Possible infidelity?

[fellini]

Anyone who posts this "[Young people] are almost never concerned with the right problem, and often entirely focused on the wrong ones." is being patronising.

 

and this "There are lots of good reasons to get married at 18. Let's see, there's....umm."

 

and this "18 and engaged?!? What is this, 1774?"

 

This is merely to state the obvious. People are being patronising, that in this case you support it is another matter.

 

18 year olds are entrusted with life and death decisions every day. They have legal entitlement to marry. If you don't agree with that, that is another issue altogether. And further, to tell someone they aren't asking the "right questions" who has lived through and still dealing with the shadow of abuse is more patronising than a generic statement that no 18 year old is capable of making personal choices.

 

My mother married at 17 in 1955, not 1774 according to a previous poster.

 

In fact the median age for woman to marry in the united states Dropped from 1890 (22) to age 20 in the 50s 60s and 70s.

 

And with respect to the 1774 comment, the statistics show that the average age of marriage for women was almost identical to that today:

 

1566-1619 27.0 years

1647-1719 29.6 years

1719-1779 26.8 years

1770-1837 25.1 years

 

So no, this is not "1774" its 1674.

 

Besides, the OP said they were engaged.

 

Simply put no one here has any idea of the context, life, circumstances of anything in making her decision to become engaged to this guy. We know nothing of their motives, we know nothing of their religious beliefs, we know nothing about their commitment to each other. It's not our business.

 

Get over yourselves and explain to this girl what she should do about her "wrong question".

 

I don't agree that people here are being patronising. I have nieces in a similar age range and would say exactly the same to them and I have professional experience with young people of this age. If she doesn't want our advice in relation to this matter including comments about age, then she is free to let us know.

 

Of course anything can happen in life. However when he has already indicated desires around kissing another girl then I think we are justified to advise against marriage at this stage.

Edited February 10, 2015 by fellini

[sandylee1]

I'm not being drawn into discussions with those who cannot post respectfully. When 9/10 people are saying similar things most would ask why that is. Could be that we have a valid point. It's fine to disagree, but do so with respect.

[fellini]

Where I come from saying:

 

"[Young people] are almost never concerned with the right problem, and often entirely focused on the wrong ones." is being patronising.

 

and this "There are lots of good reasons to get married at 18. Let's see, there's....umm."

 

and this "18 and engaged?!? What is this, 1774?"

 

are disrespectful. Even if 9 out of 10 agree.

 

 

 

 

I'm not being drawn into discussions with those who cannot post respectfully. When 9/10 people are saying similar things most would ask why that is. Could be that we have a valid point. It's fine to disagree, but do so with respect.

[Realist3]

I asked him who he would choose to kiss if it were one other person and he chose her.

I died inside and hurt.

 

That should tell you all you need to know. Your relationship is not engagement/marriage worthy at this time.

 

Another thing is why would he tell you about his dream? I know I would never tell my GF/fiance about a dream of another woman. Coupled with his parents suggestion(whether true or not), suggests that your initial hunch is most likely correct. I'm not saying he cheated, just that it seems he hasn't completely bought in yet. Nothing wrong with that. It is normal.

 

I don't know if you are too young to get married, because I don't know you. One thing I do know is that neither of you will be the same person in 5 years. Marriage is not easy at any age. Getting married before either of you have experienced a major stage in human mental development, I'm sure it will be an even bigger challenge. Time is on your side, there is no rush.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Anyone who posts this "[Young people] are almost never concerned with the right problem, and often entirely focused on the wrong ones." is being patronising.

 

and this "There are lots of good reasons to get married at 18. Let's see, there's....umm."

 

and this "18 and engaged?!? What is this, 1774?"

 

This is merely to state the obvious. People are being patronising, that in this case you support it is another matter.

 

18 year olds are entrusted with life and death decisions every day. They have legal entitlement to marry. If you don't agree with that, that is another issue altogether. And further, to tell someone they aren't asking the "right questions" who has lived through and still dealing with the shadow of abuse is more patronising than a generic statement that no 18 year old is capable of making personal choices.

