Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I was dumped a little over a month ago and have been NC for 26 days now. We were together for 2 years and 3 months and were in love, relationship was great wasn't going stale,lived together, making plans for future, weren't bored of each other and weren't growing apart. She broke up with me because i hurt her (said things didnt mean out of impulse) and said she couldn't be with someone who does that to her and didnt think i would change. She said she loves me so much but wanted to be alone and make herself happy again. I never got a chance to talk to her in person after the fight (she refused) and she hasn't wanted to talk since. The last time i talked to her she said "Chill ill talk when I'm ready". I feel like she's still angry/hurt and decided to go no contact to give her space and not pressure her and to improve myself and my problem that led to losing her, going to counseling and researching ways to help myself. I messed up and have so much guilt for pushing away someone that was crazy about me and want to make it right. I really feel like if we got back together with the improvements I'm making we could work out our issues and be happy again and even better then before with some time but i don't know how to prove that to her I've changed when she doesn't want to talk. I don't know what to do from here though. Continue no contact until she contacts me? After some more time contact her, if so how long? Its hard to let go knowing something is still there and knowing i have so much to say to her. I know everyone is going to say move on, forget it etc but and Advice on what to do with mindset of getting her back would be much appreciated thanks
NGC1300 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 She abandoned you. You should not want her back. 1
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 She abandoned you. You should not want her back. I know I've thought about that how breaking up with me is giving up on me like saying I'm a lost cause that can't change but i still don't blame her for doing it
organizedchaos Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I know I've thought about that how breaking up with me is giving up on me like saying I'm a lost cause that can't change but i still don't blame her for doing it Why would you want someone who bails on one incident? How can you not blame her? Or is there more to the story you're not telling us? Was this a pattern on your part? 1
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Why would you want someone who bails on one incident? How can you not blame her? Or is there more to the story you're not telling us? Was this a pattern on your part? Its happened before yes. Edited February 8, 2015 by Three1
dyna85 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 You shouldn't have to continuously beg someone to be with you and/or talk out issues. She's already made up her mind, so I would use that as motivation to keep on going with NC. I think you'd be doing yourself a disservice by backtracking now on the NC thing. You're understandably getting freaked out because the clock is ticking and she has yet to make a move. However, I would take 'Chill, I'll talk when I'm ready' at face value. You need to build up your self respect because at this point you say you're willing to do anything and everything she pleases; yet, you shouldn't have to sacrifice every part of yourself to make a relationship work. It's about compromise. In this situation, she has the upper hand. The further along you go down the NC path, the more you regain your power in the situation. I think power needs to be balanced for a relationship to work. If there's an imbalance, the cracks will start to show again and more likely than not, she'll throw your butt to the curb again. How many times do you hear the guy convinces the woman to reconsider after much pleading, and then bam, they breakup again in the future for similar reasons? Both parties need to acknowledge their fault in the BU scenario. It can't be all one-sided. 1
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 You shouldn't have to continuously beg someone to be with you and/or talk out issues. She's already made up her mind, so I would use that as motivation to keep on going with NC. I think you'd be doing yourself a disservice by backtracking now on the NC thing. You're understandably getting freaked out because the clock is ticking and she has yet to make a move. However, I would take 'Chill, I'll talk when I'm ready' at face value. You need to build up your self respect because at this point you say you're willing to do anything and everything she pleases; yet, you shouldn't have to sacrifice every part of yourself to make a relationship work. It's about compromise. In this situation, she has the upper hand. The further along you go down the NC path, the more you regain your power in the situation. I think power needs to be balanced for a relationship to work. If there's an imbalance, the cracks will start to show again and more likely than not, she'll throw your butt to the curb again. How many times do you hear the guy convinces the woman to reconsider after much pleading, and then bam, they breakup again in the future for similar reasons? Both parties need to acknowledge their fault in the BU scenario. It can't be all one-sided. Yea i know she has faults to that she would need to improve as well. its just frustrating because i know if we talked it out we could get on same page and work through things together but she doesn't want to talk. i feel like were leaving a lot of things on the table walking away when they could be worked at.
