Unhappily married men and NOT leaving wives?

February 9, 2015

I agree that a father's role as protector is very important. His presence alone deters predators, like pedophile coaches, priests or mom's new boyfriend. Pedophiles see kids without dads in the home as easy targets. An example of this is the Jerry Sandusky case. When a man leaves his home, he leaves a vacancy. Even if he is still involved in the child's life, he loses control over who has access to his kids. In the US 1 out of 6 kids will be sexually abused, so this is a valid concern for fathers and I don't blame them.

This goes both ways. Men are not the only predators. Mom's have to worry about dad's new girlfriend. He didn't lose control over anything. He risked and threw it away. Where was that concern and protection when he left us at home late at to be with her while lying about being with male friends?

February 10, 2015

Because men know that suddenly, the women who "love" them , will turn into the devil in a moments notice and try to destroy their life. Til death do you part.

February 10, 2015

I've considered not leaving my marriage countless times, coming up with any possible reason as to why not to leave or why to stay. Doing it for the kid. financial reasons, the type of image I would be portraying on myself. As things go further down along, I know I will be called as sorts of names, I will be accused of there being some other woman (when there isn't), that I am being selfish, immature, heartless, how could I have wasted my "wife's time", was I ever even in love, I was just using her, etc...

I could easily see staying in an unhappy marriage, and having my emotional needs being met outside of it. With the type of income I would have coming and from my STBXW's side, money would not be an issue and I could easily live a double life. But when I think about it, is that what I really want to do? Sneaking around and being miserable half the time, and only finding pleasure in a secret? I find that kind of image much worse, as I am proving the image of being a bad husband and a bad father, rather than being accused of what.

How does the saying go, It is better to be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt, I kind of see it like that. Let others think I was a bad husband, than to prove to them I am by doing bad husband actions.

February 10, 2015

I think men are more accepting of the way many marriages evolve. I don't think most men expect to be feeling madly in love and lusting after their spouse the same way at 60 as they did at 25. I think men accept that the passion settles into something more comfortable and are OK with that. They still want regular sex, but recognize that after many years together the relationship isn't going to be the same as it was in the beginning. It's a commitment, and most men want to honor that commitment. They want to grow old with their wives, even if the relationship becomes less exciting and more about taking care of each other. Divorce doesn't usually become an option in their minds unless their wives cheat, or are mentally ill or addicted.

I think many women are more relationship oriented and have a strong desire for personal connection. I think feelings and emotions play more of a role in their choices. Not that men don't have emotions, but I think they are less likely to allow their feelings to drive their decisions. I think communication is very important to women and helps them to feel connected to their spouse. After many years together, passion & excitement often fade into comfort and familiarity. There is often less sharing of feelings as time goes by. If a woman judges love by the intensity of her feelings, then she may come to the conclusion that the relationship has died, and decide that they are no longer in love. She is seeking that connection and looks to her man to make her feel treasured and loved. If she doesn't feel that, she is more likely to leave the marriage because her marriage can no longer provide the feelings that she seeks.

So basically, I think it comes down to how we value feelings & emotions. In my experience, while men feel emotions just as intensely as women do, they are less likely to allow those feelings to influence their life choices. Men do value romance and emotional connection, but those feelings aren't important enough to change their plans, goals and expectations. They may be unhappily married, but those unhappy feelings don't consume them. They can fill their live with other things and still be content. Women often place a very high value on emotional connection, and it's important enough to drive their decisions.

If I were a man and read this, then I'd never marry....

So, in other words, men stick around cuz they enter marriage KNOWING and waiting for the wife to give up on him and his desires/needs? Really? I'd like to see a poll to support men having that notion when they were standing at an altar.

February 10, 2015

If I were a man and read this, then I'd never marry....

So, in other words, men stick around cuz they enter marriage KNOWING and waiting for the wife to give up on him and his desires/needs? Really? I'd like to see a poll to support men having that notion when they were standing at an altar.

