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February 10, 2015

Wow, I didn't realize you knew these people personally AND could read minds. You may be right. You may be wrong.

Dang, Autumn, didn’t you know that all people are the same and all marriages are the same? Yeesh, woman…

To add a light-hearted note… is anyone else seeing a wee bit of irony in the “inflict pain and punish” advice here? I keep picturing The Secretary at the desk. I hope that wasn’t in terribly bad taste… If it was, I apologize.

February 10, 2015

Here's what most of those angry, bitter people have said:

1). For her own reasons, his wife has deceived him.

2). She has inappropriately posted explicit sexual pictures of herself on the Internet.

3). There is at least a possibility that, given the sexual nature of what has occurred, she may have engaged in a physical affair or other damaging extramarital behavior.

4). Since she's lied by omission about her activities to this point, she may lie by commission to protect herself going forward.

5). Given all the the above, the OP should proceed cautiously and take steps to protect himself emotionally and maritally.

How do these statements represent some unreasonable and angry BS agenda ???

Mr. Lucky

Stop using logic!!!! Otherwise it might spread and others might also use logic here and then..ANARCHY!

Lets face it, we've been outed. Nobody is upset just because they are seeing another human being treated like a piece of dog doo doo, nope, it's our hidden agenda. Grrr, those cheaters! Probably responsible for killing JFK and Hurricane Katrina somehow too.

February 10, 2015

Wow, I didn't realize you knew these people personally AND could read minds. You may be right. You may be wrong.

Lets be real, you know the chances of him being right are way way higher then him being wrong, right? That's just how cheaters are, by definition, being a cheater requires selfishness. So yeah, I get what you are saying, obviously you don't know someone, and she COULD be super sorry, but in my experience? Yeah, she's sad she got caught. When people love having their cake and eating it too..they flip out if someone tries to take said cake away, and then there come the water works. You'd almost feel bad for them if they weren't dishonest betrayers.

February 10, 2015

Stop using logic!!!! Otherwise it might spread and others might also use logic here and then..ANARCHY!

Lets face it, we've been outed. Nobody is upset just because they are seeing another human being treated like a piece of dog doo doo, nope, it's our hidden agenda. Grrr, those cheaters! Probably responsible for killing JFK and Hurricane Katrina somehow too.

But there are other factors that are clear as well. Selection of certain facts and ignoring others is one method for making an argument, for supporting one’s position and desired conclusion. But it is not the only method, and often not the best method. The question is how to proceed. End a marriage or continue a marriage? The method we choose to make our argument is influenced by the outcome we seek. Logic.

February 10, 2015

But there are other factors that are clear as well. Selection of certain facts and ignoring others is one method for making an argument, for supporting one’s position and desired conclusion. But it is not the only method, and often not the best method. The question is how to proceed. End a marriage or continue a marriage? The method we choose to make our argument is influenced by the outcome we seek. Logic.

The other option is to reserve the right NOT to decide until he feels he has sufficient information to make an informed decision. That can involve trying to get actual facts (instead of just taking her word); it can also involve watching her actions to see if her remorse is true (typically demonstrated by consistent actions over time) and by being introspective himself about whether this is something that he can forgive and/or embrace. There's nothing that says he has to choose reconciliation or divorce right now.

February 10, 2015

OP

You describe your marraige as a good marriage and you love your wife. You've described her as someone you admire, value and trusted. It's evident you liked to see her happy, and she travels with her friends 3 or 4 times a year and it has never been an issue. From all accounts, your marriage seemed heathy...good sex life, personal freedom to travel, grown children in college, no money issues.

I think most men, if their wife wanted some kink, would be enthusiastic about it. Role playing, sex toys, sexy lingerie, having their hands tied or being blindfolded....or getting gently rough,...etc....and taking it further as you experiment toward a mutually satisfying intimacy.

I really don't see any reason why your wife would not feel safe with sharing her fantasies with you, it would seem she'd not have to feel she could not trust you with her sexuality.

The real issue, whether you'd found pictures of her naked, holding a puppy with a rainbow in the background or her tied up in leather straps, these would be photos she has shared with strangers and without your knowledge.

The fact that she deceived you, is the real concern, and that is the crux of the matter.

I was not suprised that you chose to confront your wife immediately upon her return from her trip. Many betrayed spouses, in hindsight, regret doing so, as it would have saved them from trickle truth.

It's your marriage and your life, and you will deal with it as best you can. It's not unusual that many betrayed spouses are in shock and just want things to get back to what they thought they had. Sadly, that's a recipe for more turmoil.

February 10, 2015

But there are other factors that are clear as well. Selection of certain facts and ignoring others is one method for making an argument, for supporting one’s position and desired conclusion. But it is not the only method, and often not the best method. The question is how to proceed. End a marriage or continue a marriage? The method we choose to make our argument is influenced by the outcome we seek. Logic.

The question is to end or continue? Well, no it shouldn't be. If your wife posts nude photos of herself online for other dudes? Yeah, the only question you need to be asking is "how soon can I get this person the hell out of my life for good".

