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February 11, 2015

yeah, nude kinky photos online are a bit much. But still its not cheating physically.

It is all up to the OP if he can live with that or not. I personally do not think that cybersex is all that bad, and in some cases can actually help a marriage. It is the temptation to hook up that is definitely over the line.

And, like I said, the OP sounds like he is not that much into sex. I would LOVER to hear HER side of the story.

The internet is like a giant box of tasty chocolates that someone left open on the table, with a sign "eat me". A lot of people are going to dive in and take handfuls, others might nibble on one piece.

it is probably all a moot point at this stage, OP is pissed his wife was doing "unthinkable things" online that he had never even heard about, Wife is probably pissed that her dull or non-existant sex life was like living in a prision...I feel divorce coming on this one.

It's a type of cheating. Physical, emotional, cyber, whatever, cheating is cheating. There is no "this type of cheating is okay because it was online". It doesn't work that way, any type of cheating is bad.

You say cyber sex can help the relationship? Sure, if permission is GIVEN to have it. She was not given permission, so it helps nobody but her selfish self. I really don't care if she wasn't sexually satisfied. This new thing we humans have called a mouth? Yeah, it allows us to convey our thoughts and feelings. Such as, for example, feelings of not being satisfied. She did not decide to do that. Instead, she went posting pictures online, etc. and you feel it isn't that bad? There is no scenario where this isn't bad, except one that involves the husband telling his wife he is okay with her posting nude photo's online. If your scenario doesn't involve that? Nope, it is shady, dishonest, and all around trashy.

She is an adult and if she wants to be trashy and post pictures online? She can, but she sure as hell needs to own up to it.

February 11, 2015

Being in the Internets business myself, I personally think that posting pictures for the world to see is worse than just sending them to one person. No one wants their wife to be traded around the world like baseball cards. It never goes away, ever. I wouldn't even date someone who had nudes posted on the Internet, so I damn sure wouldn't marry one. For me personally, it's just a icky and disrespectful as physical cheating and likely an indicator of such.

Maybe I'm just young, but I can't imagine getting to an age where you have adult children and still doing immature things like exhibitionism. I'm hoping I'll be more of the saving for retirement and collecting coins type of old man, lol.

It just seems like there is way more to this story.

February 12, 2015

Taking such pictures and posting online is NOT cheating, otherwise we are redefining the meaning of words here. If you find it unacceptable that's one thing, but it is not the definition of cheating.

February 12, 2015

Taking such pictures and posting online is NOT cheating, othewise we are redefining the meaning of words here. If you find it unacceptable that's one thing, but it is not the definition of cheating.

I agree. The OPs wife posted the pics and people who viewed the pics commented. That's it. If she were cybering or sexting or meeting that would be cheating. Posting pictures isn't cheating. Inappropriate, yes. Cheating, no.

February 12, 2015

I agree. The OPs wife posted the pics and people who viewed the pics commented. That's it. If she were cybering or sexting or meeting that would be cheating. Posting pictures isn't cheating. Inappropriate, yes. Cheating, no.

MJJean,

I'm very curious about your answers in particular.

I agree with your stance on this. I can see where you are coming from. So I ask you:

If you were to discover on your husband's PC that he had more than half of his Hard Drive filled with Pornographic material that was hidden to you. And then found that he spent money on porn site subscriptions regularly for the past year, could you honestly say that would you be as calm with him while addressing this issue as you're asking the OP to be with his wife?

And I believe you to be an honest person who wouldn't just say yes to prove a point in this thread.

Do you think other women should react like you do too?

February 12, 2015

Taking such pictures and posting online is NOT cheating, otherwise we are redefining the meaning of words here. If you find it unacceptable that's one thing, but it is not the definition of cheating.

I define cheating within a marriage as sharing something intimate meant ONLY for your spouse with someone else. So yes, I define this as cheating. Add in the secrecy and deception, and I think it fits. I cannot wrap my head around someone thinking a married person should have the right to share their NAKED body (photographic or otherwise) with anyone besides the spouse.

That said, my main objection to some of the tone of this thread is the medium-like certainty with which people post that the OP's have "MUST: have slept around or that no one with a good marriage would be nervous about sharing fantasies. No one can read another person's mind.

And I can't help believing gender plays a big role here, especially considering where most of the vitriol is coming from.