I daresay me too. Fortunately, for the institution of marriage anyway, most men are more optimistic when standing at the altar, the first time anyway. I certainly was. However, and this may also play a role, when a man stands at the altar, what has gone before can affect his perspective on such matters.

Back when I was young and single and the first round of divorces were starting to occur, I'd listen to male friends and wonder why they would stay in unhappy marriages when they could be out enjoying life. The two main reasons given were: #1 - kids. They had kids young, some while still in their teens, and felt a responsibility to maintaining the family unit for the kids. #2 - Never been alone. They went from parents to wife with no alone time in between. Being alone was apparently a very uncomfortable prospect to them and a fear of the perception of them being 'losers' as husbands and fathers cast a real pall over any desire to leave and find fulfillment away from married life.

Another issue, locally anyway, was available women. Their wife would be snatched up by another man as soon as an inkling of a divorce was out there (ha, mine was, even though she was 'old' and 'fat', never mind how things were a generation prior) and they'd be thrust right back into the milieu of dealing not only with being alone and trying to be an absentee father but also competing with other men for any available mates.

For some, this kept them unhappily at home far longer than they might have been under different circumstances. I'll bet if I polled them today, I'd probably hear similar. Why? Because it's all they know, even though many are grandfathers now. It's their 'normal'. I respect that, even if it's not my path in life.

February 10, 2015

II'm struggling to find out how its "good" to feel totally unfulfilled and just give all up for the sake of a wife(who you are estranged from) and your kids, who you love dearly...

Is that all there is to being "good"....When does it become "his turn"??

Well I am not saying that it is good, absolutely not. I would actually encourage all these guys who are stuck in unhappy marriages with wives who take them for granted to tell these wives to go to hell. There are a lot of single women out there who have plenty of love to give.

I am all for a life in which you receive real love and have a relationship which is really fulfilling.

This said I think that for a number of man not getting divorced is also a status symbol. They are kind of proud to be able to say that they have been married for a long time with the same woman. Never mind that there's nothing left of feelings between them and their wives. And of course some have affairs on the side.

February 10, 2015

Well I am not saying that it is good, absolutely not. I would actually encourage all these guys who are stuck in unhappy marriages with wives who take them for granted to tell these wives to go to hell. There are a lot of single women out there who have plenty of love to give.

I am all for a life in which you receive real love and have a relationship which is really fulfilling.

This said I think that for a number of man not getting divorced is also a status symbol. They are kind of proud to be able to say that they have been married for a long time with the same woman. Never mind that there's nothing left of feelings between them and their wives. And of course some have affairs on the side.

These guys aren't "stuck" in unhappy marriages....they are right where they wanna be and entered into the marriage knowing what they were signing up for....and, trust me they DO NOT want any of the "single" women out there with "plenty of love to give".

I've gotten wiser now and am learning that some guys - for whatever reason (ie fear of being lonely, settling, pressure from family/society) - get into marriages that suck cuz they don't believe they can do/deserve better and/or don't have the cojones to pursue a certain type of woman.

So nope, I'm turning in my OW badge and not gonna get on my back anymore for some dude who wants the fatties, byaches, manipulators, slugs...and then wants to treat you like you're the enemy.

My recent FWB, I didn't enter it expecting him to leave his wife for me, but it sure boiled my blood when he would talk about her as if she's some wounded puppy that he had to "fix" and "rescue" - yet, I'm the one treating him sweetly and with dignity and respect. Then, when he finally divorced her - probably cuz his experience with me made him realize he didn't have to stay in a bad place, he decides he wants to be single now, move away, and I was the last thing on his agenda. That's the "thanks" I got. I bet ya right now and/or the day he decides to marry/commit again, it will be with another byach like the ex...cuz, again, he didn't want to be with me - someone who actually treated him right for once.

So, again, not feeling sorry for these married guys in bad situations cuz these guys are happy and/or comfortable in the mud with their pig.

