LonelyNconfuse Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Hi my story is simple I'm a single mother who has been having an affair with someone who is in a committed relationship. We work together and when we met back on March I thought he was single. He would always refer to her as his bbm and that was it. They have a child together but he is not the birth father he came into this little boys life when the baby was 6 month now the kid is 7 the boy has autism which makes this whole situation worst. When we met we had an instant connection we began hanging out he would always flirt with me and I would go along. Months went by and we realized we was in love. Around October he said he had to end everything because his son needed him by his side that he needed to pay more close attention to him and that him and the bbm would try their relationship again. I was devastated my heart was broken into thousand of pieces I couldn't breathe and so I made what I now consider my biggest mistake I told him I couldn't let it end that I still wanted him that I love him. He said to me well things will be different and I said I didn't care. Now we in February and this whole situation is driving me crazy I can't take it anymore I want to ended I feel like he doesn't love me I feel like everything was a lie. But when I tell him this and he says he understands that I want to end it I change my mind and I tell him that's not what I want. Which is true I don't want us to end it I want him to leave her!!! He says she doesn't take good care of him that I show him more love than she does. I don't know how to just let him go. I feel use and lied to please I need help!!! Also he claims she has in the past cheated on him which is why he decided to stay with me. If I can even consider this being with me. Work is complicated we don't speak to each other I can't call him or text him we haven't been out in a month! Edited February 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Cinnimon Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 First off, sorry for your pain. It's awful I know. Now, he claimed he stayed with you because his wife cheated on him? So you are/were part of his revenge? That difference that he told you about, that differance that you said you didn't care about, you care about. Sorry 1
Josmatjes Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Try to stay away from him and get your life back. There is no future with him.you know this! You will always come in last place. That's not what you want for yourself, is it? Love should make you feel happy, not sad or anxious and questioning every little thing. 1
Author LonelyNconfuse Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) Thank you guys!........ But What will be replace? He will replace me eventually?...... I don't know if I was I must have been part of his revenge if she knew about us but she doesn't know anything!!! I wish I could stay away but we work for the same company! I asked for a transfer and my request was denied this is so painful because I know I have to let him go I just don't know how?! And yes I do care about everything I said I wouldn't care! Edited February 9, 2015 by LonelyNconfuse
Cinnimon Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Lonely- I wasn't taking a shot at you for saying you wouldn't care, I just remember saying I don't care knowing the whole time, I DID CARE.
blue963 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 No sorry i shared something from baggage reclaim and then after i posted it I thought maybe it wouldnt quite apply. I hate that there is no delete capabilities here.
Tayla Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Seems odd that you cannot let go of that which you have no legal claims to. Take care of your child and move along in life. There are guys without wedding bands that would be more then willing to grace you with a good life. Its worth a try and can actually regain your self confidence. Imagine how your child will perceive you down the road knowing you refrained from interceding on a married mans life. Its truly in your best interest overall.
Majormisstep Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Lonely, here is the translation of his conversation: MM said: I want to focus on my little boy. MM translation: I don't have the guts to properly end this with you so if you are willing to accept my crumbs until you get sick of it and break it off for good, well ok. I'm so sorry you are hurting. It sucks. Can you do something GREAT with your child during the healing process? In the meantime, get mad at this man for using you!
Author LonelyNconfuse Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Lonely- I wasn't taking a shot at you for saying you wouldn't care, I just remember saying I don't care knowing the whole time, I DID CARE. Oh no I know what you meant and thank you for your kind words
Author LonelyNconfuse Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Seems odd that you cannot let go of that which you have no legal claims to. Take care of your child and move along in life. There are guys without wedding bands that would be more then willing to grace you with a good life. Its worth a try and can actually regain your self confidence. Imagine how your child will perceive you down the road knowing you refrained from interceding on a married mans life. Its truly in your best interest overall. Hi thanks for your words but he is not marry he has a girlfriend, I don't break them up they were already broken up when I met him, their child got really sick and this prompt him into moving back in with them!
