How to not get friendzoned

February 9, 2015

I'm sorry you feel that way Phoe, and I don't want to see you go. But I don't think the forum is awful and I don't think anyone was trying to say you should have stayed with your ex, but rather that since you had a bf, some person was interested, even if he ended up not being good for you. A man loving you or being interested in you doesn't mean he is right for you. He might have really loved you, but your relationship had a lot of problems, and no one forced you to break it off, you stayed with him for a long time even though you had a lot of complaints and even though people spent 10 months as you said telling you to break it off, no one would have spent 10 months telling you that unless you had made threads posting your own concerns....which you did, several times. You turned down his proposal and came to LS after, it wasn't because of LS advice why you broke it off with him, but him not meeting your requirements you had set for him, if I remember correctly, so I don't think it is fair to put this on posters who are only trying to help.

I find it very unfair and upsetting to be honest, when people bring their problems to LS, especially if it is multiple threads on the same relationship and then act like LS people are the ones who are making it out to be a bad relationship when it's the poster themselves who is having a lot of issues, obviously for a reason, or else they'd not need to make multiple threads on their glorious relationship. I get that people will get defensive even when it isn't right, so I'm going to allow you that human emotion and assume that maybe you're having a hard time right now and are lashing out because of it.

All advice isn't useful but I have read many of your threads and most people it seems truly care and take the time to give you advice based on what you're saying and don't just try to pick on you or beat up on you at random. I don't think anything anyone said here was malicious or hateful.

I think I'm fairly intelligent and when I read your initial post it also read to me as though you were saying no guy has ever been interested. I then saw that others were confused about it too. You clarified here, but as posts go, sometimes it does require clarification if what we said/how we said it wasn't clear. I don't think anyone was trying to deliberately misunderstand. I do hope you won't leave, but if you do, good luck with your future endeavors.

Missbee your posts are appreciated, and your advice is always well thought out. I cannot always use what you suggest, not everyone can follow every piece of advice, but I always read what you say and ponder it. I find what you say useful.

But I am tired of the vitriol. I am tired of the pointless nitpicking. I'm tired of words being put in my mouth, I'm tired of people jabbing at me when I'm down.

The things I post here, are things I have never told a soul. They are my secrets, and I feel foolish to have been trusting enough to post things here, because many posters behave rather carelessly.

And I'm especially tired of the issues that go on behind the scenes. The posters that create problems for me outside of threads. The disrespectful things that have come via PM, or via comments in a photo album.

Whatever it is that is preventing me from dating, will have to be figured out on my own. I don't think there's anything more for me to find here.

February 9, 2015

Missbee your posts are appreciated, and your advice is always well thought out. I cannot always use what you suggest, not everyone can follow every piece of advice, but I always read what you say and ponder it. I find what you say useful.

But I am tired of the vitriol. I am tired of the pointless nitpicking. I'm tired of words being put in my mouth, I'm tired of people jabbing at me when I'm down.

The things I post here, are things I have never told a soul. They are my secrets, and I feel foolish to have been trusting enough to post things here, because many posters behave rather carelessly.

And I'm especially tired of the issues that go on behind the scenes. The posters that create problems for me outside of threads. The disrespectful things that have come via PM, or via comments in a photo album.

Whatever it is that is preventing me from dating, will have to be figured out on my own. I don't think there's anything more for me to find here.

I'm so sorry to hear about all that. I of course would have no idea about any of the behind the scenes stuff and wouldn't even have imagined it. So sorry to hear.

At the end of the day LS advice are only suggestions, even though sometimes when we post and follow someone's story over the course of months and provide them with advice we can get invested in them following it or not, I too am guilty of that, but I can step back and realize that it's their life and they do what they want, even if it frustrates you to see them doing the same thing but still asking for new advice when it has been given in many threads.

But I support you doing what you feel is best for you and if LS is more damaging to you than useful then of course you have to prioritize your own needs and feelings. Maybe a break is in order and maybe at some other point it will be useful again? Whatever you decide, I do quite like you as a poster and I do wish you the best of everything going forward!

February 9, 2015

Phoe, you were not misinterpreted. You did not express yourself clearly.

Your OP is basically you saying you are not getting dates and talking about a 6 years run of dateless-ness. I actually did not think of it when I first read the thread.

Which also reminded me 'oh yeah didn't she say that a few months back with the few bettering herself'?

Of course you can change your mind, but that was also not specified in your OP.

So I guess it's normal for some of us to wonder what the hell you are talking about when you had this apparently great guy that proposed a few months ago.

Now, since we're on the subject of bettering ourselves. If this is your reaction every time someone questions what you say or asks for clarifications, it's no wonder you are having trouble dating.

(no offence...)