February 10, 2015

I think men are more accepting of the way many marriages evolve. I don't think most men expect to be feeling madly in love and lusting after their spouse the same way at 60 as they did at 25. I think men accept that the passion settles into something more comfortable and are OK with that. They still want regular sex, but recognize that after many years together the relationship isn't going to be the same as it was in the beginning. It's a commitment, and most men want to honor that commitment. They want to grow old with their wives, even if the relationship becomes less exciting and more about taking care of each other. Divorce doesn't usually become an option in their minds unless their wives cheat, or are mentally ill or addicted.

I think many women are more relationship oriented and have a strong desire for personal connection. I think feelings and emotions play more of a role in their choices. Not that men don't have emotions, but I think they are less likely to allow their feelings to drive their decisions. I think communication is very important to women and helps them to feel connected to their spouse. After many years together, passion & excitement often fade into comfort and familiarity. There is often less sharing of feelings as time goes by. If a woman judges love by the intensity of her feelings, then she may come to the conclusion that the relationship has died, and decide that they are no longer in love. She is seeking that connection and looks to her man to make her feel treasured and loved. If she doesn't feel that, she is more likely to leave the marriage because her marriage can no longer provide the feelings that she seeks.

So basically, I think it comes down to how we value feelings & emotions. In my experience, while men feel emotions just as intensely as women do, they are less likely to allow those feelings to influence their life choices. Men do value romance and emotional connection, but those feelings aren't important enough to change their plans, goals and expectations. They may be unhappily married, but those unhappy feelings don't consume them. They can fill their live with other things and still be content. Women often place a very high value on emotional connection, and it's important enough to drive their decisions.

I've done a lot of thought about your post and you have a point. Guys who marry make the decision with mental competence that can stand up in a court of law. No one is twisting their arm.

Many of them marry the fatties, manipulators, slugs, golddigers, etc for various reasons (fear of being alone, low self-esteem, etc.). They don't have the cojones and/or desire to seek out anything better. So, they enter the marriage knowing it is what it is.

So, when she gets fatter, kids come along and she disses him, she's boinking guys behind his back - whatever - I could care less cuz he's not "suffering in silence", he signed up for the marriage knowing how it was gonna de-volve.

February 10, 2015

Oh, yeah, I totally love it when I get approached by a married or attached guy who wants a good time with me, but specifies that "leaving is not an option."

Okay, so you'd rather actively try to step out on your wife/girlfriend then rather than face the music that you're not happy and take steps to rectify that? So brave.

And I love how they always give a proactive "leaving is not an option." What makes them think they're so desirable and wonderful that seductress me would be heartbroken not to be able to lure them away? That's just delusional and insulting, but I guess it makes them feel good about themselves if they offer that statement up.

It's like they've got to hold onto the good guy image they have of themselves, and think they're being unselfish by choosing the cowardly route, but they're really better off facing the reality and making some tough choices. They'd wreak less havoc that way, but they don't care. The family man/"Nice Guy" image is more important.

Agreed....

They wanna have their cake and eat it too. They wanna parade Petunia Pig infront of the world and put her on a pedestal - while you are the bane of their existence.

I did not get involved with involved guys in some sort of competition with their woman and/or with the intent of him leaving her, but you can't help to roll your eyes all the way in the back of your head when you watch the game unfold.

And, I'm gonna say what I'm about to say cuz I'm fed up and don't care anymore. Today, again, I finally got another reminder that I was stupid enough to fall into filling up some dude's ego while he porks Petunia Pig and puts her on a pedestal when all she does is look like his fat aging mommy instead of a "woman".

And you know what? He can keep on staring all he freakin' wants cuz he's never gonna come my way and in bizarro world if he ever did, I wouldn't let him near me cuz he would never be happy with the likes of me. He probably thinks Petunia is as good as it's gonna get and he's right, cuz he didn't have the cojones to believe he could score me.

I've tried so hard to emphathize and see where he's coming from, but nah, those were my delusions. He is happy where he is and more power to him...pork her all day while dreaming of your skany ex (cuz again, you don't think you deserve better) and then stare at me all day and daydream about me cuz you're to scared to allow yourself something better in your life.

