whatnowforus Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Will try to keep this short and please sensible advice only as first time on a forum like this but at wits end. Ages - 29 and 31. Story we met and everything has been amazing, i had my own place and she had a mortgage from previous partner but its in her name now. For xmas she had a key cut and we have been speaking children, we'd been sensible and wrote down a plan for ourselves. Which included 'move in together around march 2015'. Anyway the landlord at my property decided he wanted to re decorate to rent it out for more which left me homeless once my months notice was up end of October 2014. My parents said i could stay with them until me and girlfriend was ready to move in together so i agreed to leave flat end of October feeling life was going in right direction, girlfriend was excited so was I. As my lease came to an end my parents decided they couldn't handle having me back there which i kind of dont blame as theyre in 50's and im 31 so i told girlfriend 'i cant go to parents theyve said they dont want it all and think we should bite bullet and go for it together, i hate how theyre making this decision for us but what do you think?' she agreed 'ok lets just do it' we spoke i said 'are you sure because dont want to ruin this' and WE decided yes lets do it. We then went away in December together and I proposed WE was happy. Christmas was fine together probably best ive had in ages then NYE we had a fall out, first big one since living together and.... by new years day i was in a hotel because she didnt want me there. I explained that whilever it was okay when we lived apart to need space after an argument unfortunatley it doesnt work that way when live together because it leaves me with knowhere to go. Ever since i have been back and ultimatley been throw out again. She says if we waited till she was ready as planned we'd be ok but it was rushed, she doesnt want me there and basically is asking me to get a flat again on another lease costing me a fortune and moving all details back to own address and all this rather than just getting on and thinks if we do that we will be ok to move in together at a later date when both ready. Now im annoyed, because to me it wasnt rushed or forced it was something we discussed and both agreed we wanted, yes its earlier than expected but ive said 'if im getting my own place again id rather just be single and start again because dont see a future in us' she says im issuing ultimatums and will not have me back just as a threat to save relationship. We are in a mess because i wont budge and feel im right in saying as an engaged couple who spoke children if we cant live together now whats the point in 6 months time after all that expense to myself, im angry that it feels weve gone from living together and engaged too dating again. or am i just selfish as she suggests for not doing what she wants? thoughts? because talking together we are getting knowwhere and all she says is if we make up and try again she doesnt want me moving back just yet. feel its all on her terms and i feel confused and fed up of going along with it all while it feels shes deciding my life and everything we should be doing. Edited February 8, 2015 by whatnowforus
Author whatnowforus Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Just silly things, the big one was about me becoming lazy, yet tried to explain im not lazy its just when you live together im not coming up for dates everyday its just normal life to want to come back from work and sit down. What have the arguments been about?
GemmaUK Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Just silly things, the big one was about me becoming lazy, yet tried to explain im not lazy its just when you live together im not coming up for dates everyday its just normal life to want to come back from work and sit down. How often do you have date nights? Most people do just want to get home and sit down but the reality is on non date nights that there's things that generally need doing and sitting down has to wait until after chores are done.
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 You cannot come home and just sit. You do as you wish when you live alone but when you live together in a relationship you need to pull your own weight and help with dinner, dishes, laundry, errands and stuff. If you did nothing of that I can see why she asked you to leave especially if you have been talking about having children, she probably sees herself doing it all by your self while you 'sit' after work. Is it possible that is why your parents changed their mind about having you there? You don't pick up after yourself?
Author whatnowforus Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Wouldn't say im a slob as have a very active job and lifestyle but after work i do just like to sit down and relax, maybe I was being a bit selfish still expecting it to be so easy.
Snow_Queen Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Perhaps you should plan to do something together when you get home...like make dinner. Plan date nights or just snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie. Relationships take work and this is a good taste of what married life will be like. Just because you're both under the same roof doesn't mean less effort should be made. On the other hand, I do believe she is trying to place the blame on you since things are not working out now. Saying she felt rushed is not an excuse in my eyes as she could have said no to moving in so soon.
Author whatnowforus Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 That was my only point, the question was would anyone willingly move out and continue the relationship or just accept it didnt work and move on as i suggesteD? Perhaps you should plan to do something together when you get home...like make dinner. Plan date nights or just snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie. Relationships take work and this is a good taste of what married life will be like. Just because you're both under the same roof doesn't mean less effort should be made. On the other hand, I do believe she is trying to place the blame on you since things are not working out now. Saying she felt rushed is not an excuse in my eyes as she could have said no to moving in so soon.
