jc_s4 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 So, quick background here...I'm 18 and my fiance is 19 and we've been together for 2 1/2 years, but have known each other for 5. We are a match made in heaven and are extremely happy together. But I was raised in an abusive family situation and have only seen the adults in my life be unfaithful to one another. I have a hard time dealing with this fear of infidelity, and am very cautious in making sure our relationship is in a good place. My fiance is very loving and extremely attentive and has never given me reason to doubt him. I'd say that we are both very protective and jealous in our relationship and have always been very exclusive and cautious. I don't have guy friends, he doesn't have female friends. It's not complicated. But there are small things that bother me and I don't know if it's just me or not. So about a month ago, he came over and after spending some time together cuddling and laughing, he said that he wanted me to kiss another guy. I was puzzled and immediately thought that he was looking for excuses to look around at other girls, even though that's entirely out of his character. He said that his parents thought it'd be good for us to try to see if we were completely happy and decided on each other. (I don't even have to think about it) and then he went on to tell me that the previous night, he had a dream about another girl from the next town over that I didn't know very well. (Tall, lean, blonde) and he said in this dream, it was only him and her and that they were running and playing Frisbee and hanging out. But the fact that I wasnt in the dream bothered me. I asked him who he would choose to kiss if it were one other person and he chose her. I died inside and hurt. I tried to ignore it but the pain and building tension of the last few weeks got to me and I told him that I was ending things and needed a break. He was devastated and crying and we made up soon after the incident. But I wonder why he'd think about those things. I'm not inclined to be interested in pursuing a relationship and have had a bad taste left in my mouth from my childhood, so he is and has been the only exception. The same goes for him with his relationship experiences. So is it just me...or should I worry?
thummper Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Doesn't sound good, honey. Sounds like his intention was to get you to kiss someone else so he'd have an excuse to plant one on this other gal. Keep looking. There are better bets around, guys who only want you and no one else, who would NEVER suggest that you kiss another guy just to see if he's really "the one." What a crock! Somehow I sincerely doubt that his parents actually came up with that. I wouldn't trust this guy AT ALL. Good luck.
No Limit Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 You two are pretty young. Infidelity is bound to happen at some point when he's already checking out when you're engaged. I think you should definitely wait before you marry somebody, and I doubt that somebody is going to be him.
Ralph79 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I also agree that you are very young. Understand that you will grow as a person and the woman you will be tomorrow will have bigger and more ambitious expectations of a life partner than the woman you are today. You might regret making a decision so soon and end up being morally and legally tied down to a man you might fall out of love with, because life will eventually expose you to men you might respect and admire more than your own husband. You said you didn't have guy friends. I would change that. Get a job or put yourself in an environment where you can make friends. I'm not saying ditch him and go around having BF's left and right. But talk with other guys and be simply friends with some. You might find yourself not so eager to say "I do" so soon. I think his parents had the right idea, but not in the way he phrased it. It's good if you two took a six month break, or a year long break before committing to marriage. If you find out he took that time to court other girls while you waited faithfully for him, or simply made friends but made no attempts at any romantic connections to any of them, then that might prove to be a good test for you to gauge who you are marrying. 1
MJJean Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 He's human. The desire to kiss, etc. other women is perfectly natural and normal. Falling in love and being in a happy relationship doesn't mean that a person won't find other people physically appealing. Being in love and in a committed, happy, relationship means that those feelings won't be acted upon. I've been with my DH for 15 years. Of course I have met men who are attractive and have great personalities. Of course I have met men who I would pursue if I wasn't deeply in love with my husband. And the same is true for him. Neither of us has cheated. Have you thought about going to therapy to deal with your fear of infidelity? If you are serious about marrying someday you need to deal with the fears or they may start to control you and ruin your relationship. This is true if you marry your young man and if it doesn't work out and you end up meeting someone else you love. 1
7andcounting Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 he said that he wanted me to kiss another guy. Relationships with young people are weird and boundaries are a little off these days. Maybe his intention wasn't to excuse an event with another person or to justify a desire to be with someone else. Maybe it was a sexual desire? He wanted you to kiss someone else... He didn't say go out and experience other people... Just saying as PC as I can...
