4 months after BU - new low

[UntilTheLastMoment]

Hey everyone, I've lurked here for a while but finally decided to post because I'm feeling pretty hopeless about life right now.

 

I just want to tell my story and I want to know what you think.

 

I'm 21 right now, I met my ex gf almost 2 years ago bc we both go to the same college. We had a great relationship, and that's not just rose-tinted glasses. We never really fought, we always were laughing and smiling around each other, and we trusted each other completely. People said we were good together. She was a good person and I was for the most part too.

 

Anyway this was my first real relationship. At the beginning of October we broke it off, but it was more pushed by me. She was a great girl, but she had many stress, depression, and anxiety issues that were affecting the relationship and I felt like I might not be able to always be there for her and help her through them. I feel so stupid for this now . We in the end agreed there might be better people out there for both of us but we would still be friends.

 

About a week goes past where we are still hooking up and being friendly. I eventually realize what a mistake I've made and ask for her back and apologize and say I was wrong and I'm willing to put the effort in to make it work. She tells me she wants a few days to think. So anyway she comes back and essentially tells me therapy made her realize her needs have changed. I'm heartbroken and so I'm cold with her. I didn't understand how she could not want to save the relationship. We don't talk for a week.

 

I text her that I didn't like how things ended and she agrees. We talk for a couple more days being cordial and I realize I need to do NC. I tell her this and she says before that she wants to tell me she's talking to another guy, just so I don't hear it through the grapevine. I am shattered again... I ask to meet up with her again and so we do. I tell her how much I love her, how much I hurt without her, and that I'm willing to change (go to therapy), and I am. She is very reluctant to my suggestions. She essentially tells me this guy makes her feel happy but that she couldn't decide until she saw change in me, p.s. this guy is her housemate on campus. My friends talk some sense into me that night and basically tell me she's just pulling me along by a string and I shouldn't need to convince someone to love me. They weren't wrong so I sent her one final goodbye email the next day. Nothing bad, just thanking her for the relationship, but saying that I didn't think there was a place for her in my life anymore because friendships and relationships are built on trust and understanding.

 

We ended up meeting once more. I came off as confident and happy, like I really was moving on and tell her I didn't want to get back together anymore. She's the one upset this time. I remained calm and collected here. I told her I was sorry for how things turned out but that I also shouldn't have blamed myself for everything that went wrong when it was both of us. She just digs into me pulling out anything about me she can turn into a negative thing. (My sense of humor, that I liked sex, that I've done acid, etc.) I'm hurt but retain composure and eventually things settle and we part ways.

 

She sends me a text the next night apologizing for being an *******. I tell her thank you for the apology. She texts me again saying "I don't want us to hate each other". I tell her "I don't hate you, I'm just moving on". She updates her fb photo to her and her housemate hugging... She came by the next day to pick up her things at my house. Apologizes once again for being an ******* and not communicating her needs were changing. I essentially say I'm sorry this is how things ended but I guess that's life. This was our final goodbye.

 

Anyway 4 months down the road I can't tell where I am on the road to healing. I loved her so much and I know she loved me as well. I wish she would've given me that chance to change because I've done some incredible things for myself since the breakup. I practice daily meditation, go to the gym everyday, saw a counselor for a while, quit smoking weed, and have joined a couple clubs on campus. Anyway I feel like I lost my one true love. I wasn't perfect in our relationship and I blame myself often for only now being able to see some of my own faults (being impatient, having random mood swings, and just not dealing with my own insecurities.)

 

I feel like a completely different person now. I hate that I lost her but on the other hand I think I needed that slap in my face to figure my life out and fix some of my problems.

 

I ran into her and her new guy once in the gym 2 weeks after our final goodbye. She looked uncomfortable but gave me a wave and I said hello. I came off as cool and confident, told her it didn't have to be awkward, it's okay, and I'd let them get back to their workout.

 

She did text me once in the middle of January; just a simple "Hi [insert name], hope everything's been well with you". I didn't respond. I'm just so confused, I hate how I handled the breakup for the first month. I know my mistakes.

 

Can I just get some outside perspective on this please? I felt like I was doing better with healing for a while, then suddenly 3 weeks ago, I hit a new low and contemplated suicide even going so far as to write suicide notes. I'm climbing back out of that pit again but sometimes life seems so hopeless and I think that I lost my one true love and I'll never find anyone as good again especially since college is coming to an end soon.

