starmar Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I'm in my 30s and married really young (early 20s) Ive tried dating after the divorce and things have changed so much from when I was younger with online dating etc. I don't think I am going to do it again, officially throwing in the towel. It is a waste of time and energy. Case in point, you meet someone online start chatting, then move on to texting...then an occasional phone call. You go on a first date and it goes great but then they disappear or fade after the second or third or even the first (as just happened to me this weekend). Some guys are very open about wanting sex, or looking to "hook up" that is just not me. If anything, after spending so much time I would hope at least some type of friendship would have developed, but no. It seems like the connections are so shallow and the disappearing, or fading is so.... I don't know... cold? maybe? I deactivated the dating app. it is understandable that maybe one party thinks the date goes great and another doesn't. I get that, but it all seems so impersonal. And the question if there is something intrinsically wrong with me has popped up here and there. Maybe it is just not meant to be? I've read that we need to develop thicker skin when online dating.. but in my Carrie Bradshaw voice: I can't help but wonder.... is it even worth it. For the time being, I am taking a break from it. Sometimes it seems like staying married would have been a better option. Am I alone in feeling like this?
Dallers Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Giving up is the easy way out. Dating is no different to everything else in your life you are not giving up you are failing. Same outcome but a big difference. Failure is never an option. Dating is very hard these days. I'm 30 and I look back and consider if I should have settled down with my sweetheart at 20 instead of thinking I want to live first and then settle down. Online Dating is not only destroying the world of dating there are so many people with no people skills what so ever, insecurity and self esteem are rife. Taking a break is the best thing to do, I cycle my dating and it works very well. I ended up seeing 4 different girls last year and although they led to nothing it helped by dating over a 3 month period. I focus on me for 3 months and then get back in the game fresh as a daisy. Never be negative always brush it off otherwise posts like this happen. More and more people are looking for hook ups now and not relationships. You have to go through a look of bad eggs to find the good one. Good luck! Edited February 8, 2015 by Dallers 1
Eaglestar83 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Sad times indeed. Never mind people just disappearing after a date or two, you can date someone for months, do everything couples do and then suddenly they go cold out of the blue and leave you with no answers. People are no longer people, more like robots, very shallow, sex serves only one purpose of self gratification, no connection, no care 2
Author starmar Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 You know, I didn't see it as failing but you have a point. I am not good at this, at all. I'll try different things going forward, like joining interest groups or more activities in which I can meet people. I do better in person (I like to think at least lol) I could be wrong. I dated a guy when I was 18 and he was super outgoing, friendly, etc we lost touch and both were married and divorced, when we met each other again. Completely different experience. He hardly ever talks on the phone anymore...all conversation was via texting- it literally was like we were completely different people. Not sure if being older, and having had disappointments plays a role or if social media is making us less and less able to maintain "real life" relationships. We dated briefly, were never intimate back then but remained friends, we were cool- would talk on the phone, we would meet up when he was in town from school (he went to a college two towns over which was a reason why it didnt go further back then) but at least it was a *friendship* Maybe I just need to rearrange my expectations...
