imss_1 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I've been dating this guy for a few months, he is lovely and we get on really well. Things have been moving quite slowly but just before Xmas he met my parents and my extended family which went really well. After Xmas I went away to Asia for 3 weeks and we stayed in touch for the first part of my trip but then lost touch when I was in a developing country for about 11 days. He had told me that he really wanted to stay in touch when I was out there (and he has been cheated on in the past by an ex while she was abroad) but this didn't happen for various reasons and was my fault. When I got home he was quite frosty to me and we ended up arguing because he was distant. He asked to see me though and we finally saw each other again on Friday. When we met up, his body language was really closed off, his voice shook when he was talking about me not keeping in touch and I could tell he was having second thoughts about us. To make matters worse, we had a few drinks and I ended up telling him how much I partied on holiday and some other stuff I really shouldn't have said. I really really care about this guy, I think I'm falling in love with him - and I know his mind is probably going crazy with all the possibilities of what happened when I was out in Asia, but nothing did. I feel like he is punishing me now - he wouldn't even have sex with me after our night out even though it was very obvious he wanted to and he's becoming more and more distant. I really want to fix things and make them better but I don't know how. Any advice would be great.
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 What were those various reasons? 11 days is a very long time to not have any news from a girlfriend after she had promised she would keep in touch. I once stayed 4 days with no news from a boyfriend and when he got back to me I broke up with him over it. 1
Author imss_1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I was in a country in Asia with very limited electricity, which kept having blackouts and it was difficult to get in touch. I eventually found wifi and sent him an email which he apparently did not receive. I thought he was busy and would get back to me later and he thought the same about me...
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 If technology was not available I don't understand you call it 'being your fault'. What is done is done. If you have explained to him the communication difficulties you came across and he is still pouting then I suggest you let him unwhine a little longer on his own. Being upset because he got no news from you for 11 days is one thing, being upset because he thinks you cheated, is something else. His insecurities due to past relationships belong to him and he needs to deal with them and not impose them onto others.
Author imss_1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I'm pretty sure he feels that I could have done more to keep in touch, and part of me also thinks that because I went partying a lot while I was there that something must have happened. I made it clear that it didn't, but I can tell from the way he has been behaving that he thinks something did.
Zahara Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) I'm pretty sure he feels that I could have done more to keep in touch, and part of me also thinks that because I went partying a lot while I was there that something must have happened. I made it clear that it didn't, but I can tell from the way he has been behaving that he thinks something did. I think you could have done more. I go home to a "country in Asia" and while there are places that are under developed -- my parents home sometimes have no water/electricity, I would buy local calling cards to contact people back in the US using my cell. There are internet cafes everywhere if you travel to a nearby city because owning a computer is a luxury in most homes. In a place that had limited electricity and blackouts, I'm surprised you had all this partying going on. I think you got distracted and caught up with your new surroundings. He wasn't much of a priority while you were in a new environment. Understandable as to why you sidetracked but I also understand how he feels because the reasons as to why you had 11 days without contact doesn't sound believable. Edited February 8, 2015 by Zahara
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 You have only been dating him for a few months. You went on vacation I don't care if you were in a 1st world country. You don't owe anybody contact while you are on vacation. Yes, it's nice if you can stay in touch but it's not required. The fact that the option wasn't there because there were blackouts & limited electricity makes it absolutely ridiculous that he's this bent. You were in touch when you could be. It was 11 freakin' days & he knew where you were. You seem to genuinely feel bad that he's upset but if that isn't enough for him, dump him. 1
Author imss_1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I think you could have done more. I go home to a "country in Asia" and while there are places that are under developed -- my parents home sometimes have no water/electricity, I would buy local calling cards to contact people back in the US using my cell. There are internet cafes everywhere if you travel to a nearby city because owning a computer is a luxury in most homes. In a place that had limited electricity and blackouts, I'm surprised you had all this partying going on. I think you got distracted and caught up with your new surroundings. He wasn't much of a priority while you were in a new environment. Understandable as to why you sidetracked but I also understand how he feels because the reasons as to why you had 11 days without contact doesn't sound believable. From your perspective, is there anything I could do to make it up to him?
Author imss_1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 You have only been dating him for a few months. You went on vacation I don't care if you were in a 1st world country. You don't owe anybody contact while you are on vacation. Yes, it's nice if you can stay in touch but it's not required. The fact that the option wasn't there because there were blackouts & limited electricity makes it absolutely ridiculous that he's this bent. You were in touch when you could be. It was 11 freakin' days & he knew where you were. You seem to genuinely feel bad that he's upset but if that isn't enough for him, dump him. This is pretty much how I feel. We haven't had 'the talk' and we are exclusive but not official, he has made it clear that we aren't a couple. So I didn't feel like I needed to be in touch every single day while I was away. However, I also feel bad that I may have exacerbated his insecurities that stem from him being cheated on and I understand thats why he is upset.
