such thing and she is heartbroken in the end or even thinks he is awful and a player even though he had been honest. I've been there too Lucy, so I know. I don't think you should assume anything here but go with his original statement of not wanting a relationship. Nothing is wrong with easy, fun and casual so long as that is what we truly want and know that's what it is. But don't go along with it if you want more, as you seem to. Him being 24 may mean he is a lot less interested in something serious and is in no rush, but that's not really the crux of it, the crux is he already said he didn't want that, whether he is 24 or was 34, if someone says that, believe them. Now that feelings for you have changed, bring it up, figure out how he feels and if you're on the same page. Don't "give it time" that's how you waste time. A man may be perfectly happy having sex, going to concerts and hanging out with you for months or even years in some cases yet has NO DESIRE to be your boyfriend or husband and too many women think that the more time spent it automatically will upgrade the relationship to more...does it ever happen? Sometimes, but usually both people's feelings change and they discuss that change and go from there. But if he has never brought it up and you haven't and you're just silently wishing that one day he will say so....don't, you will be making a mistake too many have made, Be frank. Tell him how you feel and what you want and if he doesn't want it then be honest with yourself about if you can truly continue this "relationship" or if you'd be better off breaking it off and finding someone who wants what you want. Edited February 9, 2015 by MissBee
Leigh 87 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 It isn't his age that is the problem. I know some early 20's men who are relationship minded and who don't want to sow their wild oats... You started as FWB; that is how he will always see you. If he was into you and felt something special, he would have known and he would have put fourth the effort to DATE you. Men know how they feel about a woman from the first time they get sexual with them; if he only viewed you as a FWB then, then he hasn't suddenly realised how into you he is; he would have felt like dating you from the start if THAT is the sort of woman he saw you as.
Vintage79 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I don't see the age things as being an issue - plenty of guys that age are getting close to getting married and kids...so that's not really the issue. The issue is what every one else has suggested, that he stated he didn't want a relationship. His feelings may be changing, but you need to talk to him about this - probably just tell him what you want (i.e. a relationship), and see what he says. You've known each other long enough, and while the context wasn't "relationship", given your intimacy, I would hope that such a conversation isn't that tough...
blackcat777 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Like everyone else said, you have to talk to him. The red flag isn't the age, necessarily; the red flag is that he point blank said he isn't looking for a relationship. If both sides really want to make things work, any relationship is possible. My man is about nine years younger and still in college. The age difference creates a unique dynamic, but nothing detrimental; I think it's an awesome teacher because it requires fostering respect on a special level, which can be illuminating and liberating. I love my man's perspective on everything. I don't want kids for another ten years, whether Cosmo says I'm a "puma" or not. But because of this, our "timelines" are more synchronous. I also took off and traveled for years after high school, so we're both in school right now. It's fortunate for us that our time lines DO intersect, considering the potential long term. Figure out where your boundaries are, what your needs are, and then have a talk with him.
mysteryscape Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Yah.. im aware of the stats... i guess im just struggling to reconcile this reality with the fact that emotionally, i dont feel like im "there" yet- at that place where i actually want to settle down and make compromises and sacrifices and take care of someone else. Could that mean i dont, in reality, want children? I feel like ive always checked "yes" for that box without thinking too much about what it means, assuming that at some point i would grow up and meet someone and it would all come together. I can't answer that for you, except to say that I think you should really ponder it seriously as you move toward 30. I will say that from what I can tell, a lot of women pursue a career and/or carefree romantic life and then hit their late 30's and realize time is running out and that their options are diminishing, and then are desparate to make up for lost time. I think it's something you should think about -- but only you can come up with the answers. Except -- I do remember a conversation at a banquet with a woman in another country. Her husband was seated at another table, and she and I got into a conversation somehow in which she said that he had wanted kids, not her especially, and she went ahead and did it, and she was deeply grateful to him for his wisdom in that matter.
Versacehottie Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 My husband is 6 years younger than me....he just turned 20 a couple of weeks before we went on our first date. We have been together for over 25 years. So everyone is different. Not every 24 year old isn't ready for marriage. The most difficult part is getting out of the FWB. If you are in love with him, then it is worth pursuing.....marriage and kids can come along 3 or 4 years from now. I don't see any problem with him, I see the problem with you. You are the one that isn't ready. I agree with this mostly. Though I may not think you have a problem or that he doesn't. He may really have to be taken at his word that he is not looking for a relationship. I guess since you two are spending time together like it is a relationship (at least as you describe it), you can say it's confusing to you and find out if you are on the same page. To be honest, on your end it may be real love or it just may be convenience and the need to be on some sort of time table so you feel like it's right. I think your real potential problems are: *assuming increased time together means his intentions have changed. *working so much that you want to slot in a person that is right there rather than truly choosing him if circumstances were different. No one but you and him can truly have the answer to these questions. That he is younger is not an issue unless either one of you makes it into one. That doesn't seem like the overriding immediate concern. I do think you may be trying to guard your future, which is pretty smart. Anyone you invest time into is a risk.You are going to have to ask yourself the hard questions of would it really pan out--but honestly no point in doing that unless his position has changed and he is interested in a relationship. Good luck
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Thanks. I am not sure if his intentions have changed since our conversation (which was back in october) but our dynamic certainly has. I will try to bring it up this weekend. One of the reasons i am concerned about his age is the fact that he has almost no relationship experience. Even if he were interested in something more serious i believe this fact makes him a high flight risk.
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