How to not get friendzoned

[Phoe]

I'm a guy and even I know it. But it works both ways because girls do it too. It's insecurity mixed with fear of rejection and its not a pretty sight.

 

If you're a genuine nice person you do feel sorry for that guy or girl pursuing you even though you said no, so you try to let them down gently and then are blamed for leading them along. It's comedy.

 

Like I said, I don't push anybody.

 

When a man tells me he's not interested, I'm gone. I don't hang around waiting and I don't try to change his mind.

 

Once a man tells me that I will never go down the route of being interested in him again. I take off.

[Phoe]

 

Use a lovely shampoo and make your hair shiny and bouncy.

Wear heels.

Wear form fitting but flattering clothes. Not tight or skimpy.

Show some cleavage but not too much.

Do everything to suit yourself and the people you love. Do not compromise.

Be grateful and feel purpose in your life.

Ignore mean people, they are mean for a reason. Don't be like them.

Find any and everything funny because a lot of times it is.really.funny.

When it isn't, hold a hand, be patient and give.

Smile, smile your butt off. You could frown, but why?

 

I do all of these things except wearing heels, because I have very bad ankles from injuries, and I keep the cleavage modest.

 

None of those things are enough... It takes so much more to gain interest from someone.

[Phoe]

2. The point of the original post isn't to try and win someone over who's FZed you, which I think we can all agree is mostly futile. It's just about being self-aware regarding things we do that make it more/less likely for others to see us romantically.

 

Yes!! This!!

[smackie9]

Luckily, I don't fear rejection.

 

I approach men, and when I'm interested in a man I tell him so or ask him out.

 

Unfortunately, I get the "I don't see you that way" line, and I wish I could figure out WHY they don't see me that way.

 

 

This is how you do it, you just have to ask them for their honest opinion. Make sure you tell them you will not hold anything against them for the constructive advice/criticism.

[Phoe]

 

"If someone says they’re in the friend zone, they’re usually implying that they feel entitled to another person’s affection as “payback” for the emotional investment and time spent being their “friend.” They might be thinking: I’ve been such a good friend to you, so you should be my girl/boyfriend! Or maybe: If I'm really nice to them, they'll eventually WANT to be my girl/boyfriend!

 

This is ridiculous.

 

Entitled? Payback?

 

No.

 

If someone is not interested in me, that's that. If we were friends we might continue to be friendly, casual, but my feelings won't be there any more, and I will put no thought or effort into anything more. It's not uncommon that if a friend I'm interested rejects me, the communication eventually tapers off.

 

I'm not going to try to "convince" a man that doesn't want me, that he might want me. I'm not going to try to change his mind. That's embarassing to myself. I don't want to be with a man who didn't want me in the first place but changed his mind after I worked at it.

 

No way. IMO that's pathetic.

[somedude81]

Like I said, I don't push anybody.

 

When a man tells me he's not interested, I'm gone. I don't hang around waiting and I don't try to change his mind.

 

Once a man tells me that I will never go down the route of being interested in him again. I take off.

 

You have the correct mindset and I don't think the friendzone would actually be a problem for you.

 

The only thing to watch out for would be developing feelings for guys who are already your friend.

 

I'm curious about why you made a thread about the friendzone.

[Phoe]

maybe you need perfume, show some skin or wear a short skirt, be glamourous, look on youtube about all this

 

i know some1 or other will object - but the lady must use the right bait

 

I wear perfume daily. I get told I smell good on an almost daily basis.

 

Short skirts are not my style. I don't want to "lure" a man in with skin and skimpy clothes. Glamorous is also not my style, it would be fake of me to try.

 

I dress nicely though. My clothes are form fitting, show off my shape, without lots of skin or cleavage. I prefer a slightly classier look.

[carhill]

As someone who doesn't have personal experience with friendzoning others, I have little to go off of, so I think it would be great to hear from both men and women about some key things that will cause them to instantly friendzone a person, and what can be done differently to avoid that kind of fate.

 

Sex and sexuality. When I think back of all the women I've interacted with that never were considered to be friends, ever, whether they turned out to be married or single, it was that constant tone of sex and sexuality which drove that dynamic. It's the same for my own interactions where I ended up in the 'friendzone' or 'brotherzone'. I simply wasn't sufficiently sexual nor expressed my sexuality/sexual desire in an obvious and unequivocal way.

 

It's not really rocket science. Is everyone going to like one back in a sexual way just because one puts themselves out there that way? Nope! That's life!

[Phoe]

This is how you do it, you just have to ask them for their honest opinion. Make sure you tell them you will not hold anything against them for the constructive advice/criticism.

 

I've gotten "I only date short girls" "I only date asians or latinas" "I only date blondes"

 

or as simple as "You're a cool girl and you're attractive, but I'm not attracted to you"

 

Some harsher rejections were that I looked like a man, one guy called me anorexic, others have called me chunky (I don't even know how you go from one to the other).

 

Some were unexplainable. Maybe even just bad timing.

