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February 10, 2015

Was-Strong

Anyone who reads on this or any other infidelity forum knows that in the overwhelming number of instances, the WS initially only reveals the information that the BS know and can prove. That is why the TT(trickle truth) is usually more damaging than the actual sex and is what dooms the marriage.

It also appears that you really do not want to know the truth because of your refusal to get the records that might shed some more light on the situation .

That is called rug sweeping and does not usually lead to a happy outcome be said whatever she has done she has gotten away with it with no consequences but you getting mad and telling her you love her. She can love you and still be lying her ass off to you.

It is also disturbing that some of her friends know about somehow this. That means there is a chance their are cheerleaders and possibly enablers among her friends. Those friends are not friends of your marriage.

If you don't get to the bottom of this the hurt you feel will eventually manifest itself into anger and that nagging question about the truth will come steamrolling back into your mind. I strongly urge you to make the effort and dig.

The dangerous thing here is that she is openly admitting she has had the opportunity to have sex with other men, and her exhibitionist desires are not going away any time soon.

I am afraid if you take the easy way out here and hope this will all go away that you will be one unhappy camper in the future

February 10, 2015

Here's what most of those angry, bitter people have said:

1). For her own reasons, his wife has deceived him.

2). She has inappropriately posted explicit sexual pictures of herself on the Internet.

3). There is at least a possibility that, given the sexual nature of what has occurred, she may have engaged in a physical affair or other damaging extramarital behavior.

4). Since she's lied by omission about her activities to this point, she may lie by commission to protect herself going forward.

5). Given all the the above, the OP should proceed cautiously and take steps to protect himself emotionally and maritally.

How do these statements represent some unreasonable and angry BS agenda ???

Mr. Lucky

Your statements are not unreasonable; however, they don't accurately reflect a lot of what has been said.

And, certainly while kicking her out of the house and taking over all the money might be understandable, it will certainly not be seen as reasonable under the law by any judge in a Western court room. And, doing something like that could actually backfire on OP in the event he does decide to proceed with a legal separation or divorce.

It might be wise for OP to consult an attorney, especially since he owns a business.

February 10, 2015

At least check the phone bill. Compare it to what is on the phone. If she's been calling a number frequently, sending a lot of texts (which are mysteriously missing from the phone), or using tons of data when her internet history is clear, then those things are easy to see and you'll know you have something more on your hands here.

I'd also consider a voice activated recorder for her car or places in the house where she might talk on the phone. Affair partners frequently talk to/from work or you might get some truth from a conversation she has with one of these GFs.

Of course, I recommended that you do these things before you confronted her. That accomplished nothing except her admitting to what you already knew. Now she has a chance to delete any remaining evidence, contact whomever she needs to get stories straight, and lay low. She's been dishonest with you before; she could just as easily be lying now to save her ass.

Even if you want to reconcile, finding out the truth ends up being critical. If you don't investigate, you'll always wonder if she told the truth. Whereas, the more you investigate and find nothing, the more you both win.

February 10, 2015

Was-Strong
Anyone who reads on this or any other infidelity forum knows that in the overwhelming number of instances, the WS initially only reveals the information that the BS know and can prove. That is why the TT(trickle truth) is usually more damaging than the actual sex and is what dooms the marriage.
It also appears that you really do not want to know the truth because of your refusal to get the records that might shed some more light on the situation .
That is called rug sweeping and does not usually lead to a happy outcome be said whatever she has done she has gotten away with it with no consequences but you getting mad and telling her you love her. She can love you and still be lying her ass off to you.

It is also disturbing that some of her friends know about somehow this. That means there is a chance their are cheerleaders and possibly enablers among her friends. Those friends are not friends of your marriage.

If you don't get to the bottom of this the hurt you feel will eventually manifest itself into anger and that nagging question about the truth will come steamrolling back into your mind. I strongly urge you to make the effort and dig.
The dangerous thing here is that she is openly admitting she has had the opportunity to have sex with other men, and her exhibitionist desires are not going away any time soon.
I am afraid if you take the easy way out here and hope this will all go away that you will be one unhappy camper in the future

But, that's not what happened here. When confronted with the only thing he could prove.....i.e. that she posted inappropriate pics and received messages from other people, she confessed to thinking/planning to cheat.

She could have said a lot of other things. Planning to surprise you like BetrayedHusband already laid out, trying to learn what its really all about so I could talk to you, talking to others to understand myself so I could explain to you, talking to others M about how they told their spouse, reading the site forum to learn more, reading the messages I got and using that for self pleasure and on and on.

Instead, she admitted she was thinking about cheating. So maybe there is more, but already she has admitted to something she did not need to admit. So, perhaps a rare case where the usual does not apply.