February 9, 2015

Phoe, you were not misinterpreted. You did not express yourself clearly.

Your OP is basically you saying you are not getting dates and talking about a 6 years run of dateless-ness. I actually did not think of it when I first read the thread.
Which also reminded me 'oh yeah didn't she say that a few months back with the few bettering herself'?
Of course you can change your mind, but that was also not specified in your OP.

So I guess it's normal for some of us to wonder what the hell you are talking about when you had this apparently great guy that proposed a few months ago.

Now, since we're on the subject of bettering ourselves. If this is your reaction every time someone questions what you say or asks for clarifications, it's no wonder you are having trouble dating.
(no offence...)

you know i found this thread very interesting so I read most it. the reason phoe is reacting this way is because everybody who posted slammed her. just look back it looks like 2 dozen birds landed and just pecked away at her while she tried to defend herself.

February 9, 2015

Phoe, you were not misinterpreted. You did not express yourself clearly.

Your OP is basically you saying you are not getting dates and talking about a 6 years run of dateless-ness. I actually did not think of it when I first read the thread.
Which also reminded me 'oh yeah didn't she say that a few months back with the few bettering herself'?
Of course you can change your mind, but that was also not specified in your OP.

So I guess it's normal for some of us to wonder what the hell you are talking about when you had this apparently great guy that proposed a few months ago.

Now, since we're on the subject of bettering ourselves. If this is your reaction every time someone questions what you say or asks for clarifications, it's no wonder you are having trouble dating.
(no offence...)

I posted a bit earlier up trying to clarify, but I'll post again in case it was missed.

The 6 years is in reference to my 4 years in college and the 2 years after. I was single the whole time and wanted a relationship the entire 6 years. I did go on 3 dates but all of them decided they weren't interested in me. This was 2007-2013.

Because I post about that 6 years regularly, I automatically failed to realize that my reference might be lost. I figure most posters are tired of hearing me blather on about the same things over and over. I did not intentionally leave out information.

Yes, I dated 2 men in '13 and '14. One was not interested and took off quick. The other, yes, he was interested in me.

But to take the ONE instance where a man stuck around and did genuinely want to be with me, and use it to negate the entire scope of my experiences over the last 10 years, just rubs me the wrong way.

For 10 years I've struggled to get dates. I've struggled to find interested men. Yes, it happened once, but that doesn't mean everything else I've ever experienced is now invalid.

It just seemed like all of a sudden everyone jumped on that bandwagon.

There's just far too much negativity. None of that does me any good, so I'm walking away from it.

February 9, 2015

you know i found this thread very interesting so I read most it. the reason phoe is reacting this way is because everybody who posted slammed her. just look back it looks like 2 dozen birds landed and just pecked away at her while she tried to defend herself.

I know for me that if I want something to change for me i have to take honest hard looks at myself, I don't mean beating myself up, but looking at me and my behavior in ways others see it which is usually a lot different from my own perspective. It seems like that is what's happening here, and the OP doesn't like it and feels attacked. Phoe I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings. But I have the feeling that there are some things around yourself and your experiences that you are not being totally honest with yourself about. I bet it wouldn't take much for you to turn these things around for yourself!! Edited February 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 9, 2015

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you've posted that you've had around 6 boyfriends in your life.

The most recent one you were with for 10 months(which you ended) and he proposed to you twice.

That doesn't sound like a struggle of 10 years and you've only had one man interested in you.

February 9, 2015

I know this is OT but from reading your threads I get a pretty strong idea that there are several guys right here on this site that are interested in you!!

February 9, 2015

Your relationship history sounds like you've dated anyone decent who's shown interest, and that's only a few men.

So, yes, I do understand how you could be frustrated when men who could be better partners aren't interested in dating you.

Are you friends with any couples?

February 9, 2015

I've had 4 boyfriends.

The first 3 all left quickly.

The first 2 both had mediocre interest. I was the "settle" girl. Once the girl they actually wanted became available they both cheated and dropped me like a rock, never to look back again.

The first one later admitted (after I found out via nasty rumors) he only stuck around for the blowjobs. He was never interested. He just wanted to use me.

The 3rd one took off after a few weeks. Meh. Not a big deal.

Only the 4th one genuinely wanted to be with me. I regret leaving. Live and learn.

February 9, 2015

Live and learn.

indeed phoe, indeed

February 9, 2015

There is no such thing as a friendzone. It's a made up term. I have seen men and woman who were good friends eventually start dating on more than one occasion. If you think you are in the friendzone, it means the girl is not attracted to you, doesn't matter if you are friends or not.

February 9, 2015

There is no such thing as a friendzone. It's a made up term. I have seen men and woman who were good friends eventually start dating on more than one occasion. If you think you are in the friendzone, it means the girl is not attracted to you, doesn't matter if you are friends or not.