loveboid Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I would let him go be the child that he still is. There are good men out there. Keep working on yourself to be the woman that these men are looking for. 1
BetrayedH Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I agreed with MJJean except where it was recommended that you undergo therapy. That might be valid (although I think some skepticism about faithfulness is a sad but wise approach). What I think is more important is that your BF thinks that desire for another girl would mean that you two aren't meant for each other. As MJJean aptly points out, you're always going to feel attraction for other people. That part is fairly involuntary. And frankly, even your desire for each other will morph and wane over time. Limerence fades and in strong couples, it evolves into mature love that is more akin to a deep respect and admiration, one that you'd never betray. Attraction to others or the fading of limerence are not signs that you're not meant for one another; they are signs that you should install boundaries (as you have wisely mentioned) that protect the primary relationship. The key to all of it is CHOICE. People choose to be faithful or they choose to be unfaithful. It is a decision. Feelings may change but in a real "keeper," the commitment remains. I'm afraid your boyfriend doesn't get that and is following some very poor logic. I think it is he that requires some wise counsel, moreso than you. What I would suggest for you is to ensure that he gets it. If he doesn't (and he's kinda young to get it at that age), move along to another that does. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 18 and engaged?!? What is this, 1774? 1
Hope Shimmers Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 You two are way way WAY too young to be engaged. You are just kids. Neither of you have any life experience at all, and you have a ton to learn before you commit to someone. This is not the 1950's. He was honest with you and if you "died inside" because he wanted to kiss someone else, then that's yet another reason why you need to back way off from being engaged. Trust me, it gets way worse than that. Give it a few years and some experience on both sides. It's difficult enough even with that - it would almost never work with a marriage at your age. 2
oldshirt Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I think either he or you or somebody misinterpreted what his parents were trying to say and misinterpreting the message they were trying to convey. Both of you SHOULD be open to dating other people and going out and doing things with other people and in groups of friends etc. You should not be rigidly exclusive with anyone at this point in your life and you should both be keeping your options open and not even considering engagement or marriage or anything like that at this point. Your insecure home life has left you somewhat desperate for security and connection and you have therefor latched on to him for that security. At your age you need to be doing the opposite and you need to be learning to support yourself and stand on your own two feet and build your own life and develop your own independence and your own life skills. Some form of therapy is probably a good idea but not to address your relationship issues with your BF but rather to develop your own independence and your own self-esteem and self-worth and ability to support yourself. Both of you should be multi-dating and keeping your options open and learning about the bigger world and how people function and operate in the world. Not trying yourself down to the first person that treats you decently. 2
fellini Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) Don't listen to this conservative crap about being to young to be engaged. What does it matter if you are engaged or not if you have both decided to commit to one another. It's not like he is a prince with a huge inheritance and you are talking prenuptuals. You marry young, fine, you'll find out married or not if your relationship will stick. It's called commitment. Nothing more. If you feel ready to commit, commit. Don't let society tell you when you are old enough to commit. This has less to do with the institution of marriage than to do with each of your being yourselves and doing what you think is right. Second. His dream, if it was a dream, is nonsense. You cannot judge him, or his love for you based on who does and does not appear in his dream. The subconcsious uses images to provide us with dreams. This other girl, you have no idea what she means in his dreams. I still have dreams in which my spouse of 19 years does not appear, nor does it seem I even HAVE a spouse in my dreams. My daughter, who I love more than life itself almost never appears in my dreams. Am I to conclude I don't really love my daughter? Because she doesn't figure (or I wake up and cannot even remember if she figures) in my dreams. How do I know what in my dreams represents my wife and child and what not? Why bother making so much of fleeting incoherant images that pass through our subconscious...It doesn't work that way. THAT SAID, what he SAYS about his dream is important. In spite of his dream, he was consciously talking about this girl in his waking state and this is something you need to address. Be aware that living a life like you two were the only living creatures on the planet is a time bomb. Believing in a reduced version of prince charming and happily ever after is to live with rose colored glasses permanently filtering what you see. You are in honeymoon stage, it lasts quite some time when you are young. This part of the marriage is the easiest. The hard part of being with someone is when the chemistry stops injecting us with this love high - this massive injection of dopamine and gets replaced by another - people say "deeper" - but I'd call it more profound love - in which dopamine gets replaced with seratonin and ultimately Oxytocin. (Google "brain in love drug" and you will get all this - especially interesting is Helen Fisher who has a TED TALK on this subject. For this reason it has ZERO to do with marriage and everything to do with TIME and how you use it. Good luck Edited February 9, 2015 by fellini 2