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Wouldn't say im a slob as have a very active job and lifestyle but after work i do just like to sit down and relax, maybe I was being a bit selfish still expecting it to be so easy. There ya go! She told you exactly why she wanted you out. I am sure she even gave you a list of things you don't do and she would have wanted help with. You minimized it as being small stuffs. It may be small to you but it's big to her, big enough to ask you to go. If you want a relationship to work you cannot minimize or dismiss what your partner is telling you. If these things are indeed small in your eyes than what's the big deal about getting them done? If you feel she expects too much then negotiate and come to an agreement that pleases both of you. You give her a date night per week and she gives you a lazy night per week type of agreement. 1
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 the question was would anyone willingly move out and continue the relationship or just accept it didnt work and move on as i suggesteD? Move out and both attend pre-marital classes before engaging in a marriage and children.
Snow_Queen Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 It depends on how you really feel about the relationship. At my age, I simply move on if it isn't working so I can have the chance to meet the person. It sounds like you made your decision but if you feel it's worth the extra effort then don't give up. Otherwise, move on and find what you really want in someone. I'd say think it over before deciding unless you already feel very unhappy with her.
GemmaUK Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Wouldn't say im a slob as have a very active job and lifestyle but after work i do just like to sit down and relax, maybe I was being a bit selfish still expecting it to be so easy. Does your partner not work? When myself and my ex lived together we would not have lasted as long as we did if he got home and sat down. If we had moved in and that is what he had done I would likely do as your gf is suggesting and move out again and see how the RS evolves over a longer period of time. Living together is team work and I would want to see that my guy is a team player before I would be happy moving in with him. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I don't see where pushing the time table up 6 months could have ruined everything my making her feel rushed. If you had already been talking marriage & kids, that is just an excuse. Something else had to have changed. Your attitude that you moved in with her to save money & your complaints about how much your current lease is costing you, make this more about money then love. Moving in together for financial reasons rather than it being the next step in the evolution of your commitment is a problem that usually leads to the demise of the relationship. If you want the relationship to work, slow it down. Move back out, if you haven't already, and go back to romance. Seriously discuss with her whether you will marry. What are both of your expectations? She had one vision of what living together would look like & you had another. While you wanted to sit after a long day at work, she wanted something else. Until you know exactly what she expected as well as if you want to & can give that to her, you two will not make progress. 3
Versacehottie Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 i agree with donavain. When I read your story, i just heard you complaining about the practicalities of it all rather than "i can't live without her, she is the love of my life". I would say move out and start over--with her--if you believe she is the one or just start over in general. I don't know, but the way the story reads I'm guessing you two are probably incompatible. There doesn't sound like there is some big misunderstanding--it just sounds like she discovered it's not going to work for her and maybe you are just a bit behind her figuring out the same thing. You are both digging your heels in after something you're characterizing as "not a big deal" but clearly the results and positions you've taken are making it a big deal. Doesn't sound good for the future. Sorry.
Author whatnowforus Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 All I can say as an update is this, around 2 hours ago we spoke and she's ended it. Ended the engagement after just 2 months and ended the entire relationship. How can someone seriously go from talking children 2 weeks ago with me in NEXT looking at clothes as a friend of mine has a new born, say yes to marrying me then within a month choose to never see me ever again absolutley devastated
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I am very sorry. Something definitely happened. Usually when someone makes a sudden turn around like this it's because someone else came in the picture. Women don't give up this easily on a man they love.
Author whatnowforus Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Dont even want to imagine there is anyone else and really dont think shes the type to be like that (obviously never know). She had been distant for a month and when she asked me to do things id always say i was at work because stupidly hoped she'd miss me enough to want me more. Backfired I am very sorry. Something definitely happened. Usually when someone makes a sudden turn around like this it's because someone else came in the picture. Women don't give up this easily on a man they love.
GemmaUK Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Sorry that has happened OP. To be honest and if I were in her shoes I would have caught a glimpse into my possible future. I would have liked to have seen my man able to take responsibility for himself. Perhaps there was another reason aside from funds that you didn't choose to find a short term renewable lease while you were getting to know each other. I would be curious as to why your parents wouldn't let you stay for a short term. Also though, if I found we were not living together as a team that would be the nail in the coffin for me. It wouldn't have anything to do with another man. I think she just realised you were incompatible. 1
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