February 12, 2015

I define cheating within a marriage as sharing something intimate meant ONLY for your spouse with someone else. So yes, I define this as cheating. Add in the secrecy and deception, and I think it fits. I cannot wrap my head around someone thinking a married person should have the right to share their NAKED body (photographic or otherwise) with anyone besides the spouse.

I agree Autum. It is a betrayal. A Very Significant Betrayal. I would have been devastated if I discovered my WS had done this.

That being said, I'm more devastated that WS actually, physically, shared the body, together with the AP. There was an AP, not just anonymous strangers that never met.

From my vantage point I can honestly say, I really wish it was just pictures on the internet. If that is all it was, with no PA, would I be able to say that? I really don't know. I might not have this perspective if I were not in this position. Pictures alone are really that bad.

It is all a matter of degrees though. I liken this debate to the ones between people who's WS has had a ONS and those with a LTA in their lives. Or those with a PA that had no love to those with an EA that was an attempted exit A. Its all cheating. Its all very painful. Affairs are evil and they suck. All of them.

February 12, 2015

See, that's what seems off to me. She's got enough props to setup an entire scene to photograph (entirely by herself) but she's never been in a scene (ever)?

Maybe I'm desensitized to this, because I see so much of it online, even on social networking sites. The last couple years, BDSM is the "IN" thing where the majority of my friends have come out of the woodwork all of a sudden as Doms or subs. Before that, I had one friend who is a Domme and makes a living off it.

OP said his wife recently joined the site(s) just a few months ago and also has these books on her Kindle. He also said there a pictures of her and a friend in poses and laughing. I honestly think, from my own experiences outside of this forum, is that his wife, after 30 some years of marriage, is simply bored and discovered this new exciting fantasy world where it certainly will bring in lots of attention. Is it cheating? Yes, it is, IMO, because she is doing something secretly and without her husband's knowledge that has a sexual gratification element to it.

These pictures of her are getting out there somehow. She is sending them either to recipients or posting them on these sites. And most definitely she is being contacted by other men on these sites. I don't post naked pictures of myself anywhere, but just being a woman causes a flood of messages and unacceptable images. Emails can also be deleted, OP having her email passwords and saying nothing is in the accounts means nothing.

February 12, 2015

Maybe I'm desensitized to this, because I see so much of it online, even on social networking sites. The last couple years, BDSM is the "IN" thing where the majority of my friends have come out of the woodwork all of a sudden as Doms or subs. Before that, I had one friend who is a Domme and makes a living off it.

I'm just not surprised or judging her interest in being a sub at all.

What would surprise me is if she has gotten into the lifestyle enough to buy a bunch of gear, set up scenes, take photos, and post them for commentary and that there's NEVER been a dom to her sub. Really? Never once experimented with an actual person? Just bought all this stuff and done all this work so she could pretend by herself? That seems a stretch to me.

What seems more likey is that she has experimented but knows that her H would REALLY be devastated at the thought of another man being with her. And all he knows is that there's these photos so she says, "Oh gosh no, never with an actual guy. It's just these pictures."

Could I be wrong? Sure. I hope I am wrong. But I'd want to know for sure. And since she is the person that has hidden all this crap (and has further motivation to lie), I'd be finding out on my own.

But do I care that she's a sub? Heck no. No big deal. Doing all this behind her husband's back and then expecting him to believe nothing more happened - that's a big deal. Sadly, the OP is probably like many of us BHs that would really like to believe the minimalist version of the story. Denial is the first stage of grief; acceptance is the last.

Edited February 12, 2015 by BetrayedH

February 12, 2015

It just seems like there is way more to this story.

If there's more, OP WILL figure it out sooner or later. Just hope it's sooner for his sake.

February 12, 2015

These pictures of her are getting out there somehow. She is sending them either to recipients or posting them on these sites. And most definitely she is being contacted by other men on these sites. I don't post naked pictures of myself anywhere, but just being a woman causes a flood of messages and unacceptable images.

I've posted on forums for everything from computers to home theater to performance cars. And I don't recall a single one, LoveShack included, that didn't have some kind of Private Message feature. So I'd guess the OP's observation that people only commented on her photos simply means he hasn't stumbled onto - or she hasn't confessed to - the direct communication. And I'd bet the content of those messages will cause him more distress than the pictures...

