PinkInTheLimo Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Haven't dated for a while, had one date this week and ***** has already hit the fan. There is a reason that I disappeared from the dating world. It seems like there are only 2 scenarios possible. Or the guy decides immediately that I am not doing it for him or the guy is so attracted to me that he does not give me time to breath. I wish I could meet a guy who simply lets things happen naturally. I arrive at the date with the guy this week and as soon as I am sitting on my chair, he tells me he had a gift for me. I found that very awkward. We met via the internet, it felt like too much too soon. The gift itself was not bad, it were chocolates and I happen to love chocolates. Our date was rather pleasant, we had dinner together. Afterwards he wanted to know if I wanted to see him again but the way he asked it was too eager. Don't know, I felt put under pressure. When he asked me I kind of told myself to have an open mind and go for a second date, although not too soon but the day after I really felt I did not want to see him anymore. He did not really do it for me physically, a bit too skinny for me and not a nice face but the worst thing was that I felt he was like 25 steps ahead of me. And when I opened the box of chocolates it turned out that they were heart shaped. I almost screamed when I saw that. So I told him that I did not want a second date because I was not attracted to him in the way you need to be attracted for a romantic relationship. I hoped he would simply back off but no, he found my profile on another dating site and winked me there and added me to his favourites. I got so irritated by this that I blocked him on both dating sites where he also had a profile. I thought he would get the message. Well this morning it turns out that the guy has sent me 2 really nasty text messages, among them one where he said that it was good that I did not have kids. WTF! He was glad enough to date a woman with no kids because it would be more practical seen the fact that he had kids who were still living with him on a regular basis. Ultimately I had no choice but to send this guy a text saying that if he ever contacted me again I would go to the police. For f!ck's sake you would think that guys who are around 50 have somehow figured out how to deal with people with women. Do they really think that they will win a woman's heart with some cheesy gift? Do they really think that this will erase all the flaws which make them impossible to live with? I have nothing against romance and if I am in a relationship I like to receive a gift and also give them but that is IN a relationship. There are guys out there who behave as if you are already a couple before you even had the chance to get to know each other a bit.
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Back in the day men always showed up for dates with chocolates or flowers. While I don't think going back to that is advisable, this guy was trying to be a good guy. I get that it made you uncomfortable but the time to address that was directly with him. You should have handed him the chocolates back & said that you feel uncomfortable accepting gifts this early but you do appreciate that he was trying to do something sweet. A better idea would have been simply to accept them graciously, which you did, and NOT overthink the meaning behind them (which you didn't) It's very frustrating to be on the receiving end of the passive aggressive behavior (blocking) you exhibited. The message you sent him was cold in light of the fact that his "sin" was liking you too much. There were more sensitive ways to defuse that or get him to downshift, including telling him his actions were too much too soon & he needed to back off or risk alienating you. Regardless, what is done is done. The fact that he was so over the top at 1st & then flipped a switch to get mean & nasty says your instincts were probably right but going forward, you could use a bit more compassion IMO. 10
Maleficent Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Well I think you made a mountain over the chocolate for nothing. As far as them being heart shaped. Valentine's Day is around the corner. Everything is heart shaped! That being said, if you weren't attracted to him, you weren't. His reaction clearly shows who he is. 7
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 It's very frustrating to be on the receiving end of the passive aggressive behavior (blocking) you exhibited. The message you sent him was cold in light of the fact that his "sin" was liking you too much. There were more sensitive ways to defuse that or get him to downshift, including telling him his actions were too much too soon & he needed to back off or risk alienating you. Regardless, what is done is done. The fact that he was so over the top at 1st & then flipped a switch to get mean & nasty says your instincts were probably right but going forward, you could use a bit more compassion IMO. Before I blocked him on the 2 dating sites, I sent him a very respectful message saying that I felt he was very enthusiastic about me and that I felt i could not answer his feelings and that it was therefore better to stop the contact in order to avoid to give the wrong impression. I sincerely apologised for disappointing him. That message was as sensitive as they come. I blocked him because he went on on the second dating site as if I had not told him anything and simply ignored what I wrote him. Because I felt that this was the only way he would get the message. That's when he got really nasty. You know, I've had it happen so many times that all of a sudden a guy I was talking to on a dating site simply disappeared or did not reply to me any longer. Have I ever become nasty because of it? NO. I don't like it and it certainly does not make me think very positively about the guy in question but becoming nasty no way. I did not owe this guy anything and certainly not because he gave me some chocolates.