[Phoe]

Sex and sexuality. When I think back of all the women I've interacted with that never were considered to be friends, ever, whether they turned out to be married or single, it was that constant tone of sex and sexuality which drove that dynamic. It's the same for my own interactions where I ended up in the 'friendzone' or 'brotherzone'. I simply wasn't sufficiently sexual nor expressed my sexuality/sexual desire in an obvious and unequivocal way.

 

It's not really rocket science. Is everyone going to like one back in a sexual way just because one puts themselves out there that way? Nope! That's life!

 

I really fear that if I just behave sexually that I'm gonna get a very wrong kind of attention, and that I'm gonna get a reputation as "that girl..."

 

That girl that flirts with everyone, that drips sexuality with every man she encounters...

 

It doesn't seem very classy, and it doesn't seem very trustworthy. Not every man is gonna feel comfortable dating the woman that oozes sexuality with other men.

 

Not that I'm incapable of being sexual... I have a very high sex drive, am ALWAYS horny, and especially lately have felt so sexually frustrated and out of control. I find myself constantly fantasizing, have to go to the bathroom and clean up because I get wet, and am masturbating way too much, and it's just not cutting it. I'm unbelievably frustrated.

 

But letting that out publicly seems like it's going to send a VERY bad message...

[Phoe]

There's a woman who I work with who has many men interested in her.

 

Yesterday she posted a facebook status saying "I don't wear panties anymore!"

 

I facepalmed and thought "Wow, Really? So not appropriate.."

 

But guess what? There were a bunch of excited men commenting on it.

 

Is this what I have to do? Is that how I have to behave to get a man?

[carhill]

"Just put your lips together and.....blow"

 

Pay attention to the look.

[somedude81]

There's a woman who I work with who has many men interested in her.

 

Yesterday she posted a facebook status saying "I don't wear panties anymore!"

 

I facepalmed and thought "Wow, Really? So not appropriate.."

 

But guess what? There were a bunch of excited men commenting on it.

 

Is this what I have to do? Is that how I have to behave to get a man?

 

Do you really want to get men who just want you for sex? You're better than that Phoe.

 

What kind of man do you want?

[Phoe]

"Just put your lips together and.....blow"

 

Pay attention to the look.

 

What? Whistling?

[missk803]

 

Women are far more likely to fall in the friends with benefits zone where a guy just wants sex with her and nothing else.

 

 

 

Wouldn't that pretty much the same thing though? The only difference is the guy wanting sex and nothing else. Whereas, most of the time when women friend zone guys, we aren't looking to sleep with them either.

[Timshel]

I strongly disagree with this idea. It's not about entitlement. Accepting that you've been friendzoned doesn't imply that you expect a return on your "investment" of time. It describes a real, tangible state in which you wanted to pursue something deeper with another person who doesn't share those desires for the relationship.

 

To me, the "friendzone" is a state in which Person X likes Person Y, but Person Y just wants to be friends. When I'm FZed by a girl, I agree that the proper response is to move on, but I find it childish/self-serving to assume that the status of the relationship has changed when I walk away from pursuing something more. Even after moving on, I've still been rejected, and I've still been friendzoned. Accepting both as reality is a very important part of moving on healthily.

 

Didn't you just say "Yes!!, this!!" ?

[somedude81]

Wouldn't that pretty much the same thing though? The only difference is the guy wanting sex and nothing else. Whereas, most of the time when women friend zone guys, we aren't looking to sleep with them either.

 

Yup it's pretty much the same thing. Neither a guy in the friendzone or the woman in the friends with benefits zone are getting what they really want.

 

Though at least women in the FWBzone get to have sex with their crush.

[Phoe]

Earlier this week an old coworker messaged me on facebook to ask how I was doing. We chatted for a while, caught up. He messaged me the next day as well, and we chatted for a bit, then suddenly he stopped chatting and never messaged again.

 

At the time, I figured he was just being friendly. I had liked a post of his so I figured he thought "hey, haven't talked to her in a while, lets see how she is"

 

Yesterday he posted a status saying "People ask me why I'm still single, but I've decided I want to wait for a girl who knocks my socks off, I want a girl who I think is worth it. I won't settle for just anything, so I will continue to be single."

 

Well, that cleared things up! Lol.

[Rejected Rosebud]

But nobody really "friend zones" another person, or puts them in the friend zone, or however you want to say that. You put yourself in that so called zone when you choose to be friendly with guys who don't want to date you. Personally I think that some of them might make good friends but if you don't like that it's up to you to just not be friends with them.

[callingyouuu]

There's a woman who I work with who has many men interested in her.

 

Yesterday she posted a facebook status saying "I don't wear panties anymore!"

 

I facepalmed and thought "Wow, Really? So not appropriate.."

 

But guess what? There were a bunch of excited men commenting on it.

 

Is this what I have to do? Is that how I have to behave to get a man?

 

I think getting a quality man is a separate concept from avoiding being friendzoned. Because of her more public sexuality, your coworker is a woman who is probably more likely to be seen as a sexual partner than a platonic friend. That said, the attention she gets won't necessarily lead to a lasting relationship, which is what you're looking for.

 

Not being friendzoned is just the first step in finding good partner, and a small element of that is being more flirty/sexual. That said, you don't have to let that sexuality define who you are.

