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Am I destined to be in the friendzone


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Posted

I am 24, studying psychology, I don't look like Brad nor I am ugly. I am well able to crack jokes, people consider me funny and intelligent, I play several instruments, do sports. Just another average guy. My love life, though, seem to be pretty empty. Now, don't be confused, I've been involved with girls for several times before, but lately, I started to notice like some sort of "pattern" in my love life: most of the girls (roughly 95%) I meet end up liking me as a friend. This situation is very unpleasant to handle since I am an emotional and sexual being.

 

I think the problem is that I am too nice. People generally say that I am a "good listener". But that's normal I guess considering my future profession. Girls seem to notice my "listening gift" too, and use it to talk to me all the time about their issues. Its fine up to a certain point, but how do I draw a line before they start talking about their love problems? My last girlfriend (we were together for 2 months) told me: "Look, you're the funniest and most charming man I ever met, but I just don't feel the same way, I don't know why, I can't force myself, sorry". And this wasn't the first time I heard something like that... So yes, in their eyes I am this charming, funny, smart, talented, excellent talker, nice guy... they don't want to have anything with. How not to feel weird about this??

 

Another great deal of issue is that girls are prone to like alpha males. And I am not sure I have the qualities of an alpha male. I don't stand out (except when I talk in public... people told me I could be an excellent PR manager), I am not really a leader, I am low on my self confidence... and girls tend to have some sort of radar for this... and it doesn't sound when I am around. Let me illustrate it with an example: Vacation, me and 2 of my friends meet 3 girls and all 3 end up in one of my friend's bed. ALL 3 OF THEM! What is he like? Well, he's a great lad, average looks, college drop out.. but he's the fastest when making a joke... he teases girls verbally... and he has something, I am not sure what.. but when he enters the room all eyes are on him. An Alpha male, I am sure.

 

So, any piece of advice for me?

Posted

I think it's good to some how make it known your interest in them dating wise sooner than later. Ask them out to dinner or some kind of event (these are just examples, don't read into them.)

 

But making your intentions known before they start using you as a surrogate or sounding board would be something you should be doing with them.

 

Don't sound demanding, just say, "Hey, I like you, I'd like to take you out sometime. Would you like to join me for dinner so I can get to know you better?"

 

You cannot interact with them for too long prior to asking them out if you don't want them to just voice their love problems to you.

 

I am 24, studying psychology, I don't look like Brad nor I am ugly. I am well able to crack jokes, people consider me funny and intelligent, I play several instruments, do sports. Just another average guy. My love life, though, seem to be pretty empty. Now, don't be confused, I've been involved with girls for several times before, but lately, I started to notice like some sort of "pattern" in my love life: most of the girls (roughly 95%) I meet end up liking me as a friend. This situation is very unpleasant to handle since I am an emotional and sexual being.

 

I think the problem is that I am too nice. People generally say that I am a "good listener". But that's normal I guess considering my future profession. Girls seem to notice my "listening gift" too, and use it to talk to me all the time about their issues. Its fine up to a certain point, but how do I draw a line before they start talking about their love problems? My last girlfriend (we were together for 2 months) told me: "Look, you're the funniest and most charming man I ever met, but I just don't feel the same way, I don't know why, I can't force myself, sorry". And this wasn't the first time I heard something like that... So yes, in their eyes I am this charming, funny, smart, talented, excellent talker, nice guy... they don't want to have anything with. How not to feel weird about this??

 

Another great deal of issue is that girls are prone to like alpha males. And I am not sure I have the qualities of an alpha male. I don't stand out (except when I talk in public... people told me I could be an excellent PR manager), I am not really a leader, I am low on my self confidence... and girls tend to have some sort of radar for this... and it doesn't sound when I am around. Let me illustrate it with an example: Vacation, me and 2 of my friends meet 3 girls and all 3 end up in one of my friend's bed. ALL 3 OF THEM! What is he like? Well, he's a great lad, average looks, college drop out.. but he's the fastest when making a joke... he teases girls verbally... and he has something, I am not sure what.. but when he enters the room all eyes are on him. An Alpha male, I am sure.