Bitter, me? Yeah, and so what? I take care of myself, don't bring no drama, kids, golddigging to guys and I'm not a "catch" by any standards. Oh well, the slugs, damsels in distress, fatties, and manipulators can have at it...I don't care anymore...besides, guys as of late wouldn't know what qualities a decent woman should have to make a wife/mother now a days anyways.

And, of course he's gonna read this and I don't care anymore. Ignore me when you see me in passing all you want from now on cuz I'm not taking back what I'm saying this time I'm not the only one who sees her fat butt, so pleeze. And, no worries about ignoring me. Cuz I'm not gonna come crawling back asking for you to forgive my frankness cuz you don't deserve another minute of my time.

Thank God I've said my peace and feel like a rock has been lifted off my shoulders!!!

Oh, and I DO take responsibility for my role in all of this...I need to stop being attracted to losers who don't feel good about themselves, cuz all they do is use you for ego boosts then run back to Petunia Pig cuz they have no intention of seeing themselves with anything better.

So, I've gotten wiser...no more getting on my back and/or raising self-esteems for someone who has disdain for me while Petunia Pig reaps all the benefits (status, his time, finances, home, what he learns about what I post online on how to treat a woman) for doing nothing but smiling and sitting her fat butt and twirling.

Edited February 10, 2015 by Gloria25

February 10, 2015

Agreed....

They wanna have their cake and eat it too. They wanna parade Petunia Pig infront of the world and put her on a pedestal - while you are the bane of their existence.

I did not get involved with involved guys in some sort of competition with their woman and/or with the intent of him leaving her, but you can't help to roll your eyes all the way in the back of your head when you watch the game unfold.

And, I'm gonna say what I'm about to say cuz I'm fed up and don't care anymore. Today, again, I finally got another reminder that I was stupid enough to fall into filling up some dude's ego while he porks Petunia Pig and puts her on a pedestal when all she does is look like his fat aging mommy instead of a "woman".

And you know what? He can keep on staring all he freakin' wants cuz he's never gonna come my way and in bizarro world if he ever did, I wouldn't let him near me cuz he would never be happy with the likes of me. He probably thinks Petunia is as good as it's gonna get and he's right, cuz he didn't have the cojones to believe he could score me.

I've tried so hard to emphathize and see where he's coming from, but nah, those were my delusions. He is happy where he is and more power to him...pork her all day while dreaming of your skany ex (cuz again, you don't think you deserve better) and then stare at me all day and daydream about me cuz you're to scared to allow yourself something better in your life.

Bitter, me? Yeah, and so what? I take care of myself, don't bring no drama, kids, golddigging to guys and I'm not a "catch" by any standards. Oh well, the slugs, damsels in distress, fatties, and manipulators can have at it...I don't care anymore...besides, guys as of late wouldn't know what qualities a decent woman should have to make a wife/mother now a days anyways.

And, of course he's gonna read this and I don't care anymore. Ignore me when you see me in passing all you want from now on cuz I'm not taking back what I'm saying this time I'm not the only one who sees her fat butt, so pleeze. And, no worries about ignoring me. Cuz I'm not gonna come crawling back asking for you to forgive my frankness cuz you don't deserve another minute of my time.

Thank God I've said my peace and feel like a rock has been lifted off my shoulders!!!

Oh, and I DO take responsibility for my role in all of this...I need to stop being attracted to losers who don't feel good about themselves, cuz all they do is use you for ego boosts then run back to Petunia Pig cuz they have no intention of seeing themselves with anything better.

So, I've gotten wiser...no more getting on my back and/or raising self-esteems for someone who has disdain for me while Petunia Pig reaps all the benefits (status, his time, finances, home, what he learns about what I post online on how to treat a woman) for doing nothing but smiling and sitting her fat butt and twirling.

Umm wow! Why so much hatred towards the SO? Did she do something to you?

February 11, 2015

Agreed....

They wanna have their cake and eat it too. They wanna parade Petunia Pig infront of the world and put her on a pedestal - while you are the bane of their existence.

I did not get involved with involved guys in some sort of competition with their woman and/or with the intent of him leaving her, but you can't help to roll your eyes all the way in the back of your head when you watch the game unfold.

