Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 So I spoke to him. I had a hunch about something. Originally when I asked him why he split with his ex he told me a story that she never did anything and painted the image of a very lazy egocentric woman. I just asked him if she worked, so far with everything he said I assumed she never worked. Well well, she works indeed. She is a Bachelor Nurse, head of department at the same hospital where he works. She probably earns twice what he does, I am not so convinces she is the lazy @ss he told me. I asked who left the marriage. He said she did. Then he started laughing and said she left numerous times and she comes back. I went OH? and she leaves for long? and he said depends, from 3 to 6 months. He also added she is extremely smart and if it weren't for her mother who held her down she would be a doctor. My conclusion is: He won't do anything to jeopardize her return. That is why he won't tell anyone that he's dating. Do I make sense? 4
writergal Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 My conclusion is: He won't do anything to jeopardize her return. That is why he won't tell anyone that he's dating. Do I make sense? So he's basically waiting for his wife/ex-wife to come back. Meanwhile, he's filling his time by dating unsuspecting single women like yourself. Gaeta, why would you go out with this guy again now that you've learned this new information about him? Yikes. Run. 2
CarrieT Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 My conclusion is: He won't do anything to jeopardize her return. That is why he won't tell anyone that he's dating. Do I make sense? Yep - time to cut him loose because she might come back...
kendahke Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) never mind my last post... If he's not doing anything to jeopardize her return, that doesn't speak well for a future with him. So sorry to read that. Edited February 9, 2015 by kendahke
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 kendahke: I had time to read what you previously wrote and it made sense. His eldest daughter is 16 and a little genius on her way to medical school. He bends backward for her. She is his biggest pride. I feel like I have just stepped in an episode of Grace Anatomy. I am sure their split is highly disturbing for all the children. I am going to give another try to online dating from March. By then that will have given me a break of 4 months. 1
clia Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 kendahke: I had time to read what you previously wrote and it made sense. His eldest daughter is 16 and a little genius on her way to medical school. He bends backward for her. She is his biggest pride. I feel like I have just stepped in an episode of Grace Anatomy. I am sure their split is highly disturbing for all the children. I am going to give another try to online dating from March. By then that will have given me a break of 4 months. As an eldest daughter who was often stuck home babysitting my two younger sisters while my mother was out dating...perhaps you should kindly recommend that he hire a babysitter so his oldest daughter isn't stuck with that task while he's out with you. It sounds like from her messages that she was fed up with her siblings and wanted him to come home. I know the feeling and it's unfair. It may have nothing to do with the divorce. She's 16 and would probably much rather be out working on her own social life. Does he often stick her with watching her siblings? Is he paying her? 1
hoping2heal Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Call me crazy but I was thrilled at the idea of having little children in my life. If one day he brings me to his home I won't be smooching on the couch with him, I will be sitting on the floor playing with barbies and ponies with the kids. Yes and that is how YOU feel about the situation, doesn't mean it will be mutual. The younger kiddos might be more accepting but I was a teenager when my parents divorced and while I was glad they divorced in many senses, I was quite the rude little pain in the ass to future gf's because I did not like what was going on there. I'm not saying it was logical, practical, or nice...but these are the things a kid can go through. Like I said, having other friends who acted and felt the same way, I know it is not hardly uncommon, either. I would personally be ten times MORE concerned about a father who brings a new partner around too soon, rather than one who goes so far to conceal that he is dating. Its too early to know whether the two of you are going to be together "for the long haul" and kids can get attached and be hurt all over again when the relationship doesn't work out. Unlike many of the other posters, I do not agree with telling your kids you are dating unless you're approaching serious commitment territory. 1
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 As an eldest daughter who was often stuck home babysitting my two younger sisters while my mother was out dating...perhaps you should kindly recommend that he hire a babysitter so his oldest daughter isn't stuck with that task while he's out with you. It sounds like from her messages that she was fed up with her siblings and wanted him to come home. I know the feeling and it's unfair. It may have nothing to do with the divorce. She's 16 and would probably much rather be out working on her own social life. Does he often stick her with watching her siblings? Is he paying her? I completely agree with you. She had started babysitting at 7 a.m. at 4 pm she was fed up and it's understandable. He did mention last night what he needs to do is find a babysitter. Yes she does takes on a lot of the babysitting, I have no idea if he gives her money for it.
hoping2heal Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 So I spoke to him. I had a hunch about something. Originally when I asked him why he split with his ex he told me a story that she never did anything and painted the image of a very lazy egocentric woman. I just asked him if she worked, so far with everything he said I assumed she never worked. Well well, she works indeed. She is a Bachelor Nurse, head of department at the same hospital where he works. She probably earns twice what he does, I am not so convinces she is the lazy @ss he told me. I asked who left the marriage. He said she did. Then he started laughing and said she left numerous times and she comes back. I went OH? and she leaves for long? and he said depends, from 3 to 6 months. He also added she is extremely smart and if it weren't for her mother who held her down she would be a doctor. My conclusion is: He won't do anything to jeopardize her return. That is why he won't tell anyone that he's dating. Do I make sense? Could certainly be it. Why not ask him about this though? Msg boards can be great for bouncing ideas off and getting perspective, but if you don't actually communicate with the person and instead just dive head first into assumptions that other people on the forum are in agreement over, you never really know.