Eaglestar83 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 It's the new generation, Generation Y, you hear kids as young as 12 talking about their sex life, as they go along, from one body to another, through high school to college to the bachelor life, they develop a very casual, dry, cold and selfish attitude to dating, intimacy and relationship in general. 1
Dallers Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Sad times indeed. Never mind people just disappearing after a date or two, you can date someone for months, do everything couples do and then suddenly they go cold out of the blue and leave you with no answers. People are no longer people, more like robots, very shallow, sex serves only one purpose of self gratification, no connection, no care All you can do is rise above them and do not let your guard down until you are 100 percent sure. Had a girl like this recently and I was unsure about her so for weeks I allowed this to progress ready for her to throw her toys out of the pram. She did. I walked off grinning that I was right and that I did not let myself get drawn in. She chased, I ignored and straight onto the next. You need to be stronger as it will help you prevent those type of people from getting to you. Read the 16 Commandments of Poon and make sure you are using them My favourite: III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore. 1
True Gent Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) You aren't alone in feeling this way. OLD is very impersonal as you say, you can't realistically catalogue shop for partners IMO. Once you're into your 30's everyone is carrying some sort of emotional baggage. Being more selective and generally choosy and of course some people are very shallow. You're getting dates at least, some people really struggle even to achieve that with OLD. Yes indeed things can go well on the dates and they just disappear, never to be heard from again. That's because no one wanted to admit that even though it was nice to meet you there was no chemistry. Chances are that the ones who do disappear, you weren't all that fussed about anyway. You have to accept that OLD is just a numbers game. One day your lucky number might come up, but it is few and far between. The reality is the chances of two strangers meeting for the first time and being blown away by each other as well as being compatible are slim to none. You need a thick skin, a positive attitude, lots of time & patience and just go with whatever happens. Taking time out helps a lot. Edited February 8, 2015 by True Gent 2
RedRobin Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) I'm in my 30s and married really young (early 20s) Ive tried dating after the divorce and things have changed so much from when I was younger with online dating etc. I don't think I am going to do it again, officially throwing in the towel. It is a waste of time and energy. Case in point, you meet someone online start chatting, then move on to texting...then an occasional phone call. You go on a first date and it goes great but then they disappear or fade after the second or third or even the first (as just happened to me this weekend). Some guys are very open about wanting sex, or looking to "hook up" that is just not me. If anything, after spending so much time I would hope at least some type of friendship would have developed, but no. It seems like the connections are so shallow and the disappearing, or fading is so.... I don't know... cold? maybe? I deactivated the dating app. it is understandable that maybe one party thinks the date goes great and another doesn't. I get that, but it all seems so impersonal. And the question if there is something intrinsically wrong with me has popped up here and there. Maybe it is just not meant to be? I've read that we need to develop thicker skin when online dating.. but in my Carrie Bradshaw voice: I can't help but wonder.... is it even worth it. For the time being, I am taking a break from it. Sometimes it seems like staying married would have been a better option. Am I alone in feeling like this? No, you are not alone in feeling like dating traditions these days are soulless... I too married and divorced fairly young... met a man a couple of years after ward who became my fiancée and unfortunately died suddenly due to a genetic heart condition... leaving me single at a time when most others were coupled up with kids. I'd never been exposed to this Brave New World of dating before... and frankly, nothing I went through in my divorce or my fiancée's death scarred me half as much as men I met afterwards. I simply couldn't comprehend anything like multi-dating, multi-sleeping, having exclusivity talks... any of that junk that OLD has created. As a woman, if you are doing OLD, just be aware that just about every guy there will claim to want a relationship, even if they aren't. You'll have to find that balance between being open and not trusting any guy you meet as far as you can throw him. It's not easy. I don't sleep with a guy unless they agree to get STD tests and we've dated regularly for at least 2-3 months. No matter what they say about being exclusive... You have to see it exhibited in actions first. I've found this strategy eliminates the vast majority of a-holes or the just plain confused out there. Can't tell you how many guys I've come across claiming to want a relationship, and think I'm supposed to just take their word for it. Of course, I don't tell them 2-3 months is how long that process takes... that's just my observation... and it's a minimum since lots of people can easily hide their true selves for a few weeks. I'd recommend taking a break though... recharging with trusted friends and family. Diving into a hobby, maybe doing some volunteer work. With dating, I feel I'm seeing the worst in people a lot of the time. You need to find a way to balance that out somehow. Edited February 8, 2015 by RedRobin 3
thecrucible Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I know how much online dating sucks myself...but please don't give up. You are worth it. If you give up on the chance of finding love, you're giving up on yourself too easily. You deserve happiness and these guys that disappear are just a flash in the pan. I feel online dating disappointment a lot but if I start to slip into negative thinking, I go on a run or do something else and I tell myself to 'stop'. It can get into really bad cycles if you let thoughts like that get through. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Me too but I know whatever happens I will not give up on myself because I am the only one who can fight for me and my happiness.
