Will he leave -- It has been two years?

[kjblondie]

HELP HELP HELP

 

I feel like jumping off a bridge. It has been two years with a MM. He repeatedly tells me he loves me and is in love with me. I have more time with him than his wife. Does she know --- I don't know. I know she suspects.

 

He says he only wants to be with me. He says he is leaving. I ask when and have asked when for two years and all I hear is soon. This is crazy --- I love him more than life itself. He is destroying me. Please, I am crying out --- can someone say something to help me get away from him. What do you think -- If it has been two years what are the chances of him leaving? Do I have any hope to hold on to? He says all the right things and spends almost every evening during the week with me and almost every Friday night until Saturday morning. I do not know how he gets away with it.

 

Am I holding on to false hope? I know I am rambling here --- Will I never know if he would have left if I walk away?

 

Just one more thing --- He says he loves his wife but is not in love with her -- He has two small kids -- Has been married for 23 years --- Has a beautiful home that is paid for --- Has a 80,000 a year job. I am just a fool aren't I?

[Marie1973]

Hello

 

I am in the same position as u. Mine is supposed to leave this weekend.

He also has 2 kids 16 & 17.

Has been married for 24 years.

Says he doens;'t love his wife anymore, they just exist!

He lives in a $800,000 house & has a shore house too

He is the V.P of my company & makes $240,000 a year.

 

But that is not why i love him. All that is material stuff I am financial secure myself. I have never such a love relationship as i have with him..I can't picture myself without him in it!!

 

I have been dating my MM for 2 1/2 years now. We have a 21 year age gap, but age is just a number to me, the First 6 months i was unsure due to the age difference , but now love him more than life itself.

 

Its pretty serious now, we just got an apartment, but i will not move in until he does & leaves his wife. I have been waiting months for him to leave & it all comes down to this weekend. He says he is leaving tomorrow.

 

 

But i am to the point that if he doesn't leave this weekend, i am walking away. If he doesn't do it now, he will never do it in my mind. I can't go threw this feeling every month that i am waiting him to leave. I have to walk away & show him that he will lose me if he doesn't move.

 

Its going to kill me if i lose him, but walking away is something i must do if he doesn't leave. I have to get on with my life even if it kills me. I am sooooooo scared u have no idea.

 

But I look at it this way, if he really loves me as much as he says, then he will leave.

 

Maybe we exchange e-mails & support each other, let me know. Hang in there girl!!

[joodee]

My MM has been married for 21, 22 years, has two kids, 13 and 18, hasn't lived with his wife for over 7 years, and like you, I used to be with him almost every night, spending the night all the time, all weekends, etc...and I've been seeing him on and off for over a year and a half.

 

He kept telling me he loved me, will file, etc., but still no action. He says he doesn't love W, but I know she still loves him, don't know what he's saying to her...the chances of him leaving a comfy situation is slim to none, he is having his cake and eating it too, he won't leave cause his marriage is now tolerable thanks to women like us...

 

For the past three weeks I have barely spoken with him because I said I couldn't do this anymore, too depressing, best to take a break until divorce/action is done. His response???? "I can't make promises, but I hope you'll be there when I do..." more excuses. So I'm trying like heck to stay away.

 

I constantly worry now that since I am standing my ground he will not come back. However, if he really meant all the crap he said, action will soon follow, otherwise, I was just another mistress, easily replacedou (he likes to hide other women from me as well, and I found out he lied about how his wife feels about him).

 

Hope some of this helps, your story sounds so similar to mine and many I've heard.

[RecordProducer]

Girls, the solution to your problem is very simple: give him an ultimatum. He either leaves his wife or you break up with him. And stop any contact whatsoever. Don't even pick up the phone or answer his emails until he files for divorce and shows you the paper!

If he doesn't leave his wife, you will most likely not go back to his arms. Now you think you can't live without him, but you can. Love has this feature to make you think that you can't live without someone one day, but a few years later the thought of that very same person might make you feel sick.

These guys are way too comfortable with their lives. They have everything: good jobs, nice houses, wives, kids, and mistresses. Why change anything? They will lead you on for years until you get really tired of the relationship.

They say the right things, of course. But do the wrong things.