OP, what was her answer as to why she hadn't cheated?

February 10, 2015

But, that's not what happened here. When confronted with the only thing he could prove.....i.e. that she posted inappropriate pics and received messages from other people, she confessed to thinking/planning to cheat.

She could have said a lot of other things. Planning to surprise you like BetrayedHusband already laid out, trying to learn what its really all about so I could talk to you, talking to others to understand myself so I could explain to you, talking to others M about how they told their spouse, reading the site forum to learn more, reading the messages I got and using that for self pleasure and on and on.

Instead, she admitted she was thinking about cheating. So maybe there is more, but already she has admitted to something she did not need to admit. So, perhaps a rare case where the usual does not apply.

OP, what was her answer as to why she hadn't cheated?

Sadly, trickle-truth usually means that they do admit one thing more than you already know so that you think that NOW, you finally know everything. It's just like my wife did - I discovered 17 hotel stays, she admitted to it being 30, and the reality was 70. Numerous times she cried, said I knew everything there was to know, and that she'd NEVER lie to me again. After those incidents, I discovered that she'd had a 3some with the OM and a prostitute and had sex with him in our home (both of which had been previously denied). It took me 8 months of relentless digging to figure this crap out (as well as discovery that she still had contact with the OM). I'm glad I did investigate because I don't want a partner like that - one that can still actively lie straight to my face after everything I had been thru trying to forgive her.

As for the comments from her friends, that certainly seems to be an out of place conversation. Now if they knew she was cheating, it would make sense that they would say, "Well, he's probably cheating anyway." It also makes sense that your wife would mention it to you, hoping that you'd also cheated so she could alleviate some of her own guilt. She's probably been using that rationalization all along. But why would her GFs be talking about that if they didn't even know about your wife's photos?

Just as in my situation, I suspect your wife's girlfriends know a ton more than you think. My wife denied and denied that her bestie knew anything about the affair. She was lying to protect her because she knew if I knew about them all being in on it, that I'd make her sever the friendship. But your wife's girlfriends are taking playful photos spanking her butt? It wasn't an "ironic" photo; they're just on the inside of the joke and you aren't.

February 10, 2015

You could be right BH. Not my experience with trickle truth, but liars come in all shapes and forms.

Even your wife's response to me seems odd; why admit to 30 when she could have said 20 if you only knew of 17.

There really is no logic when people start weaving tales. The one thing I know for sure is it is difficult for them to keep it straight. So again, I would say google for the tells people display when lying and ask the questions multiple times in different ways. Even this can be misleading as embarrassment can sometimes cause the same tells.

The other possibility with the friends is that they have all been on a much wilder girls night/weekend out than you or their H would suspect. London is no doubt home to more than one BDSM venue that is upscale and allows spectators/voyeurs and relatively safe for a group of women to attend alone. Suggesting you are going to contact their husbands may get something more out of her if there is anything there.

February 10, 2015

I think the box of sex toys is a big indicator it was physical. Everybody is talking about this emotional thing she was going through. I know if I found a box full of whips, gags or whatever in my garage I'd be pretty certain of what was going on. Why would you buy it all just to store it. I don't care how new it smells. It I'm sure was probably cleaned off and will probably have a natural rubber smell or leather. Just don't lose your focus. I think in this particular situation it is going to be difficult for you to prove one way or another. For all you know she could have been traveling out of the country to go to some kink fests or something with her besties.

February 10, 2015

I must admit I have read a lot of BDSM on my kindle as well. I find it really erotic, but never thought I would. I've never mentioned it to my husband, I'm not sure how he'd react.
.

I think that is a fairly typical though process. a person finds some kink that turns them on. it is a little naughty, outside of their normal lifestyle. and they are afraid/embarrassed to even mention it to their hubby.

To OP, That MAY be all this is about. she is drawn into these kinky fantasies. It by no means is indicative that she would ever physically cheat.

It IS indicative that there is something missing in her sex life though. I would highly recommend at least trying to fill that void. All it takes is a pair of handcuffs and a sex toy and you can try it out.

February 10, 2015

I think the box of sex toys is a big indicator it was physical. Everybody is talking about this emotional thing she was going through. I know if I found a box full of whips, gags or whatever in my garage I'd be pretty certain of what was going on. Why would you buy it all just to store it. I don't care how new it smells. It I'm sure was probably cleaned off and will probably have a natural rubber smell or leather. Just don't lose your focus. I think in this particular situation it is going to be difficult for you to prove one way or another. For all you know she could have been traveling out of the country to go to some kink fests or something with her besties.

a lot depends on if they were USED or not. and what type of toys we are talking about. If it is some sort of full bondage gear, that requires a 2nd person to tie up, and she would never have been able to get out of it without help, then seeing if it was used or not is a big deal.