FWIW, I'm a girl.

February 9, 2015

I've had 4 boyfriends.

The first 3 all left quickly.

The first 2 both had mediocre interest. I was the "settle" girl. Once the girl they actually wanted became available they both cheated and dropped me like a rock, never to look back again.

The first one later admitted (after I found out via nasty rumors) he only stuck around for the blowjobs. He was never interested. He just wanted to use me.

The 3rd one took off after a few weeks. Meh. Not a big deal.

Only the 4th one genuinely wanted to be with me. I regret leaving. Live and learn.

Now you are being more open.

I have no interest in how long "quickly" is, but it doesn't even matter.

Leaving the forth one was the best decision you ever made. If you ever feel that you made the wrong decision just pick a random thread you made about him and read it.

Honestly, from reading your posts I get the impression that you have absolutely no idea how to judge if a man is good for you or not. I don't know what criteria you use to decide if a man is interested in you and what his intentions are, and even if you would be a match with him. Perhaps it would be a good idea to reevaluate what you're looking for, what your dealbreakers are and are not.

February 9, 2015

I know for me that if I want something to change for me i have to take honest hard looks at myself, I don't mean beating myself up, but looking at me and my behavior in ways others see it which is usually a lot different from my own perspective. It seems like that is what's happening here, and the OP doesn't like it and feels attacked. Phoe I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings. But I have the feeling that there are some things around yourself and your experiences that you are not being totally honest with yourself about. I bet it wouldn't take much for you to turn these things around for yourself!!

I think this is very good advice. I think that it takes a lot of strength to look deep within yourself and admit those faults you have. You don't have to be brilliant at calculus, you don't have to wear skirts or heels if you don't want to. But logically, someone who is kind, pretty, funny and open shouldn't have problems getting dates.

This is why people are telling you about your self-esteem. We're not doing it because we came on purpose to your thread to be mean. I followed all your past threads and the number of times you were walked all over and disrespected was overwhelming. You need to look at why you tolerate that kind of treatment. Why you tolerate people telling you your lunch stinks like dog **** and other cruelties you've posted about. It can be hard to do some self-analysis and look at why you attract the types you do, or why you don't attract guys. But until you do that it will be hard to get into relationships, or even relationships with healthy men. Improving your standards is also important. It is ok to have preferences. We all have preferences, its expected! People who post these things (well not so much myself but other posters) have had a lot of relationship experience and they have a good idea of what they're talking about. It may be hard to admit some things people are posting about but maybe that could help you so much more in the long run than if you ignore this advice and take in only superficial stuff like makeup and clothes.

February 9, 2015

I've never understood the standards thing, and still no one has been able to explain it logically.

I've been asked out by 9 men.

If I had standards that were "acceptable" to most here, maybe 1 would've met those standards.

How does that benefit me? I would've dated one man.

I fail to see how raising my standards would've got me MORE men. How would it be that by turning down all those 9 men, more would've stepped up that never did the first time around?

That makes 0 sense.

February 9, 2015

I've had 4 boyfriends.

The first 3 all left quickly.

The first 2 both had mediocre interest. I was the "settle" girl. Once the girl they actually wanted became available they both cheated and dropped me like a rock, never to look back again.

The first one later admitted (after I found out via nasty rumors) he only stuck around for the blowjobs. He was never interested. He just wanted to use me.

The 3rd one took off after a few weeks. Meh. Not a big deal.

Only the 4th one genuinely wanted to be with me. I regret leaving. Live and learn.

The guy I dated, "hooker guy", left me for his perfect ten.

I have dated many guys since then that felt lucky to have me for the time.

You WILL find another guy Phoe, who counts himself lucky to have you.

Some people are just cheeky by nature and don't get friend zoned as much. I ooze sex and I am super cheeky, you are obviously just not overtly flirty or cheeky by nature.

I would say when you DO flirt, it isn't you being "you" and therefore it comes off as.. well, not the way you wish it to....

It will happen for you please don't leave this forum you sound like such a nice girl.

February 9, 2015

And if it happened to be that I simply wasted time with those men, that the minimal amount of time spent with those men, could've been a time when I was single and a man walked into my life, but couldn't act on it because I was taken, then it's not a matter of standards, it a matter of absolutely horrific timing.

Because if good men only ever walked into my life during that minimal amount of time that I was taken, and NEVER while I was single... well then that's just some crappy crap!

February 9, 2015

The guy I dated, "hooker guy", left me for his perfect ten.

I have dated many guys since then that felt lucky to have me for the time.

You WILL find another guy Phoe, who counts himself lucky to have you.

Some people are just cheeky by nature and don't get friend zoned as much. I ooze sex and I am super cheeky, you are obviously just not overtly flirty or cheeky by nature.