[callingyouuu]

Didn't you just say "Yes!!, this!!" ?

 

I think you're mixing up who posted what.

[Phoe]

But nobody really "friend zones" another person, or puts them in the friend zone, or however you want to say that. You put yourself in that so called zone when you choose to be friendly with guys who don't want to date you. Personally I think that some of them might make good friends but if you don't like that it's up to you to just not be friends with them.

 

I agree, I play a big part when I choose to remain friendly with this person.

 

But when a man chooses that he prefers me as a friend, that to me is friendzone. I can choose to stay or go from there.

 

And it's not a matter of them not being interested in me but being "friends" with me just to be nice when they really want nothing to do with me. These are men who make an effort to hang out, to invite me places.

 

Unless they're ALL just saying "Nobody likes Phoe but let's invite her to do stuff so she doesn't feel bad." or "Nobody likes Phoe but let's get her a present on Xmas and her birthday just so she doesn't feel bad"

 

That's not how it works... these men genuinely just prefer being friends with me and have no romantic interest.

 

Which is fine, I just would like to figure out why. I want to figure out WHY men continually like me as a person but have 0 interest. I'd like to stop that from continuing to be a pattern in the future.

 

"She's a nice, fun, decent looking person, but I could never date her" - what causes that?

[clia]

Which is fine, I just would like to figure out why. I want to figure out WHY men continually like me as a person but have 0 interest. I'd like to stop that from continuing to be a pattern in the future.

 

"She's a nice, fun, decent looking person, but I could never date her" - what causes that?

 

I don't think there is any one answer. People just simply have their preferences about who they want to date, what kind of person they want to date, and what kind of chemistry they want to have with that person. Or maybe there is one answer, and it's chemistry. I mean, haven't you ever met a guy who you thought was fun and decent, but you didn't want to date them for whatever reason? I've met a lot of guys like that. I'm friends with a ton of guys like that. I work with a ton of guys like that. They aren't bad people, but they just aren't for me. Surely you can relate to that feeling.

[Phoe]

I don't think there is any one answer. People just simply have their preferences about who they want to date, what kind of person they want to date, and what kind of chemistry they want to have with that person. Or maybe there is one answer, and it's chemistry. I mean, haven't you ever met a guy who you thought was fun and decent, but you didn't want to date them for whatever reason? I've met a lot of guys like that. I'm friends with a ton of guys like that. I work with a ton of guys like that. They aren't bad people, but they just aren't for me. Surely you can relate to that feeling.

 

I can't relate that much, really...

 

The only people I don't want to date are people who have something that is really off-putting to me. Something that sends up a serious red flag.

 

But guys that I know who are nice, fun, decent guys, the ones without glaring red flags - I'd happily date any of them.

[CrystalCastles]

Honestly I don't think that women get friendzoned at all.

 

Men are almost always willing to sleep with a girl unless she is completely physically unattractive or there is something very wrong with her personality.

 

Women are far more likely to fall in the friends with benefits zone where a guy just wants sex with her and nothing else.

 

Also I believe that most men are willing to turn a lady friend into a girlfriend which is something very few women are willing to do.

 

I can't agree. Women are not these mysterious creatures that never get rejected, never get friendzoned, and they don't have the luxury of hundreds of men crawling after them, no matter what anyone says on here. I've been "friendzoned" before, twice I think. Both guys ended up being my friends, my feelings for them quickly vanished and I moved on in terms of romantic pursuits, but they were still great guys and I had no problems being friends with them without wanting more.

 

Also, I have way more male friends than female, and as far as I'm aware, none of them have tried to turn me into a girlfriend. They only wanted me as a friend, and I only wanted them as a friend. That was established on both sides and as far as I'm aware, I don't remember anyone asking or showing that they wanted more.

 

Also, Phoe, can I ask why you worry about these things so much and feel the need to microanalyze them? You make it sound as if you're a 40 year old woman, not a 25 year old one. You're still young, dating success will come. I don't think you need to have such extreme anxiety over it.

 

These guys aren't friendzoning you. They are just plain not interested. They aren't attracted to you and that's perfectly normal. Just accept it and move on. Not everyone will be attracted to you, there's really nothing more to analyze. Its possible these guys themselves might not know the exact list of reasons as to why they're not attracted to you. Its happened to me before- I go out on a date with a guy who is just perfect- good looking, has a high-paying job, very kind, attentive, funny. But I'm just not feeling it. Same with these guys. They're just not feeling it with you and there's nothing either party can do.

 

Also, as I said in your previous thread. Please don't change yourself unless you want to and you feel it makes you a better person. You shouldn't be trying so hard to please guys. I've gotten away with considerably less effort towards my looks and I've never had a problem in the dating department. Unless you're dating someone high-maintenance, guys (at least all the ones I've dated, most of which are the nerdy types you like) prefer a clean, well-put-together woman who is intelligent, funny and kind. You don't need to go the whole nine yards and outfit yourself in heels, skirts, pounds of makeup and designer jackets. Be yourself! People here keep telling you that. Its the most attractive thing because you come off as knowing and valuing yourself, and having pride in yourself. That is more attractive than any skirts and heels.