 

Thank you so much if you took the time to read this, it means a lot to me.

Edited February 9, 2015 by UntilTheLastMoment

[lovebug_5858]

I am not sure what to tell you... I am not and have never been as far in recovery as you are so I'm at a lost for words. Try thinking about what caused you to fall again... And why you are feeling this way.

My thoughts and prayers are with you through this time and know you have support here.

[Nolan 93]

@ OP- This could have been avoided my friend. You should have stayed by her side even though you knew you might not be able to help her through them. Always have to try 100%, be there when things are bad and good just be there for everything. You initiated the break up, and you should have thought long and hard but it happened and she is trying to move on I guess.

 

Yes it sucks, but she might be in a rebound or could turn to be something that lasts for a bit. Let her be my friend, work on yourself and become a better you, so in your next relationship you don't make the same mistake. Let her realize what she had and honestly you said you want her back, now its up to her to make the move into reconciliation. We cant force anyone, no matter how many times we say we changed we cant force them. You have dated two years, she moved on pretty fast, so she may come back idk. But move on and let time take its course, down the road if she comes back its up to you what you will do next.

 

I know for me my current ex of 11 months dumped me for her ex, and that hurt that really hurt. But I treated her the best that I could, and she knows that. I can't do anything about it, all I can do is move on and see what NC brings me and see what time does for me. Im also 21, almost 3 months post BU, and she was my first real love, and she lost a great guy. But sadly Im moving on and so should you, they both chose their path and let them do their thang. If they come back yay for us, If not okay then hopefully enough time has passed where we both find new lovers.

 

But there is not a day where I don't miss her, I will always love her. Sucks but oh well ha.

[UntilTheLastMoment]

@ OP- This could have been avoided my friend. You should have stayed by her side even though you knew you might not be able to help her through them. Always have to try 100%, be there when things are bad and good just be there for everything. You initiated the break up, and you should have thought long and hard but it happened and she is trying to move on I guess.

 

I know... I realized my mistake too late. To be fair I didn't request a breakup, I told her I'd stay by her side but that the anxiety and stress was wearing on me. Eventually the talk just turned into maybe there being better people for each of us. I took her love for granted. During the relationship I must be honest, I wasn't always happy. I felt like I was missing out on something in life because she was my first everything. I thought maybe I wanted something else. Maybe I was scared of settling down with the first girl I'd been with. I'm not even sure. The thoughts no longer make sense in my head. I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. I was so materialistic, cocky, and ignorant. Now that I've had time to reflect and improve myself I see these flaws. She deserved better than what I gave her. I was for the most part a great boyfriend but I should've been there for her when I wasn't.

 

Thank you for telling it to me like it is. I know the mistakes I made and I know I'll never make them again in the future, no matter who I'm with. It's hard to completely regret the breakup because it's changed me so much for the better. I just wish I didn't lose somebody in the process.

[Nolan 93]

Brother as long as you notice the flaws, and change your ways and learn from this you didn't come out empty handed.

 

I understand if you felt scared since this was your first real relationship that is fine. You know when I was in HS and after that I never ever had a gf, always FWB, or taking girls out for pleasure of hanging out with them one on one. I thought so too If I was in a relationship I would be afraid of being with the person forever. But when I met my ex, I could see myself being with her forever, cause I had my fair share of women, and I wanted everything with my ex and so did she.

 

Hell my ex made mistakes (nothing with cheating and stuff), mistakes the she should know not to do haha, but I never gave up on her we worked through it together.

 

Hey as long as you learned cool, I learned even when I was dumped I learned. I will also make sure my next relationship goes differently in the end. All we can do I pick ourselves back up and keep strolling ha.

[Nolan 93]

I just wish I didn't lose somebody in the process.

 

Also, we all take a risk of someone having their heart broken when we date, since its not a for sure thing. Thats a gamble we all know either we're aware of it or not.

