WakingUp Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I'm not asking who is the second choice, I'm asking if it makes it easier or harder on the OW to heal if they feel like the mm stayed in a bad marriage. Does that make sense? I know it's a convoluted question, I tried to write it as clear as I could... But.... The short answer... in my situation, it makes it easier for me to let go believing that his marriage is good. Its really got me thinking, this thread. Very interesting question really, and some interesting responses when it stays on topic.
pheonixrisen Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 But back to the original question. I think it's already been answered in this thread and a hundred others on this board. It seems to be what a lot of the debates are about and people go round and round on. Neither the BS or the OW want to be thought of as second choice, plan B. If the OW thinks the WS is staying in an unhappy marriage or staying for the kids or any of those other reasons, the BS is plan B. If the WS stays with the BS, the BS convinces themselves they aren't plan B (and that the OW was plan B) and they are choosing them (and not the rest of the package). It's all about believing you are the first choice, what they really want -- the problem will always be that regardless of what they say or do, only the WS knows the truth to that question. I am going to give my opinion on this ...I cannot speak for all bs , I can speak for my self ...and no this is not what it's all about or what it all boils down too ..who the ws chooses, who is the first choice or second choice ..Or as you stated what they really want ? ...and no we don't go walking around convincing ourselves if he chose to stay in marriage we are not plan b. their are more serious matter to consider and process and what it boils down too when bs decide to stay in marriage ... the ow is not a factor for me to consider or who is plan A or plan b .. for eg the most important and what it all boiled down too for me in order to work on my marriage is this ....how remorseful is he with his actions not words that he made bad decision And now that I know what he is capable off.. does the good in my marriage outweighs the affair situation ...so I can start building again brick by brick . I never asked my h to end his affair ..that came from him on dday...I did not ask him to make a choice ..i personally believe you cannot force someone to stop doing something if thats not what they want ...they will find a way to go back ...all i told him was till our divorce papers are signed i would like him to give me the courtesy as his wife that i gave him as my h...as far as I was concerned it was not his choice to make .. it was my choice if I wanted to choose to work on my marriage or choose to leave ...so no not all bs go around convincing themselves wow I am his first choice ..His plan A I am really extraordinary pat on the back ...take that ow...no we don't do that. 4
Maryme Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 The phrase "Sex - is a base of healthy relationships/marriage" has sense. It could be one of the biggest reason of problems. I know it is incomparable, but when my boyfriend and I had big difficulties in relationships, we used something like this 50 Shades of Play | Bondage to make sex better and it helped us somehow, we saved our relationships.
cocorico Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Think about it, a man who has another woman in the wings but still cannot get a divorce speaks volumes about how unhappy in his marriage he really is. No, it speaks volumes about how constrained he feels by his circumstances.
truncated Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) No, it speaks volumes about how constrained he feels by his circumstances. Whether he is happy being married or not happy being married is something only he knows, and it may fluctuate from time to time. He is the only one who knows how he feels. Studies have shown that many men who admit to cheating also say they are happy in their marriages and have zero plan on leaving. Of course, some do, but the majority don't. Whether they are miserable in their marriage or they are happy and just want a little "lovin' on the side" or they are somewhere in between, having an affair is a poor coping mechanism. Edited February 13, 2015 by truncated 5
seren Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I know that when my H had the affair he was unhappy, I knew something was wrong even though he denied there was, I knew a whole raft of stuff was happening that made us both unhappy. But, our marriage was not unhappy, we still laughed, liked and loved, made plans and he supported me through a truly awful illness. I am of the opinion that H was an unhappy man, unhappy with himself and he chose to cope with all that by having an affair, which in turn made our marriage unhappy. Some marriages are already broken before, during and after an affair, some are not, some affairs have love, some not. The decision to stay married after D day makes no sense to me, to stay an OW or OM makes even less sense. If the WS makes the decision or is given the choice to stay or leave and chooses to stay they have to weigh up what will make them more happy, surely. It isn't a competition, no one really wins anything. The WS holds the cards as to which way to go on D Day if the BS is willing to forgive and move along. The OW/OM is often treated appallingly by the WS who may or may not have promised the moon on a stick and used the premise of an unhappy marriage and a litany of what is wrong with the BS to explain away why they are having an a. The, I will leave when, adds to this. Having a D Day and the two worlds colliding is undoubtedly a wake up call for most WS as I don't know many BS who will sit back and be a third party. Just my opinion and experience. Unhappy or broken people have affairs and can be in unhappy or broken marriages, but, I would bet that most are happy in their marriages, but not with themselves. I would urge all OW/OM to tell WS to leave before having an A, and WS to ask themselves if it is they or their marriage that is broken. 4
still_an_Angel Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I'm not asking who is the second choice, I'm asking if it makes it easier or harder on the OW to heal if they feel like the mm stayed in a bad marriage. Does that make sense? I know it's a convoluted question, I tried to write it as clear as I could... But.... Can only speak based on my situation (LTA and no dday), I will find it harder to move on if MM choses to stay in a bad marriage. I would want him to be happy as well, but this is a decision that he makes and I have no control over that, so I will accept his decision and if its time for me to move on, he must accept this as well. As far as I know, MM's marriage is not all that bad, they have learned to navigate around each other and may have many more years together. I do not see who is the first choice and the second choice in my A, the W is/was the first choice, MM has already married her when I entered the picture. Just as it is also his choice to have a relationship with me. 2
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