Marriage with verbal & emotional abuse...is it ok to leave

[Kaela]

I know every relationship has arguments and even in healthy relationships people can sometimes say mean things...

But my husband has real anger & rage issues. We've been together 6 years and have a daughter together (5 yrs).

It's hard because usually things are "good". Usually he's a good guy, a helpful supportive husband...but the anger and belittling are always there just below the surface.

There are times when he's done things that were obviously abusive: shoving me down, screaming in my face,calling me a slut, a whore, threatening to take my child away & divorce me. <---these things only happen when he's drunk. He's only been drunk a handful of times in the past 5 years. He only shoved me down once.

But when he's sober he has screamed at me, lost his temper countless times, called me names, told me I'm crappy at being a stay at home mom, threatened to leave me, made fun of me for crying. Once after a particularly painful episode of him yelling at me I did something I'm ashamed of and reverted back to hurting myself like I used to in my teens. I'm horribly embarrassed about it but I cut myself. When he discovered it he was still angry from the fight and called me crazy. He said "Go cut yourself more you f****ing psycho!" This of course is just one incident but memories like this never go away.

Sometimes the abuse isn't so obvious. Sometimes it's more manipulative...it makes me doubt my perception of reality...and usually he's normal. Not overly nice the way abusers can be but just normal. And we can have normal healthy arguments and discussions. But still, the abuse is there...

I've wanted to leave many times but I didn't. I'm scared that if I leave he'll lose it and become cruel all the time. I'm scared without me there, he'll treat our child badly. Since he's lost me to fight with what if he turns it on her? As it is, he's never been abusive to her. As she gets older he seems to lose his temper more easily though...

I also know he can change and has changed. We're going to start marriage counseling. Deep down though, I'm already grieving the end of our marriage and mentally preparing myself for leaving. I can't walk away unless I try counseling. And it's my only chance to protect my daughter from his anger. Who would go to therapy if their ex wife asked? No one. But when your wife insists then you go.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure my point. Maybe I'm asking strangers online for permission to leave even he gets better. Even if he changes my heart has closed off to him. I almost hope he doesn't change so it will be clear that I need to leave. How messed up is that?

 

it's hard cuz he can be so kind and supportive and we've been through so much. I have so much guilt about wanting to leave. I just resent him so much and I'm no longer on love with him. If I saw a guy treating my girl friend the way he treats me I'd tell her to leave immediately. So why is it so confusing when it's me?

I just want permission to leave. He's done so many awful cruel things...I can't even write them all here. But then he's also a caring husband most of the time. There's this cognitive dissonance going on in my mind right now.

I feel so scared and when I'm honest with myself I know I want to leave. And wanting to leave him scares me for so many reasons. And it makes me sad to leave my home and split up my family.

 

Sorry for any grammar errors. I'm on my phone and it's hard to type.

Edited February 8, 2015 by Kaela

[loveboid]

If you need permission to leave, you have mine.

[Kaela]

If you need permission to leave, you have mine.

 

Lol, thank you!

[Satu]

It is your responsibility to move - for the sake of your daughter, if nothing else.

 

Leave as soon as you can.

 

Do NOT wait for the next episode of abuse.

[Zahara]

I don't even know where to start.

 

The one most disturbing fact is that your actions is enabling your 5 year old daughter to one day believe that it is perfectly normal for a man to abuse a woman. If you can't leave for yourself, have the courage to leave for your child.

 

When you say he's supportive and good -- a good man is consistent in how he treats his wife. He doesn't show you sweetness one day and the next shove you down and call you a slut. That's the cycle of an abuser.

 

I read your past thread. I feel sorry for this child lost in this chaos and dysfunction. You with the affairs, this husband with the abuse. SMH.

Edited February 8, 2015 by Zahara

[Kaela]

I don't even know where to start.

 

The one most disturbing fact is that your actions is enabling your 5 year old daughter to one day believe that it is perfectly normal for a man to abuse a woman. If you can't leave for yourself, have the courage to leave for your child.

 

When you say he's supportive and good -- a good man is consistent in how he treats his wife. He doesn't show you sweetness one day and the next shove you down and call you a slut. That's the cycle of an abuser.

 

I know that's it's a cycle... It's just so hard to know what the reality is...He's only called me that & shoved New down when he was drunk and it was years ago. He hasn't drank around me since. ...I should've left then but I didn't.

 

Even as I type out all the different incidents it's hard for me to accept they really happened... And things are usually good. Today he's snuggling with our kid watching cartoons. There's laughter and joy in our relationship. He is usually very selfless and supportive. But then out of nowhere things change and he'll lose his temper. I just can't meld the two different realities... I feel so confused.

 

What if the verbal abuse isn't that bad and I'm just latching onto it to give me a reason to leave?

[Kaela]

It is your responsibility to move - for the sake of your daughter, if nothing else.

 

Leave as soon as you can.

 

Do NOT wait for the next episode of abuse.

 

I know...But I feel like I also have a responsibility to get him help. And to at least attempt to fix the marriage.