Oh brother

February 9, 2015

Honestly, from reading your posts I get the impression that you have absolutely no idea how to judge if a man is good for you or not. I don't know what criteria you use to decide if a man is interested in you and what his intentions are, and even if you would be a match with him. Perhaps it would be a good idea to reevaluate what you're looking for, what your dealbreakers are and are not.

I agree, and this is part of why I ask if you are friends with any couples--couples who are in the kind of relationship you'd like to have.

What are the qualities of those men?

What are their female partners like?

What are the core common qualities you see?

I'm not talking about the guys who always go for the "wrong" women (another thread). I'm talking about grounded, successful couples.

February 9, 2015

I agree, and this is part of why I ask if you are friends with any couples--couples who are in the kind of relationship you'd like to have.

What are the qualities of those men?

What are their female partners like?

What are the core common qualities you see?

I'm not talking about the guys who always go for the "wrong" women (another thread). I'm talking about grounded, successful couples.

Yes, I know a good amount of couples.

The men and women are all very different. No one defining factor...

Except for maturity and respect. I notice that they always behave maturely and respectfully with each other, no matter what, and I find it quite inspiring. It's what I hope for in the future.

February 9, 2015

I've never understood the standards thing, and still no one has been able to explain it logically.

I've been asked out by 9 men.

If I had standards that were "acceptable" to most here, maybe 1 would've met those standards.

How does that benefit me? I would've dated one man.

I fail to see how raising my standards would've got me MORE men. How would it be that by turning down all those 9 men, more would've stepped up that never did the first time around?

That makes 0 sense.

You don't have to be wildly popular to have standards. Having standards earns you more respect. You need to know what you're looking for. Otherwise you'll end up with any ole random Joe who may or may not be capable of making you happy.

I don't really know how to explain this because standards are very personal. Mine for example are:

-must have a job or be in school

-must have similar interests, or have interests I'd like to try out, so we have things to talk about

-must be ambitious, driven, eager to try new things

-must love to travel

-must love animals

-must be kind, supportive, friendly, healthy, attentive, loving, clean, intelligent

-I must be attracted to him physically

I think that's it. Oh, well chemistry is important too. Does that sound like a lot? Probably not. A lot of those things are givens. You don't have to have a crazy list. It can be a little list. But dating guys with no jobs, or guys with jobs who cannot manage their own money, or guys who don't respect you are bad options. Its better to be single than to be in a relationship with a guy who takes your money and doesn't pay you back, who insults you, disregards your needs and opinions, etc. Were those 9 men good? Did they treat you kind? Were they loving, caring, considerate, attentive?

By having no standards, or almost none, you give off the air of desperation whether you intentionally mean it or not. This attracts unhealthy, sick men who use and abuse you and treat you like an object, and repels healthy men that you're hoping to date. There are plenty of men who would want to date smart, pretty, nice women, but if you have an air of desperation or you come off as someone who will be happy with any guy, that actually can repel good men and hurt your chances. These things aren't even things you need to be openly discussing with people- this is something people themselves pick up on. I'm sure that even in your tiny town there are healthy-minded single men. You need to figure out how to project a healthier image of yourself and therefore attract them instead.

February 9, 2015

I've never understood the standards thing, and still no one has been able to explain it logically.

I've been asked out by 9 men.

If I had standards that were "acceptable" to most here, maybe 1 would've met those standards.

How does that benefit me? I would've dated one man.

I fail to see how raising my standards would've got me MORE men. How would it be that by turning down all those 9 men, more would've stepped up that never did the first time around?

That makes 0 sense.

It's not about raising your standards, it's about reevaluating what is important to you.

As you said before, the guys you've been in relationships in the past weren't really interested in you. And for some reason you weren't able to see that.

Also, you may have set up some things that are deal breakers to you when they really shouldn't be important.

Do you have a good idea about what kind of man you are looking for?

February 9, 2015

CC, since breaking up with my ex, my standards have changed to include either having a job or being stable enough to pay their own bills.

I won't pay a man's bills again.

Let's say I had the same standards you have. I don't see how this simple fact would've gotten me more men asking me out, or an acceptance from my own approaches.

Had I from the get go refused to date men without a job, 8 out of the 9 who've asked me out would've gotten rejected. But I don't see how that would've gotten more men interested in me.

February 9, 2015

Yes, I know a good amount of couples.

The men and women are all very different. No one defining factor...

Except for maturity and respect. I notice that they always behave maturely and respectfully with each other, no matter what, and I find it quite inspiring. It's what I hope for in the future.

Maturity and respect are very much in line with what I was expecting.

You challenge is to:

1. meet

2. identify

3. attract

mature and respectful men. Are you having trouble with step 1, 2, or 3?

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