12 months on and I'm still grieving. What the...

[Lynx1677]

Ok, first of all this is my first post so hi all. Just wish it was under happier circumstances and this is my first post on a forum regarding my failed marriage so here goes....

 

I was with my ex partner for 14 years, 7 of those married. For the most part it was good until my wife started to do well in her job. She quickly rose the ranks and became very succesful which was great for her. Then came the long hours and weekends where she was constantly working. When she was home she would sleep pretty much the entire weekend and pay me very little attention.

 

Then I did the unspeakable, I cheated. It's not something I will ever be proud of but I did it. I guess I was feeling neglected and my sex drive is very high and sex always seemed something of a chore to my wife, which baffled me as when she finally did give in we always had amazing sex. Anyway, 8 months went on after me cheating and I just had to tell my wife. She took it well considering and then left for 6 months. I broke all of the no contact rules because to be honest, I was trying to win her back. Eventually she came back and we both agreed to make changes. We had our 7th anniversary in Prague in Nov 2013, loved every minute of it and had loads of sex. We were talking and cuddling and holding hands the entire weekend. It was what I had always wanted and dreamed my marriage could be.

 

When we came back I continued making positive changes, I had gotten myself into a lot of debt through expensive hobbies because they were a distraction over the previous 5 or 6 years which was and still is a millstone around my neck. I made lots of effort, cooking, cleaning and generally being the best husband I thought I could be. Then my wife started ignoring me, being distant and wanted to go out more and more and leaving me thinking what am I doing wrong. Then one evening I get a romantic film and try to make a nice night of it. She spends the entire time on her iPad chatting to some guy on Facebook laughing every few seconds. I was so enraged inside and hurt. I explained how it made me feel and she apologised. The next day we go food shopping and upon our return she tells me she's moving back to her mums for a while.

 

This was in Feb 2014. It took her 6 months to tell me what was happening. She never said she wasn't coming back until about 3 months ago. I am stil living in our apartment and she's living with her parents. I have decided to move into a rented room because living here is not helping my mind. I'm going through stuff to pack and I'm finding it really emotional and difficult to cope with. I find that I just want her back even 12 months on. I miss her very much, at least, I miss the woman I married.

 

So, how the heck do I get through this?! I would have thought after 12 months I would feel a lot better about things.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Dan

Edited February 9, 2015 by Lynx1677

[Holmes85]

Lynx1677,

 

First things first, you cheated on your wife, it might have seemed like that she took well, but from her actions afterwards, it's clear that she didn't want to be with you.

 

Your marriage went south after the cheating and she started to explore further, till she found someone she fancies and then left you once and for all.

 

The second sceanrio is that considering that she took it pretty well, she had an idea on what was going on and expected it to happen, the last straw was you confirming it.

 

It doesn't matter which scenario but the end result for both is the same. Things would have turned out differently for you if you haven't cheated, because if you didn't and she still left you, you still would have had inner peace, but since you aren't you are here backtracking on things on what went wrong.

 

I would personally take the time off from dating and getting into relationships or getting in contact with your Ex Wife. It's going to take some time to heal and if you allow the time to heal you, it will.

[Lynx1677]

Yep, I cheated. No excuse. Things were wrong a long time before that happened. I wish I'd said more to her because there were times where she treated me with such disregard. On our first wedding anniversary she went to Vegas with her work for what she dubbed a "conference". When she came back all I heard about were the drunken nights gambling so I felt 2nd best for many years. She also had several emotional affairs before I did something and to be utterly honest, I think something physical probably happened in at least one of those. For example, she was close to this one guy at work, ya know they were just "friends". So I was in London on a training course the same day her company took them out for a team building day. I met up with her and her work friends in the evening. I was stood next to her with my hand around her waist and the guy, her work "friend" puts his hand on her bum and gives it a squeeze. While I'm stood there. They were both so drunk they thought I didn't notice but that to me says that she was clearly comfortable with him doing it and he the same. I don't want to alleviate blame from myself, I know I did wrong but it's not black and white.

 

I still miss her terribly though. I'm leaving the apartment on Thursday and I am tempted to leave a note or something. I'll try to resist the temptation!

 

Dan

[justhanginon]

Hi everyone. This is my very first post and it doesn't come easily.

 

I love my wife and children dearly. They mean the earth to me.

My wife and I have been together for about 15 years. 3 years later our twin boys came into the world and what beautiful boys they are! Two and a half years later our little girl was born and she is absolutely gorgeous.

 

My wife was, (is) the most incredible person I have ever met. She breastfed our babies, (including her older daughter) for as long as she thought was needed. This turned out to be 8 years straight, (not including her eldest)!!

She ground food out of god knows what in the hard times and managed our money to the cent to help pay off our mortgage that I got us in to whilst never earning enough money to pay it off. Totally way over our heads too I might say! I really lack that sensibility.

 

In comparison my wife was paying off her own house when I first met her and had a secure job that paid well.

 

As the years went on I really felt she wasn't giving me enough attention.

The sex was good, (in my mind of course), but infrequent, about once a month. I also felt she wasn't at all in a good mood and I really had to watch what I said for fear of an ear bashing! Lectures were frequent and scathing, I felt terrible, always walking on egg shells. I felt I could not communicate with her at all! We never got on well it seemed and couldn't even agree on simple things like planting plants in our garden in certain areas.

 

 

I'm complaining I know but it really was me that did most of the damage in our relationship, such as...

• Putting us under extreme financial pressure.
  
• Taking out an extra credit card putting us under even further.
  
• Watching porn to satisfy my urges.
  
• Having emotional affairs with women that were strangers to me.
  

This is not all by the way but these are bad enough!

Then... finally... late 2014 saw us improve to point where we were getting along swimmingly! She even agreed. Life was great!