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Why do guys thing they are god's gift to women because they bring a gift on a first date. Be a decent guy for god's sake, that's much more valuable than whatever gift you give. 1
preraph Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I do know what you mean when you say it seemed like he was 10 steps ahead of you, and what that always means is they are desperate and/or have projected their ideal woman they have in their head onto you. But as others pointed out, at that age, 50, I guess it's not too uncommon for his generation to show up with flowers or chocolates, although that would make him an 80s kid, and truly, I never met one that was like that, so you may be right. If he was 10 years older and hadn't been out dating due to being married for decades, it would just be totally understandable. All I can say is that I am for trusting your instincts. Like you, I want to be kind at the time when he asked for that second date, but then in the light of day, my gut is telling me no. It went down messy and probably both of you a bit at fault for not having more finesse and him being too invested too soon. All you can do is put it behind you. 1
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I do know what you mean when you say it seemed like he was 10 steps ahead of you, and what that always means is they are desperate and/or have projected their ideal woman they have in their head onto you. But as others pointed out, at that age, 50, I guess it's not too uncommon for his generation to show up with flowers or chocolates, although that would make him an 80s kid, and truly, I never met one that was like that, so you may be right. If he was 10 years older and hadn't been out dating due to being married for decades, it would just be totally understandable. All I can say is that I am for trusting your instincts. Like you, I want to be kind at the time when he asked for that second date, but then in the light of day, my gut is telling me no. It went down messy and probably both of you a bit at fault for not having more finesse and him being too invested too soon. All you can do is put it behind you. This never happened to me before so I really don't think this is very common for my generation. For the rest I don't see how I could have had more finesse. I certainly at no point, not even after his nasty text messages told him that he did not do it for me physically. I just said in the most vague terms possible that I did not think that from my side I could ever develop deeper feelings for him. I think the guy was indeed rather desperate since he told me that he had trouble being on his own, and had just ended a 5 year relationship where he did not feel the need to see the woman often (I would never maintain a relationship that long if there is no strong need to be together with my partner). I think this guy needs to have some women treat him really badly on datingsites then maybe he will realise that I am one of the more correct people. I reply to every decent message I get even if it is to say that I don't think that I and the guy are compatible.
Tayla Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Wish there were more gentlemen out there that carried a kind gesture on a date. Glad you are learning what an authentic date contains. Sounds like you did the right thing, a guy like that is rare and most likely under appreciated in todays dating world. I think you both are on different levels. Keep a positive attitude, someone is bound to click with your personality and desires. 4
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 It's obvious this guy has emotional issues, possible metal illness of some kind. He lacks coping skills which have probably plagued him all his life. Lots of these types try to buy your affections, and think this is what they should do to impress you. He was clearly disappointed in himself (again), and confused by the rejection, so to make himself not take any accountability for it, he blames you. Oh well water under the bridge. The problem with OLD is that anyone has access, even stalkers, weirdos, and creepers. You just have to be more vigilant, chat with them more and use that time to get a sense of what they are like.
Elle1975 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Well I find the gift to be a bit too much too, but to me it's the website incident that I find creepy.
TigerCub Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I think it's rare when guys come to a first date with a flower or chocolates. It's old fashioned sweet. I agree with another poster. I think the heart shaped is cuz it's valentines soon and most chocolate is heart shaped. You said you were not attracted to him physically, but you met him online, did you go to the date not knowing what he looked like? His behavior after the rejection is uncalled for and a bit crazy. but chocolates on a first date is kinda cute. 3
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Before I blocked him on the 2 dating sites, I sent him a very respectful message saying that I felt he was very enthusiastic about me and that I felt i could not answer his feelings and that it was therefore better to stop the contact in order to avoid to give the wrong impression. I sincerely apologised for disappointing him. That message was as sensitive as they come. If you started out graciously & he became this nasty, then you totally dodged a bullet. You met him. I didn't. What that tells me based on what you wrote, you need to celebrate the fact that you have good instincts. 3
kendahke Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 You said you were not attracted to him physically, but you met him online, did you go to the date not knowing what he looked like? In PinkLimo's defense, I've met a man online about 3 years ago and when I went to meet him in person, he looked nothing like his picture. He was easily 10 years older (in his 60's), so skinny he looked like a walking skeleton in an unironed shirt. Not my type AT. ALL. And while he didn't bring a gift on the first date, it was the date from hell. I blocked him every which way when I got back to my car on my cell phone. My Privacy Star app showed he blew up my phone over the course of the next 2 days, but he couldn't reach me. 1
TigerCub Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 In PinkLimo's defense, I've met a man online about 3 years ago and when I went to meet him in person, he looked nothing like his picture. He was easily 10 years older (in his 60's), so skinny he looked like a walking skeleton in an unironed shirt. Not my type AT. ALL. And while he didn't bring a gift on the first date, it was the date from hell. I blocked him every which way when I got back to my car on my cell phone. My Privacy Star app showed he blew up my phone over the course of the next 2 days, but he couldn't reach me. I get that stuff happens. I'm just wondering if that was the case for the OP.
