Being too open on dates? Bad idea or roll with it?

[kumar123]

Okay, so I've been actively dating several guys lately. I have this thing where people naturally view me as trustworthy and open up to me really easily. This has never been a bad thing. However, I've never dated multiple people at the same time. In the past, I was usually dating one guy, they'd open up to me really quickly (within the first 2 dates) and we'd slowly progress to something deeper like a relationship.

 

I am a very open person. I rarely remain guarded on subjects so opening up to people about my life DOES NOT make me feel vulnerable. However, I went on a 2nd date with a guy. He opened up and told me something really personal and before hand said something like ("OMG, I can't believe I'm about to tell you this. I've never told anyone outside of my family this...). I am trustworthy and have no issue with this but from my experience guys get really attached when these things happen. The other guy I'm dating did the same thing on our last date. I slept over (no sex yet) and he was practically shaking when opening up to me, being emotional and telling me tragic stories. He's a very stoic guy who has a history of being a player, so this was very unusual for him.

 

I also have a guy friend that I'm currently confused about who has been being incredibly open and emotional with me... and seems to be slowly developing feelings for me. I am NOT asking these guys to be open. They are just letting their guard down and telling me their secrets and everything.

 

I'm just curious about how people roll with this? My issue and concerns are if all these guys may be getting really attached to me with all this openness. In terms of MY feelings... it's just WAY too early to make a decision one way or the other. I'm still figuring out how I feel, and I am trustworthy. I won't abuse what they've told me, I just feel like these guys are developing a bond with me due to telling me all their secrets. I also spend a great deal of time with each guy on every date (this is NOT unusual or rare for me but for these guys it seems like it is).

 

And again I'm not planning this. I could be asking them something normal like, "Oh are your grandparents still around" which becomes the beginning of some story that they rarely share with anyone. Again, this happens with friends and strangers all the time so this is normal for me, I just feel a bit weird with it happening with guys I'm dating, since I feel an attachment is forming on their end that maybe shouldn't, especially this early.

Edited February 8, 2015 by kumar123

[whatnowforus]

Don't understand your question at all, you've already stated at the start you used to go on 2 dates and develop into relationship now you're playing the field and kind of shocked these guys are developing feelings after 2 dates. Ironic.

[kumar123]

Don't understand your question at all, you've already stated at the start you used to go on 2 dates and develop into relationship now you're playing the field and kind of shocked these guys are developing feelings after 2 dates. Ironic.

 

The issue is that I'm dating multiple guys at the same time. With ONE guy, it's fine since I can focus on that guy.

 

However, with dating multiple guys, I don't think it's right to keep dating multiple guys for ages while they keep emotional bonding with me. From my experience, most people who go on 2-3 dates, it doesn't get too heavy or deep so it's fine.

 

Yet, these guys are getting really heavy and deep, and it feels like they are all forming some attachment (I could be wrong, hopefully I am!). I'm not sure of my feelings so I'd like to keep dating them all to figure it out but the more dates we go on, the heavier things seem to get with conversations and closeness.

[Jessie1231]

For some reason that happens to me a bit too. I don't know if I come across as overly friendly or maybe seem like a therapist or what it is. I don't ever ask deep questions, but somehow I get into these talks about the person's feelings way too soon. I'm honest about myself too, but nothing so personal that I've never told anyone.

 

None of these relationships have worked so I'm still dating. I've found that by the guy opening up like that we sort of become friends which is ok. Most of the guys I go out with I will only see a few times before deciding we won't work out (I meet guys online and that's just the way things work), so I don't have some huge break up and it transitions from dates to friendship often.

[whatnowforus]

For me personally if I stayed over at a girls house sex or no sex my morals wouldn't allow me to date the other girls again after i'd made that decision.

Im probably miss reading the question but I only date 1 girl at a time as 1 is more than enough to deal with haha.

 

The issue is that I'm dating multiple guys at the same time. With ONE guy, it's fine since I can focus on that guy.

 

However, with dating multiple guys, I don't think it's right to keep dating multiple guys for ages while they keep emotional bonding with me. From my experience, most people who go on 2-3 dates, it doesn't get too heavy or deep so it's fine.

 

Yet, these guys are getting really heavy and deep, and it feels like they are all forming some attachment (I could be wrong, hopefully I am!). I'm not sure of my feelings so I'd like to keep dating them all to figure it out but the more dates we go on, the heavier things seem to get with conversations and closeness.

[kendahke]

Okay, so I've been actively dating several guys lately. I have this thing where people naturally view me as trustworthy and open up to me really easily. This has never been a bad thing. However, I've never dated multiple people at the same time. In the past, I was usually dating one guy, they'd open up to me really quickly (within the first 2 dates) and we'd slowly progress to something deeper like a relationship.

 

I am a very open person. I rarely remain guarded on subjects so opening up to people about my life DOES NOT make me feel vulnerable. However, I went on a 2nd date with a guy. He opened up and told me something really personal and before hand said something like ("OMG, I can't believe I'm about to tell you this. I've never told anyone outside of my family this...). I am trustworthy and have no issue with this but from my experience guys get really attached when these things happen. The other guy I'm dating did the same thing on our last date. I slept over (no sex yet) and he was practically shaking when opening up to me, being emotional and telling me tragic stories. He's a very stoic guy who has a history of being a player, so this was very unusual for him.

