I love her but she got drunk & went home w/ another guy? Do I forgive?

[Knight80]

Can anyone help me? I've been seeing a girl for three years. I'm head over heals in love with her. She is my whole world. We have had such an intense experiense together. We were both completely swept off our feet, this is nothing like any of us had experiencced before, such an intense and passionate relationship.

Now, she had problems with generally being crap, not phoning to let me know shes safe, not getting in on time etc etc. And i had problems with jealousy. Now dont get me wrong, i'm no slave driver but when things really start to become ridiculous it starts to get to me and eventually, like any bloke i can blow my top. For example.. she goes out with her mates, she tells me that she'll be back at 2am, but rolls in at 6am. Things like that.

Anyway, at christmas this year (well, three days before) we had a big drunken row and we split up.. for three months. It totally destroyed me. I contemplated suicide once and went out of my mind without her. I tried everything to get her back with no avail. Until one day.. i found out she went to a party and went home with some other guy. Whilst we were going out I always used to jokingly ask her if she'd "pulled" when she went out and she would always smile and say no, but this time she said yes. She said she got drunk, went home with him, kissed him, he touched her and she touched him but there was no oral sex and no full sex.

 

Should I forgive that? We are now back together but when i look at her i feel myself either wanting to slap her or wanting to cry.. I'm so messed up about this it haunts me everyday but my friends are all the sort of people who wouldnt be too interested in this sort of thing as its all macho macho bull**** these days.

PLEASE PLEASE try to help me... any questions please ask.. I really dont know where to turn.. Come on my cyber friends sort out my head please

A very confused person... Male.. 25..

[snipit3172]

have you tried talking to her and letting her know how you feel you need to try or else it will eat you up inside and you will end up hating her

[Knight80]

Thanks for your post.

I fear talking to her about this my friend because i'm sure if i said it she'd say well lets call it off then. She seems to be able to handle splitting up with me really well. At one point in our relationship it was obvious to me that she loved me so much more than i loved her, then the roles gradually swapped... not sure why or how.

We are "seeing how things go" and "taking it slow" she hasn't told me she loves me since the day we got back together so i've stopped telling her too.

Shes the youngest in her family and is really close with them. I'm the eldest in mine and am not close with my family at all.. TBH i dont really get on with her family. Her dad and brother are OK, but i never know how to take her mother/sister because they seem to have some sort of control over her which i just cant seem to comprehend, as soon as they are about its like i dont exist, in fact, come to think of it its as soon as anything happens i seem to be second best. Maybe i'm just kidding myself through fear of being alone that this will work. She still makes me feel like no one else ever has.. Once, i had a girl friend i though i loved, but the feelings i was getting from her were NOTHING like what i get from my current gf.

Its like she a drug and i'm addicted and it doesn't matter how much of a tit i make myself look i'll do anything to save it. But like i said man.. I was ready for everything me, marrage, kids morgage the lot i didn't care.. i wasn't scared of it. I feel like shes my family and now i want to start to build my own close net family, she doesn't seem to want that, she wants freedom to do what she wants when she wants which is cool to a certain degree but you cant hide the fact your in a relationship and it takes work, commitment and time. I just wish i could get it out my mind, maybe i should try and be hipnotised so i can forget it.. lol.... i just dont know... One thing you should know though is when we got back together she told me she regretted this thing with this other guy and that if she could change it she would. AND I said i could forgive it and move on but am not sure if i should. So i'm a bit hesitant to talk to ther becasue i already said i could bury it.

Not sure.. whaddya suggest?

[LucreziaBorgia]

So i'm a bit hesitant to talk to ther becasue i already said i could bury it.

 

You will definitely need to find someone to talk to about this. Someone objective like a friend, or a counselor or something like that. What to talk about? If your girlfriend is an addictive drug, and you consider suicide when she leaves you - then the balance is way off. That isn't love, and that's probably why she isn't saying "I love you" anymore. That's addiction and slavery to your own neediness.

 

In this particular relationship, your idea of "love" is like a person holding onto a bird - if the bird tries to get away, he grasps it harder in his fist until he is eventually killing it in order to make it stay. If you continue to hold onto your girlfriend's heart in this same needy, grasping way then her heart and love for you will die.

I hate to say this, but no woman likes to be saddled with a guy who heaps the responsibility for his own happiness onto her shoulders like that. You have made your love an obligational trap. She knows if she leaves, you'll collapse and hold her entirely responsible for it. She cares enough for you right now that she cares what happens to you should she leave, but I can promise you that over time - and probably not too long from now, if you continue on in this way she will eventually get to where she no longer cares enough and will trample you down when she escapes from this emotionally unhealthy corner you have her backed into.