Mr. Lucky

February 12, 2015

Okay OP. Here's the deal. You're not getting the full story here. Rule of thumb, cheaters usually only admit to what you can prove. The only thing you can prove is what you saw on those photo's, so that the only thing she'll admit to.

If a cheater confesses, then they confess to the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened.

Sorry to say this. But, I have a feeling this story runs deeper than what you think.

February 12, 2015

Well I guess everyone can define things as they will, but if one were to take a polygraph and they had just taken these photos, nothing else, that would not be cheating.

A betrayal doesn't always equate to a betrayal, but you know its not our definition of cheating that matters, it's what the OP and his wife think.

February 12, 2015

Well I guess everyone can define things as they will, but if one were to take a polygraph and they had just taken these photos, nothing else, that would not be cheating.

A betrayal doesn't always equate to a betrayal, but you know its not our definition of cheating that matters, it's what the OP and his wife think.

Respectfully, I don't agree with this. A good definition of cheating is saying something or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other...then that's cheating. And given the extreme reaction of his wife when he confronted her, I think she saw it as cheating or a betrayal as well.

You don't have to have intercourse in order to cheat on someone.

February 12, 2015

A betrayal doesn't always equate to a betrayal.

I meant a betrayal doesn't always equate to cheating.

February 12, 2015

Respectfully, I don't agree with this. A good definition of cheating is saying something or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other...then that's cheating. And given the extreme reaction of his wife when he confronted her, I think she saw it as cheating or a betrayal as well.

You don't have to have intercourse in order to cheat on someone.

With respect, I disagree.

If it's just pics, how is someone else involved? Because they are viewing the pics. Would a pole dancer be considered a cheater if her partner didn't know about it?

You could be doing many inappropriate things, but that doesn't necessarily equate to cheating in my opinion.

You could be a closet gambler and do this behind your spouses back. That doesn't make you a cheat.

There have been women married to serial murderers (who killed with another person), wrong, unlawful and nasty, but not cheating.

There is a massive difference between inappropriate behaviour and cheating.

On another website a woman who cheated, accused her husband of financial infidelity, by making numerous investments behind her back. You can define many things your own way I guess.

February 12, 2015

With respect, I disagree.

If it's just pics, how is someone else involved? Because they are viewing the pics. Would a pole dancer be considered a cheater if her partner didn't know about it?

You could be doing many inappropriate things, but that doesn't necessarily equate to cheating in my opinion.

You could be a closet gambler and do this behind your spouses back. That doesn't make you a cheat.

There have been women married to serial murderers (who killed with another person), wrong, unlawful and nasty, but not cheating.

There is a massive difference between inappropriate behaviour and cheating.

On another website a woman who cheated, accused her husband of financial infidelity, by making numerous investments behind her back. You can define many things your own way I guess.

Well, the OP said that the pics are of bondage kind of stuff. If she's tied up, who's taking the pictures? and what's happening when pictures aren't being taken? He also stated that there were pictures of her getting "spanked". That's not usually a solo activity. Maybe it is, but he didn't write she was spanking herself. Just her getting spanked. And if this was going on, we can assumed that she was probably to some degree of "undress".

I suppose it has to go to degree of what your definition of cheating is. You gave some examples. Like, the person that was gambling. You can view that was cheating your wife/ husband and family out of funds that could be used towards the family. Serial murderers would be cheating that persons immediate family of a life time with there loved ones. And inappropriate behavior could be viewed as cheating a committed couple out of private intimacy that should be shared with each other. And cheating one person out of time being spent way from the home, family or marriage to conduct this inappropriate behaviors.

It can be viewed several different ways.

February 12, 2015

MJJean,

I'm very curious about your answers in particular.

I agree with your stance on this. I can see where you are coming from. So I ask you:

If you were to discover on your husband's PC that he had more than half of his Hard Drive filled with Pornographic material that was hidden to you. And then found that he spent money on porn site subscriptions regularly for the past year, could you honestly say that would you be as calm with him while addressing this issue as you're asking the OP to be with his wife?

And I believe you to be an honest person who wouldn't just say yes to prove a point in this thread.

Do you think other women should react like you do too?

Been there. Only it wasn't a subscription. It was free porn he downloaded off of a couple sites. I found them clearing out crap. Opened a folder for a game to delete the auto-stored replays and there was the porn. File after file.