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 This is pretty much how I feel. We haven't had 'the talk' and we are exclusive but not official, he has made it clear that we aren't a couple. So I didn't feel like I needed to be in touch every single day while I was away. However, I also feel bad that I may have exacerbated his insecurities that stem from him being cheated on and I understand thats why he is upset. You are not official but you took him home to mom and dad over the holidays? Are you trying to minimise your relationship with him? Whether you are an official couple or not if you told him you would keep in touch and you didn't by lack of motivation then you are unreliable.
Zahara Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) From your perspective, is there anything I could do to make it up to him? I don't think it's so much him feeling insecure (cheating) but more so the fact that he felt you maybe didn't care because you had contact and then fell off the radar for 11 days and then you tell him how much you partied, etc. He was probably saying in his head -- she had all this time to party but no time to even make a 2 minute call? I think that if you step into his shoes, you'd have your doubts as well. He could possibly feel that maybe you're really not into him or interested and that's why he's stepping back. I don't think you should do anything more. If you explained your reasons, even if he doesn't believe them -- if he's choosing to keep distance then let him. You did your part and he either has to get over it or move on. Adding to what Gaeta said, if he was important enough to introduce to your family and extended family, then he should have been important enough to make the effort with contact. Edited February 8, 2015 by Zahara 1
umirano Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I'm pretty sure he feels that I could have done more to keep in touch Well, could you? If that's what he thinks then he thinks he must not be very high up on your priority list. Then being told how awesome the partying was while he was unimportant won't help much. If you can genuinely apologize for disappearing on him, i.e. not making a real effort to let him know you're thinking of him, then you should. If you really feel none of this is your fault and you did everything humanly possible to maintain a reasonable amount of contact and affection, then don't, but I wouldn't have high hopes he'll change his mind concerning your behavior. This day and age there are very few places where for eleven days there's no way to connect to the internet or GSM and he probably knows that. He knows it would have cost you like half an hour and 5 dollars to send him a sweet message, but it appears you had better things to do with your money and time and that will upset most men who sort of care about their partners. If you go with the sincerely felt apology you should expect him to accept it and move on. I would. If he still treats you coldly you shouldn't invest in this RS. 1
kendahke Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 The 11 days incommunicado: was it because there was no internet /cell phone service where you were going to be (or roaming charges would have been a mint) or that you just put other things higher on the priority list than him? If you can't get a signal, you can't get a signal, but having said that, many places in Asia have internet cafe's which you could have ducked in and used to send emails. Also, whatsapp is good for chatting with people on the other side of the world.
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Talk to him. Sit him down. Tell him you understand that he has issues re: cheating but your lack of communication wasn't that. Get him to tell you why he's this upset. Then armed with those facts, try to reassure him. If you can't get him to see your side, tell him his insecurities & his refusal to accept the good thing right in front of him (you) is what caused the break up.
Author imss_1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I think a big part of it is that I sent him an email after 2 days in the undeveloped country and he didn't respond. I talked to him about it when I got back and he said he never received it, whereas I thought he was ignoring me and didn't try to communicate again. I will try to talk to him about why he is being distant, but he's quite non-confrontational and is just pulling away in small ways like not texting as much and purposely making me feel unimportant. He also told me when I saw him that he thought I was playing it cool so he decided to play it cool too. I wasn't playing it cool at all, though.
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I think a big part of it is that I sent him an email after 2 days in the undeveloped country and he didn't respond. I talked to him about it when I got back and he said he never received it, whereas I thought he was ignoring me and didn't try to communicate again. I will try to talk to him about why he is being distant, but he's quite non-confrontational and is just pulling away in small ways like not texting as much and purposely making me feel unimportant. He also told me when I saw him that he thought I was playing it cool so he decided to play it cool too. I wasn't playing it cool at all, though. Was your relationship so weak that you assumed he was ignoring you after that unanswered email? Under the condition you were I think anyone would have concluded the emails do not make it or get in junk folders and are never found.
Author imss_1 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 He has a habit of taking ages to reply to things and he's generally quite busy so I assumed he would reply later, but he never did...
Zahara Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) He has a habit of taking ages to reply to things and he's generally quite busy so I assumed he would reply later, but he never did... First you say that you both maintained contact during the first part of the trip. So it seems there was back and forth contact on his part. Then now you say he takes ages to reply and is quite busy. OP, one email in 11 days is a sign of lack in effort. There are calling cards. There are internet cafes. There are apps you can install on your phone -- I use one to speak to my cousin in UK. If you didn't get a reply you could have easily sent another message, called, etc. If I was in an "under developed country", if unreliable technology is possible, and sent a message and received nothing back after 2-3 days, I would have wondered if my boyfriend received it and made another attempt. It really is a very simple concept if one is interested in making the effort. Edited February 8, 2015 by Zahara
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