Need advice Urgently!! Girlfriend just broke up with me, scared.

[Aguardiente83]

I'm new to this and I subscribed beacuse my girlfriend of three years Broke up with me about a week ago. Her reason for breaking up with me was because she was only 21 and she felt like she was already married, she said she was too young to be in such a serious relationship. Basically she said it wasn't me, that she didn't want to have a boyfriend at all, for atleast a year. Her other reason for breaking up with me was because since we were in such a serious relationship she never got to hang out with her friends and I was a typical guy and I didn't let her have guy friends: basically, any free time she had we spent together. I respected her decision (even though it came as a shock becuase I would always ask her "are you happy? is everything ok with us" and she would never has a complaint).

 

So of course I wanted to clear a whole bunch of things up and I started asking questions. She said that she just wanted to be friends with me and that I shouldn't expect to get back with her anytime soon. So I asked her what was gonna be the situation with her and other guys and she told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship but that if a guy did show intrest in her she wouldn't stop herself from talking to him.

 

I personally feel that there's already someone else in the picture, that some guy is telling her all these amazing things and she might have started thinging that the grass just might be greener on the other side. But then again I'm paranoid. I'd really like to think that she wants to break up so she can be an independent woman for a while since she never had the chance to beacuse we've been going out since she was 18. That would br fine with me, I would have no problem being her friend for a extended period of time so se can be independent and hang out with her friends and stuff, the only thing I'm not cool with is her not stoping herself from seeing other men, she said that she want's to see whats out there.

 

I talked to her the other day and I asked her if she thinks it worth it for me to stick around and she said, "don't ask me that question now because right now I'm on a roll" meaning she's having fun hanging out with her friends and doing as she pleases and then she said "right now if i had to answer that question i would say no, its not worth it for you to stick around, i'm saying this because we just started this whole break up thing and i'm likeing it, but you know how I am, i like being independent now but in two weeks i might feel too alone and not like being broken up at all, so don't ask me that question again for a while.

 

We've broken up in the past before, that time it was for the same reason as this time and that time she told me that she never want's to go out with me again and that it was y decision if i wanted to be her friend or not but that thats all that I'd ever be. I decided to be her friend, her real friend, and try to stop thinking about her in a romantic way. 3 weeks after that she started telling me that she missed me and this and that and we eventually got back together. So thats why I'm feeling optimistic about it but its hard cuz she so cold towards me right now and she's showing no sign of affection.

 

What i'd like to think is that she gonna take a month and she gonna hang out with her friends and like all friendships just start seeing eachother once in a while, cuz who's got time to see there friends more than once a week? and you know what, if she decides to talk to other guys thats fine too, cuz i'm a really good guy and it would be difficult for her to find another guy like me (i'm not cocky, i'm just a really good guy) but i'd just have to stop all comunication with her if she ever told me that she was actually dating someone, i just couldn't habdle it.

 

If someone could please give me advice on what to do i'd really appreciate it. Should i stick around and be her friend, should i distance myself from her, should i flirt with her and try to get her back, i'm really lost, and scared. Why is it that all the good guys end up getting dumpped. I bet if I was a jerk and cheated on her and hit her she would still be by my side.

 

Thanks

[Butterflye]

Hey there,

 

It seems to me that your ex has been thinking about this for some time, hence, why she is so calm and cool with the breakup. People, even if they are the dumper often take time to get used to things, accustomed to being single..the fact that she said she is "on a roll" kinda just looks like she's been thinking about this for some time, and was comfortable with it all before she even came to dumping you. (One thing also, asking if "things are OK" in ther relationship are unlikely to EVER get an honest response. Kinda like the question "What are you thinking?" What do you expect them to say?! It is only on rare occasions that the other person would turn around and say..well actually, now u mention it..!)

 

Anyway, I honestly thinkyou should do NC for at least a week. Let her have her fun, she's obviously enjoying it. If she values you as a friend or anything more, she should try and mae some effort with you. As you've said, you are a great guy and one thing about us women (as well as men), is we often take 'great' people for granted. Sometimes, it's better to not be soooo great, because otherwise you become too easy.