He didn't tell me because he thought I wouldn't be interested in or turned on by what was depicted in the clips, compilations, and movies he liked and had collected. I also think he was embarrassed.

No, I wasn't angry. I was a bit butthurt he didn't share with me, though. I asked him to show me the ones he liked best and to tell me why he liked them while we watched. I find his mind fascinating and I genuinely wanted to know what more turned him on.

I asked which scenes in particular appealed to him and what about those scenes held the appeal. We ended up getting a nice buzz and watched a few hours of porn while talking. It was fun. Great physical and mental connection. Now, every so often, we do that as part of the menu.

A subscription or few might have ticked me off. Depends. If we each had a dollar amount for personal spending every month and he didn't exceed the same amount I had, I wouldn't be angry about the money. If he spent money we couldn't afford or more than I was allowed to spend on my personal amusement, I'd be ticked. And I'd tell him he's an idiot for paying for porn when so much is available for free!

Do I think other women should react the same? Well, yes. I don't think women should get upset about porn as long as it's of consenting adults. However, if porn was taking the place of actual sex in the relationship and the man wasn't giving his wife the level of attention she needs in favor of porn then I would see that as a big problem and the porn would have to go, at least for a while.

I define cheating within a marriage as sharing something intimate meant ONLY for your spouse with someone else. So yes, I define this as cheating. Add in the secrecy and deception, and I think it fits. I cannot wrap my head around someone thinking a married person should have the right to share their NAKED body (photographic or otherwise) with anyone besides the spouse.

I disagree. That seems like an awfully tight definition. By that standard, sharing feelings and thoughts with friends could be crossing the line. So could certain swimsuits.

I'm not that big on worrying about images. For me, letting people look at an image and asking their opinion isn't a big deal. It's just an image. Letting someone look irl would be crossing a line for me because of the intimacy of the situation...being naked in the same room.

If DH took a pic of the twig and berries in one of those leather strap snapping get ups that act as c*ck ring and nut holder and then posted it online for comments I'd be ok as long as he wasn't PMing, e-mailing, texting, etc. with someone else. I'd want to know why he did it. Was it for reassurance and validation? Was it just for the kick of knowing people were looking? That kind of thing. But as long as he wasn't chatting with someone I wouldn't be angry at him just for posting some pics anonymously and reading comments about them.

That said, my main objection to some of the tone of this thread is the medium-like certainty with which people post that the OP's have "MUST: have slept around or that no one with a good marriage would be nervous about sharing fantasies. No one can read another person's mind.

No joke! I've already explained why someone in a good marriage wouldn't feel comfortable sharing.

And I can't help believing gender plays a big role here, especially considering where most of the vitriol is coming from.

I've posted on forums for everything from computers to home theater to performance cars. And I don't recall a single one, LoveShack included, that didn't have some kind of Private Message feature. So I'd guess the OP's observation that people only commented on her photos simply means he hasn't stumbled onto - or she hasn't confessed to - the direct communication. And I'd bet the content of those messages will cause him more distress than the pictures...

Mr. Lucky

He said he found her secret email and password file, logged in, checked her emails and only found notifications of comments. I believe he said he went to the site, too. There was nothing but the pics and the comments on the pics. If there were PM's he'd have seen them. Of course, she could have deleted them just in case. But I don't think so since she never thought he'd find the email and website in the first place.

February 12, 2015

Well, the OP said that the pics are of bondage kind of stuff. If she's tied up, who's taking the pictures? and what's happening when pictures aren't being taken? He also stated that there were pictures of her getting "spanked". That's not usually a solo activity. Maybe it is, but he didn't write she was spanking herself. Just her getting spanked. And if this was going on, we can assumed that she was probably to some degree of "undress".

OP said the pics of bondage attire were her alone. All she had to do is set up her digital camera or cell phone on a timer to take those. There doesn't need to have been anyone else involved.

He specifically said the pic of her being spanked was taken fully clothed as a joke pic with her and one of her female friends.

February 12, 2015

OP said the pics of bondage attire were her alone. All she had to do is set up her digital camera or cell phone on a timer to take those. There doesn't need to have been anyone else involved.

He specifically said the pic of her being spanked was taken fully clothed as a joke pic with her and one of her female friends.

