How to not get friendzoned

[Phoe]

Also, Phoe, can I ask why you worry about these things so much and feel the need to microanalyze them? You make it sound as if you're a 40 year old woman, not a 25 year old one. You're still young, dating success will come. I don't think you need to have such extreme anxiety over it.

 

I analyze because I am so bad at this and I want to fix it.

 

There is something very wrong. This is not normal. Spending 6 years single, NOT BY CHOICE, isn't normal.

 

I don't expect or want every guy to be attracted or interested.

 

ONE would be nice. Just one.

 

I want to have options of some kind. I have NO options, never have. This just doesn't feel normal at all... especially because people here say over and over that any average girl will have options, and any girl who can't get a date has something very wrong with them.

 

I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. So I analyze every angle and try a variety of different approaches to see if anything helps.

 

I'm young sure, but should I just sit back and watch my young years go by completely unsuccesful just because someone says I have time and years later for success? That's no guarantee.

 

I want to take action NOW. I don't want to wait around.

[clia]

I can't relate that much, really...

 

The only people I don't want to date are people who have something that is really off-putting to me. Something that sends up a serious red flag.

 

But guys that I know who are nice, fun, decent guys, the ones without glaring red flags - I'd happily date any of them.

 

Well, maybe your standards aren't high enough so you are coming across as somewhat desperate in an "I'll basically date anyone" kind of way. I think most men (and women, for that matter) want to feel like they are "chosen," not just that they happened to be fun and decent enough to date. I honestly have never met anyone who would happily date anyone they met who was fun and decent. Most people have other preferences -- looks, type, etc. -- I think I saw in another thread that you basically only expect a guy to have good hygiene? That kind of thing should be a given. It's possible that you are somehow exuding a desperate vibe at this point that guys are picking up on and getting turned off by. I would actually suggest that you meet in person with a dating coach or similar type person, though, so they can tell advise if there is anything that is off putting about your personality or the way you carry yourself that you can correct.

[Leigh 87]

I think it is just the way you are.

 

You emit a "friend" vibe.

 

Every guy I have ever met and who has ended up as a friend, has either wanted to date me, or sleep with me.

 

I have never met a guy who ONLY wanted to be friends.

 

I have an inherently cheeky personality though.

 

And no, I didn't flirt with them or act easy or anything gross.

[Phoe]

Well, maybe your standards aren't high enough so you are coming across as somewhat desperate in an "I'll basically date anyone" kind of way. I think most men (and women, for that matter) want to feel like they are "chosen," not just that they happened to be fun and decent enough to date. I honestly have never met anyone who would happily date anyone they met who was fun and decent. Most people have other preferences -- looks, type, etc. -- I think I saw in another thread that you basically only expect a guy to have good hygiene? That kind of thing should be a given. It's possible that you are somehow exuding a desperate vibe at this point that guys are picking up on and getting turned off by. I would actually suggest that you meet in person with a dating coach or similar type person, though, so they can tell advise if there is anything that is off putting about your personality or the way you carry yourself that you can correct.

 

I don't talk about my preferences to anyone, ever. In fact, I don't talk about my love life or dating life ever, so I definitely would be surprised if people had even the slightest clue that I would happily date most men, but it's not impossible. I must say that I definitely don't know how I come off to others. For all I know, people think I'm a psycho, lol.

 

I've considered a dating coach. I haven't looked to see if there are any in my area (I live in a secluded rural area). I wouldn't be surprised if there were none, and I wouldn't be surprised if getting one at all were way outside of my budget.

 

But it's definitely on my list of future options.

[CrystalCastles]

I analyze because I am so bad at this and I want to fix it.

 

There is something very wrong. This is not normal. Spending 6 years single, NOT BY CHOICE, isn't normal.

 

I don't expect or want every guy to be attracted or interested.

 

ONE would be nice. Just one.

 

I want to have options of some kind. I have NO options, never have. This just doesn't feel normal at all... especially because people here say over and over that any average girl will have options, and any girl who can't get a date has something very wrong with them.

 

I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. So I analyze every angle and try a variety of different approaches to see if anything helps.