If I just walked out I'm scared he'd do everything he could to hurt me, include using her. I'm scared he'd treat her badly in the future if he doesn't get help now..

[Zahara]

I know that's it's a cycle... It's just so hard to know what the reality is...He's only called me that & shoved New down when he was drunk and it was years ago. He hasn't drank around me since. ...I should've left then but I didn't.

 

Even as I type out all the different incidents it's hard for me to accept they really happened... And things are usually good. Today he's snuggling with our kid watching cartoons. There's laughter and joy in our relationship. He is usually very selfless and supportive. But then out of nowhere things change and he'll lose his temper. I just can't meld the two different realities... I feel so confused.

 

What if the verbal abuse isn't that bad and I'm just latching onto it to give me a reason to leave?

 

What does your therapist say?

 

Abuse, any abuse should never be tolerated. Period.

[Zahara]

I know...But I feel like I also have a responsibility to get him help. And to at least attempt to fix the marriage.

If I just walked out I'm scared he'd do everything he could to hurt me, include using her. I'm scared he'd treat her badly in the future if he doesn't get help now..

 

You need help. It speaks greatly about your own emotional and mental dysfunction that you tolerate being treated badly. Did you think the affairs would fix your marriage? This isn't just about him, it's about your instabilities as well.

 

At this point I think you make excuses about staying.

[Kaela]

You need help. It speaks greatly about your own emotional and mental dysfunction that you tolerate being treated badly. Did you think the affairs would fix your marriage? This isn't just about him, it's about your instabilities as well.

 

At this point I think you make excuses about staying.

 

I haven't cheated on him. I did have a conversation with an ex-AP (from a previous marriage) that made me feel very guilty. We said we still loved each other, and wished each other the best. But I felt guilty for saying "love".

I do have a very strong emotional attachment to ex-AP even though we rarely communicate and haven't seen each other in years.

I've talked to my therapist about it and he thinks it's more of limerence or fantasy that I'm holding onto rather than an EA.

 

But yes, you're right that I have self esteem issues in that I allow him to treat me this way. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses to stay. I'm just trying to figure out the right why to go about all this...

[Kaela]

What does your therapist say?

 

Abuse, any abuse should never be tolerated. Period.

 

He didn't say much...I have actually written way more here than what I've told him. I've only had 2 sessions. The first was mostly my own backstory. The second I mostly talked about my past again... I spoke to him on the phone to schedule a couple's counseling session and that's when I very quickly told him that there was physical abuse once and that my husband has been very scary and verbally abusive. I felt like my counselor kinda just hurried me off the phone. He said "I'll be an advocate for your safety and no one will hurt anyone."

[loveboid]

You cannot fix violent, aggressive behavior. Sorry.

[Satu]

I know...But I feel like I also have a responsibility to get him help. And to at least attempt to fix the marriage.

If I just walked out I'm scared he'd do everything he could to hurt me, include using her. I'm scared he'd treat her badly in the future if he doesn't get help now..

 

But.

 

Such a convenient word.

[Cinnimon]

Do you find yourself walking on eggshells?

[Kaela]

Do you find yourself walking on eggshells?

 

I do. And the more I really analyze the situation the more I realize even when he's kind I'm still tense.

[autumnnight]

You need help. It speaks greatly about your own emotional and mental dysfunction that you tolerate being treated badly. Did you think the affairs would fix your marriage? This isn't just about him, it's about your instabilities as well.

 

At this point I think you make excuses about staying.

 

OP, I'm going to speak to this. You started this thread to ask about a man who shoves you, screams at you, curses at you, and tells you to go cut yourself. No intelligent person would deem this treatment acceptable.

 

I don't know if you've cheated, and quite frankly, I. Don't. Care. There's a twisted notion on pretty much every marriage site that any form or level of adultery trumps every other type of abuse. That once a hint of infidelity enters the conversation, nothing else matters.

 

To put it bluntly, that is bullshyte. What you are enduring is nor acceptable for your husband to be doing.

 

Period.

[Cinnimon]

I do. And the more I really analyze the situation the more I realize even when he's kind I'm still tense.

 

I asked you this because I to walked on eggshells with my ex-husband . Your husband sounds a lot like him.

I stayed with him for 10 years, feeling as I could fix him or maybe it was something I was doing to provoke him, was it right to walk away from my marriage, maybe he gets angrier because he loves me so much.

He never hit me, it was verbal mostly with some pushing and shoving sometimes. He said horrible things to me, about me, about my kids, about my family about my friends. NO ONE wanted to be around us/him, they got tired of me making excuses for him and myself for staying with him. It got to the point I walked on eggshells all the time. I couldn't have an opinion or at least I didn't dare voice it. I could go on and on, lost my kids, my family and friends no longer came around it was just me and him. I was always waiting for the shoes to drop so to speak. ALWAYS walking on eggshells. By the time I left I suffered a broken wrist from breaking a fall from one of his "shoves". A broken tailbone from another shove.A concussion from "falling" and hitting my head on a rock fireplace. ( I fell trying to get away from his shoves) A severed finger from having my hand in the way when he slammed a door on me out of anger. I had been humiliated MANY times due to his anger, such as being thrown into the street in front of our house COMPLETELY naked, after being stripped down by him and tossed out because I was leaving with nothing (his words).