sandylee1 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I echo what others have said. You are born to young to be engaged and considering marriage. Perhaps his parents were trying to say this as will. You need much more life experience before you get married, otherwise you'll find the pressures to much to handle. At this age you should not have such stress and should be out enjoying life and establishing the qualities that make a good life partner. You need to experience other people, so you don't live in regret and cave in later because you missed out. Try and be individually independent and establish careers for yourselves before you go any further. I would not want my son or daughter getting married so young and would do everything in my power to discourage it. 1
fellini Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 How about she tosses him aside because she takes your advice. In 8 years she meets a new guy, good enough, marries settles down, and has a couple of kids. Returns to her hometown for Homecoming and bumps into this guy she has tossed to the wind "for experience" and lands in infidelity like so many stories we have read here in LS: "I got back together with my highschool sweetheart." Your cliche is as good as mine. So yeah, she can choose: marry this guy, "cave in later and cheat" or she can marry another guy and years later come back and cheat with this one. It's all hypothetical romantic imaginings. No one can predict someone else's future. Let her live her life and make her own mistakes and learn from them. Carpe Diem. I echo what others have said. You are born to young to be engaged and considering marriage. Perhaps his parents were trying to say this as will. You need much more life experience before you get married, otherwise you'll find the pressures to much to handle. At this age you should not have such stress and should be out enjoying life and establishing the qualities that make a good life partner. You need to experience other people, so you don't live in regret and cave in later because you missed out. Try and be individually independent and establish careers for yourselves before you go any further. I would not want my son or daughter getting married so young and would do everything in my power to discourage it. 2
fellini Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) I remember when I was about 25 and had been with a girl for maybe 4-5 years, but I was her first real love... I had a similar dilemna. I really wanted to be with this young woman. She was everything I wanted. But she "didn't have experience". And I remember saying to my Best Female Friend then, "I'm really in a bind. Because if I stay with her, and we become a permanent couple, I know I am staying with a girl who might want experiences. I might be better off breaking up with her, and let her get those, and then get back together." But it doesn't work like that. I wanted this woman, so I cannot also want her to be with another guy - even if I was sure she would come back - which I could never control. I had no interest is losing her even for a day to another guy for experience. Well we broke up. She saw another guy, and within 6 weeks she wanted me back. But the damage was done. The innocence was over. There was no going back. But sincerely, for years we had massive problems being friends and regretting what had passed between us. Turns out experience was not really high on her list of needs. Sharing a world, intimately, with someone she felt really good being with was what made her tick. She had one or two relationships after me - over a span of about 10 years. And now even 35 years later, she continues to be single. You cannot programme someone else's experiences. That's not what experience is. So about a month ago, he came over and after spending some time together cuddling and laughing, he said that he wanted me to kiss another guy. I was puzzled and immediately thought that he was looking for excuses to look around at other girls, even though that's entirely out of his character. Edited February 9, 2015 by fellini 1
Lion Heart Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 There are good arguments made for breaking up or taking a break but ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone says to you or your fiancé, though I applaud you for seeking OPs advice. Alot of our advice is coming from much older and more experienced heads and it's important to think things through thoroughly before making any major decisions. You've already made a public commitment by getting engaged. Sometimes even an engagement is hard to break but a marraige is harder to break and after children IMO extremely difficult. I think outright honesty with each other is the key. It'll serve you both so well to build on this important factor in your relationship whether you stay together or ever split in the future. I think, as in most relationships, one partner really wants to be honest but is afraid to be totally so because they don't want to hurt the