 

I'm young sure, but should I just sit back and watch my young years go by completely unsuccesful just because someone says I have time and years later for success? That's no guarantee.

 

I want to take action NOW. I don't want to wait around.

 

There's nothing wrong with being 6 years single. I started seeing my current partner last year- at 21. Before that I had nobody. I have friends who have never been in relationships yet. There are people on this site who have had a lot of dry spells too. There's nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't be comparing yourself to others or think that there's something wrong with you because some nameless, faceless person on LoveShack told you that. Everyone is different, everyone goes through different dating scenarios, its hard to make any comparisons.

 

Clia has a very good point. You need to improve your standards. On LoveShack at least, you come off as someone who is desperate. I know you don't care about standards but you need to make yourself care. You're having trouble because you come off as trying way too hard. Sometimes the things you write make me cringe. Where is your self-worth? What are you doing to improve your self-esteem? Even on here, some nobody can come along and write in your threads, "Phoe, you need to do _________.". And then you go and do it, whether it suits you or not! Why?

 

I think you need to improve your perception of yourself first, before you can expect a successful dating life. You need to value and love yourself, because you come across as someone who doubts themselves and their value. Nobody wants to date a person like that. By having standards, you are telling guys, "I'm worth dating". The guy who scores dates with you will feel like he accomplished something because you chose him from all the other guys. He'll feel special because he had the qualities you were looking for that other guys didn't.

[clia]

I don't talk about my preferences to anyone, ever. In fact, I don't talk about my love life or dating life ever, so I definitely would be surprised if people had even the slightest clue that I would happily date most men, but it's not impossible. I must say that I definitely don't know how I come off to others. For all I know, people think I'm a psycho, lol.

 

I've considered a dating coach. I haven't looked to see if there are any in my area (I live in a secluded rural area). I wouldn't be surprised if there were none, and I wouldn't be surprised if getting one at all were way outside of my budget.

 

But it's definitely on my list of future options.

 

Have you asked your friends for their honest opinion? Would they give it to you? What do they think about your situation? What did your sorority sisters think back in college?

 

I just feel like...there's got to be something going on given how you've described the bullying you've received and how men treat you. It may be something you don't even realize is going on about how you carry yourself, how you treat others, your personality, etc. (I'm just throwing things out there.) Have you tried speed dating, going to Meetups, etc.? How are you typically trying to meet men? Have you tried OLD again?

[CrystalCastles]

Have you asked your friends for their honest opinion? Would they give it to you? What do they think about your situation? What did your sorority sisters think back in college?

 

I just feel like...there's got to be something going on given how you've described the bullying you've received and how men treat you. It may be something you don't even realize is going on about how you carry yourself, how you treat others, your personality, etc. (I'm just throwing things out there.) Have you tried speed dating, going to Meetups, etc.? How are you typically trying to meet men? Have you tried OLD again?

 

I think this is a good point. I have a feeling its because of Phoe's lack of self-esteem. People who value themselves don't accept that kind of terrible treatment. People who value themselves defend themselves.

[Phoe]

I don't have low self-esteem, except when it comes to my ability to get dates.

 

In other aspects of life, I think I'm pretty darn good.

 

I've got great work ethic, I'm a talented person, I'm smart, kind, capable, independent. I have hobbies that I enjoy and friends that I like spending time with.

 

Do I think I'm worth dating? Absolutely.

 

The issue is that no one else thinks this. No men I meet IRL would agree with me. So, I've gotta fix that up.

 

If I am literally the ONLY person who thinks I am worth dating, something is up, and something in my mindset needs to change.

 

CC, you said that a man should feel like he lucked out because he got me out of all the other men. That can't happen when there ARE NO MEN. If there is a man interested, he's the only one. There are no other men interested in me. So it's not like he won out over all the others, he was the only one trying.

 

I have to get more men interested in me for that to work. I need to actually have options.

 

And like I said before, I NEVER discuss my preferences IRL. I never discuss my dating life IRL. Not a single person who knows me could tell you what I am looking for. In fact, my own mother thinks that my dating failure is due to me being too picky, and thinks I am turning men down right and left waiting for something unattainable. I don't have the heart to tell her that men just plain aren't interested in me.