And, I'm gonna say what I'm about to say cuz I'm fed up and don't care anymore. Today, again, I finally got another reminder that I was stupid enough to fall into filling up some dude's ego while he porks Petunia Pig and puts her on a pedestal when all she does is look like his fat aging mommy instead of a "woman".

And you know what? He can keep on staring all he freakin' wants cuz he's never gonna come my way and in bizarro world if he ever did, I wouldn't let him near me cuz he would never be happy with the likes of me. He probably thinks Petunia is as good as it's gonna get and he's right, cuz he didn't have the cojones to believe he could score me.

I've tried so hard to emphathize and see where he's coming from, but nah, those were my delusions. He is happy where he is and more power to him...pork her all day while dreaming of your skany ex (cuz again, you don't think you deserve better) and then stare at me all day and daydream about me cuz you're to scared to allow yourself something better in your life.

Bitter, me? Yeah, and so what? I take care of myself, don't bring no drama, kids, golddigging to guys and I'm not a "catch" by any standards. Oh well, the slugs, damsels in distress, fatties, and manipulators can have at it...I don't care anymore...besides, guys as of late wouldn't know what qualities a decent woman should have to make a wife/mother now a days anyways.

And, of course he's gonna read this and I don't care anymore. Ignore me when you see me in passing all you want from now on cuz I'm not taking back what I'm saying this time I'm not the only one who sees her fat butt, so pleeze. And, no worries about ignoring me. Cuz I'm not gonna come crawling back asking for you to forgive my frankness cuz you don't deserve another minute of my time.

Thank God I've said my peace and feel like a rock has been lifted off my shoulders!!!

Oh, and I DO take responsibility for my role in all of this...I need to stop being attracted to losers who don't feel good about themselves, cuz all they do is use you for ego boosts then run back to Petunia Pig cuz they have no intention of seeing themselves with anything better.

So, I've gotten wiser...no more getting on my back and/or raising self-esteems for someone who has disdain for me while Petunia Pig reaps all the benefits (status, his time, finances, home, what he learns about what I post online on how to treat a woman) for doing nothing but smiling and sitting her fat butt and twirling.

I am hoping that the atitude you express in your post is just anger talking, as if not, then I thnk I know why mm stayed wth his bs, and it it's not for the reasons you give.

Instead of blaming his bs for your pain, I suggest your look in the nearest mirror. There you will find the cause. Someone who has zero knowledge of your existance isn't responsible for hurting you. You did that all on your own.

February 11, 2015

This thread seems to pay men prety short shrift, and makes it sound as if they are led around by their hormones and nothing more, incapable of making decisions based on anything else.

There are many long term marriages where the "passion" ( which can mean very different things to different people at different times in their lives) ebbs and flows. The wise man, and there are lots of them around, knows this.

I know some ow have a need to feel superior to the bs, and like the mm only stays for the kids, because he's too scared to leave, because he wnats to maintain his "image".

Funny that none of that mattered to him when he found an opportunity to get a bit on the side. Then d-day happenes, and he runs back to his wife. Some wives kick their husbands to the curb, yet they still come back begging for one more chance. If things were so rosy, peachy keen with ow, why would he bother? Why wouldn't he seize the opportunity to go?

Could it be that maybe whatever he has with his bs is far better than what he has with the ow?

Then the ow blames "wifey" for keeping him tied down. you know what? He's right where he wants to be, otherwise, he'd go, and the only one keeping him there is him.The sooner ow learn that, the easier to let him go and take back control of their life.

February 11, 2015

I thought the original post was about how come unhappily married men don't leave their wives, not how come unhappily married men CHEAT and don't leave their wives.

February 11, 2015

I thought the original post was about how come unhappily married men don't leave their wives, not how come unhappily married men CHEAT and don't leave their wives.

The op mentioned the unhappy mm being 'stuck' even if they found someone they liked better.

February 11, 2015

They are never "stuck".

Let's be clear about that. Selfish? Yes. Stuck? No.