 

My mother married at 17 in 1955, not 1774 according to a previous poster.

 

In fact the median age for woman to marry in the united states Dropped from 1890 (22) to age 20 in the 50s 60s and 70s.

 

And with respect to the 1774 comment, the statistics show that the average age of marriage for women was almost identical to that today:

 

 

 

So no, this is not "1774" its 1674.

 

Besides, the OP said they were engaged.

 

Simply put no one here has any idea of the context, life, circumstances of anything in making her decision to become engaged to this guy. We know nothing of their motives, we know nothing of their religious beliefs, we know nothing about their commitment to each other. It's not our business.

 

Get over yourselves and explain to this girl what she should do about her "wrong question".

 

 

Relax. It's humor. Some people got it.

 

That said, life is different today than it was back then. I agree with the age limit to marry, but I still think in most cases, it's a bad idea. Look at the topic at hand. You've got one kid who has proposed marriage, and is already flirting with the notion of some amount of an open relationship.

 

If this were my son or daughter, I'd tell them to figure it out, but NOT to get married first. ya dig?

[jc_s4]

Thank you for all your useful replies. And I appreciate each and every one of them, not feeling hurt or patronized...but rather I appreciate the guidance and perspective of a mature, completely third person party. So thank you.

 

Yes, I'm young. I have issues. And yes...I do need counseling. I do have my reservations sometimes because I am fragile when it comes to this particular subject and I don't want to get hurt. But I try to view it in a positive light when I have doubts. Even if he isn't who I will marry in the end, at least I gave us a try. I collect classic German cars and rebuild them from the ground up, and everyday I have to make a judgement call on whether each decision of mine will be a good investment.

I don't view myself as a weak person. I've had stable work since I was 15 and am my own individual. To come out of an abusive childhood and to be better than what you came from is all I've ever wanted. To show people that I'm not going to be a stereotype of any kind. I want to be an example for younger ones, my siblings, my peers...and also show those who are many years my elders that yes, in most cases, wisdom comes with age...but that's because of 1. Knowledge. 2. Understanding. And once you apply it to your life, it becomes that important 3. Wisdom. I want them to see that I too, can have the wisdom that grows as I do.

I find the book of Proverbs especially helpful when I lack in a certain area of my personal character.

I welcome more discussion though. It's helpful to hear the point of view from everyone.

Thanks so much!

[Realist3]

Thank you for all your useful replies. And I appreciate each and every one of them, not feeling hurt or patronized...but rather I appreciate the guidance and perspective of a mature, completely third person party. So thank you.

 

Yes, I'm young. I have issues. And yes...I do need counseling. I do have my reservations sometimes because I am fragile when it comes to this particular subject and I don't want to get hurt. But I try to view it in a positive light when I have doubts. Even if he isn't who I will marry in the end, at least I gave us a try. I collect classic German cars and rebuild them from the ground up, and everyday I have to make a judgement call on whether each decision of mine will be a good investment.

I don't view myself as a weak person. I've had stable work since I was 15 and am my own individual. To come out of an abusive childhood and to be better than what you came from is all I've ever wanted. To show people that I'm not going to be a stereotype of any kind. I want to be an example for younger ones, my siblings, my peers...and also show those who are many years my elders that yes, in most cases, wisdom comes with age...but that's because of 1. Knowledge. 2. Understanding. And once you apply it to your life, it becomes that important 3. Wisdom. I want them to see that I too, can have the wisdom that grows as I do.

I find the book of Proverbs especially helpful when I lack in a certain area of my personal character.

I welcome more discussion though. It's helpful to hear the point of view from everyone.

Thanks so much!

 

I really like your post, you sound with it.

 

The wisdom phase starts when your frontal lobe is fully developed, starting around mid-20's. You think about things differently. What seemed like a great idea at 18 now seems not so great. Once you have entered that phase you are in 'wisdom's' infancy.