[lynnered]

I ask when and have asked when for two years and all I hear is soon. This is crazy --- I love him more than life itself. He is destroying me. Please, I am crying out --- can someone say something to help me get away from him. What do you think -- If it has been two years what are the chances of him leaving? Do I have any hope to hold on to? He says all the right things and spends almost every evening during the week with me and almost every Friday night until Saturday morning. I do not know how he gets away with it. "

 

similar to my situation but the differences,

i never pressured him 2 leave ,after 2 years into situation ,i started to realize i couldn't stay, i know ,he loves me ,is not happy with her ,but he will truly be leaving for him,also even though he is not happy,he is is comfortable,and if you stick around all you are doing is prolonging him leaving ,

for me i was involved with MM/XMM for almost 4 years about 2 months ago,i iniated NC ,i told him to call me when he gates a legal separation(in my state you have to be separated 1 year before final D),well a month into that he starts texting &IMING,

i feel I'm closer to him leaving ,i told him im not asking you to leave,I'm telling you I CANNOT STAY,as long as you are married ,

brief background he got married ,because she was preg ,me &him were friends ,2years before A began ,

anyway i liked what record producer said,

and i do wish i did this sooner ,

i hope for the best ,as i do love him,and i know he loves me,

but i plan for the worst ,

right now is about me ,please don't waste anymore time ,

at 2-2 1/2 years i did a few failed NC,

do it now because even if he truly is sincere it will take time for him to get it together to leave ,and the soon thing ?

don't know how many times I've heard that ,

he wants to see me he misses me ,needs me in his life,misses my comfort,that I'm positive &honest ,give great massage amoung other things LOL,

you know what i say???

soon ,one day

most people don't realize what they have until its not around ,

and if you stay?

no reason for him to leave ,

keep doing what your doing,

and you'll keep getting what your getting !

good luck sweetie!!

[Guest]

It must really suck to be the OW. I couldn't imagine going through this on a daily basis. I wish you ladies could find the strength and courage to leave these MM and find a SG. You have been waisting so much time w/ the MM. Mr. Right could of past you by and you could of been with someone that truley loved you rather than waiting around for years for your mm to leave his W. What a waist!

[curiousnycgirl]

Marie1973 you seriously need to think about what you want out of life. Do you think this man will leave his wife and start a completely new life with you? Do you want kids? If so do you think he's going to want to go through all that again? Have you discussed it?

 

If not - you really need to. If he says yes - you need to figure out if you really believe that!!! Along with do you believe he will really leave, etc.

 

Sorry to be harsh - but you need to figure out if you are simply wasting your time!

[RecordProducer]

Lynn is right that the mistress helps them endure the marriage boredom. They feel comfortable, because they have a great hobby outside the marriage. Plus hurting their wives and kids, splitting all assets in two, and disappointing the friends and family is not what these cheaters dream about. Breaking a very comfortable life (no matter how many times they have said that it's a nightmare to not be with you) and starting everything all over again with another woman is too much a pain in the neck for them.

They know that love fades away; just like it once faded away with their wives, it will again with the new woman. And while your lives are on hold and your hearts are bleeding when they go back to their wives, they enjoy their double lives. They have exciting sex and companionship with you, but no plans for the future whatsoever, unless they really leave now.

Two years is way too long a period to not make up your mind. They will make empty promises just to keep the fire burning. They know that some day you'll give up waiting and you'll ditch them. They count on that actually. Sometimes men behave as if they are in love, because everything in the relationship is fine.

Stick to your ultimatum and stop being fools! You can only win the guys or stop wasting your time with them. In either case you'll be better off.

Finally, what makes you think that even if they divorce and marry you, they won't cheat on you too some day? Don't forget that they are liars! It costs them nothing to lie.

When people are in love and can't be with the ones they love, they are in agony. They will do anything to be with the ones they love. These men seem to have a lot of fun and no agony in their liveswhatsoever.

[Guest]

I don't think ultimatums are necessarily a good idea. No one likes an ultimatum forcing them to make a decision right now! Would you like having someone force an ultimatum on to you? I doubt it. You can be firm and set a date telling him that you're willing to wait until such & such time, for him to decide what & who he really wants and then stick by it, but don't just surprise him with a sudden ultimatum and expect it to go your way! Sorry, but that's my 2 cents!

[lynnered]

Originally posted by Guest

I don't think ultimatums are necessarily a good idea. No one likes an ultimatum forcing them to make a decision right now! Would you like having someone force an ultimatum on to you? I doubt it. You can be firm and set a date telling him that you're willing to wait until such & such time, for him to decide what & who he really wants and then stick by it, but don't just surprise him with a sudden ultimatum and expect it to go your way! Sorry, but that's my 2 cents!

its the same thing guest !!

my thing with MM was ,

I'm not asking you to leave,but i cant stay.

before that i gave him 1 year was supposed to be September,

i couldn't make it gave up in jan , same deal ,as long as you are with her , cannot be with you,&during last face to face he says,i thought you were giving me a year?i told him i gave you almost 4 years ,if you don't know by now i don't know what to tell you,

he starts IMING &emailing ,a month later

i NC several times before that last words always out of my mouth,

don't call until you get separated ,

he calls i give in ,

not this time ,

this morning he's IMING talk of future ,when can i see you,i need you ,i asked him is something wrong ,no i just need to talk to you ,your comfort ,your my counceler ,

guest i don't know if you've been in my shoes,if you have you would know its not all black &white ,

and if someone is telling you there leaving &you see nothing happening -

walk away ,

i know its not easy but these guys are selfish ,but from my experience ,

i learned they are as insecure as we are if not more,needy etc

and you talk about surprising him ,how fair is what the OW goes through ?