 

I will never know how any man could figure out what my preferences are. I will never know how any man could figure out that I'd happily date him, and happily date any other decent guy. How would a guy EVER know that? I never say a word...

 

The impression I get from most, is that they think I'm a lot pickier than I really am.

 

I could change my standards if I had the options to do so. If I had several men interested in me, sure, I could raise standards a bit and choose the best one for me.

 

But when I have about 1 option every 2 years, how will it do me any good to start being more picky? I will just end up automatically eliminating every rare man who comes along once in a blue moon. There's no point in that.

 

I just want a nice, decent, stable, clean and healthy guy. There is NO reason why I should ask for more just for dating. All I want to do is get first dates with those men, and go from there.

[Phoe]

I think this is a good point. I have a feeling its because of Phoe's lack of self-esteem. People who value themselves don't accept that kind of terrible treatment. People who value themselves defend themselves.

 

I was bullied as a CHILD.

 

There's a big difference between a child accepting bullying because they don't know any better, and an adult who lets others steamroll over them.

 

Because I am not like that. I don't accept terrible treatment.

 

An ex hit me. He never saw me again. My grandfather tried to hit me, I ended all communication with him. Coworkers try to get snarky? I walk away. They aren't gonna get a rise out of me and it gains me respect.

 

When people treat me terribly I walk away and never look back.

 

Quite frankly, I'm tired of being told over and over on this forum that I have low self-esteem, because I really don't. Time after time I have to stand up for myself and say NO... and it just astounds me because never in my entire life had anyone ever said something like that to me, until I came to this forum. Not a single person who knows me IRL would say I have low self-esteem. Because it's an absolutely ridiculous notion.

[CrystalCastles]

I was bullied as a CHILD.

 

There's a big difference between a child accepting bullying because they don't know any better, and an adult who lets others steamroll over them.

 

Because I am not like that. I don't accept terrible treatment.

 

An ex hit me. He never saw me again. My grandfather tried to hit me, I ended all communication with him. Coworkers try to get snarky? I walk away. They aren't gonna get a rise out of me and it gains me respect.

 

When people treat me terribly I walk away and never look back.

 

Quite frankly, I'm tired of being told over and over on this forum that I have low self-esteem, because I really don't. Time after time I have to stand up for myself and say NO... and it just astounds me because never in my entire life had anyone ever said something like that to me, until I came to this forum. Not a single person who knows me IRL would say I have low self-esteem. Because it's an absolutely ridiculous notion.

 

Don't you dare spin this around on me. I have been bullied throughout elementary school and high school. I had no friends in elementary. I had people throw berries at me, ruin my clothes, name-call me, alienate me. I had horrible, nasty anonymous messages sent to me ridiculing my body, my flat chest, my looks. I had people who called themselves my friends run away from me when they saw me coming. I know exactly how bullying feels like as a child and that was completely not what I was referring to. I am trying to help you and instead, you jump down my throat.

 

You don't call what your latest boyfriend did to you, bullying (or steamrolling, as you put it)? You don't call the physical violence you've posted about from exes bullying? You have been bullied not only as a child but also as an adult. You keep saying that you have self-esteem, that you stand up for yourself, yet if you go back and read your past threads, does that look like standing up to you? This is why people keep repeating the same things. Because you get defensive and you don't listen. People are trying to help you learn from your mistakes.

[Els]

Phoe, I think many of your previous threads have turned up the suggestion that perhaps where you live is limiting you. Finding someone who is genuinely compatible with you for a LTR is difficult for most people. If you live in a small town then obviously that is going to get exponentially more difficult. Also your self-esteem is not helping matters.

 

How are things going with your plans to travel/move?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I can't relate that much, really...

 

The only people I don't want to date are people who have something that is really off-putting to me. Something that sends up a serious red flag.

 

But guys that I know who are nice, fun, decent guys, the ones without glaring red flags - I'd happily date any of them.