other. I believe this could be the case with your bf. He was trying to broach the subject for reasons only he knows. Because you reacted with "died inside", and understandably so given your age and fears, he clamped up. He doesn't want to hurt you BUT he does have something on his mind that he wants you to know. I'd brave having the "let's be honest with each other about this" convo which could go over a few weeks. He may hedge because he's already seen your partial reaction. You may need to try and prepare yourself with "what's the worst thing that could come out of this conversation" talk with yourself. Then head into it. Just know if the worst thing is breaking up, it's actually the best thing and that's hard to write, let alone for you to go through. I'm not sure if relationship counselling should be high on your list atm but individual C would be highly recommended so you can start to resolve childhood pain & patterning. Best wishes for your future Lion Heart. 2
Ralph79 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Don't listen to this conservative crap about being to young to be engaged. What does it matter if you are engaged or not if you have both decided to commit to one another. It's not like he is a prince with a huge inheritance and you are talking prenuptuals. You marry young, fine, you'll find out married or not if your relationship will stick. It's called commitment. Nothing more. If you feel ready to commit, commit. Don't let society tell you when you are old enough to commit. This has less to do with the institution of marriage than to do with each of your being yourselves and doing what you think is right. Please don't encourage this girl to view the sanctity of marriage taken under oath as nothing mere than a signed piece of paper. That is why people become BF/GF. That's the whole point of going steady. And this has EVERYTHING to do with the institution of marriage. If you marry is because you are both mutually agreeing to remain faithful to each other the rest of your lives. Weather you want to accept it or not, some of us still believe in honoring our vows when spoken, because we expect our partner to do the same. I've seen people's lives get destroyed because of immature girls who said "oh, I'll just marry him to see if it'll work out... worse case, I'll get some alimony, what's there to lose". I was one of them. Had she been honest and told me that was her mindset I wouldn't have said "I do" at the altar. Additionally I'm going to quote a post by @CarrieT on another thread really relevant here about failed marriages that started off young: We "old folks" have seen this over-and-over-and-over. I chalk it up to "half-baked brain syndrome" that you can read about here. Briefly, the frontal cortex to your brain doesn't even finish connecting until your late 20s (about the age you are now) and up until this time, you really don't have all the synapses needed to make intelligent decisions. It means that until you are this age, you really aren't the person you are meant to be for the bulk of your adult life and all the things you THOUGHT you wanted and knew are changing. Someone told me about it when I was in my early 20s and I didn't believe them. The New Age folks call it the Saturn Return. Trust me, you are now a different person than you were when you got married. You were a child then and you are an adult now. No reason to feel guilty that you want something different than you did before you were grown up. OP: This is great info, and fortunately you get a chance to read this just in time to make a more informed decision. How about she tosses him aside because she takes your advice. In 8 years she meets a new guy, good enough, marries settles down, and has a couple of kids. Returns to her hometown for Homecoming and bumps into this guy she has tossed to the wind "for experience" and lands in infidelity like so many stories we have read here in LS: "I got back together with my highschool sweetheart." Committing an infidelity would be her CHOICE not her DESTINY as you are trying to imply. The OP knows the consequences of infidelity very well to condemn her to commit it. I can't speak for others, but I originally suggested she and him take a break. What they do with that time is up to each of them. It would be a great test of their resolve to commit. I also suggested she meet guys. Not date them or much less get sexually involved with them. Simply open herself up to knowing what's out there, not touching or tasting or indulging. Simply knowing. That's all. NOW is the time to test the relationship, not after you speak your Vows. Well we broke up. She saw another guy, and within 6 weeks she wanted me back. But the damage was done. The innocence was over. There was no going back. But sincerely, for years we had massive problems being friends and regretting what had passed between us. It was her choice to see another guy. She could have dwelled on the relationship and waited for you, but she didn't. It was your choice not to forgive her for the choice she made. Don't get me wrong. Not all cases end up like mine. But not all cases end up like yours. You are right to point on there's a risk that HE might be the one. And that forcing them to date other people is a paradox. They love that they are faithful to each other, how the hell are they going test the strength of their bond if doing so implies romancing others. Which is why I say simply take a break, and let her gauge what he does. But I also think that given the fact that she told us she has no male friends, it's a bad idea to make a choice when life is so close to opening her world to so much.