 

I also have a guy friend that I'm currently confused about who has been being incredibly open and emotional with me... and seems to be slowly developing feelings for me. I am NOT asking these guys to be open. They are just letting their guard down and telling me their secrets and everything.

 

I'm just curious about how people roll with this? My issue and concerns are if all these guys may be getting really attached to me with all this openness. In terms of MY feelings... it's just WAY too early to make a decision one way or the other. I'm still figuring out how I feel, and I am trustworthy. I won't abuse what they've told me, I just feel like these guys are developing a bond with me due to telling me all their secrets. I also spend a great deal of time with each guy on every date (this is NOT unusual or rare for me but for these guys it seems like it is).

 

And again I'm not planning this. I could be asking them something normal like, "Oh are your grandparents still around" which becomes the beginning of some story that they rarely share with anyone. Again, this happens with friends and strangers all the time so this is normal for me, I just feel a bit weird with it happening with guys I'm dating, since I feel an attachment is forming on their end that maybe shouldn't, especially this early.

 

you may be one of the kinds of people who makes them feel safe enough to open up to you about things they've been made ashamed to put voice to before. I think that is a good quality--it means you have empathy, but I can see where your concern comes in--they may misinterpret your empathy for romantic interest sooner than is comfortable for you.

 

I think that as long as you're clear where you are on the continuum with them, you can keep any misunderstandings at bay. You said it yourself above:

 

"In terms of MY feelings... it's just WAY too early to make a decision one way or the other. I'm still figuring out how I feel, and I am trustworthy. I won't abuse what they've told me, I just feel like these guys are developing a bond with me due to telling me all their secrets."

 

As long as they understand this is way early in the dating phase and you are seeing other guys and have not entered into exclusivity with anyone else, you should be fine. They can decide if they want to continue or to bail.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Oh wow...talk about a coincidence...the woman I started seeing, after our 2nd date...she would say, "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but..." said this quite a few times, too.

 

And it wasn't anything anatomical or sexual, just other personal stuff.

 

Women tend to feel so comfortable with me that they can open up to me like this...but I, in kind, open up to them...at least they are bringing their walls down. Usually I see this as a good sign.

 

Okay, so I've been actively dating several guys lately. I have this thing where people naturally view me as trustworthy and open up to me really easily. This has never been a bad thing. However, I've never dated multiple people at the same time. In the past, I was usually dating one guy, they'd open up to me really quickly (within the first 2 dates) and we'd slowly progress to something deeper like a relationship.

 

I am a very open person. I rarely remain guarded on subjects so opening up to people about my life DOES NOT make me feel vulnerable. However, I went on a 2nd date with a guy. He opened up and told me something really personal and before hand said something like ("OMG, I can't believe I'm about to tell you this. I've never told anyone outside of my family this...). I am trustworthy and have no issue with this but from my experience guys get really attached when these things happen. The other guy I'm dating did the same thing on our last date. I slept over (no sex yet) and he was practically shaking when opening up to me, being emotional and telling me tragic stories. He's a very stoic guy who has a history of being a player, so this was very unusual for him.

 

I also have a guy friend that I'm currently confused about who has been being incredibly open and emotional with me... and seems to be slowly developing feelings for me. I am NOT asking these guys to be open. They are just letting their guard down and telling me their secrets and everything.

 

I'm just curious about how people roll with this? My issue and concerns are if all these guys may be getting really attached to me with all this openness. In terms of MY feelings... it's just WAY too early to make a decision one way or the other. I'm still figuring out how I feel, and I am trustworthy. I won't abuse what they've told me, I just feel like these guys are developing a bond with me due to telling me all their secrets. I also spend a great deal of time with each guy on every date (this is NOT unusual or rare for me but for these guys it seems like it is).

 

And again I'm not planning this. I could be asking them something normal like, "Oh are your grandparents still around" which becomes the beginning of some story that they rarely share with anyone. Again, this happens with friends and strangers all the time so this is normal for me, I just feel a bit weird with it happening with guys I'm dating, since I feel an attachment is forming on their end that maybe shouldn't, especially this early.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I usually don't "open up" to a woman that I'm dating, unless I'm feeling a connection with them and usually by date 2 or 3...it would get to that point of talking about "deep" things.

 

Personally, I do not think it's too soon, but I guess for some it is? It's all relative, but I take it as a good sign.

 

Although, I've known women to open up to me like that, I'd get the warm fuzzies as I feel it's a good sign we're going somewhere with our dating, and then they just fall off the face of the Earth. It can be hurtful, but in this modern day of dating, people have a hard time dealing with emotions and not mature enough to handle them nor likely have a good track record of close relationships. The walls are always up with some or get thrown BACK up as if they had regret telling me what they said the other evening.

 

For some reason that happens to me a bit too. I don't know if I come across as overly friendly or maybe seem like a therapist or what it is. I don't ever ask deep questions, but somehow I get into these talks about the person's feelings way too soon. I'm honest about myself too, but nothing so personal that I've never told anyone.