 

This, to me, is its own serious red flag and may be connected to your problem. You should not be romantically attached to every man who isn't a walking trainwreck. People develop preferences because they have a healthy sense of self and they know what traits they value. If you don't have any of those preferences at all, you may need to do some real work on your self-esteem. Men can probably tell that you feel this way and it suggests desperation on your part.

 

I have always criticized "the friendzone" because I think it's an immature, unfair concept that blames women for not viewing ALL men as potential romantic partners, their own preferences be damned. Women have no right to demand the same of men, either.

Edited February 9, 2015 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[Sunlight72]

In reply to the OP's original statement & question,

yes there sure is a friendzone. Yes, your own actions can put you there.

 

I'm a guy, and was too subtle and wishy-washy in my actions (trying to be what I thought was polite) until I was in my thirties.

 

When I started flirting assertively (for me, which is just casual and fun by almost everyone else's standards), some women started smiling when they saw me coming (which hadn't happened before) and the ones I asked out no longer had sad, disappointed faces like they used to.

 

Flirting is an art. Touch - stand close - bump into them. Laugh, smile, make innuendos after you've met someone a few times - open ended ones that make the person think, ha ha, that was silly, er - hey wait, did they mean....? It gets them thinking about you and it's fun. If they aren't into you, you'll get a clear cold response pretty soon and then you know to drop it - but get this (it took me a while to figure out) -

 

the first time you flirt often is just a signal that you're open to romantic joking and being silly (which requires trust). They might have been waiting to see if you two would go this direction, and not have a response ready. You can't always tell right away. The second time you flirt is their first real chance to join in. But, some people are a little cautious because they'd feel uncomfortable if they are reading poorly chosen wording in an innocent conversation as flirting, so....

 

I found that just keeping the flirts dropping into the conversation over time will let the person feel more safe and relaxed, and 'in' on the trust and 'in' on the joke.

 

Then, when they do start to play along, good-naturedly scold them for being so slow to jump in, literally say something like, "geez, it's about time! I wondered if you'd ever catch up!" while laughing with them. It's fun, because now you've let them know their part in the game is to flirt back, and flirt on you first - and if they're feeling it, they will start enjoying it and finding ways to 'get' you back.

 

That's a lot of words, because before I got the groove of it, I ALWAYS ended up in the friendzone by being too 'respectful' of people's "space", too polite, and too slow. If you are like I used to be, maybe those words will shed some light on things.

 

In shorter terms-

Flirt! Laugh Kid with someone, and above all, get very comfortable with touching them - bump gently into them, pretend to push them, pretend to trip them while just being silly - anything that will get you into their arms or them into your arms to hold each other up. This is how you let them know you are open to an intimate, trusting relationship.

 

Have fun!

Sunlight

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I analyze because I am so bad at this and I want to fix it.

 

There is something very wrong. This is not normal. Spending 6 years single, NOT BY CHOICE, isn't normal.

 

I don't expect or want every guy to be attracted or interested.

 

ONE would be nice. Just one.

 

 

Wait, weren't you just fairly recently in a situation with a guy who not only liked and was interested in you, but proposed? I mean, that's about as far from being friendzoned by every guy you know as you can get. And that wasn't your first relationship either.

Edited February 9, 2015 by Lernaean_Hydra

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, flirting doesn't mean you won't wind up in the friend zone. Recently I had a woman put me in the friendzone, even though we were both flirting back and forth.

 

She basically was starved for a social life (not a dating life), and was happy to find a guy (according to her) that was genuine, and didn't attempt to try to impress her with his status.

 

Even though I called her out on saying she was "attracted" to me, she faltered and qualified that statement with, "Well, I was attracted to how you are, on how a great person you are, and all the characteristics about you."

 

She didn't have much of life, only a VHS player at home, and no internet (which I found odd). She had activities she always wanted to try, but never got around to because she had no one to do them with. She was rather the reclusive type and I thought her to be incapable of being even relationship material...maybe even asexual in nature.

 

She told me she never really had an attraction to me from the beginning, even though she eagerly persued me.

 

Anyways, after having spent a little too much time on her the past 3 dates, she said, "You're okay with just being friends?" I said, "I have enough female friends, thank you." and left it at that. Lesson learned.