Eaglestar83 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 No, you are not alone in feeling like dating traditions these days are soulless... I too married and divorced fairly young... met a man a couple of years after ward who became my fiancée and unfortunately died suddenly due to a genetic heart condition... leaving me single at a time when most others were coupled up with kids. I'd never been exposed to this Brave New World of dating before... and frankly, nothing I went through in my divorce or my fiancée's death scarred me half as much as men I met afterwards. I simply couldn't comprehend anything like multi-dating, multi-sleeping, having exclusivity talks... any of that junk that OLD has created. As a woman, if you are doing OLD, just be aware that just about every guy there will claim to want a relationship, even if they aren't. I don't sleep with a guy unless they agree to get STD tests and we've dated regularly for at least 2-3 months. No matter what they say about being exclusive... You have to see it exhibited in actions first. I've found this strategy eliminates the vast majority of a-holes or the just plain confused out there. Can't tell you how many guys I've come across claiming to want a relationship, and think I'm supposed to just take their word for it. Of course, I don't tell them 2-3 months is ho in people a lot of the time. You need to find a way to balance that out somehow. Am glad to hear what you wrote, sometimes I feel like am the only person in the world who still think like this and it frightens the hell out of me. It's like everybody out there is trying/pretending to be cool, cold and soul less. 2
NoC Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Bunch of cry babies in this thread, seriously? How about forget online dating and actually meet people the old fashioned way in real life? Put yourselves out there and live your lives to the fullest. Your life should be so awesome that a partner should be an addition to that amazing life, not a neccessity for it to be amazing. Those are the kind of people that get/attract quality partners, not some boring person doing online dating because they are too lazy to actually put themselves out there. No excuses, get off those dating sites and live your lives, your mr or mrs right will come along soon enough. 1
Author starmar Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Bunch of cry babies in this thread, seriously? How about forget online dating and actually meet people the old fashioned way in real life? Put yourselves out there and live your lives to the fullest. Your life should be so awesome that a partner should be an addition to that amazing life, not a necessity for it to be amazing. Those are the kind of people that get/attract quality partners, not some boring person doing online dating because they are too lazy to actually put themselves out there. No excuses, get off those dating sites and live your lives, your mr or mrs right will come along soon enough. NoC I was just thinking the same thing about just doing real life thing. It's really not about being a crybaby, it sucks out there. People are not even like, cordial, polite, or even considerate, and we spent time (even if just texting or a few calls) talking to these people whether we like it or not, it is energy wasted. I am going to view OLD the way I used to see the weird romantic classifieds growing up. I'll be going off the grid. It is a sad state of affairs though, not being a crybaby, just making an observation.
bathtub-row Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 With rare exceptions, I personally think that online dating is demoralizing and an incredible waste of time. After attempting it several times and attracting more perverts than I ever imagined were out there, I swore off of it long ago and have never gone back. I prefer to meet people the old fashioned way -- at grocery stores, through friends, etc.
Mangina Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 The mutual attraction thing is the proble. There are a lot of genuine guys who send nice messages only to get ignored. I can't really blame the girls they want what they want and I understand if it's not me.
RedRobin Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Bunch of cry babies in this thread, seriously? How about forget online dating and actually meet people the old fashioned way in real life? Put yourselves out there and live your lives to the fullest. Your life should be so awesome that a partner should be an addition to that amazing life, not a neccessity for it to be amazing. Those are the kind of people that get/attract quality partners, not some boring person doing online dating because they are too lazy to actually put themselves out there. No excuses, get off those dating sites and live your lives, your mr or mrs right will come along soon enough. I do that too. I have a very active social life, have good friends... but all of my friends are married. Their friends are married. If my partner hadn't died, I'd be married too. Around here, most of the single men are single for a reason... cheaters, addicts, mentally ill, liars of every stripe... is what I've learned. Or just overweight and unhealthy, smokers, and much older guys. I've dated men I met IRL too. The dating culture has permeated all aspects... not just OLD. Anyway, OLD is a back up for me. Most of my free time is spent trying to meet people in real life. There just aren't any decent single guys around... That's all. Very rare do I come across one IRL. Edited February 8, 2015 by RedRobin
just-moi Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I'm with you Starmar I wrote a huge reply & it disappeared... I've given up on dating.....& life in general Can't even call myself crazy cat lady... I'm shortly moving from a jointly mortgaged house with every animal but cats, to solo in a cheap rental unit in a bad suburb - no pets - (I want my dog!!!) Never thought I'd be not in a relationship, I rarely have been, but late 40s... too hard & I'm done.... done with everything really My best of life is behind me. I've travelled the world, partied hard, had lots of friends, had some very long-term relationships that didn't work out.. all that is obviously not for me... I'm done with it all really...
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