Cailinsona Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 A lot of this depends on the context. I've had guys that I'm not attracted to bring me gifts on first dates and it came across as just too much or smelt of desperation. A big turn off! I've also received gifts from men I was very attracted to and surprisingly thought the gift giving was charming and so was completely bowled over
bathtub-row Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I once talked to a guy very briefly on a dating site. The next day, he sent me a message and he said that he missed me. Me being me, I politely asked him how he could miss me when he didn't even know me, and we had hardly talked. Wow, he went ballistic on me. Then there was the guy who wanted to do the real-time chat stuff -- I can't remember what it's actually called but I hate it because it feels very invasive. Anyway, again I politely let him know that I preferred to just talk via the site because I didn't care to talk the other way. This guy went completely off the wall nuts. I'm guessing these guys are still trying to figure out why they can't get a date. I think you mostly did the right thing but I think I would've just ignored him instead blocking. Even though the gift was kind of sweet, I can see why his neediness didn't sit well with you. 2
Els Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Sorry, OP, but you strike me as rather overdramatic. If you don't want to receive a gift on the first date, then say, "Thank you, but I don't feel comfortable receiving a gift from you at this stage." If you did want to receive it, then accept it. Accepting it and then having this full-on rant about how you SCREAMED at a bunch of heart-shaped chocolates and about how terrible this guy was to do that is just... way too dramatic. It doesn't excuse what he said to you, and you had every right to turn down the next date if you were turned off by his actions. But your entire rant about the chocolates was mind-boggling. It's just effing chocolates. 5
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Wish there were more gentlemen out there that carried a kind gesture on a date. Glad you are learning what an authentic date contains. Sounds like you did the right thing, a guy like that is rare and most likely under appreciated in todays dating world. I think you both are on different levels. Keep a positive attitude, someone is bound to click with your personality and desires. What is the value of a kind gesture when you get all nasty when the woman refuses a second date, and does so in a considerate message. A gift does not mean a thing if a guy turns out to be a nasty jerk afterwards!
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 You said you were not attracted to him physically, but you met him online, did you go to the date not knowing what he looked like? He looked OK on his picture but when I saw him in real life I realised that the picture was flattering, and was probably taken a long time ago. I do in general not give too much attention to the pictures, unless I really find the guy ugly in them. I myself look better in real life than on pictures.
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Sorry, OP, but you strike me as rather overdramatic. If you don't want to receive a gift on the first date, then say, "Thank you, but I don't feel comfortable receiving a gift from you at this stage." If you did want to receive it, then accept it. Well the gift caught me totally by surprise and me being a polite person who does not want to be all confrontational 5 minutes after meeting someone, accepted it saying that it was very attentive. I am not going to start a fight when I just have met someone. But it felt uncomfortable because I felt the whole thing had too much "Look at me what a good guy I am" over it.
Toodaloo Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I have a strong urge for chocolate now Glad I am not the only one! I think you perhaps over reacted a bit. He was being really sweet. Perhaps if you had been a bit calmer and then blocked him he may not have felt the need for all the nasty text messages? If you don't want the chocolates I don't mind eating them for you?!!! 2
guest569 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Aww, i brought a chocolate Easter bunny to a man for the first date. I thought it was sweet and he kept seeing me so it must have worked i dont see the problem, I would be pleased to get chocolates. Although judging from your summary of him, they would need to be in sealed packaging. 1
TigerCub Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 He looked OK on his picture but when I saw him in real life I realised that the picture was flattering, and was probably taken a long time ago. I do in general not give too much attention to the pictures, unless I really find the guy ugly in them. I myself look better in real life than on pictures. Thanks for answering that one. I HATE when that in bold happens! oyi.
LookAtThisPOst Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 This ends the thread. It's not the fact you found this gesture was out of desperation, but the fact a woman would find this endearing is all dependant on whether or not you were attracted. A lot of this depends on the context. I've had guys that I'm not attracted to bring me gifts on first dates and it came across as just too much or smelt of desperation. A big turn off! I've also received gifts from men I was very attracted to and surprisingly thought the gift giving was charming and so was completely bowled over 2
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