Sorry, you don't trip and stumble and accidentally take naked photo's and post them online. Nor do you make a single drunken mistake and "accidentally" do it. It was a calculated move on her part. The only reason to stay with her is if you are super into being her doormat and you don't think you will ever need your testicles again for the rest of your life.

This was a calculated betrayal, nothing more needs to be said. There is literally no way to stay with her and preserve his dignity at this point. It just can't be done, like making 2+2=5, it will always equal 4, it doesn't matter if you delude yourself into thinking otherwise. It's the same here, she is posting nude photo's online? There is no way she has respect for him, if she ever had any. If he is going to stay with her he might as well not say anything, since that will show her she can do what she pleases anyways with zero consequences.

Edited February 10, 2015 by Spectre

February 10, 2015

It's pretty obvious she's cheating. I mean, pictures, toys, etc, at the very least, you know she is capable of living a double life. That's the scariest part of the whole thing, knowing your partner is has a whole other sex life that you aren't a part of.

If she was just experimenting alone, there would be no need for the internet. Internet=other people and if other people aren't part of the marriage agreement, that's cheating.

Also, and ymmv, but I don't consider sending someone nudes part of an emotional affair. Pictures are your physical body. In my opinion, that's part of a physical affair.

February 10, 2015

Yeah that is true actually, it falls under the same exact category as cyber sex and phone sex. Even if she isn't getting off on it, some other dude sure as hell is, and she is enabling it. Yep, drop her and move on.

February 10, 2015

The other option is to reserve the right NOT to decide until he feels he has sufficient information to make an informed decision. That can involve trying to get actual facts (instead of just taking her word); it can also involve watching her actions to see if her remorse is true (typically demonstrated by consistent actions over time) and by being introspective himself about whether this is something that he can forgive and/or embrace. There's nothing that says he has to choose reconciliation or divorce right now.

Absolutely. That’s one option and there are still other options.

OP raised many other points that I personally think deserve equal attention.

February 10, 2015

Sure sure, some points do deserve it. But realize that unless one of those points is "Doc Brown is totally a friend of mine and said I can borrow his Delorean anytime I want" then..it's not going to change much about the cheating aspects of this. No matter what the guy did, unless he was physically beating on his wife and all that stuff..the cheating photo thing still isn't justified.

February 10, 2015

I can guarantee you that toys do not indicate cheating. That certainly can, but I know of at least one person who bought toys, first the expected ones out of insurmountable frustration, then ones that made less sense just because it felt...comforting to fantasize when she wasn't being touched. And she didn't use any of them with anyone else.

I bought a set of under the mattress restraints, a cover my eyes silk mask like the sleep masks, heels and stockings, and a couple more personal items long before I "came out" to my DH.

I made those purchases partially as an act of hope (maybe he'll want to use them and then he'll want to explore further and I can tell him...), partially to comfort me, and partially because I like to be prepared (Oh, honey! Of course I'm interested but we don't have any...Oh, we do? You bought them years ago? Really? Niiice! Let's go!")

Never used any of my stash with anyone else.

February 10, 2015

I bought a set of under the mattress restraints, a cover my eyes silk mask like the sleep masks, heels and stockings, and a couple more personal items long before I "came out" to my DH.

I made those purchases partially as an act of hope (maybe he'll want to use them and then he'll want to explore further and I can tell him...), partially to comfort me, and partially because I like to be prepared (Oh, honey! Of course I'm interested but we don't have any...Oh, we do? You bought them years ago? Really? Niiice! Let's go!")

Never used any of my stash with anyone else.

Ever post photos of yourself online?

February 10, 2015

I'm wondering what was packed inher suitcase she took over the weekend.

February 10, 2015

You need to be careful with instaforgiving and instabelieving your spouse. Which is a mistake I see many men make time and time again. And I'd stop reacting to her water works, especially with reassurance, comfort, and tears of your own. I realize both of your emotions were all over the place but I wouldn't do that again. It sends her the wrong message.

I'm not saying you can't forgive, sympathize,and feel badly for your wife. I'm not saying you have to rake her over the coals either. But she should realize how serious this is. And hand holding from you is not going to make her understand that.

I doubt you got all of the truth from her either. It's RARE when people in your shoes actually do. It's called "trickle truth". People will only admit to what can be proven. Now is there a chance she'll tell you the full and complete truth? Yes. But you'd be a fool to believe it from the get go.

She needs to know that she lost your trust and she has to earn it back.

February 10, 2015

Ever post photos of yourself online?

Ever post EXPLICIT photos of yourself online? She didn't just model a kinky Halloween costume, she shared that which by vow and commitment we reserve for our spouse...

Mr. Lucky

February 11, 2015

OP

I think most men, if their wife wanted some kink, would be enthusiastic about it. Role playing, sex toys, sexy lingerie, having their hands tied or being blindfolded....or getting gently rough,...etc....and taking it further as you experiment toward a mutually satisfying intimacy.

