Eevee Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Hi there, I'm Eevee and I'm new here but I've been wanting to post about this issue for some time now so here goes... I've been dating this guy for about a year now and we're pretty happy. We're both young, I'm in Uni and he's just graduated, and we've also both got weekend jobs at a store. So money isn't exactly thrown around by either of us but I like to think that I'm not all that materialistic anyway. Whenever we go out I always make sure I have enough cash to pay my way and more. We usually decide that we split the bill when we go out, maybe one of us will get the food and the other the drinks and starters or whatever. Recently though he's been insisting on buying everything when we go out. I'm not ungrateful but I don't want him to feel obliged to pay for me all the time. So that's sort of the background and here's the incident. So about a month ago we went out for a meal with some friends. We're all students so we just went to a grill and bar type place. I was actually invited down since I live a good 4 hours away and he told me he was buying food for me so I was thankful and let him knowing that I would get the drinks in later. After the meal we were getting ready to go to the bar and I turned to my boyfriend and said I'd get our drinks. He refuses to 'let me' do this but I insisted. He continued to argue so in the end I gave him a £10 note and told him he could go up to the bar and queue if he wants to make me happy. (there was a huge queue and I didn't fancy the wait) He comes back with the drinks and tells me he's got my change and then in front of all our friends whips out the same £10 note I'd given him with a big grin saying something along the lines of 'did you really think I'd let you pay?' Maybe I'm over-reacting but this annoyed the hell out of me. I don't like how he made a big show of buying the drinks for me. Now I know some of you are probably reading this and thinking I'm just acting a bit spoilt but... The next day we went into town before I caught my train home, we were going to grab a coffee/lunch before I left. He asks me if we could stop off at the bank so he could get some cash out. When he gets there he pulls out his wallet with a sigh and says 'right time to see what damage last night did to my account' I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing! I'd told him countless times the night before I'd buy my own meal and get the drinks (in the end he only 'allowed' me to buy two rounds) if he's going to resent buying things for me I'd rather pay my own way. I am more than capable of doing so after all. I couldn't say anything at the time since I knew it would cause an argument and I didn't want to fall out with him when my bags were still in his car Am I being over the top? Any views or opinions? Please let me know
Honeybunnies Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Well for one, the whole "giving you back your money in front of everyone" was clearly a show. He wanted everyone to see his gesture as being a generous boyfriend/man. Why are you so against him paying for you every now and then? You've made it clear several times you're able to pay your way - do you feel guilty after he pays for you? Like you owe him something or that you should pick up his tab the next time? Or do you feel he's not financially stable to be paying for you? As for his comment at the bank, I didn't really see it as a jab to you. More to himself, really. He doesn't detest paying for you, you'd hear worse comments if he did. All in all, it's his money. He knows you can pay your way, you mention it so many times. After a year, he is probably trying to still be considerate and make thoughtful gestures. Maybe it makes him feel good after paying for you. 2
Heatemyheart89 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I don't see a problem here , wish my boyfriend paid for me.If he wants to pay , let him .As long as you offer . 1
kendahke Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Did he say that resentfully or was he just being sarcastic with himself? As for the incident when out with friends: he already told you he had the drinks and you pushed the issue. You could have quietly put the 10 quid back in your pocket and used it to get breakfast in the morning. You might want to work on knowing which hills to die on. This really wasn't one of them. Edited February 8, 2015 by kendahke 3
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 He may be trying to show you that he has the ability & willingness to take care of you. He is no longer interested in splitting the bills with you so I suggest you find other ways to contribute. Perhaps you can take turns. 1
Author Eevee Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I think the main issue I have is that he never wants me to pay for anything but then he complains about not having any money a lot of the time. I really appreciate that he buys me stuff (who wouldn't?) but I'd rather he didn't if he's going to a)make a big show of it in front of our mutual friends or/and b)complain about money afterwards. 1
Author Eevee Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Did he say that resentfully or was he just being sarcastic with himself? It was resentfully, that's why it riled me so much.
kendahke Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) I think the main issue I have is that he never wants me to pay for anything but then he complains about not having any money a lot of the time. I really appreciate that he buys me stuff (who wouldn't?) but I'd rather he didn't if he's going to a)make a big show of it in front of our mutual friends or/and b)complain about money afterwards. I would tell him that you don't want to go out on the town with him anymore because you're tired of being the one he gets nasty with after he's spent money and won't allow you to pitch in. If he can't afford it, then he needs to speak up and not screw up his finances in order to make a big show in front of his friends and then get curt with you when he's going to the ATM to check his balance. Also, you might want to slip him the money when you're in the car so that he's not embarrassed in front of friends with you handing him the money to go pay for something. Sometimes, it's the preservation of his male pride that is the point of him doing what he's doing. When my ex was short on cash, I would hand him the money before we got out of the car so that he can feel comfortable in front of friends, etc. It really went a long way to having a nice evening. Edited February 9, 2015 by kendahke
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