na49 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Yea i know she has faults to that she would need to improve as well. its just frustrating because i know if we talked it out we could get on same page and work through things together but she doesn't want to talk. i feel like were leaving a lot of things on the table walking away when they could be worked at. Get on board man. That's how most of our breakups are. The thing is that when they leave, they are basically saying that they don't want to talk things out, or work on things. They want to find someone else. 4
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Get on board man. That's how most of our breakups are. The thing is that when they leave, they are basically saying that they don't want to talk things out, or work on things. They want to find someone else. Yea i know. just a lot of potential being wasted because we had a great foundation for a successful relationship And her saying ill talk when I'm ready is messing with my head.
stellamaria Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Hmm. It depends. Could what you said to her constitute emotional abuse? If so, she needs time to get over that and you need to seek help to change. If it was just a row, she is maybe overreacting. But only you know whether what you said is forgiveable or not? Is she genuinely hurt to the point of wanting to end your relationship, or is she punishing you? 2 years + is a long relationship though, it sucks to have that go bad over some harsh words. I'd probably get in touch and apologise, tell her you see where you went wrong and will endeavour to never do that again. If she doesn't respond well then back to the NC.
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Hmm. It depends. Could what you said to her constitute emotional abuse? If so, she needs time to get over that and you need to seek help to change. If it was just a row, she is maybe overreacting. But only you know whether what you said is forgiveable or not? Is she genuinely hurt to the point of wanting to end your relationship, or is she punishing you? 2 years + is a long relationship though, it sucks to have that go bad over some harsh words. I'd probably get in touch and apologise, tell her you see where you went wrong and will endeavour to never do that again. If she doesn't respond well then back to the NC. She already ended it, i don't see this as a punishment and i have apologized and said it wouldn't happen again but she doesn't believe me and also won't talk to me in person so i can display it
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Tuesday will be a month no contact, should i send flowers to her house for valentines day with a note saying "thinking about you hope your doing ok" just to show i still care or is that needy
NGC1300 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 tuesday will be a month no contact, should i send flowers to her house for valentines day with a note saying "thinking about you hope your doing ok" just to show i still care or is that needy no!!!!!!!!!!!! 2
Holmes85 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Three1, Couple of things you should take notice of based on your post above. She broke up with me because i hurt her (said things didnt mean out of impulse) and said she couldn't be with someone who does that to her and didnt think i would change. The breakup was playing on her mind for quite some time. She needed an excuse to breakup with you and once she saw the opportunity persent itself, she took it and dumped you. She said she loves me so much but wanted to be alone and make herself happy again. I never got a chance to talk to her in person after the fight (she refused) and she hasn't wanted to talk since. The last time i talked to her she said "Chill ill talk when I'm ready". You are paying too much attention to what she's "saying" and not on what she's "doing". Does it sound very "loving" of her to "breakup" with you? She's saying all those lovely things and yet still brokeup with you, what does that tell you? That you said something mean to her and she left you? Wrong, in fact I am pretty confident whatever you might have said to her, could have been talked about easily and wans't worth breaking up over. 2 years is a long time and I'm pretty sure she knows what you didn't meant it, but yet she jumped on the opportunity to dump you. I feel like she's still angry/hurt and decided to go no contact to give her space and not pressure her and to improve myself and my problem that led to losing her, going to counseling and researching ways to help myself. I messed up and have so much guilt for pushing away someone that was crazy about me and want to make it right. I really feel like if we got back together with the improvements I'm making we could work out our issues and be happy again and even better then before with some time but i don't know how to prove that to her I've changed when she doesn't want to talk If you read the above paragraph, you are the only one applying so much effort in the relationship, I have yet to see an effort made from her end, even the last sentence of the paragraph confirms on what I have said previously. You need to stop applying too much effort, the relationship is about two people and not just one. I don't know what to do from here though. Continue no contact until she contacts me? After some more time contact her, if so how long? Its hard to let go knowing something is still there and knowing i have so much to say to her. I know everyone is going to say move on, forget it etc but and Advice on what to do with mindset of getting her back would be much appreciated thanksYou should definitely continue with the No Contact. In fact use the time away from her to get your self esteem back. You are in an emotional state right now and your logic is taken over by emotions. If you take the time apart and work on yourself, you would see with logic and with a clear head on what she did to you and see her for who she really is. Right now is not the time. Allow time to heal you, this healing process is going to take time, it's not gonna be just over within a day or two or month or two, it's going to take it's time, but if you keep making positive improvements in your life, the sooner you would heal and the sooner you would be back on the horse.