[UntilTheLastMoment]

Yes it sucks, but she might be in a rebound or could turn to be something that lasts for a bit. Let her be my friend, work on yourself and become a better you, so in your next relationship you don't make the same mistake. Let her realize what she had and honestly you said you want her back, now its up to her to make the move into reconciliation. We cant force anyone, no matter how many times we say we changed we cant force them. You have dated two years, she moved on pretty fast, so she may come back idk. But move on and let time take its course, down the road if she comes back its up to you what you will do next.

 

Is it up to her to make the move for reconciliation? I've had this urge to email her for the past week apologizing and telling her the truth but I know better than to hastily do that. She did contact me once in January but it was just "Hey, hope everything's been well" but I didn't respond since I thought it may hinder my healing and could hardly even be considered breadcrumbs. I'm worried now that I've ignored her once she won't try to contact me again. And I don't think anything would happen between us before the school year's over. She and her new guy live in an on campus townhouse together with their friends (they just met this year though) so I think she'd be the type of person to stay in the relationship just to not mess things up with her living situation. I'm just confused as to what to do. Part of me says let her be and if she wants to reconcile she can come to me. The other part says I messed up and I should make a move but it didn't work out last time I tried and I'm not sure how I'd even do that.

 

I'm on the verge of breaking NC. I don't care how awful the outcome is if it means I can move on. If she told me "I love the new guy more than I ever loved you, you're pathetic, he has a bigger dick than you, and I never want to see you again." I think I'd feel relief just from being let off this hook I seem to be stuck on. I don't know man, I'm very confused. I definitely won't send anything yet, but I may need to in the future.

[Nolan 93]

Im not an expert but its your life and your relationship you need to do what ever you feel is best. Give it a shot, but you know her better than anyone of us on here. If you need to do it then do it and be prepared for her answer.

 

Look when my ex dumped me, I chased and cried, we met up once or twice, I went to order some food at her work just to see her. So i know I ****ed up and pushed her away. But you know what she didn't have the guts to finish me off, breaking up with me and still giving me false hope, so I knew I had to push her away.

 

But almost a month of NC I broke it not try and get her back, I wanted her to know that I didn't hate her for hurting me like she did. Wrote her a nice letter around 1am. The next night after I told her please don't respond to this, what does she do she writes me back. Around the same time 1am, it was long letter. A nice letter, with compliments, and apologies. So she wrote that around jan 9th, and its feb 9th so I haven't replied or broke NC since then and I don't plan on it anytime soon.

 

But from her letter, she still cares about me but wants to try with the ex for a third time ha. So you there is not a doubt she knows I was a good man to her she even wrote that in the letter. But it doesn't mean anything cause her actions show how she feels and what she really wants.

 

So trust me I have been strong enough to move on, and you will to just have to come to accept that its over.

 

So do what you want to do, If she comes of as negative fine or comes off as a saint but still doesn't want to get back together. At least you know your answer and can move on, it will make it easier.

[ZiggyZoo]

She's in a relationship with someone else, and living with him. There IS no reconciliation, she has moved on. Until she ends it with him and comes to your door specifically asking to give it another try, stick with NC. You've made so much progress, trust me, contacting her will just set you back in your healing.

 

And I'd say to re-read what you wrote here about not being happy in your relationship and not sure if you even wanted to be in it. It gets really tempting to ignore the bad aspects of our relationship and focus on the good only. There were valid reasons why you decided to end it in the first place, it would help to remember that.

 

Getting over a breakup does have its highs and lows, this is normal. Valentine's Day is coming up, that may have triggered something deep down. Grief is sneaky. I lost my mom about six years ago, and always get depressed around her birthday and the day she died, and it takes me a sec to remember why. So who knows what's bringing this on? Hang in there, you'll be out of it soon enough.

 

But stick with the NC. At the very least, YOU may be ready to give things another try, but is she? You've been reflecting on your relationship and what you'd do differently in the future, and she hasn't been doing anything like that. She's been concentrating on this new guy. I guarantee the same issues that caused you to end it will still be there, she hasn't had time to herself to address them. Keep posting on here, we're here for you.

[Itspointless]

You did not loose your one true love. Your one true love wouldn't be with someone else within two weeks!

 

Stay strong man, now it still is hard but within a year you probably will feel a lot better.