violet1 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Your title says it all. I CAN'T let him go. First of all, you CAN let him go, but you won't. The question is why? Love? If you feel used than I wouldn't consider that a loving relationship. Do you enjoy torturing yourself? What you described sounds like complete torture and misery. Second, chances of him leaving aren't likely. He's emotionally attached to his GF's little boy. He's been around since the boy was a baby. Since he's not biologically the father, he has no legal rights. Staying with her is the only way he can stay close to the boy. People who haven't been in this situation don't understand. When you've helped raise a child that is not biologically yours, the attachment runs deep and it's not an easy situation to leave. I strongly suggest you let the fantasy of him leaving the GF. Why was your transfer denied? Can you talk to your supervisor and request another one? Is finding another job not an option for you? I'm sorry for your pain. I empathize with you, but until you take action and cut him out of your life, the pain will NEVER go away. You will never heal. Please take care of yourself. I also suggest seeing a counselor to help you gain the strength and confidence to walk away. 2
privategal Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Consider yourself a very loved and strong woman who made a mistake with a mm. Many of us have made the mistake, but we can move on, learn, and we are not our mistakes. He lost someone who loved him while you lost someone who didn't love you and is a user. You are still on the better side than him. If he was happy at home he wouldn't have sought you out so just know he goes home and is not content with his life. Who cares about him? Im so sorry for you pain and I hope each day gets easier, the tears subside and in the end you will be ok and stronger. Stop the negative self talk, stop holding on, give yourself a break and get back to who you were before him and know this too shall pass and focus on that transfer or interviews for new companies, not to get away from him only, but because you deserve a new start and a great future that doesn't involve negativity. Chin up but MOVE ON and be grateful not more of your time will be wasted now. 1
pheonixrisen Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Hi my story is simple I'm a single mother who has been having an affair with someone who is in a committed relationship. We work together and when we met back on March I thought he was single. He would always refer to her as his bbm and that was it. They have a child together but he is not the birth father he came into this little boys life when the baby was 6 month now the kid is 7 the boy has autism which makes this whole situation worst. When we met we had an instant connection we began hanging out he would always flirt with me and I would go along. Months went by and we realized we was in love. Around October he said he had to end everything because his son needed him by his side that he needed to pay more close attention to him and that him and the bbm would try their relationship again. I was devastated my heart was broken into thousand of pieces I couldn't breathe and so I made what I now consider my biggest mistake I told him I couldn't let it end that I still wanted him that I love him. He said to me well things will be different and I said I didn't care. Now we in February and this whole situation is driving me crazy I can't take it anymore I want to ended I feel like he doesn't love me I feel like everything was a lie. But when I tell him this and he says he understands that I want to end it I change my mind and I tell him that's not what I want. Which is true I don't want us to end it I want him to leave her!!! He says she doesn't take good care of him that I show him more love than she does. I don't know how to just let him go. I feel use and lied to please I need help!!! Also he claims she has in the past cheated on him which is why he decided to stay with me. If I can even consider this being with me. Work is complicated we don't speak to each other I can't call him or text him we haven't been out in a month! You fell in love ...based on your post he did not ... While is gf is busy taking care of her son he feels rejected and does not have her 100% attention so looks for it with you ..you are all too willing to be the yes girl ... He is tired and wants to call it off ...you want to hang on and drag. He told you he will not leave gf and son ...you are not listening. and want to wait it out ..He is a coward to call it off so instead is dictating his terms and letting you slowly suffer through this till you get fed up..and leave on your own . 2
Josmatjes Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 My xmm was doing the push pull thing with me and he had said he wanted to be a better person. At first I didn't listen but finally I did! Take your dignity back. I went nc and even though I did bump into him, it didn't stress me too much. I'm happier now. Their is nothing worse than waiting around for someone.it lowers you and they know it. My xmm knows I'm done. I have days I get sad but then I turn it around and feel bad for him because he is a sad little man. You can do this, focus on your child. Stop letting this man take you away from him.... 1
stillafool Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 This guy has tried several times to break it off with you but you won't listen. I cannot put all the blame on him because you won't let him break up with you. He has shown you who he loves because even though she cheated, has a sick son who isn't his, he wants to be with her. You sould start looking for another job if you can't handle being in the same space as him which is understandable. 2
violet1 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 This guy has tried several times to break it off with you but you won't listen. I cannot put all the blame on him because you won't let him break up with you. He has shown you who he loves because even though she cheated, has a sick son who isn't his, he wants to be with her. You sould start looking for another job if you can't handle being in the same space as him which is understandable. I completely agree! As hard as it is, you need to let him go. Your heart will heal and you will eventually find someone who will give 100% like you deserve. This is a battle that is only going to end with you having a broken heart. I'm sorry for your pain. 1
Author LonelyNconfuse Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 This hurts a lot But everything you guys aré saying i have said it to myself!!!! I'm no idiot I understand and get what he is doing!! And this is why my post is I can't I'm so freaking weak around him I don't know if you guys understand but yes I fell in love with this man, I gave him my all and I know I didn't get the same in return. Writing to you guys in here and pouring my heart out is my way to try and get stronger about the situation till eventually I will let him be, just as he has been distant I recently began to put some distance myself. I can't quit him all at once, everyday I remind myself what is the reality that I'm living and slowly each day will hurt less this I know.