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Three1, If you read the above paragraph, you are the only one applying so much effort in the relationship, I have yet to see an effort made from her end, even the last sentence of the paragraph confirms on what I have said previously. You need to stop applying too much effort, the relationship is about two people and not just one. . I just think it was my mistake that ended it and should be my effort to try to win her back
Holmes85 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Three1, Okay lets assume for a moment that it was your mistake that ended the relationship. Lets shift all the blame on you. You have applied all the effort you need and even tried to talk back with her. What has she given you? Has she even given you a chance to make yourself clear? What effort has she applied so far? No really, tell me what effort has she made to listen to you? You are feeling worse by the second and her reply is "Chill ill talk when I'm ready", she is only thinking about herself and not you, the breakup was all her idea and not yours. You are just backtracking on everything while in No Contact and shifting the blame on yourself by thinking "maybe it could be this, maybe it could be that". Let me ask you something, when the next time you guys have an argument and you say something in a heated moment, would she breakup with you again? Would you spend the rest of your life with her walking on eggshells not sure whether to say something to her or not? In short you would be treating her like a royal queen while her treatment would continue to you as you are trash. I think you are getting the point I'm trying to make here. You need to disappear from her life, she won't miss you if you keep staying in touch with her. Right now you are in emotional state and you are going to make one mistake after another, don't do that. Take this time apart and do some other activities, to keep your mind off of her. It's not going to be easy but you should be willing to take the first step man. 1
Satu Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Snip: she doesn't want to talk. She doesn't want to talk.
Elle1975 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 To me, it's not just this one incident. It's probably something she had in mind, and the argument was just the straw that broke the camel's back. What you saw as perfect, probably wasn't so for her. 1
devilish innocent Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 It takes 8 to 10 weeks with counseling to improve anger management issues. If you got back together with her now, there's a good chance you'd relapse and cause her to leave again. It's better for you to wait and continue working on yourself before reentering into a relationship. Regardless, there's nothing you can do. You need two willing participants to have a conversation. She knows you want to talk. Now it's all up to her if and when she wants to discuss things. Keep focusing on working on yourself. She may never come back, but if not, there will be somebody else. As long as you do the right things, you will end up okay. 1
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 It takes 8 to 10 weeks with counseling to improve anger management issues. If you got back together with her now, there's a good chance you'd relapse and cause her to leave again. It's better for you to wait and continue working on yourself before reentering into a relationship. Regardless, there's nothing you can do. You need two willing participants to have a conversation. She knows you want to talk. Now it's all up to her if and when she wants to discuss things. Keep focusing on working on yourself. She may never come back, but if not, there will be somebody else. As long as you do the right things, you will end up okay. So after some time should i ask if she's ready to talk or just let her be the one to talk first.
Author Three1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I understand what everyone is saying it won't work if she won't want it to work. But how do i go about it if i want to make one last effort, to get everything off my chest and see where it goes (even if its for my own good not to get her back). What would i do wait more time when she could have a more open mind or do it sooner then later?
Satu Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 So after some time should i ask if she's ready to talk or just let her be the one to talk first. You've done well with NC. Keep at it. You should NOT contact her first.
mightycpa Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I understand what everyone is saying it won't work if she won't want it to work. But how do i go about it if i want to make one last effort, to get everything off my chest and see where it goes (even if its for my own good not to get her back). What would i do wait more time when she could have a more open mind or do it sooner then later? I think that it has very little to do with you. I can't imagine you can change in one month; maybe you're more aware now, yes, but change? No way. If this is true love on both of your parts, it can wait. True love does not go away, and you don't want to disappoint her with this half-hearted effort at change.
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