They make a conscious choice everyday to stay where they WANT to be. Most stay with the wife - for many reasons. But if there's an OW, I think she actually makes it easier and more palatable for him to stay married by filling in the gaps for what's missing with his wife.

February 11, 2015

Divorce has to be made difficult, as marriage is not really only about two people, it is about the marital home, the joint assets and the kids.
If divorce was easy, then many men would just leave dependent women with children homeless and with little money. Many men would flit from woman to woman with no consequences, leaving children all over the place. This already happens in some sections of society.
The State could not have wives and children starving to death all over the place so it would need to step in, costing billions.
Far easier to make divorce difficult and for most men to be forced to provide for their dependent wives and children

I'm surprised anyone manages to D in the UK. The process is so long, involved and demanding. I can imagine it's far easier simply to feed the hated spouse more cream and wait for the heart attack, hoping it's fatal.

Back home, it's as easy to D as it is to M. It's all "no fault", and "irreconcilable differences" doesn't require any evidencing beyond (at least) one party wanting to end the M. Ten minutes in court and you're free.

February 11, 2015

Agreed...

I'm attracted to the wrong men.

So, again, that's why some men stay in marriages we from the outside think is all jacked up cuz believe it or not, Petunia Pig is what some guys prefer.

Why do I call her that? Eh, cuz I'm naturally mean and sarcastic. Sarcasm is sorta telling the truth in a cruel way. I could call her "fatty with a cute face", but I think Petunia Pig fits the bill. I mean, Petunia isn't ugly, but is a little chunky. I really didn't put much thought into calling her that, it just popped in my head one day.

So maybe your issue isn't the men, you continue to find and repeat the same patterns that you are stuck in and they are just ever changing characters in your cycle?

I don't understand your approach or your take away from the experience. No matter what you do, you can't control someone into an outcome. And I would say, if you have a pattern of dating attached men you need to look at why that is.

Being mean says more about you than it does about the other person. Stating facts is stating facts but opinion can be very different.

I will say that the saying "one is where they want to be" applies to everyone. So if you are unhappy you can only focus on the things you can change, which is you, your actions, and your thinking.

Based on this and other posts, you seem to have a good bit of animosity towards women in general and that may play a bigger factor than you realize. You are very critical of women and you make sure to highlight how you are different. That may be worth deep diving and looking at why you dislike your gender and how you perceive your gender. The female gender is made of a wide spectrum of personalities, backgrounds, aptitudes, etc. Just like the male gender. So there is little correctness to stereotypes and assumptions, in my opinion. I feel that they limit and insult the party discussed.

What people tend to prefer is stability, the known, and minimal risk. Not everyone but that is high level view. Many people are afraid of things and fear will dictate what they do and don't do. So figuring out the "why" to someone's actions is crucial to fully understand their thinking.

I am sorry for your frustration and dissatisfaction lately. I believe that people, in general, are good or well intended. But we all fail, make mistakes, and are ... well human. So people bumble through this life unfortunately at times hurting others because of it.

February 11, 2015

I KNOW that ^^ about myself....

Another reason I prefer casual situations and/or FWBs. Be around me long enough and I might say something "smart" to you and hurt your feeeeelings.

So why do you feel the need to be mean? One can give constructive criticism and feedback without being cruel and mean. What does that do for you? What is the purpose of it? What do you get out of it?

Issues, conflict, and impasses happen in all types of relationships, how the parties communicate to each other is a major sign of the happiness and success of the relationship. Those that insult, tear down, and demean do not know how to effectively communicate and how to express how they feel, desires, etc.

February 11, 2015

Cocorico 67#

You are misinformed re divorce in uk ;

I'm surprised anyone manages to D in the UK. The process is so long, involved and demanding. I can imagine it's far easier simply to feed the hated spouse more cream and wait for the heart attack, hoping it's fatal.