jellybean89 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 You can quit him , you just don't want to. You survived prior to him , you will survive after him. Why would you want someone who is very capable of cheating? 1
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 This hurts a lot But everything you guys aré saying i have said it to myself!!!! I'm no idiot I understand and get what he is doing!! And this is why my post is I can't I'm so freaking weak around him I don't know if you guys understand but yes I fell in love with this man, I gave him my all and I know I didn't get the same in return. Writing to you guys in here and pouring my heart out is my way to try and get stronger about the situation till eventually I will let him be, just as he has been distant I recently began to put some distance myself. I can't quit him all at once, everyday I remind myself what is the reality that I'm living and slowly each day will hurt less this I know. Stop being afraid of the final pain. End it once and for all. What you feel for him isn't what he feels for you. You are chasing and wanting a man who isn't as into you as you are into him. Get mad and be pissed off! Use that anger to push you away from him. Rely on your friends and family for support. You do NOT need him and you will survive. As painful as it is for you, in a month you'll feel a bit better. As time goes on you'll feel even better. Just imagine having 'you' back without the constant pain you feel now. You can quit him all at once. 1
Author LonelyNconfuse Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 This hurts a lot But everything you guys aré saying i have said it to myself!!!! I'm no idiot I understand and get what he is doing!! And this is why my post is I can't I'm so freaking weak around him I don't know if you guys understand but yes I fell in love with this man, I gave him my all and I know I didn't get the same in return. Writing to you guys in here and pouring my heart out is my way to try and get stronger about the situation till eventually I will let him be, just as he has been distant I recently began to put some distance myself. I can't quit him all at once, everyday I remind myself what is the reality that I'm living and slowly each day will hurt less this I know. Stop being afraid of the final pain. End it once and for all. What you feel for him isn't what he feels for you. You are chasing and wanting a man who isn't as into you as you are into him. Get mad and be pissed off! Use that anger to push you away from him. Rely on your friends and family for support. You do NOT need him and you will survive. As painful as it is for you, in a month you'll feel a bit better. As time goes on you'll feel even better. Just imagine having 'you' back without the constant pain you feel now. You can quit him all at once. You very right thank you i guess have to find strengh out of My ánger and push him out!
Author LonelyNconfuse Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 You can quit him , you just don't want to. You survived prior to him , you will survive after him. Why would you want someone who is very capable of cheating? Thank you jellybean89 I had been thinking the same way and I would answer myself because I love him and I would say that he wouldn't cheat on me because I would treat him like a king, but you are right once a cheater always a cheater
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Nobody makes another person cheat. This isn't his wife's fault. Nothing she did or didn't do caused him to betray her. If he were your husband, and cheated on you, that would be ALL on him. People that cheat on their spouses have their own issues/insecurities or feelings of entitlement to do as they please on the expense of their wife/husband. Regardless of what issues and problems occurring in the marriage, cheating is a choice and nobody is forced to go outside and solve their issues that way. 2
wish-i-knew Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 You fell in love ...based on your post he did not ... While is gf is busy taking care of her son he feels rejected and does not have her 100% attention so looks for it with you ..you are all too willing to be the yes girl ... He is tired and wants to call it off ...you want to hang on and drag. He told you he will not leave gf and son ...you are not listening. and want to wait it out ..He is a coward to call it off so instead is dictating his terms and letting you slowly suffer through this till you get fed up..and leave on your own . I think this sums it up nicely. I am sorry, I know you love him, but he wants to call it off. Please let him. Just end it. No one deserves to, nor should anybody want to be with someone who does not really want to be with them. You are not his first choice. I know you acknowledge that you need to let go, but you want to wean yourself off him slowly. Is this really the best option for YOU? When you are with him, are you totally happy, or are you always worried about not being his one and only, or about the fact that he is not choosing you? If you spend your time worrying, then what is the point of prolonging the inevitable? I know that ending any relationship is very very hard, but the quicker you do it, as frightening as it may be, the quicker it is over and the sooner you can move on. Your world will not end because of this break-up. Just like any other break-up, it may feel like it to start, but it won't. We have all been there. Good luck and be strong...
Author LonelyNconfuse Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I think this sums it up nicely. I am sorry, I know you love him, but he wants to call it off. Please let him. Just end it. No one deserves to, nor should anybody want to be with someone who does not really want to be with them. You are not his first choice. I know you acknowledge that you need to let go, but you want to wean yourself off him slowly. Is this really the best option for YOU? When you are with him, are you totally happy, or are you always worried about not being his one and only, or about the fact that he is not choosing you? If you spend your time worrying, then what is the point of prolonging the inevitable? I know that ending any relationship is very very hard, but the quicker you do it, as frightening as it may be, the quicker it is over and the sooner you can move on. Your world will not end because of this break-up. Just like any other break-up, it may feel like it to start, but it won't. We have all been there. Good luck and be strong... When I'm with him the rest of the world don't exist! Our time together is perfect I don't worry about anything cuz he makes me feel like I'm his only one. He loves me and I know that. Unfortunately we met at the wrong time in our lives, therefore I will let him go because I know he is hurting as bad as I am! And he needs to fix his life whichever way he decides, if he thinks that staying with the girlfriend is better because if he leaves her he will never see his stepson then I understand
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