Edited February 9, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[LookAtThisPOst]

I understand you want to think there is a difference and you call it friend zone but actually there is no difference. You are being rejected plain and simple. How you deal with it is up to you but the "friend zone" itself does not exist.

 

I have never known any girl who was previously not a friend wanting to be a friend after you have hit on them. You are telling yourself they want to be a friend because you continue to be nice to them when actually they are just being polite and want you to leave them alone.

 

What kills me, women who do the friendzoning get upset when the guy doesn't want to be her platonic friend. I've heard women complain about this time and time again and found this to be limiting of their social circle.

 

Solution...get female friends to hang out with, not men. (or gay men).

[Maleficent]

Wait, weren't you just fairly recently in a situation with a guy who not only liked and was interested in you, but proposed? I mean, that's about as far from being friendzoned by every guy you know as you can get. And that wasn't your first relationship either.

 

Thought that rang a bell. I also seem to remember OP posting a long thread in the Personal Development section about not dating for at least one year.

 

Oh well, Phoe, good luck with everything...

[Erised]

Honestly I don't think that women get friendzoned at all.

 

Men are almost always willing to sleep with a girl unless she is completely physically unattractive or there is something very wrong with her personality.

 

Women are far more likely to fall in the friends with benefits zone where a guy just wants sex with her and nothing else.

 

Also I believe that most men are willing to turn a lady friend into a girlfriend which is something very few women are willing to do.

 

Yeah Phoe! Who cares about your personal experiences ... they're irrelevant, what with you being a woman and all.Don't eorry though, Somedude81 is here to clarify it for you and tell you what you've actually experienced.

[Rejected Rosebud]

This thread is me trying to prevent me from continuing to end up in the friendzone in the future.

it's pretty simple, just don't be friends, hang out with or talk to the guys who reject you. Edited February 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Phoe]

Right, well, I have nothing more to say. Mods can we close this up please?

[MissBee]

This, to me, is its own serious red flag and may be connected to your problem. You should not be romantically attached to every man who isn't a walking trainwreck. People develop preferences because they have a healthy sense of self and they know what traits they value. If you don't have any of those preferences at all, you may need to do some real work on your self-esteem. Men can probably tell that you feel this way and it suggests desperation on your part.

 

I have always criticized "the friendzone" because I think it's an immature, unfair concept that blames women for not viewing ALL men as potential romantic partners, their own preferences be damned. Women have no right to demand the same of men, either.

 

This!

 

I commented similarly in your "Improving Phoe" thread but I don't remember what you made of it. I've also given similar advice to a male poster who also has trouble dating. In both of your cases you both seem to think it is a wonderful thing that you don't have particular preferences but these very generic criteria (which should be givens) like nice, good hygiene, not crazy. You can disagree of course, but believe me, as you've experienced, having low standards does not make it so that you date more, as you have seen. You don't get more dates because you have the bare minimum of standards and when you do get dates they are often people who end up treating you poorly.

 

You say you don't have low self esteem, but I find that low self-worth is something that many of us struggle with, and it isn't always an obvious thing. Many gorgeous, successful women have low self worth, in fact, in the modeling industry, where most people imagine models are these gorgeous confident creatures who have men falling over them, so should have no reason to have low self esteem, has some of the highest self-worth and self-esteem issues of any industry. How it shows is often exactly in who we date, how we end up being treated and allow them to treat us, and the standards we do or don't have.

 

I've said it in that Improving Phoe thread and others are saying it here too, but one sign of low self worth is the fact that you seem to feel good about having low standards in terms of who you date. You've said you have never dated a man who was educated and have dated men who were homeless and have no jobs and I'm sorry Phoe, but that isn't really a normal thing. Women who know their worth aren't proudly doing this. It also seems like you pride yourself on this and think it makes you have good character to be willing to "not care" if a man has a job or a home, but it really doesn't. That's actually part of low self worth, women (and men) who suffer from this, often exhibit it by being martyrs, overly nice, overly giving, overly forgiving, love to excuse behaviors and think it makes them a good person, they have a hard time trying not to be "nice" and that's how they feel validated. It's not really a good thing though and to be successful in dating as well as to get what you want and need requires standards. I remember you said you had a hard time figuring out some criteria and standards in a partner and that in itself is a problem, every woman should be able to highlight her preferences and desires and articulate who would and would not be a good fit...not just "Any bloke who showers and is nice."

