Ultrax Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Hey Guys! Super sorry for the long post, its a long story but I would appreciate any insight. So about a month ago I had a bit of a nasty break up with my first love. Things in University had been getting rather insane, keeping my 90+ % average was really taking a toll on my relationship and it was turning into a have sex and study afterwards thing (which was fine by me since I understood that for the most part relationships may fall into slumps especially when life gets crazy real, to me it was a rough patch that would soon be over once my ex transferred from her college to the my university). She lived in a suburb that was like a 30 minute drive from campus where I live, so I'd hardly consider it long distance. Just a little background info so you guys can see where I'm coming from. Anyways, our relationship had generally been great, I truly did want to end it before leaving for Uni so I could experience that 'classic' university dorm experience but I went against my gut and let my gf convince me to stick around. Flash forward 1.5 years into the future and we broke up. Towards the end there had been a lot of fighting because for the most part I was distant due to my workload and she was doing poorly in her classes, her parents were being mean and so were her siblings, her job was rough...all in all her life was a mess and about every single day I was expected to help her get through it (which is what SO's are for). Eventually exams came around and her issues didn't stop, I told her (super lovingly/politely) that I know she can figure this out herself because she is smart and she just needs to be calm as it was always the same old school is stressful, family BS that we all deal without nervous breakdowns. Apparently that pushed her over the edge and she said she needed space...this was right before finals season so of course I was pissed off. 4 days later we reconcile and agree to act like everything is normal until winter break and we can talk about the future of the relationship when we hang out on Dec. 18th in the winter break. All is good, I study my butt off, get top class grades and I'm stoked, however she still felt that during finals I was too consumed with my life in Uni/ambition to be a doctor (she wants to be one too but she has no idea what its like in the big leagues where I am). So the day we talk we 'mutually' agree that its over because she is 'too high maintanence' (she said it herself), I'm just not there for her/consistent, dont want to open up to her about marriage and a future (we are 19 wtf???), she is going to be busy with professional cheerleading and a bunch of other reasons that have nothing to do with our relationship and my favourite: all we do is bang (very satisfying for both of us thats for sure) and study and that's just not what relationships should be about. We have 'breakup' sex one last time (stupid, I know now) and thats it, I figured it was civil and I leave. Next evening she is wasted at a friends party that I chose not to go to and is texting me "I love you, come to the party". I don't go, because a) im not in the mood, the breakup was upsetting and b) she has a tendency to piss me off when she's drunk. The day after the party she calls me and says we should hang out etc. have the break we would have had if we were together, stupid me gives in because I miss her emotionally and physically. All is semi-good, for about 2 weeks (but nothing felt the same, although somehow the sex was still unreal ). During those two weeks she just seemed to brush things off anytime I brought up the idea that I still care about her so it seemed as if the girl who was so obsessed with me would have moved the earth for me just didn't seem to care anymore (she was damn good at hiding it turns out). Anyways, we went out and had an amazing dinner date + movies and it was just like old times (she said the whole I love you, it was exactly like when things were perfect). We agree to hang out in 2 days, but the next day im with my buddies when one of them brings up how she was making out like crazy with this ugly dude at that party THE DAY AFTER WE BROKE UP. He helped her out because she was blackout drunk (pretty sure she puked at some point afterwards). Anyways at this point I get crazy mad at her over the phone because I would have wanted nothing to do with her if I had know she had done that and I didn't deserve to have that hidden from me (her excuse is I was scared you'd be upset and was going to tell me when we hung out next, yeah BS). After that I pretty much cut her off, here and there we would talk and at some point in that time span I was stupid enough to forget about the secrecy/anger and virtually beg her to consider letting us be together (my biggest mistake), she says no because she needs to figure out her life because she has no clue what she is doing (and feels like she is just out of highschool despite being 2 years into college....mind you this individual swayed MY decisions when we graduated from highschool so the hypocrisy angers me a lot). I tell her she has about 2 weeks to reconsider considering how dumb breaking up tis given that her grades will be good enough to get into my program in Uni (I'm way ahead in terms of getting in to medical school though, but going to the same uni would take a whole load of stress of the relationship)...she tells me she will keep it in mind, but I have to let her go. 2 weeks later she says she does want to try again when she gets accepted at which point I'm too hesitant given that her public indecency and subsequent secrecy was a bit too much for me to forgive without losing all my self respect + the respect of everyone who is helping me get through this. We agree not talk and she said she will do whatever it takes for me to be happy because she loves me .... 2 days we are talking again, I have an exam soon after that I arguably screw up, at this point I call her up and politely request that she block me from every form of contact and il do the same because I need to get on with my life and succeed academically, socially etc. We agree, but during the phone call every time I say we are done for good she insists that I stop saying that,as a result at this point its rather clear she will be back. After all, im a good looking dude (she is pretty, we are perfect for each other), I had been extremely faithful despite countless nights of getting wasted around girls in my dorm, wasn't abusive in any way but my flaw was I would get caught up in school work (to establish a good future for 'us'). We have been NC for 2 weeks now (at this point its been about 1ish months since the break up. With this info in mind would there be any point to ever getting back into a first relationship after its over? I hate the pain and loneliness right now, and doubt I'd be able to say no in my current state, any mature words of wisdom? I went against my gut for her once when I stuck around before freshman year and it didnt pay off in the long run (aside from the lessons learnt). Lately I have just been focusing on school, working out and trying to make/strengthen friendships (I was really silly and failed to really establish strong strong friendships because I was sinking all my energy into school, volunteering and my ex) so now I honestly feel more alone than ever. I'm getting out more, meeting new people and am honestly pretty social so having a good time aint too hard, but establishing strong bonds takes a lot of time and thinking to myself "it will happen eventually" isn't very consoling. Side note: about 2 years ago she got black out drunk and some ******* dude kissed her (and told me she kissed him back) SHE SWORE that she didn't kiss him back (means little given that she was blackout drunk). Once again this was a public embarrassment in highschool and people seemed to generally buy the guys story not hers. I got over it and forgave (after she begged and just did about everything humanly possible to regain my trust/forgiveness including not drinking for a long time) but when it happened to a worse degree the day after we broke up (again in front of my friends) i lost 100% of my trust for her (this conflicts with everything in my head/heart because as I said otherwise she moved the earth for me when she could and I know she loves me). She was also rather emotionally unstable, at one point I tried to help a friend out with something important, she got mad at me on the drive home because it cost her 10 minutes of time she wanted to spend with me and ended up driving recklessly with me and MY MOM in the car, it was crazy...should have walked away then LOL. With all this in mind, any reassurance on what I could do in the future if she does come back?? I know its not healthy to think about that but I do want to be prepared if the day comes, which I do believe it will because she made it clear that she misses me to death the last time we spoke and if a week of NC did that...what would a month do, especially with valentines and our 3 anniversary coming up. Thanks again guys, I look forward to hearing your thoughts. This is my first time and as someone who has always had their life together I feel like nothing is in my control anymore and I have never felt lower in my life.
Ieris Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I would say move on and date other people. If she was right for you, would you really be here asking this question? Don't settle on one girl as if you have no options, get out there and see what other choices you have. You will meet others more suitable and some less suitable but this all helps you define what you do want and don't want in a girl. A bit like shopping, you don't have to buy the first thing you like, take a good look at what else is on the market before choosing which one you want.
Author Ultrax Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it
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