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 There are lots of good reasons to get married at 18. Let's see, there's....umm. hmmmm.. 1
Chi townD Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I think another thing going against you is friends and family concerned that you two are too young to be this serious. He might be feeling pressure from his family.
fellini Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Well if the OP really wanted to hear from a group of strangers if she should marry at 18, I'm sure she is capable of asking. She didn't. So I dont see why people here think it's okay to completely ignore her post and focus on an issue she isn't concerned with.
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Well if the OP really wanted to hear from a group of strangers if she should marry at 18, I'm sure she is capable of asking. She didn't. So I dont see why people here think it's okay to completely ignore her post and focus on an issue she isn't concerned with. You know any 18 year olds? They are almost never concerned with the right problem, and often entirely focused on the wrong ones. She's getting good advice, even if it's not the advice she came here for.
fellini Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Oh I have plenty of experience with 16, 17 18, 19 year olds. Enough to know why they cannot stand patronising adults. You know any 18 year olds? They are almost never concerned with the right problem, and often entirely focused on the wrong ones. She's getting good advice, even if it's not the advice she came here for.
sandylee1 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 QUOTE=fellini;6 150444]How about she tosses him aside because . she takes your advice. In 8 years she meets a new guy, good enough, marries settles down, and has a couple of kids. Returns to her hometown for Homecoming and bumps into this guy she has tossed to the wind "for experience" and lands in infidelity like so many stories we have read here in LS: "I got back together with my highschool sweetheart." Your cliche is as good as mine. So yeah, she can choose: marry this guy, "cave in later and cheat" or she can marry another guy and years later come back and cheat with this one. It's all hypothetical romantic imaginings. No one can predict someone else's future. Let her live her life and make her own mistakes and learn from them. Carpe Diem. I stand by my point. 18 is too young IMO to get married In this day and age and even if that wasn't the question, his parents advice is kind of linked to his/ their ages. I don't think they would be saying that if he was 30. I never said I was a fortune teller but common sense prevails on this one, it really isn't rocket science. I'm not saying she shouldn't marry him, I'm just saying She could wait a little bit older to do so. I don't agree that people here are being patronising. I have nieces in a similar age range and would say exactly the same to them and I have professional experience with young people of this age. If she doesn't want our advice in relation to this matter including comments about age, then she is free to let us know. Of course anything can happen in life. However when he has already indicated desires around kissing another girl then I think we are justified to advise against marriage at this stage.
HereNorThere Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 OP, it's just not healthy to think about marriage at your age. You have your whole life ahead of you and if this person is meant to be your partner, you'll still be with them in your later 20s anyway, so does marriage really matter or prove anything? The truth is, neither one of you are the person you will be 10 years from now. The next 10 years of your life are very formative. You learn so much about yourself, your likes, dislikes, etc and will probably be a very different person at 30. Take it from someone who has been there. Take marriage off the plate for a while and give yourself some room to grow. You'll think yourself later, I promise.
HelenaHandbasket Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 18 and engaged?!? What is this, 1774? Comment of the day hahahahahaha!!!!!!
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