 

Our internal attitudes translate, whether we know it or not, and whether we are conscious of them or not. You and the other poster have expressed the idea that because you don't explicitly say what your standards are to people or your goals that folks have NO IDEA...but it isn't true. We learn so much about people by the things they don't say and how they behave and it's a mistake to believe unless we announce certain things no one picks up. We are constantly reading people and picking up energies and vibes, that we as the ones picking it up aren't even aware of all the time. Most of us have experienced not having a good feeling about someone even though they didn't say anything specific or really do anything, but something felt "off" and then found out why later.

 

Take it or leave it but I do think it's worth thinking about why you find it hard to articulate particular standards, writing down all your past relationships and what was right as well as wrong, projecting into the future about what you want from a partner etc. Those activities allow you to learn a lot about yourself. If you are very self aware and have high self worth this task will be easily as folks who know their worth and who they are and where they are going are very attractive and also tend to get what they want because they are CLEAR about it. On the other hand, having a wide open "anyone will do who bathes and is nice" does the complete opposite. If you find yourself having a hard time projecting into the future your wants and needs or thinking of an "ideal partner" (I'd suggested this before, not sure if you did it, I think you came up with some objections) and writing down where things went wrong in the past and what pattern you see in your dating, then that is giving you an idea that where you need to start is how you see yourself, your value and how you can make that translate in dating. Self-worth or lack thereof is not something that always comes with a neon sign, like I said, for most of us, we realize that in terms of love and if we feel worthy of it, it's our dating pattern that gives the biggest indicator because almost every person will SAY they have high self worth and deserve love....but their actual subconscious actions, choice of partners, etc. is the true picture of how they feel about themselves.

[MissBee]

Wait, weren't you just fairly recently in a situation with a guy who not only liked and was interested in you, but proposed? I mean, that's about as far from being friendzoned by every guy you know as you can get. And that wasn't your first relationship either.

 

I was a bit confused about this as well, because the original post made it seem like you have NEVER had a man show romantic interest, never had a romantic relationship ever and EVERY MAN you've met sees you as a friend, when I know you've just had a relationship (albeit a messy one) and he even proposed, and you've also talked before about having dated other men, so it's not like no man takes an interest in you, it's just that some don't, which is normal for everyone.

 

Yes, some people may have more people who seem to take an interest than others but generally most of us have experienced having liked someone who didn't like us back. Also, where do you meet these guys who "friend zone" you? I think context can be important as well. For example, some people choose not to date at their job or school and so if they're meeting someone in those contexts may opt to just be friends so as not to make things awkward should it not work out, whereas if you met in another context it might be different.

[Phoe]

Wait, weren't you just fairly recently in a situation with a guy who not only liked and was interested in you, but proposed? I mean, that's about as far from being friendzoned by every guy you know as you can get. And that wasn't your first relationship either.

 

I feel like I'm being extremely mistinterpreted.

 

the 6 year single is in reference to the 4 years in college and the 2 after.

 

And this thread was never meant to be about relationships. Yes I've had a few.

 

This thread isn't me saying "Every single man I've ever met in the history of the planet has friendzoned me." Clearly the handful that dated me did not friendzone me.

 

But when I struggle immensely to ever get dates, when I go YEARS without getting interest from anyone, but get told by men that they like me just as a friend, that prompts me to make threads like this.

 

And to the poster that said I mentioned not wanting to date for a year... well, I changed my mind. It's been 4-5 months, I don't want to HAVE to stick to a year just because that's what I said several months ago.

 

And yes, my ex proposed. Yes, he was very interested in me.

 

And you know what? The majority of the people on this forum spent those 10 months telling me to break up with him. Over and over I was told to break up with him.

 

And I actually regret it. The one guy who really loved me, I ended it. I should've just stayed, I shouldn't have listened to the people who told me to dump him, and then turn around and say "oh, but you DID have a guy interested in you! Why are you saying you don't have guys interested? You just got proposed to!"