 

None of these relationships have worked so I'm still dating. I've found that by the guy opening up like that we sort of become friends which is ok. Most of the guys I go out with I will only see a few times before deciding we won't work out (I meet guys online and that's just the way things work), so I don't have some huge break up and it transitions from dates to friendship often.

[kumar123]

I usually don't "open up" to a woman that I'm dating, unless I'm feeling a connection with them and usually by date 2 or 3...it would get to that point of talking about "deep" things.

 

Personally, I do not think it's too soon, but I guess for some it is? It's all relative, but I take it as a good sign.

 

Although, I've known women to open up to me like that, I'd get the warm fuzzies as I feel it's a good sign we're going somewhere with our dating, and then they just fall off the face of the Earth. It can be hurtful, but in this modern day of dating, people have a hard time dealing with emotions and not mature enough to handle them nor likely have a good track record of close relationships. The walls are always up with some or get thrown BACK up as if they had regret telling me what they said the other evening.

 

Thank you. I'll take it as a good sign. To me openness is something I do view as a gift from someone... it just feels really odd experiencing that with several guys at once. I'm sorry to hear some women dropped off after that. It's kinda sad. I know what you mean. One of the guys really opened up, and started distancing himself after a couple of days. It was pretty obvious but I've been busy and after a week of just letting him be he's back to calling me and looking forward to the next date.

 

The other one also does not have a good track record of close relationships so he's made it obvious that he's freaking out about this whole thing and what it all means. But he keeps wanting to spend a crazy amount of time with me so who knows.

 

But you are right, it is all relative. And I'll try mentioning them that I'm still figuring out my feelings but ironically with all this talk about openness, the conversation about MY feelings seems to not be coming up haha

[GemmaUK]

I am also someone whom people open up to early on and I like that people feel comfortable enough to do that generally.

 

 

In dating it can be quite useful for sussing people out and whether they are someone you would want to date or not if you can read between the lines.

 

 

I can imagine it must feel quite over whelming that they are all opening up though. That could be quite a lot of heavy stuff on your shoulders as well as the feeling that they might be bonding fast.

[Gaeta]

Yet, these guys are getting really heavy and deep, and it feels like they are all forming some attachment (I could be wrong, hopefully I am!). I'm not sure of my feelings so I'd like to keep dating them all to figure it out but the more dates we go on, the heavier things seem to get with conversations and closeness.

 

It's their problem for getting attached too quickly, not yours. I am pretty certain they confine in most women they meet. When a man poors his heart to me on a 1st date it makes me think they need a shrink, not a girlfriend.

 

At the risk of coming across as judgemental if you multi date you should not stay overnight at these men's house. Sleeping next to someone is a way of speeding up connection and intimacy. How would you feel if one of those men you date slept next to another woman the night before your date. Not cool.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Again, it's all really subjective. The recent woman I met we were both opening up to each other somewhat equally as we had spent hours in our initial meet getting to know each other.

 

Also, isn't this part of the "getting to know you process"? At least so I would think. I know of people that hit it off rather quickly, bonded within a few dates, and married a year later...also had been in such a marriage for decades, so obviously a shrink isn't involved in this case, but I think some people fear this "opening up" (from the other person) as they have their own walls up and not willing to bond in a sense.

Also, if there is an attraction, there is a higher likely hood of bonding or an revealing of certain deep conversations and some people cannot handle that.

 

So it's all relative really.

 

The last woman I was seeing kept saying, "I can't believe I'm telling you this" and I said, "It's alright, you can tell me." She mentioned she also feels a level of trustworthiness and communication from me which is key to a successful relationship. In fact, I would think the OP's situation would rather be even a pre-requisite to getting to know each other if there is a romantic interest involved.

[Versacehottie]

it's just WAY too early to make a decision one way or the other. I'm still figuring out how I feel, and I am trustworthy. I won't abuse what they've told me.

 

well this happens to me too. I think all you have to do is keep to your word with the quote from your OP. You can't really control those moments when people start spilling things toward you and you don't have to be the keeper of all things in the universe. It's just too much to control and handle. I think until they ask you for something you need to make a decision on (being exclusive, etc) then this is how they want to date you. And if it's unique to the way the comes up in your interactions, well that's a positive.

 

The only thing I think you could/should do is that if you truly believe their openness means their feelings are speeding up and getting serious, and you do care about them, try to make a self-check to see if you can figure out if your feelings will ever have the potential of being serious. If the answer is no, then let them go. If you still can't decide or it's maybe, you should keep dating. If it's a still can't decide, try to pull back to figure out the answer some more on your end and slow it down. Good luck

[Gaeta]

I have an ex boyfriend that went through a horrific childhood. The type you see on the 6 o'clock news, chained up in a closet, underfed, beat up, etc. If he had told me this on our 1st or 2nd date I would have went 'wow I am sorry' and I would have felt bad for the guy of course but no more. When he told me after 3 months dating I was able to truly and sincerely connect and show sincere empathy. I was also able to discuss the matter with him in depth which I would not have been able at that level with a stranger.