[UntilTheLastMoment]

Yeah Ziggy I think you're right. I had a change of heart today. I know I did everything I could to fix my mistake. I made some missteps along the way but at least I tried. She didn't put any effort into saving it so for now I think it's best I leave it be. I'm not sure what triggered this either. I was doing so well with healing - I accepted it was over, she wasn't coming back, focused on myself, then these past couple of weeks got rough again. You're right, looking back on it she wasn't perfect either. She was always stressed, negative, and anxious, she acted cold and unthankful, had trouble putting things into perspective, she assumed she couldn't do stuff and wouldn't try, gossiped and talked poorly of people, and over reacted to little things. I'm no saint, but I've taken the time and put in the effort to see and fix my flaws. I've come a long way and there's no going back to how it was. She chose this guy over me so unless that changes, I'm choosing myself over her.

[Chi townD]

I'm glad you posted what you did above because you weren't going to like what I had to say.

 

 

I'm glad you're making self improvements and positive changes in your life. But, you need to do more! The trick is to STAY BUSY! And you are not in NC and that might be why you keep backsliding. You stated that you saw that she changed her Facebook pic to her and her "housemate" hugging. That's not NC. You don't need to see that crap. So, BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK! And unfollow her on ALL social media.

 

 

Travel some! Get out of there. Save up some money and take a long weekend away. Or save and travel somewhere oversea's over the summer. If your in Europe, come to America! American girls love guys with accents. And vice versa, if your American, go to England or Ireland or Scotland! They love American dude's (if you don't act like a cocky douche rocket).And being a foreigner is definitely a GREAT conversation starter! Worked for me! Acted like a stupid lost American guy asking for directions to get to Big Ben when you can CLEARLY see it in the distance. Once she pointed out that (obvious) fact out to me, I was like, "Okay, you got me! I guess I was just looking for any excuse to stop and talk to a pretty girl." BAM! I was in! That's all it took, she walked with me and we talked. She wanted to know where I was from, what I was doing there....blah....blah. Fun times!

 

 

Give yourself something to look forward to! Plan for it and go get it!

[UntilTheLastMoment]

I'm glad you're making self improvements and positive changes in your life. But, you need to do more! The trick is to STAY BUSY! And you are not in NC and that might be why you keep backsliding. You stated that you saw that she changed her Facebook pic to her and her "housemate" hugging. That's not NC. You don't need to see that crap. So, BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK! And unfollow her on ALL social media.

 

This was within the first month since breakup, I've been strict with NC since (3 months now). Thanks for the advice.

 

I actually did go on a cruise with a few friends to the Bahamas in January, something I normally probably wouldn't have done. It was a good time, but seeing all the couples together made me feel pretty lonely and depressed tbh. I couldn't even pick up a girl - this BU took a big hit on my self-confidence - something I'm still working to reverse. If I weren't a college student I definitely would go on vacation more.

 

I'm doing my best to stay busy, but you're right, it's when I don't have things to do when the feelings hit the hardest. I'm going to keep pushing myself to try new things because that seems to be the most rewarding thing for me atm. I appreciate the advice.

[Chi townD]

Okay, you said you were in college. So, I speculate that you're in University in the states. College in Europe for the most part is considered High School to us.

 

 

Dude, you can save money to take trips while at University. When I went, I got a job on Campus at the gym. I sat at the front desk studying while I handed out towels and basketballs. All that money from that job went to paying for a little trip at the end of each semester. It can be done.

 

 

Plus, there's things you can do on Campus. Hell, there's Campus sponsored trips all the time to places at discounted prices.

 

 

I mean, you told me you went on a Cruise to the Bahama's but you didn't meet any girls. Okay. But, tell me that when you got back you didn't feel a little energized and decompressed! That's what you need! To decompress! Plus, the best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good and adventurous life. Don't you wonder what she would think if she learns that you're always going places and doing things? Deep sea fishing in Key West, white water rafting. Taking dive lessons and diving coral reefs. Traveling to Paris for a week, or to Dublin, or to Melborne! Or you really get into shape and she discovers you do adventure racing and Iron Man's? She'll think, "Wow, he doing all of these things and I'm stuck in the house with "housemate" waiting for him to put down the PS4 controller so we can go eat". She could have been doing those things with you. But, oh well! HER LOSS!!!!

 

 

That's how you get your revenge!

Edited February 10, 2015 by Chi townD