 

I give up. I totally and completely give up. This forum is awful, it breaks me down so much... I'm done here. I'm done trying to stand up for myself. I'm leaving. No amount of good advice I might get is worth the amount of ridiculous crap that gets spewed at me along with it.

[alphamale]

I figure alot of folks (including myself) can benefit from some tips to help avoid the dreaded friendzone.

 

Like clockwork, I meet men, we get along great, and then they friendzone me. It's a pattern I struggle mightily to break free from.

 

I know alot of other people here struggle from it too.

 

As someone who doesn't have personal experience with friendzoning others, I have little to go off of, so I think it would be great to hear from both men and women about some key things that will cause them to instantly friendzone a person, and what can be done differently to avoid that kind of fate.

basically, the decision to friendzone or not happens in the few seconds of the 1st meeting. start out with romance, if she doesn't reciprocate then move on to the next girl

[MissBee]

I feel like I'm being extremely mistinterpreted.

 

the 6 year single is in reference to the 4 years in college and the 2 after.

 

And this thread was never meant to be about relationships. Yes I've had a few.

 

This thread isn't me saying "Every single man I've ever met in the history of the planet has friendzoned me." Clearly the handful that dated me did not friendzone me.

 

But when I struggle immensely to ever get dates, when I go YEARS without getting interest from anyone, but get told by men that they like me just as a friend, that prompts me to make threads like this.

 

And to the poster that said I mentioned not wanting to date for a year... well, I changed my mind. It's been 4-5 months, I don't want to HAVE to stick to a year just because that's what I said several months ago.

 

And yes, my ex proposed. Yes, he was very interested in me.

 

And you know what? The majority of the people on this forum spent those 10 months telling me to break up with him. Over and over I was told to break up with him.

 

And I actually regret it. The one guy who really loved me, I ended it. I should've just stayed, I shouldn't have listened to the people who told me to dump him, and then turn around and say "oh, but you DID have a guy interested in you! Why are you saying you don't have guys interested? You just got proposed to!"

 

I give up. I totally and completely give up. This forum is awful, it breaks me down so much... I'm done here. I'm done trying to stand up for myself. I'm leaving. No amount of good advice I might get is worth the amount of ridiculous crap that gets spewed at me along with it.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way Phoe, and I don't want to see you go. But I don't think the forum is awful and I don't think anyone was trying to say you should have stayed with your ex, but rather that since you had a bf, some person was interested, even if he ended up not being good for you. A man loving you or being interested in you doesn't mean he is right for you. He might have really loved you, but your relationship had a lot of problems, and no one forced you to break it off, you stayed with him for a long time even though you had a lot of complaints and even though people spent 10 months as you said telling you to break it off, no one would have spent 10 months telling you that unless you had made threads posting your own concerns....which you did, several times. You turned down his proposal and came to LS after, it wasn't because of LS advice why you broke it off with him, but him not meeting your requirements you had set for him, if I remember correctly, so I don't think it is fair to put this on posters who are only trying to help.

 

I find it very unfair and upsetting to be honest, when people bring their problems to LS, especially if it is multiple threads on the same relationship and then act like LS people are the ones who are making it out to be a bad relationship when it's the poster themselves who is having a lot of issues, obviously for a reason, or else they'd not need to make multiple threads on their glorious relationship. I get that people will get defensive even when it isn't right, so I'm going to allow you that human emotion and assume that maybe you're having a hard time right now and are lashing out because of it.

 

All advice isn't useful but I have read many of your threads and most people it seems truly care and take the time to give you advice based on what you're saying and don't just try to pick on you or beat up on you at random. I don't think anything anyone said here was malicious or hateful.

 

I think I'm fairly intelligent and when I read your initial post it also read to me as though you were saying no guy has ever been interested. I then saw that others were confused about it too. You clarified here, but as posts go, sometimes it does require clarification if what we said/how we said it wasn't clear. I don't think anyone was trying to deliberately misunderstand. I do hope you won't leave, but if you do, good luck with your future endeavors.