fallen12 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 There is this woman I have fallen for. I met her over a year ago but it's been over 5 months now, that we really have gotten to know each other. The only problem is that she is engaged. She has fallen for me as well but is scared mainly of her parent's opinion. Specifically, her mother, which she doesn't want to disappoint. She says her mother thinks she's the perfect child so she doesn't want to disappoint her. She's also scared of how she may react. She tells me she wants me and needs me but is too afraid. I wonder if there is anything I can do or say that can help her because I don't want to lose her either. Would love to hear some thoughts from others. Thanks.
Derek1979 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 What does the man who she's going to marry think of you? 1
Author fallen12 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 What does the man who she's going to marry think of you? He has no idea what has been going on.
Derek1979 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 He has no idea what has been going on. You are lucky because if I could I'd tell him the whole story. 1
EgoJoe Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 You are an emotional child and she is your puppeteer. This post belongs in the "other man/woman" forum. It's only going to get worse until you move on. 1
Derek1979 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I'm a man desired by no one, but I'm lucky I'm not you or your engaged girlfriend.
smackie9 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Ditch her. She is messed up because she has no individuality, and her main goal in life is to keep her mother happy......and to boot she has you emotionally involved in this because she can't solve her own problems......this is bad karma. 2
Satu Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I presume that you're an adult. Act like one, and walk away. 1
Satu Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 You are lucky because if I could I'd tell him the whole story. So would I.
SycamoreCircle Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Both of you are gravitating towards an unhealthy union. Both of you need to get far away from each other. You need to begin to question your own personal boundaries---they serve two purposes: to protect you and to protect other people. Until you become more self-aware and confident in such things you're going to hurt and be hurt. 1
Author fallen12 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 The reason it has been hard to let go is because we work at the same place. I admit that it was a mistake from the beginning but it already happened. She says she never expected that it would happen which is why she agreed to hang out. We work in a small area which there isn't much to do at all. That is one reason why it all started.
CarrieT Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 That is one reason why it all started. No. The reason it started is because you let it. And she let it. The reason it has been hard to let go is because we work at the same place. That is a cop-out excuse. I admit that it was a mistake from the beginning but it already happened. Okay, so what are you going to do to fix it? She says she never expected that it would happen which is why she agreed to hang out. No one EVER expects "it" would happen and her reason is a cop-out as well. Seriously, why don't you just tell her fiancé and get it all out in the open? 1
Author fallen12 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 No. The reason it started is because you let it. And she let it. I let it, yes. She already knew I was interested in her before she agreed to hang out with me. I was interested in her before she was engaged though. That is a cop-out excuse. Maybe. I see her everyday at work and a lot of days after work. I'm sure it can be stopped if we both tried hard enough. No one EVER expects "it" would happen and her reason is a cop-out as well. You're right that no one expects it. She does take responsibility because she knows I was interested before. Seriously, why don't you just tell her fiancé and get it all out in the open? I think about telling him. 1
Author fallen12 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 You and her are responsible. I do agree. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 You are a home wrecker & she is a coward. Do you understand that? If she doesn't love her FI she needs to cancel the wedding. Her marriage will be horrible. Since she doesn't seem to have enough sense to do the right thing that leaves you. Tell her you care about her & would like to pursue something real with her but until she ditches the FI & calls of the wedding you are walking away. If it's too hard because you work together, get a new job but understand that a messy break up is the main reason you should not date people where you work. 1
Author fallen12 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 You are a home wrecker & she is a coward. Do you understand that? If she doesn't love her FI she needs to cancel the wedding. Her marriage will be horrible. Since she doesn't seem to have enough sense to do the right thing that leaves you. Tell her you care about her & would like to pursue something real with her but until she ditches the FI & calls of the wedding you are walking away. If it's too hard because you work together, get a new job but understand that a messy break up is the main reason you should not date people where you work. I understand all that. I have told her what I want but she still loves him. When she first felt she loved me she was confused. She didn't know if it was possible to love two people at the same time. She has only been with one man and that is her fiance. The only man she had done anything with until she met me. I see why you shouldn't date from work. If she does decide to get married though, she will definitely be leaving to work somewhere else.
Satu Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 It still surprises me how often people get involved in things that can only end badly. The word 'prudence' doesn't get used very much these days, but it's an important word.
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I have told her what I want but she still loves him. When she first felt she loved me she was confused. . If you told her how you felt & she didn't leave her FI, that means she picked him over you. Get that through your head & your heart. Now walk away. Sticking around only makes things worse, especially for you longing for what you will never have. By the way, also consider the old adage: If she cheats with you, she will cheat on you. 1
Satu Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I understand all that. I have told her what I want but she still loves him. When she first felt she loved me she was confused. She didn't know if it was possible to love two people at the same time. She has only been with one man and that is her fiance. The only man she had done anything with until she met me. I see why you shouldn't date from work. If she does decide to get married though, she will definitely be leaving to work somewhere else. In the case of genuine, committed love, it's only possible to love one person at a time, but when it comes to nonsensical, immature dalliances, there's no limit. As the 'other man' I would say the onus is on you to do the right thing. Have you got what it takes to do that?
CarrieT Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 You're right that no one expects it. She does take responsibility because she knows I was interested before. She doesn't "take responsibility" if she is continuing to lie to her fiancé. She doesn't "take responsibility" if she knowingly got involved with you while still engaged to someone else. Those are not the actions of a RESPONSIBLE person, don't you see that? 1
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