 

Let her have her space. Tell her if she calls that you are merely giving her the space she wants to be independant. Don't be mad/ emotional/ desperate...this NEVER looks good and will only make you look less attractive.

 

If she realises she's mae a mistake, she will come back, but jus because this happened before, don't count on it. I only say this, because my ex broke up with me once before saying h couldn't deal with a serious relationship, but then 3 weeks later told me how he missed me, wanted me back, etc and we got back together. This time though, no such luck!

 

So please don't count on her coming back, but tehre are definately things you can do to make it more likely! Be dignified, be calm, be strong. Noone finds it attractive when the other partner gets too emotional!! Sad, but true. Let her have her space and if she wants to be friends, by all means, go for it, but don't let her only use you as a back-up!

 

You have to remind her how amazing you are...she can't miss you unles u remove yourself and remember that true love, will alway come back

 

Hope that helps!

[Aguardiente83]

Thanks for the advice. I'm not gonna lie the first 2 or three days I was very emotional and said the usual stuff, "give me one more chance" and so on. After the initial shock I've been doing what you said, being cool about everything, if she only called me once a day I wouldn't even act like it bothered me, I would talk to her as I would to any other friend. This came naturally because I did this the last time she broke up with me. I'm trying to do what you said...putting myself in a mindset that she won't get back with me. If she does great, if not what can i do. I don't know if its me, tell me if i'm wrong, but i feel like she so cool about everything because of the "novelty" of being broken up. Its her first week as being independent and she's enjoying it. But i have a strong feeling that after a good couple of weeks to a month of not seeing me that much and hanging out with her friends she'll hopefully see what she let go. Is there any advise you can give me on her not stoping herself from talking to other guys even though she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship? Its really confusing for me. I guess I could handle her speaking to other guys that like her but I would never be able to cope with her actually dating someone.

[simon_uk]

Hiya mate! i admire your confidence in thinking that in a couple of weeks she will realize what she has lost, I hope she does mate for you, I really do. I know exactly how you are feeling, I lost my girlfriend last week and I am devastated, sometimes I think the same way that in a while she will realize what she has lost, but then I think well she obviously wasn't happy withme, the way I am, so why would she miss something that didnt make her happy. I mean initially I was her world and I am exactly the same person now as I was then so it is her that has changed obviously. I am the same person she fell in love with. She shouldn't try and change me because then I would be somebody else. Having said that I guess I am guilty of that with her, telling her I like her hair this way or that way or I like her in that dress but not this one. That is one of the things she didnt like, that she tried to please me as if I made her. Thats what people do in relationships they try to please the other person, almost becoming one person.

 

Try not to worry, easier said than done, I know because I am worrying more and more as the days go on. It is driving me crazy and I am usually quite a confident person. Not anymore though.

 

Good luck an dif you need to vent, come here!

 

Best Wishes

 

Simon

[Aguardiente83]

I haven't been keeping strict to NC. I don't call her or im her or do anything in which I initiate contact. But she calls me atleast twice a day and I talk to her, and its not for a sort eriod of time either. I speak to her as I would any other friend, I don't sound mad or sad, in fact I sound the exact opposite: making jokes, giving her advice about school and work, just being really lady back. Last night she called me and said she was thinking about me a lot at work. She works at a photography studio for children and she said that she thought about me a lot when see saw all these little babies. Basically trying to hint "it would be nice to have a child together". I made a joke about something to get off topic cuz I didn't want her to be playing games with me, i mean she broke up with me 5 days ago and she's already trying to say things to get me thinking. I thought she wanted me to forget about her in a romantic way but it seems like what I've been doing is working. Its not like i have a plan or am playing a game. I'm just doing what she asked me to do, be her friend. Should I keep on acting this way, by not paying attention or remarking when she attempts to be cute with me, or should I act the same way back?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just keep on acting like a 'friend'. The problem with post-breakup 'friends' is that they get to act this way toward you, but as soon as you start acting that way toward them, they suddenly aren't so 'friendly' anymore. Just keep it casual and ignore her comments, or just ask her to stop making them - after all, talk like that isn't appropriate for "just friends" and since that's what she said she wanted...