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Could certainly be it. Why not ask him about this though? Msg boards can be great for bouncing ideas off and getting perspective, but if you don't actually communicate with the person and instead just dive head first into assumptions that other people on the forum are in agreement over, you never really know. Yes I will ask him. What really bothered me in my conversation with him is how he admired his ex-wife intelligence. I guess it got me jealous that he looked up to her openly in front of me. Then I'm remembering my ex-husband had always admired my accomplishment even 10 years after our divorce he'd tell people I was the most driven person he knew.
Art_Critic Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Well he knows his kids better than you. Maybe he knows that they want his attention all the time and had a hunch that his daugher was just calling for nothing. I would see this as rather positive as it means that he has no intention of letting his kids keep him hostage when it comes to his love life. I was going to post something similar.... I think you are looking at this in a vacuum rather than looking at the big picture and also remember he is parenting his 4 kids.. what a huge task.. he knew what was up... The other issue of not telling his kids you are both dating.. hummm... It could be he doesn't want it getting back to the ex.. it could be he just doesn't want to stir up any dust at home and since his dust has just settled that might be it. I would discuss this with him some more.. see if he comes around.. 1
hoping2heal Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) Yes I will ask him. What really bothered me in my conversation with him is how he admired his ex-wife intelligence. I guess it got me jealous that he looked up to her openly in front of me. Then I'm remembering my ex-husband had always admired my accomplishment even 10 years after our divorce he'd tell people I was the most driven person he knew. I think an honest conversation between the two of you will do a lot to clear the air. Things go sour quickly when insecurity meets assumptions and then dances around together. Open communication is just the thing to remedy to that. Sounds like he has been quite forthcoming with you also rather than just bsing so I think he should get some credit for that. Also, the ex-nurse might be lazy in some aspects even if professionally she is accomplished. I've known some very lazy people in higher up professional departments. He was honest about the wife leaving and it would certainly be to his benefit to claim that 1. he left her and 2. completely omit that tidbit about her coming back "every few months". I guess it's possible he's lying, I just can't imagine why he'd do it about the nurse when he'd better serve himself to lie about the situation with the wife. Again, assumptions are dangerous. Edited February 9, 2015 by hoping2heal 1
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 We have known each other for 6 months. I don't know what else to do to escalate this relationship to the next level under the circumstances.
hoping2heal Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 We have known each other for 6 months. I don't know what else to do to escalate this relationship to the next level under the circumstances. What level are you looking for? Are you exclusive? Are you in love? What is it you want him to give you?
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 What level are you looking for? Are you exclusive? Are you in love? What is it you want him to give you? We've never really had a discussion about exclusivity. We both deleted our online profiles back in November. We said something like I'm happy to just be seeing you. We had the usual conversation about what we want out of this and we both were looking to find someone for long term. My next level is falling in love. All the elements are there, I am attracted toward him, I look up to him, I trust him, we just don't spend enough time together for me to fall in love. In 6 months we were intimate once. I can't fall in love without intimacy. I want more time with him.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 It seems odd to me that mom is head of a dept at a hospital, has four kids (girls at that) fairly spread out in ages and hands over their primary care to dad. Something doesn't sit well with that. I do agree that he knew that the 16 yo was calling to ask him to return home. I don't think it's optimal to burden a 16 yo with the care of three younger siblings on a regular basis if its unavoidable. 1
travelbug1996 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I want more time with him. This is understandable, it would be awesome if you never needed to type it though. IMO he knows this deep down but is keeping you at a distance for whatever reason, it doesn't matter. He should be the one wanting more time with you. Best wishes
hoping2heal Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 We've never really had a discussion about exclusivity. We both deleted our online profiles back in November. We said something like I'm happy to just be seeing you. We had the usual conversation about what we want out of this and we both were looking to find someone for long term. My next level is falling in love. All the elements are there, I am attracted toward him, I look up to him, I trust him, we just don't spend enough time together for me to fall in love. In 6 months we were intimate once. I can't fall in love without intimacy. I want more time with him. Have you communicated that to him already? If so, how did he act?
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Have you communicated that to him already? If so, how did he act? Oh yes! I'm not the silent type. We had a few conversations about time. He can give me one date a week. He is overly busy with two jobs and kids + a uni class, homeworks, driving kids around to dance and theater classes, and whatsnot. He doesn't have more time. At this speed it will take 3 years for him to know me well enough to introduce me into his world. I feel under the circumstances at some point he will have to take a risk and bet in me.
Toodaloo Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Gaeta - you are such a lovely person and you deserve so much better than to be treated like a mans secret in case his wife comes back... Its also not fair for a 16 yr old to be "Mummy". It screws up the whole sibling dynamic. You are worth so very much more. He should be as proud as punch to have you on the end of his arm. I hope that you see that. 4
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I completely agree with you. She had started babysitting at 7 a.m. at 4 pm she was fed up and it's understandable. He did mention last night what he needs to do is find a babysitter. Yes she does takes on a lot of the babysitting, I have no idea if he gives her money for it. I think we know who the lazy a ss truly is....
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Gaeta is your picker still off? Where are you meeting these guys??....maybe it's time to move to the west coast and meet some nice down to earth men lol.
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Gaeta is your picker still off? Where are you meeting these guys??. Of course my picker is off lol, I met this one on Zoosk. ...maybe it's time to move to the west coast and meet some nice down to earth men lol. Is it where they're hiding!! lol. It does not help that I live in one of the most liberal city of North America, people don't marry anymore. My own mother keeps telling me 'you don't need a man, stay single'.
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Wow that's so sad your own mother can't even support you.
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