 

So, any piece of advice for me?

Posted

How long do you spend getting to know these women before you ask them out? The longer you wait, the more likely she will only see you as a friend. Upon meeting you need to make it initially clear that you are interested in romance, not friendship.

 

 

For example, let's say you meet a woman in a coffee shop. You need to flirt with her initially, get her # as soon as possible & ask her on a date shortly there after.

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Posted

I get both of you. But that's exactly how I do it. I meet a girl somewhere, I ask her on a date, the next day I usually wake up with a message in my phone saying that she had such a great time and she wants to do it again... And then we go out again... and again... and somehow we end up being friends. During the dates I try to show the interesting side of my personality, but I am a bit afraid to show sexual initiative... because I've been rejected before and I just block myself in the moment.

Posted

Never underestimate the power of walking away.

 

The friend zone is a myth created by men who hang around expecting something to happen because of time invested. It never ever happens and because some need to justify rejection they say they are friend zoned.

 

Its a joke.

 

Work on your approach and game and attempt a date with a girl. If she says no or does not cooperate you move on. It's that simple. If you choose to hang around expecting to turn the tables you lose.

Posted

What kind of dates are you going on? You need to make these girls feel like they're on dates, not a casual outing with a friend.

 

Bring up your confidence, don't second guess yourself. Be charming and witty, make eye contact, let her know you're glad she came.

 

When I met my current boyfriend, the way he carried himself - his confidence - instantly attracted me. I knew I wanted to be with him. He had a great, positive attitude and just radiated charisma. He was sure of himself.

 

If you second guess yourself, girls are going to sense that. If you let them come to you with their problems early on, you'll be seen as that "really nice friend who listens well."

Posted

Are you at least hand holding & kissing on these dates? You don't have to jump into bed but some physical affection is appropriate.

Posted

In my early 20s I one time dated a man I really liked who was also in his early 20s. He was handsome, charming and fun. But he never tried to kiss me, touch my hand or take the iniative to a more romantic relationship. Being quiet shy myself, I also never took the iniative with him in return. He ended up being my friend instead of my boyfriend. And while I always enjoyed his friendship (we are no longer friends due to just a slow-drifting apart), I would have perfered to have been his gf. It's like we got on the airplane but never took off. Unfortunately, his Dad, who he didn't have the best relationship with to begin with, made a move on me and I think that was partly also why he never did. After that happened he clearly felt bad and ackward around me and pretty much any suggestion at a romantic relationship dried up.

 

I seriously think the problem here is that you don't assert your sexuality with these nice young ladies. If you can work on being more assertative with your own sexuality, your other qualities are actually going to make you a most awesome boyfriend..and one day..a fantastic husband. As a student of pyschology, why don't you dive into some of the books and see if you can't find some tools in there that would help you exercise that skill?

 

Ultimately, while every woman is different with different needs, most women are looking for a truly good man that's masculinity makes her feel the depths of her own femininity. And a big piece of that is making her feel like a beautiful, sexual creature in response to your own strength and sexuality in return. It's our romantic and sexual feelings that make a relationship..for lack of a better word...romantic. Otherwise, we are just friends. So you need to find a way to express that side of yourself in a strong masculine and positive way.

Posted

This might sound a bit backward but I think it might be a good idea to not open up too soon into dating. Like keep a few things about yourself back to create that 'mystery' that will keep girls interested and wanting to get to know you more. I think a lot of girls are attracted to the possibility of dating a guy but if you're too kind/funny/nice on the first couple of dates many girls probably think they know everything about you after two or three dates.

I'm not saying be a DBag but just keep her interested.

 

A friend once told me she liked having a relationship with a nice guy but didn't like dating them. Sounds like you could be a great long term boyfriend to a girl but you need that excitement of the first few dates to balance things out :)

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