 

This is an interesting alternative to 'no contact' but it requires an iron will. You can be there and be her 'friend' but any attempts she makes to take it past a purely platonic level should be shut down immediately, and you will have to constantly and helpfully remind her that 'friends' means 'friends'. Under no circumstances should she be able to benefit from those things that a girlfriend would, nor should she feel she can continue to be an object of desire. You may want her back, but you just have to act like she's just any other dude you know and are friends with. Casual, friendly, courteous, emotionally indifferent, distant, and helpful only in the amount that you would be toward any other friend. If she mentions stuff like babies, marriage, or 'missing you' then change the subject or break off the conversation. Don't go out of your way for her, you aren't always there when she calls, and you live your dating life with absolutely no regard for what she thinks of it. Cut her completely out of your sexual and dating life and give her no reason to think she is ever going to be a part of it again. Don't over-compliment her, tell her she's sexy or any of the things you would do toward a girl you want to date. Keep her at a friendly, firm, firm, physically distant and platonic "just friends" arm's length. This will provide her with no room to sit on the fence. She's either in or she's out and there's no middle ground left in which she can use you.

 

I'm sure you've heard "be careful what you wish for" - well, she wished for "just friends" so you can give her "just friends" with both barrels. Is that wrong? Nope. She wanted 'just friends' so that's all she should get.

 

If she decides she is not happy with this and tells you that she misses you as a boyfriend, then you can let her know you are more than happy to talk about it: but not as "just friends". You get to benefit from her company, and she will be faced with a decision: come back to you as a girlfriend, or continue to be shut off from you emotionally.

[greenhorn]

Great advice, I fully agree with Lucrezia in this.

 

According to me it is very hard to be friends with someone you loved but even for some reason you must, then it should be like this, rather than "no-strings-attached-boyfriend-like-friend".

[Aguardiente83]

I'm Ok with doing that and being just her friend, I don't plan on telling her my sexual or dating life cuz i don't plan on having one for a while, I just want to be alone. I just feel like id I'm too cold and I don't show some type of affection she'll be like "well it seems like he's gotten over me and forgotten about me in a romatic way so I should do th same". I don't want her to forget about me cuz it seems like I've gotten over her. I do agree with the point that I shouldn't be available all the time, I'll try not to pick up every time she calls, but what should i do about her advances?

[greenhorn]

Has she given you any comeback option ?? If not then don't think about it..

 

The problem for being like "boyfriend-like-friend" is that she is getting all that she wants without any commitment or without any strings and there is no one in this world who would not savour this kinda relationship.

 

If I get a girlfriend like friend I would be most happy to have her that way.Don't you see this way you are making the chances of her getting back more remote.

[Aguardiente83]

She has given me a comback option, the thing is every time she does I change the subject, like the dabefore yesterday she said she was thinking about me a lot that day: I changed the subject, should I have asked her why? Another thing, today she told me that she still wanted to go a concert that we had planned to go before she broke up with me, I said i still wanted to go, was that wrong? Last question, I know how my ex is, we haven't hung out since the break up but we will soon, for some reason after a break up, the first time she sees me I think all her old feeling come back and she starts touching and trying to hold my hand and flirting, should I do the same, tell her that its not appropriate, or just ignore her?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Aguardiente83

she starts touching and trying to hold my hand and flirting, should I do the same, tell her that its not appropriate, or just ignore her?

 

If she isn't interested in dating you, then it is not fair for her to do this to you and you can let her know that either verbally, non-verbally or both if it comes to it. Just say, 'hey, I'm sorry but I can't deal with you doing this to me right now since we aren't together in that way anymore'. Or, if you prefer the non-verbal option, just physically distance yourself or take her hands off you. If she questions it, refer to the 'verbal' suggestion.

[shroomer007]

ok dude look i may only be 15 but i preety much just went through what you went through my girlfriend just broke up with me yesterday after a year alright she said she wasnt sure if she loved me or not i dont get it she might of been cheating on me because she kept talking about her friend thats a guy. my gf does do drugs. she told me she quit and last sat. she went to a party and that one guy was there. so i figure he pulled some romantic crap on her. ive lost my mind completely and i dont know if this will be of any help to you but man at lest you can hold a relationship for 3 years and deal with a break up im young and dont know what to do. Also att lest you can remain sane.