always being last on his list even though you treat him the best?

and the point I'm at ?

and if hes been saying he's going to leave should he really be surprised?

i 95% don't care if he leaves ,i love him yes (thats the 5%),

for the most part I'm emotionally gone from him ,distance has /does not make my heart grow fonder &I'm happy about that ,

the longer im physically away ,the more i see things different ,

so i will continue to stay away ,

if he leaves yes i would give it a go,

if he doesn't in the next couple of months i will start dating again.

[guest]

I gave my husband an ulitmative, me or a D and the OW. He kept beating around the bush about it. One minute he told me he didn't think the marriage would work, and the next he would call and said he thought he made a mistake, BUT he continued to see the OW all along. I told him finally either he makes up his mind, me or the D and the OW. He chose D and the OW! But shortly after that, he came crawling back to me! What a waist of fricken money! Lawyer fees, taking her out to eat, ect. If he would of waited a little longer and stayed away from the OW and figured out what he wanted to do w/ his life he would of had a chance to think about what he wanted. I regret pushing him into making that choice but he chose to make it. Ya either want to work on the marriage or you don't, filing for a D and screwing someone else isn't going to make up your mind for you.

[westernxer]

You girls are playing with fire.

 

That's all I'm gonna say.

[RecordProducer]

Okay, let's talk about ultimatums and how you perform the show.

IT MEANS YOU LEAVE WITHOUT EXPLANATION!!!!!!!

They figure out why you left. They call you and beg. You hang up and don't answer their emails. Until the day they show you they are LEGALLY SEPARATED! (show you the paper, not tell you it's coming soon). You never ever mention the word 'divorce' and his wife. You simply slam the door and wait until they are yours.

If that doesn't work, then you have to pray for a miracle. Or get pregnant and risk to raise a child without a father. But the point is that they need to do what is right. Only that way they can show you that they are worth something. So far they have just shown that they are cheaters and liars.

[Miffy]

Love is like a drug, the trouble is sometimes that you just want the fix without looking at whether you should actually be taking the drug.

 

Someone summed it up well on here saying you feel like you can't live without someone one day then the next year you wonder what you ever saw in the jerk.

 

I read a good self help thing the other day which said write down a list of bad things that happened in your life down the left of a page then next to each write down what that bad thing opened up in your life eg lost your job, gave an opening for a better job. I am a firm believer that **** happens for a reason, to teach someone something, to give you an opening for something better.

 

No-one should ever seriously think of jumping of a bridge because of someone else, you are in control of your emotions - only you can feel the way you feel - no-one can make you feel a certain way if you choose not to.

 

A lot of people are just in lust, not love but the emotions are similar sometimes. It is your ego and self esteem that hurts you, not the other persons actions.

 

You have to assess the goods and bad of your relationship and if the bad outweighs the good, get the hell out and give yourself an opening for something new to come along.

[Mom4]

Girls, you don't deserve this. These MM's wives don't deserve this. These men are selfish and weak. Be strong. It won't be a bed of roses either if they leave their wives. Think of what the reality will be. I think that you both should walk away in a mature manner with your heads high!!! Find something positive to focus on... like someone said.."While you have been wasting time the best thing may have passed you by!" Don't let that happen anymore.. take charge of your own lives. I know you will shed tears and feel like life is over but it WON"T be! You will be so proud of yourselves if you regroup, refocus, and treat yourselves the way you should be treated. Not hidden. Look in the mirror... are you honestly happy with this situation? Make yourselves happy! Don't wait on these men to make you happy. They won't... they truly are more worried about themselves.

[BAKUNIN]

But have you made him this same question?

[Miffy]

Just following this topic with interest and sorry I did not understand your question Bakunin - perhaps it just that it is at the top of a new page or maybe it's just me?

[BAKUNIN]

Miffy:

I meant : why doesn`t she ask him .HEY IT HAS BEEN 2 YEARS SO FOAR ...WILL YOU LEAVE?

[Miffy]

Oh I see, makes sense now, thanks.

[manders_01]

Originally posted by joodee

My MM has been married for 21, 22 years, has two kids, 13 and 18, hasn't lived with his wife for over 7 years

 

If he truly hasn't lived with his wife for 7 years, than it really doesn't matter if they are divorced or not. They aren't married, they are in a legal binding relationship. For whatever reason that he hasn't filed for divorce (some people may not be financially sound enough, no matter how much they make - property, children, etc. can be a major factor), but that doesn't mean he's still in love with his wife. If no attempt of reconcilation has happened in 7 years, either it's never going to or one of them is in a coma.