It's quite simple really ;-

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

February 12, 2015

If divorcing partners are amicable, and experience varies widely in the case of typical unhappy marriages, then a divorce nearly anywhere can proceed relatively quickly. Regarding UK divorces, some experience is shared in this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/492965-divorce-uk-questions

From looking at the official UK government site, if someone wants to make a stink, they can drag it out quite a long while:

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

Unless the respondent stipulates, then it's showing proof or waiting out the physical separation parameters. Perhaps one fear a man has in filing is such stipulation not being forthcoming, so he stays in the milieu, hoping for a salvation that never comes. Perhaps a poor choice, but one which may seem reasonable at the time.

February 12, 2015

No. But honoring that commitment with honesty and integrity when one needs to get out is the adult thing to do.

And this is why so many people stay in screwed up, unfixable situations.

February 12, 2015

Oh, and my all-time favorite thing that people will do - just to avoid a divorce - is kill their spouse. This happens with such consistency that the TV is filled with stories like this on Forensic Files and other shows like it. And the spouse is the first person under suspicion with the police when someone is murdered, because it's usually the spouse.

The rationale must be that it's much better to kill than endure the judgment of society about divorce. If they get away with it, that is. What scares me is that for all the murders that are solved, how many are unsolved or were successfully made to look like an accident?

The motivation to avoid divorce can be very powerful.

February 12, 2015

Prenups should be made mandatory and they should be iron clad so a couple can work out what will happen in case of divorce. That way there are no nasty surprises if the marriage goes south since it is all agreed upon before you tie the knot. Nobody should be financially ruined because a marriage didn't work out and no adult should have to support another able bodied adult because one of them is no longer in love.

February 12, 2015

Personally I think it comes down to a biological / physiological difference in what men and women consider "love" and more specifically how they deal with the emotion of attraction.

A lot of Men consider love to be mostly about the "attachment" emotion you feel after being with someone for a long period. They are able to compartmentalize sex and sexual attraction as being separate to love. You can love someone without necessarily feeling a strong sexual attraction for them. Also you can love someone whilst having sex with and being sexually attracted to someone else. I don't agree with that policy - its not how I work - but that's how a lot of guys are wired. Its also why guys very seldom leave their wives for the mistress. They want and need the sex .... but they don't really feel they love the mistress like they love their wife. They don't have the same attachment. They see them as an outlet for sex only and can contain that in a tidy little separate box on the side of their marriage. Even though they may be rarely having sex with their wife and are having wild sex with the mistress they prioritize "attachment" over "attraction".

Women on the other hand tend to be different. Whilst they obviously still require the attachment emotion for love, they put far more emphasis on the attraction feeling then men do. They consider both emotions to be critical to feeling "in love". If that attraction emotion fades and dissapears for a long period of time (as it does in a lot of LTR) women will say they have fallen out of love. They often no longer want to have sex with the husband even though they may still feel strongly attached to him. Additionally as soon as a women starts to feel "attracted" to another man - maybe there is a physical affair or just even an emotional one - they don't usually want to step out and have a secret affair whilst maintaining their marriage. They may do that at the very beginning but Women are far far more likely to leave their husband for an affair partner then the reverse scenario.

Even just spending a couple of weeks reading through this forum you will begin to see that pattern appear in the threads started by men and women who have cheated. Sure their are exceptions where the opposite occurs but the stats and even just general knowledge of society says that the above is the normal pattern for men's and women's affairs. Women get stars in their eyes .... affair fog. The attraction emotion just seems to have a far more powerful effect on them then it does for men. When they fall into an affair they frequently think they have "fallen in love" where as a man see's this as just sex on the side.

In summary Men are more likely to have secret mistresses on the side. Women are far more likely to flip partners. Its partially why they usually initiate the majority of divorces. Not just because of cheating - but for a woman when the "attraction" is gone she is more likely to be finished with the relationship and look for another partner to provide it. The man normally just looks for other outlets for that emotion in secret - they prioritize "attachment" over "attraction".

Edited February 12, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

February 12, 2015

And this is why so many people stay in screwed up, unfixable situations.

Please explain how getting out of something with honor and integrity instead of being decietful is an issue. I said to honor the commitment when one needs to get out.

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