I really don't see any reason why your wife would not feel safe with sharing her fantasies with you, it would seem she'd not have to feel she could not trust you with her sexuality.
.

we are only getting one side of the story, and only choppy bits at that.

What if his wife pleaded with him for more and kinkier sex? asked for role plays. asked to be handcuffed and used. and he blew her off, repeatedly. maybe made some crass remark about her being perverted or oversexed.

THAT would be a pretty good reason she would start a fantasy life, and seek out internet kinky sites to read stories and blogs on.

A pop up ad entices her with some sex toys and bondage restraints....just like in the story she just read. She buys them, and tries to introduce them into her at-home sex life. but again is rebuffed.

without any PMs or emails talking about local hookups, that is as far as we KNOW she went. How is that grounds for a divorce? THAT scenario, if true, sounds like a normal woman with a normal libido, who wants to add some spark to a dismal married sex life.

February 11, 2015

OP

You have a lot of different opinions here. Any one of could be right.

Personally I think you are going to get some real unpleasant surprises.

The doctor has discovered a tumor in your marriage. It could be benign or malignant. The question here is do you want to HOPE it goes away or TREAT it and make it go away.

Nothing she has done was the result of a drunken error in judgement. It was all premeditated and calculated to deceive you. I recommend you read a book called NO MORE MR NICE GUY. You are in a fog of denial and hope. Your wife and a bunch of her girlfriends are probably doing a lot of giggling at your expense as they laugh about her activities and your tolerance of it .

A lot of women are exhibitionists or close to it . She is cheating on you online if nothing else. She is unfaithful . You are in an open marriage of sorts and it is highly unlikely that if she continues that she will not physically cheat . My bet would be she already has

February 11, 2015

What if his wife pleaded with him for more and kinkier sex? asked for role plays. asked to be handcuffed and used. and he blew her off, repeatedly. maybe made some crass remark about her being perverted or oversexed.

THAT would be a pretty good reason she would start a fantasy life, and seek out internet kinky sites to read stories and blogs on.
A pop up ad entices her with some sex toys and bondage restraints....just like in the story she just read. She buys them, and tries to introduce them into her at-home sex life. but again is rebuffed.

Umm, buddy, no. Just, no. Not a single thing you just said would be a good reason for a grown woman who is married to begin posting nude photo's of herself online. This ignores the fact that not everyone is into things like handcuffs and stuff, and it sure as hell isn't grounds to cheat and go online posting pictures of yourselves for scumbags.

without any PMs or emails talking about local hookups, that is as far as we KNOW she went. How is that grounds for a divorce? THAT scenario, if true, sounds like a normal woman with a normal libido, who wants to add some spark to a dismal married sex life.

You just asked how a woman going behind her husbands back and posting nude photo's on the internet is grounds for divorce...and you didn't actually seem to be joking when you asked it. Congrats on that.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Spectre

February 11, 2015

yeah, nude kinky photos online are a bit much. But still its not cheating physically.

It is all up to the OP if he can live with that or not. I personally do not think that cybersex is all that bad, and in some cases can actually help a marriage. It is the temptation to hook up that is definitely over the line.

And, like I said, the OP sounds like he is not that much into sex. I would LOVER to hear HER side of the story.

The internet is like a giant box of tasty chocolates that someone left open on the table, with a sign "eat me". A lot of people are going to dive in and take handfuls, others might nibble on one piece.

it is probably all a moot point at this stage, OP is pissed his wife was doing "unthinkable things" online that he had never even heard about, Wife is probably pissed that her dull or non-existant sex life was like living in a prision...I feel divorce coming on this one.

February 11, 2015

Any update OP?

February 11, 2015

And, like I said, the OP sounds like he is not that much into sex.

I'm curious as to how you've reached that conclusion ?

If the determination is based on not wanting his wife to secretly post nude pictures of herself online, then guess I'm not that much into sex either...

Mr. Lucky

February 11, 2015

So did my google search and wikipedia skim for "submissive" and can shrug an indifferent 'whatever' to most of it, including the psychological underpinnings. I mean, I can even get how feeling danger and risk could increase sexual excitement and sort of vaguely how pain and bondage make that happen. Or something. But this isn't just "kinky" sex. It's about crossing thresholds and boundaries, and with each boundary another more forbidden opens up, right? Reaching one means craving more danger, more risk, pain or whatever it is. And the population pushing these boundaries - who are they? What other boundaries do they cross?

I mean, isn't this kind of sex beyond 'kinky'? She's chosen to wander in a forbidden forest, calling and hoping bad wolves will find her. OP and family do not need to follow.

OP needs information, support, clarity to protect himself and the family.

February 11, 2015

There's a pretty good chance that OP's wife isn't even into the weird fetish stuff and just trying to please her affair partner. If she's never shown any interest before, she's trying to impress someone.

February 11, 2015

There's a pretty good chance that OP's wife isn't even into the weird fetish stuff and just trying to please her affair partner. If she's never shown any interest before, she's trying to impress someone.

I agree - especially since she didn't tell her H what her needs were.

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