Groovy Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Am I over reacting here like my date says? I just got back from some fundraiser dinner with my was BF. A month ago he got stoned after he promised me he wouldn't. Please note, in my past I have been to hell and back with drugs. I avoid it like the devil and would rather stab my eyes out with forks. I was very upset he did this. It not only concerned me he could get myself or him in trouble. But that he broke a promise and violated my trust with a broken promise a month ago. After an argument we made up and I thought I'd play it by ear. So at this fundraiser some co-worker of his seemed high. I commented that he needed eye drops! He told me he got high with him too and I just said I wanted to go home and not speak to him at all then. He said he was kidding and testing me because I said "a rare pot smoke is common in a bachelor". He said I am closed minded and it's about a control issue. He said it wasn't an issue until I made it a huge deal. I told him if he has an issue with it being important to him then he can date someone else, because I told him how I felt the first month we met. If he can't handle it after I communicate how I feel then he needs to get lost. I also told him I have every right to choose what I want in people I date so he should not manipulate me into feeling like I have control issues and am unreasonable. He has talked about marrying me! Well, obviously ganja is more important than love of his GF. He said he was kidding! That makes it all the more f_cked up. I told him it was f_cked up that he is testing me and lying to see how I react and that is no less unsettling. He tried to tell me he doesn't like being told what to do. That's fine. I've picked my battles and told him this one means a lot to me. I planned to let him spend the night. I have thought I loved this person. But I shut the car door and told him not to come in. He said "is this the end"? He told me to come back and talk to him as I walked away. I said "you tell me if it's the end" and slammed my house door, went inside. I have all these clothes of his in my closet and feel like doing nothing but setting them on the city sidewalk and torching them. I am so angry right now by the fact he lied to test me or he has an addiction he is denying. Either one totally sucks...
moimeme Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 It's unlikely he has an addiction, however he's got a habit that he doesn't want to quit. He said I am closed minded and it's about a control issue. He said it wasn't an issue until I made it a huge deal. He tried to tell me he doesn't like being told what to do. This is a basic difference in values. Drugs are a dealbreaker for you - for him, they're innocent entertainment that he doesn't want to give up. This will always be a bone of contention. He's not going to change. You're just as well to cut it off now.
Author Groovy Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 It seems to me he does it at least every month. It doesn't seem recreational when he is a 34 year old teacher. Maybe for a 15 year old! I agree it makes sense to just end the relationship despite everything it offers. Neither one of us want to change the way we feel. It's hard for me though because he has treated me better and made me feel like no one has in probably 10 years. He is the closest I have ever felt to wanting to spend my life with someone. He says it's an ultimatum I dish out with me or pot. So really what he'd like is for me to continue to be with him and silently accept something that makes me unhappy . That is not fair to me....
dreaming4ever Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 I know how you feel. My boyfriend does it every DAY! And we've been together for a year and a half. He hid it from me until I fell in love with him....it totally sucks! He's the person I would want to marry...but I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life hating something that he considers a lifestyle. Honestly, he says to me, "smoking pot is part of my lifestyle, part of who I AM!"...it's ridiculous and makes me angry as well. I honestly think I'm going to end up leaving him over it b/c he'd pick it over me....and I just think that is ridiculous....and sad too. Especially since he said he wouldn't even quit if we had kids. Ugh!!!!! I just dont' get people and their need for drugs....for an escape....deal with reality!! I honestly feel for you though....
Author Groovy Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 If it's not an addiction why don't they quit using? I used to love drugs until they got me spiraling down wanting to die, and almost did. I know the signs and I think that's why I am upset. It's rampant in my family too. One of biggest fears is ending up with somone who has a drug or alcohol problems. I notice his friends look high, or that he argues cases like I give him ultimatums, it's my control thing, it's recreation, I already give up so much for you, blah blah blah. If it's not a big deal they won't do it. He doesn't have to listen to me when I tell him what shirt I like on him or how I feel about goatees on him or the extra weight gain. But he knows this is a big deal breaker for me so why is it still an issue after 3 conversations? I know he was married to a women who was an abusive alcoholic. It seems like he may have been part of that dysfunction in the relationship after all. The hard thing is I don't even know he got stoned. But the whole "test" he did violated my trust. That like me saying "I got drunk and f_cked some guy last night. Ha ha, I am just kidding and wanted to see how mad you'd get". It would be so twisted and insensitive.... Sami, you can talk about it but girl, save your breath! He rather smoke up then consider his girlfriends feelings. I think that right there says it all. I plan to break it off today. It is just not worth it to me. Part of me is hoping now that he knows how strongly I feel that I will end it all, that he will change. But I know that is unrealistic. He wants to change anything else but the one thing that bothers me the most.
dreaming4ever Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Ya I'm planning on doing the whole break-up thing soon too I think. And yes I've talked to my bf about this plenty of times. I tell him smoking pot is an escape and he should stop escaping. I honestly don't drink, do drugs or anything like that. I don't understand the need for any of it. Deal with reality and learn to be happy from other things in life other than artificial substances, that's what I say. I just wish more people would listen. My boyfriend always says that he's been doing it for 10 years almost every day and it's part of who he is and that he'd be a much angrier person if he didn't do it. He says I'd hate who he is if he didn't do it. I disagree. When I break up with him I'm going to make sure to say to him that the main reason I don't want to be with him and CAN'T is the drug thing...I just can't deal with that forever. I refuse. Maybe that will make him think....but I honestly doubt it. He just doesn't get it. I just wish he would grow up and realize what's important in life....but I'm highly skeptical of that happening. We've had a million discussions about this but.....I dunno....he's one of those people that thinks he's always right so no one can convince him of anything. *sigh*
Author Groovy Posted April 8, 2005 Author Posted April 8, 2005 Well, after I left him a message and asked him to get his stuff out of the closet he begged for us to talk. So we did. I had to go into detail about how much drugs hurt me growing up and I was just too afraid to be involved with him, regardless of how much he smoked or what he used. I actually started crying He apparently was married to his wife who walked all over him, would even push him or slap him. And that he was afraid I was making decisions for him with demands, which would end in more ultimatums later that he wasn't listening that it was about fear...not control. Then he apologized 500 times. It upsets me it was discussed three times before he finally understood. But I can see how this got so out of hand. I know relationships don't work out because people don't have the time or energy to give the other person like they should. So I will continue with this relationship. I know he may use it behind my back. That's fine, just don't make it a habit, don't make jokes about it or tell me about it and keep it all away from my presence. My favorite adage "Time tells all". If I end up anywhere a month, a year, a decade and this crap becomes an issue I will be leaving because I have done all that I should.
tokyo Posted April 8, 2005 Posted April 8, 2005 I think it's really nice that you are willing to invest the energy in this guy.
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