 

Then I really stuffed it up! I had an affair with a woman. We didn't have intercourse but we did enough to warrant me cheating. I wasn't even attracted to this woman! WTF!! Why did I do it I don't know?? I know there is a reason and I am seeing a psychologist to try and find out why.

 

My wife at times was violent to me over many years but that was in reaction to all my mistakes, sorry, complete stuff ups!

We thought that was why I did it, a revenge affair? I screwed up though, I didn't have to do that! That was a very poor decision, nothing manly about it, and as a result, I am 'just hanging on' to my marriage AND my children.

They certainly aren't happy with me either.

 

 

My wife has given me a second chance though. There are strict conditions however such as...

• I do 1 hour a day on relationship reconciliation. This involves a varied amount of things including, (I feel) posting this post! (I am a tradesman and have never done anything like this before).
  
• My wife handles my money, every cent.
  
• I have to be romantic once a week, I don't do romance by the way!!
  
• I have to pay for a marriage counsellor for both of us once a fortnight for as long as it takes!
  

The list doesn't stop there but you get the gist right?

 

I truly am sorry for what I did and I regret it immensely. Damn why did I do that!

I am struggling with the demands and am wondering if its too much!

I guess if I really love my family then its ok! I really do love my family!

I hope I am strong enough to make this work.

My wife is truly an amazingly beautiful woman and did not deserve this!

My children are incredible!

 

I plan to post again soon with an update on our relationship.

Any encouraging words will be welcomed and any awful ones read with trepidation but I need to learn my lesson too. So go for it people!!

 

Gee I even feel a little better now, positive maybe?

 

Thank you for reading and thank you Love Shack subscribers for helping my wife get through this terrible time.

 

Just hangin' on.

Edited February 11, 2015 by justhanginon

[Lion Heart]

Hi everyone. This is my very first post and it doesn't come easily.

 

I love my wife and children dearly. They mean the earth to me.

My wife and I have been together for about 15 years. 3 years later our twin boys came into the world and what beautiful boys they are! Two and a half years later our little girl was born and she is absolutely gorgeous.

 

My wife was, (is) the most incredible person I have ever met. She breastfed our babies, (including her older daughter) for as long as she thought was needed. This turned out to be 8 years straight, (not including her eldest)!!

She ground food out of god knows what in the hard times and managed our money to the cent to help pay off our mortgage that I got us in to whilst never earning enough money to pay it off. Totally way over our heads too I might say! I really lack that sensibility.

 

In comparison my wife was paying off her own house when I first met her and had a secure job that paid well.

 

As the years went on I really felt she wasn't giving me enough attention.

The sex was good, (in my mind of course), but infrequent, about once a month. I also felt she wasn't at all in a good mood and I really had to watch what I said for fear of an ear bashing! Lectures were frequent and scathing, I felt terrible, always walking on egg shells. I felt I could not communicate with her at all! We never got on well it seemed and couldn't even agree on simple things like planting plants in our garden in certain areas.

 

 

I'm complaining I know but it really was me that did most of the damage in our relationship, such as...

• Putting us under extreme financial pressure.
  
• Taking out an extra credit card putting us under even further.
  
• Watching porn to satisfy my urges.
  
• Having emotional affairs with women that were strangers to me.
  

This is not all by the way but these are bad enough!

Then... finally... late 2014 saw us improve to point where we were getting along swimmingly! She even agreed. Life was great!

 

Then I really stuffed it up! I had an affair with a woman. We didn't have intercourse but we did enough to warrant me cheating. I wasn't even attracted to this woman! WTF!! Why did I do it I don't know?? I know there is a reason and I am seeing a psychologist to try and find out why.

 

My wife at times was violent to me over many years but that was in reaction to all my mistakes, sorry, complete stuff ups!

We thought that was why I did it, a revenge affair? I screwed up though, I didn't have to do that! That was a very poor decision, nothing manly about it, and as a result, I am 'just hanging on' to my marriage AND my children.

They certainly aren't happy with me either.

 

 

My wife has given me a second chance though. There are strict conditions however such as...

• I do 1 hour a day on relationship reconciliation. This involves a varied amount of things including, (I feel) posting this post! (I am a tradesman and have never done anything like this before).
  
• My wife handles my money, every cent.
  
• I have to be romantic once a week, I don't do romance by the way!!
  
• I have to pay for a marriage counsellor for both of us once a fortnight for as long as it takes!
  

The list doesn't stop there but you get the gist right?

 

I truly am sorry for what I did and I regret it immensely. Damn why did I do that!

I am struggling with the demands and am wondering if its too much!

I guess if I really love my family then its ok! I really do love my family!

I hope I am strong enough to make this work.

My wife is truly an amazingly beautiful woman and did not deserve this!

My children are incredible!

 

I plan to post again soon with an update on our relationship.

Any encouraging words will be welcomed and any awful ones read with trepidation but I need to learn my lesson too. So go for it people!!

 

Gee I even feel a little better now, positive maybe?

 

Thank you for reading and thank you Love Shack subscribers for helping my wife get through this terrible time.

 

Just hangin' on.

 

Ooops I think a newbie high jacked your thread Dan. It might come up as a new thread soon. Who knows?

[justhanginon]

OOPS yes I did! Sorry mate. Didn't mean to steal your thunder!

It is a new thread now.

Take care buddy!

[Lion Heart]

It seems obvious you guys weren't that well matched. Maybe you grew apart.

 

Whatever the reasons, you cheated, she probably did too by the sounds, she's gone.

 

Work on yourself. It's too late for your marraige. Vow to yourself now to never cheat again. Prepare yourself to meet a decent girl. She'll more than likely leave you too if you cheat on her. So work on that.

 

Best of luck

Lion Heart.