Went to dinner one night, I said something he didn't like, he said he wasn't feeling well and asked for our food to go, when we got home he poured the to go containers of food over my head.

BUT HE NEVER HIT ME.

I still see my kids cringe when his name is mentioned. My youngest daughter still has nightmares about him and this was 15 years ago.

It's so not worth it honey. Trust me.

Looking back on it all now, I realize just how sick I was and am still facing the longterm damage from it.........

They do not get better. They get worse.

[Cinnimon]

I actually feel physically nauseated from just typing that.........Deja Vu

[Cinnimon]

Its not only okay, it's necessary.

[Kaela]

I asked you this because I to walked on eggshells with my ex-husband . Your husband sounds a lot like him.

I stayed with him for 10 years, feeling as I could fix him or maybe it was something I was doing to provoke him, was it right to walk away from my marriage, maybe he gets angrier because he loves me so much.

He never hit me, it was verbal mostly with some pushing and shoving sometimes. He said horrible things to me, about me, about my kids, about my family about my friends. NO ONE wanted to be around us/him, they got tired of me making excuses for him and myself for staying with him. It got to the point I walked on eggshells all the time. I couldn't have an opinion or at least I didn't dare voice it. I could go on and on, lost my kids, my family and friends no longer came around it was just me and him. I was always waiting for the shoes to drop so to speak. ALWAYS walking on eggshells. By the time I left I suffered a broken wrist from breaking a fall from one of his "shoves". A broken tailbone from another shove.A concussion from "falling" and hitting my head on a rock fireplace. ( I fell trying to get away from his shoves) A severed finger from having my hand in the way when he slammed a door on me out of anger. I had been humiliated MANY times due to his anger, such as being thrown into the street in front of our house COMPLETELY naked, after being stripped down by him and tossed out because I was leaving with nothing (his words).

Went to dinner one night, I said something he didn't like, he said he wasn't feeling well and asked for our food to go, when we got home he poured the to go containers of food over my head.

BUT HE NEVER HIT ME.

I still see my kids cringe when his name is mentioned. My youngest daughter still has nightmares about him and this was 15 years ago.

It's so not worth it honey. Trust me.

Looking back on it all now, I realize just how sick I was and am still facing the longterm damage from it.........

They do not get better. They get worse.

 

That sounds horrible...I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I know that must've been hard to even type. Are you in counseling now?

God I hope my husband doesn't get worse...I'm about to walk out as it is...

[Kaela]

Can you talk to your therapist? Can you go to counseling, get the details out on the table, so he knows how you feel? Something is holding you back from leaving, what is that? Do you think he might be bi-polar? Your safety is most important. Can you explore your options with someone who can help you navigate your feelings as well as your choices? -Cookin'Quiltin

 

Yeah I have another counseling session coming up. I'm going to tell everything this time. Until then I'm just reading some books I bought on verbal abuse and journaling a lot. I've told my mom but she seems to think I should at least go to counseling first.

[Cinnimon]

Yeah I have another counseling session coming up. I'm going to tell everything this time. Until then I'm just reading some books I bought on verbal abuse and journaling a lot. I've told my mom but she seems to think I should at least go to counseling first.

 

Does he act like this in front of others or just you?

[Cinnimon]

That sounds horrible...I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I know that must've been hard to even type. Are you in counseling now?

God I hope my husband doesn't get worse...I'm about to walk out as it is...

Thank you. No,I am not in counseling now, this was 15 years ago. I went through counseling back then and it was extremely helpful.

I wish you luck and safety.

[mrs rubble]

I left a marriage like this 9 years ago when my youngest son was 7, I went through absolute hell with my son and the effect of his father's abuse over the years.

Please, for your childs sake especially get out NOW, do not wait for the damage to intensify. What if he hurts her? That would be your fault for not removing her from the situation.

[loveboid]

s

I'm scared without me there, he'll treat our child badly. Since he's lost me to fight with what if he turns it on her?

 

This is a valid fear. I got beaten after my mom left my dad. But then, he beat us before she left too. It got worse after she left. I think he thought if he beat us she'd come back to protect us. I have no idea.

 

Don't let that stop you from getting away. Make a secret plan. Include taking your child with you. At the very least, talk to her and tell her the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse is wrong and to avoid him as much as possible. Make friends. Focus on school. Dream about the future and work toward those dreams instead of constantly wasting time on him.

 

One good thing about physical child abuse is that it often stops when the child gets too big to hit. Predators are cowards and only hit when they can get away with it and won't get hurt. Yeah, he's preying on you. He gets a lot of benefits from manipulating you into fearfully catering to him...lots of special attention with no work.

Edited February 10, 2015 by loveboid
grammar