singme2sleep Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 We've been dating for over 4 months and I was acting a bit clingy so he told me he needs some space. Is this just his way of doing the "slow fade"? I did give him opportunities to just end things and he hasn't...even offered to come pick up my stuff but he won't let me. I'm not sure what to think and living in limbo is rough. We used to talk everyday not it's been 9 days of silence. I miss him like crazy! Please some advice. Is he already gone? Anyone ever been told they needed space?
Jessie1231 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 He's more than likely already gone. I'm saying that based on experience. I've said that to guys when I was pretty sure I was done, and I've had it said to me as a friendly way to break up. It sucks. So keep giving him space and either he will decide he wants a relationship or you won't hear from him. But take advantage of this space. Don't sit around and wait for someone who may not come back. It's been nine days with no contact, so that doesn't look good. Keep going on with your life and you'll get over him before you know it. And then if he comes back, you can decide if that's what you want.
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 At the 4 month mark a BF who expected to talk every day would have me running for space too. I need a lot of space. That said, after talking daily, 9 days of silence is too much. At this point, I'd call him & arrange to meet to talk. Ask what's going on. Ask if he's done. Don't say much & certainly don't beg. If you do get back together, limit yourself to reaching out nor more than every other day, less if possible. Tell him you'd prefer he come to you. 1
Satu Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 When someone says they need space, it very often means that they want to leave the relationship, but have some doubts, or don't want to hurt the person they are leaving. That's not always the case, but it most often is. 1
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 What do you mean he does not want you to pick up your things? It's over hon, I want space or I want a break is the same as I wanna break up. No one would spend 9 days not talking to you if they cared deep down. 1
Author singme2sleep Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Every time I have mentioned getting my stuff, he refuses. I even made it easy and said he could leave it in a bag on his porch.
Author singme2sleep Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 At the 4 month mark a BF who expected to talk every day would have me running for space too. I need a lot of space. That said, after talking daily, 9 days of silence is too much. At this point, I'd call him & arrange to meet to talk. Ask what's going on. Ask if he's done. Don't say much & certainly don't beg. If you do get back together, limit yourself to reaching out nor more than every other day, less if possible. Tell him you'd prefer he come to you. I agree with what you're saying. But the problem is I have made attempts to talk in person but he keeps saying he isn't ready. It's such bull!
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Every time I have mentioned getting my stuff, he refuses. I even made it easy and said he could leave it in a bag on his porch. Why he refuses? Because he does not want to see you or because it means the relationship is over? This is highly controlling of him. Tell him to put your things in a box-bag at his door and you will pick them up with a friend tonight at 7pm (what ever is convenient to you) and if he refuses then it's not a friend that will be with you but a police officer. 1
kendahke Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 what things did you leave over there? Stuff you can replace at the store, or family heirlooms and bank statements? If you can go to the store and replace them, then just leave them be. If they are irreplaceable items, you may need a sheriff or police to go get your stuff back.
writergal Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Your bf sounds really unstable. Whenever anyone says "I need a break," or "I need space," that's feeble speak for "I want to break up with you but I"m too cowardly to do it, so I'll ask for space which will frustrate you so that you break up with me." It's very controlling of him to refuse to let you get your things from his place. That is a huge red flag of his controlling (and possibly physically and emotionally abusive) tendencies. Count yourself lucky that it's only been 4 months, and not four years. He sounds very immature. It's ridiculous that he won't let you come over to get your things. Like kendahke said, if the things you left over there are replaceable, leave them over there. But if there is family heirlooms, or expensive furniture or jewelry then ask a guy friend or two to come with you to your boyfriend's place to collect your things. Hopefully you don't have to get the police involved, but do it if your stuff means that much to you. 1
Zahara Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Every time I have mentioned getting my stuff, he refuses. I even made it easy and said he could leave it in a bag on his porch. My ex did this to me. He was seeing another woman and was keeping me on the backburner by holding my stuff hostage. Or he's just keeping you on the backburner until he figures what to do with you. Why haven't you made a decision for yourself versus placing your fate solely in his hands? 2
irresolute Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Give him the space. He's probably suffocated. You don't know what the outcome will be but right now doesn't look good. Clinginess is not a good thing at all
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I agree completely with Zahara's perspective. He's holding onto your stuff because he wants to keep one finger on you while he explores his other options or figures things out. This tells us he is wishy washy about you. Never stay with a man that's wishy washy about your relationship. He's not magically going to figure out you're the one. This isn't a Hallmark movie. The question is, as Zahara pointed out, why are you letting him control the situation? It's time to get firm. It's time for you to take this situation into your own hands. You already have the answer about where he wants your relationship to be at the moment. You don't need to talk to him about this stuff at this point. Call him up, tell him that this state of limbo doesn't work for *you*. This is all that should matter to you. You don't have to care what works for him. It's time to think about what is going to work for you. This is your life too. And it's not fair for you to be left in this state of flux. Tell him you want your stuff, set a time to pick it up. At this point, it's necessary to make a clean break from this situation he is not treating you with respect....and that's also not something that's going to magically change. 2
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