[lostmylogin]

will tell you girl this as a piece of advice- I have been coming here for over 2 years- my situation was not much different. I was in love with a "commited" man he is 20 years old. We had an affair for over 2 years. His S.O. did find out about a year ago and they decided to work it out. I moved on with my life- VERY hard thing to do-

Then 8 months later he came back realizing the mistake he had made. I'm not saying that always happens. We are together now- but there are trust issues. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE TRUST ISSUES. KNOW what you are getting into here - as in be careful what you wish for. Once you get it the water on the bridge my cause a strong current that you may not know how to handle day in and day out. Meaning if he did it to one - will he do it to me?

 

My advice- as hard as it is WALK AWAY!!!! If they truely love you as they say and you are not just a play thing they will come around. Otherwise you may end up like a VERY good friend of mine that waited for 15YEARS!!!!!!! She waited and now in her 40's he sucked her youth from her and is STILL married.

 

Just my 2 cents

[joodee]

Originally posted by manders_01

If he truly hasn't lived with his wife for 7 years, than it really doesn't matter if they are divorced or not. They aren't married, they are in a legal binding relationship. For whatever reason that he hasn't filed for divorce (some people may not be financially sound enough, no matter how much they make - property, children, etc. can be a major factor), but that doesn't mean he's still in love with his wife. If no attempt of reconcilation has happened in 7 years, either it's never going to or one of them is in a coma.

 

I just read this after not visiting this site for a few days (working alot), I didn't look at it in this way. Don't know if it makes the whole situation any easier, but I do appreciate this observation. Who knows, maybe they are both in a coma and need to "wake up," both he and his W. But I sure don't want the life sucked out of me because they both are in the world of indecision.

[lindya]

The ideal audience for "my wife doesn't understand me" is insecure, competitive and easily manipulated into seeing "the wife" as being nothing more than an unworthy rival for the desired man's attentions. Being the other woman, you develop into the role of vulture - hovering perpetually and unhappily, but with undying hope, above someone else's relationship. Allowing him to brainwash you into believing that you truly are star-crossed lovers, you allow the man to use you partly for fun and partly to retain a power imbalance in his marriage.

 

Not you? Then give the guy an ultimatum and stick to it.

[cheatersrsad]

Surely you are asking that question "tongue in cheek." @ years and he's still saying "soon"...get a clue. He has a wife, nice house, and good job. Why divorce, lose everything and gain you full-time when he already has you part-time with time for rest in-between his two women?

[phillygirl63]

Hello,

 

I thought maybe you'd like some insight from an actual "w" of a "mm" who was having an affair with an "ow". I found out thanks to a lovely phone call I received from the ow. She asked for my husband (she called our land line even though she had his cell #) and then when I told her he wasn't home and could I take a message she told me to "ask my husband about her" and then hung up. I had been relatively clueless to this point about his affair although when I look back there were definitely clues there. I confronted my husband when he came back and he admitted he was seeing someone. A younger woman from work. I demanded he give me his email password and went right up to the computer. I looked at their email exchanges and was quite surprised to find out that according to my husband we hadn't slept as man and wife for quite some time (was that another man I was making love to the night before?), our marriage was a complete sham (why take me to NYC the w/e before and lavish me with gifts to celebrate our 15th), that I was a tyrant at home and very demanding (excuse me - I thought we made all the decisions together) and that he was going to be leaving me in a few months. Well, he didn't need to wait a few months, I packed his bag that night. Did he go to the ow? Of course not, he went to his mother's house and called me continually all night and day for several weeks until I agreed to go to a marriage counselor. He begged me to let him come back. You see, he could not live without me and the kids and he had no intention of ever leaving me for the ow. He was going through a mid-life thing and she gave him the attention that unfortunately I could not because I was busy raising his children and running his house. He got a big dose of reality and realized what he was risking by having an affair. He transferred immediately from his job and never contacted the other woman again - even changing his cell phone #. One thing was very obvious to me...she meant nothing to him. He did not blink an eye about giving her up at all.

 

Ladies, I am not trying to be cruel. I don't blame you at all. You're not the one who is breaking the vows of marriage. But don't waste your time with these men. They are not going to leave their wives. And they are not living as strangers with them. They are loving them, caring for them, sharing holidays with them, raising children with them, making love with them. 9 our of 10 of them would be devastated if their wives would leave them. You are just a little excitement for them in their normal, middle aged lives. You deserve better.

 

It's been two years since I found out about my husband's affair. We've been in counseling and it's been wonderful. While I don't condone his behavior I do have an understanding of how it developed. I trust him when he says it won't happen again. And I know that he trusts me when I say that absolutely he's allowed only one strike out. I wish each and every one of you happiness and love with a nice SINGLE man!