Okay, I'll buy that. But, I still think he's not getting the whole story due to her reaction.

Just...my spidey senses are kicking off hardcore on this.

February 12, 2015

Okay, I'll buy that. But, I still think he's not getting the whole story due to her reaction.

Just...my spidey senses are kicking off hardcore on this.

Without any evidence on her email or her account on the website(s) or her phone my spidey senses aren't tingling at this time. Now, if the OP comes back and says something like the pics were taken at another location or there was some indicator a 2nd person was in the room when they were taken then I'd suspect something.

As far as her reaction, I can honestly say I might have freaked out, too, if I'd been found out rather then telling my DH about my submissive needs. It really is something that is difficult to talk about when you're afraid you'll be rejected and lose the regard and respect of someone you love very much.

I'm pretty blunt and always thought I had a say anything relationship with my DH. I told him in mumbles that I had needs he didn't know about. Then I bit and pieced it for a couple nights, also in mumbles, before he got the whole picture.

Edited February 12, 2015 by MJJean

February 13, 2015

I have read this entire thread.

I think that (as usual) people are superimposing their own situations onto other situations, thinking they are all the same. They aren't.

I also think it is very narrow-minded of some people to insinuate that this woman "needs therapy" because she is finding that she is a sub from a sexual perspective. There were comments about it being weird and perverted. People need to get educated about real life and stop judging.

From what I have read I believe the OP's wife. I disagree with BetrayedH - I think it is very logical that she would reach out to others online (strangers) to find validation of how she feels. I think the posts by MJJean are spot on - as they would be, because she has lived it. I think it makes perfect sense that she would purchase some toys that go along with her deep-seated sexual desires and share those in photos to anonymous people with the same desires. I don't see how that means she would have to have some stranger come in and be her "dom". It just means she is experimenting and seeking out the feedback/approval of people who feel as she does.

FWIW, the OP never said that she was recognizable in the photos. Nor do we know anything about the particular sites where she posted the photos. Jumping to conclusions is not acceptable.

I think it's ridiculous that people are saying "throw her to the curb, make her pay, steal the money she is legally entitled to should they divorce by hiding it, etc. Just wow. People need to stop relating EVERY situation to their own.

February 13, 2015

Ok, so now the cat is out of the bag. How about if the caring husband agrees to indulge his wife's passion for kinky fun.. By joining in and giving her a spanking or using the sex toys she bought? They cold even post an add for a playmate on the site.. Just go with it and see what her reaction is. If she balks at the very suggestion than you know that she wants to play but just not with you. That she is being deceitful and her intention all along was to find affair partners.

If she loves you why can't she enjoy the kinky fun with you? If she can't than that's a problem.

February 13, 2015

Ok, so now the cat is out of the bag. How about if the caring husband agrees to indulge his wife's passion for kinky fun.. By joining in and giving her a spanking or using the sex toys she bought? They cold even post an add for a playmate on the site.. Just go with it and see what her reaction is. If she balks at the very suggestion than you know that she wants to play but just not with you. That she is being deceitful and her intention all along was to find affair partners.

If she loves you why can't she enjoy the kinky fun with you? If she can't than that's a problem.

I don't think you understand alternative sexual behaviors at all. You are treating it as if it "should" involve a third party and can't still be within the definition of a marriage and commitment. Why assume that she wants someone else just because her views on sex are a bit in left field for your tastes?

To me it should be personally insulting that some people post "just give her a spanking, might be the best sex of your life". Really? That's what you think this is about?

February 13, 2015

I don't think you understand alternative sexual behaviors at all. You are treating it as if it "should" involve a third party and can't still be within the definition of a marriage and commitment. Why assume that she wants someone else just because her views on sex are a bit in left field for your tastes?

Well if she wanted her husband to know about her secret fantasy, then don't you think she would have clued him in?

If you remember he found these pictures on the internet and had no idea she was into this sort of thing and was never informed of it by her. If she really wanted him to know, he wouldn't be on this forum spilling his guts out.

It's not the type of fantasy that is the issue, it's the loss of trust he now has and the knife in the back that she put there. She diplayed herself for everyone to see and never once said, "Hey honey, I'm posting inappropriate pictures of myself on the web wanna see some"? It's called deceit and dishonesty and for good measure cheating.

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