 

you cant hide the fact your in a relationship and it takes work, commitment and time.

 

You will need to take a break, and put your heart into rehab for a while. Work on your jealousy and insecurity issues that have boiled over in this relationship, make a commitment to finding a way to making her your partner and not your addictive drug, and give it time to make the necessary changes that you need to in order to keep her with you out of her own choice, and not by obligation or guilt. Relearn trust. Rebuild whatever hole you are trying to make her fill inside yourself.

 

Be a stronger man, and you'll find that she may well want to stay with you out of choice. Then again, she may not. But at least you will have become strong enough to handle it if/when she goes.

[beatjunkies]

Just think of it this way.. You two weren't together at the time she did this. Maybe she just wanted to get this out of her system before coming back to you. In a way its better than her getting these urges when you are together and cheating on you. Besides she already said that she regrets it and is sorry.. I think she honestly is and you should just worry about the present. Think of how bad you wanted her back, and now that you do you're going to let something that happened when you weren't together F it all up ? You have to let this go or at least let her know.. Just say hey it bugs me still but im sure we can get through it.. Dont be all needy just talk about it casually. Then again she might get angry and say hey i said i was sorry and if you cant forget about it then we shouldnt be together.. Just try to drop it.. Its not important anymore.. She just wanted to test the waters a little bit and maybe enjoy being single and regrets it ! Just try to drop it if this means anything to you or else you will end up losing her again !!!

[Sal Paradise]

Dump her, you deserve better. Alcohol is no excuse.

[Knight80]

Ok Guys.. firstly...... in reply to LucreziaBorgia, I get what you are saying here and appreciate it.... but some things are off.. for instance...

If your girlfriend is an addictive drug, and you consider suicide when she leaves you - then the balance is way off. That isn't love, and that's probably why she isn't saying "I love you" anymore. That's addiction and slavery to your own neediness.

I'm sorry but love is addictive... I dont feel like if i "cold turkey" from her i will consider suicide again... one thing i did (which i think every man has done at some point in his life) was to turn my anger into a punch and launch it at a brick wall.. this f*cked up one of my knuckles and I now have that as a daily reminder that, well.. it aint a good idea is it. My jealousy has been worked on, i've read numerous websites/books since and feel differently about it. But yes you are right with the quote...

put your heart into rehab for a while

I do feel i need that.

Thank you

LucreziaBorgia

 

In reply to beatjunkies...

You two weren't together at the time she did this.

I've been over this time and time again.. now... although we werent together, she was telling me she loved me throughout the breakup... if this was true.. why would she have done this with this other guy? Does that mean her love for me isn't strong enough? When she says i love you, does she mean it? She loves me now.. so am i to think this may happen again? Don't you see.. she's been saying one thing and doing another.. Can i trust it when she says she loves me now? Or are they just words that fall out of her mouth with no meaning? Love is something you show and trust is something you earn.. neither is unconditional.

Thank you

beatjunkies

 

In reply to Sal Paradise .. good idea mate but i'm having a conflict between my heart and mind so i dont want to rush into a decision I may regret later.. One thing i have felt, and this is becasue I am a very logical/symetrical person who likes things balanced.. I've considered doing it myself (kissing another girl, perhaps more but not sex), just so i can even things out.. I would never tell her but in my mind it would be balanced.. however this agian is a road towards the **** so probably wont do it. Hmmmmm.

Thank You Sal Paradise

 

Keep em coming people.... This is good stuff!!

[moimeme]

Relationships are no good unless both people are invested in them. You say she can easily handle the idea of breaking up with you. This does not bode well for the relationship. Yes, at one point she may have loved you more, but between your jealous behaviour and her irresponsible behaviour, this is not a match made in heaven.

 

Just like any addiction, being addicted to another person can harm you. I don't think this relationship is good for either of you. For the sake of both your health, I think it's probably time to end it. And, like other addictions, it'll be awful for a while, but once she's out of your system, you can move on and, hopefully, have a healthier relationship next time.

[Knight80]

Erm.. not sure what to say to this post from moimeme.. sounds like sound advice, but i suppose there's only really me and her that can make a decision on that.. there will only EVER be me and her that knows what went on, how serious things were etc etc.. i'll deffinately consider it but at the moment i would like to see if things do work out.. yes it may hurt more if we break up later.. but my confidence has gotten a lot better and she has said she will work on her behaviour so i guess only time will tell. I would like to see if it can work becasue i dont want to be like all the others regreting something.. I hate regrets.. i have a chance (as well as she does) to put things right, if two months later (JUNE) she hasn't improved or we havent moved on.. i think you are right and we should break up.. Plus by then it'll be summer so all the hot ladies will be out in their summer clothes..... mmm hmmm

Thank You

moimeme