But once again, maybe she bought them for use in the OP's married sex, and she just chickened out and never could figure out how to ask the OP to tie her up?

February 10, 2015

Even your wife's response to me seems odd; why admit to 30 when she could have said 20 if you only knew of 17.

It never made much sense to me either. If your H is still with you and wanting to reconcile after knowing about 17 times you've screwed another man, maybe you should just come clean with it all. Was she thinking I could forgive 30 times but not 70?

My only thought is that it's all just damage control. They think, by God if he knew everything, he would straight up divorce me and then I'd have to explain whatever he says to everyone. They think they have to get us to buy some minimalist version of the story to keep us from flipping out and exposing them to everyone. They're also typically worried about their affair partners (who are frequently also married) and try to protect them as much as possible.

In reality, this OP is in no better or worse situation than most of us. It's nearly impossible to avoid the confrontation and keep quiet while you investigate. I only made it three days before she said some stupid crap that she was "trying to work on our marriage" and I couldn't help but ask if that's what she was doing Thursday night at the hotel.

So if the OP wants to reconcile, which it's obvious that he does, he's left with "trust but verify" like all the rest of us. I still advise that he shuts up, plays stupid and compliant like he believes her every word, and then investigates as much as possible. As I said before, if he investigates and finds nothing, they both win. And if he finds something more, at least he can make an informed decision. The worst he can do is stick his head in the sand and try to sweep the whole thing under the rug (sorry for the mixed metaphors). That will leave him in an indefinite state of wondering and never really trusting.

Do I hope that her version of the story is a truthful one? Sure. Frankly, that could lead to a great sex life for both of them. But there's just too many red flags here to just believe her when she's been hiding some pretty serious stuff. She needs to prove herself.

February 10, 2015

There's really no basis for assuming she is just bored. The OP didn't say whether her desires or the books came first.

People comment here and offer insight from their own experiences. We don't know anyone personally and certainly do not know the entire story of anyone going through the pain of betrayal of finding out someone is cheating on you. My opinion is she is simply bored. Other people are calling her out and saying she is lying and also insinuating she has already cheated. I don't see you telling those people they have no basis for stating she already slept with another man.

February 10, 2015

I think the box of sex toys is a big indicator it was physical. Everybody is talking about this emotional thing she was going through. I know if I found a box full of whips, gags or whatever in my garage I'd be pretty certain of what was going on. Why would you buy it all just to store it. I don't care how new it smells. It I'm sure was probably cleaned off and will probably have a natural rubber smell or leather. Just don't lose your focus. I think in this particular situation it is going to be difficult for you to prove one way or another. For all you know she could have been traveling out of the country to go to some kink fests or something with her besties.

The box of toys (IMO before someone jumps on me for an opinion) was simply used for photography props. The visual is certainly much more alluring than simply taking a selfie in your bathroom mirror.

February 10, 2015

The box of toys (IMO before someone jumps on me for an opinion) was simply used for photography props. The visual is certainly much more alluring than simply taking a selfie in your bathroom mirror.

See, that's what seems off to me. She's got enough props to setup an entire scene to photograph (entirely by herself) but she's never been in a scene (ever)?

February 10, 2015

People comment here and offer insight from their own experiences. We don't know anyone personally and certainly do not know the entire story of anyone going through the pain of betrayal of finding out someone is cheating on you. My opinion is she is simply bored. Other people are calling her out and saying she is lying and also insinuating she has already cheated. I don't see you telling those people they have no basis for stating she already slept with another man.

Since you brought it up, your experience as a submissive is not applicable to every sub. There are as many different types of submissives as there are women. There is no one true way or real vs not real sub.

Anywho, you didn't state it as opinion, but as fact and those facts are not in evidence.

I have said I think its plausible she's not cheating. But, I don't know.

Even if I were convinced she's not cheating, I don't have time to dispute everyone who thinks she is.

Finally, I wasn't calling you out, just pointing out to OP that it would be relevant to the situation which came first......the books or her desires.

February 10, 2015

See, that's what seems off to me. She's got enough props to setup an entire scene to photograph (entirely by herself) but she's never been in a scene (ever)?

The OP didn't really say how many or what they are.

Could just be Velcro type bondage straps that attach to a bed with other odds and ends.

Most dominants into bondage have their own equipment. Rope is cheap. They are really asking her to stop by the hardware store and pick up rope on the way to a scene. I don't see it.

February 10, 2015

It never made much sense to me either. If your H is still with you and wanting to reconcile after knowing about 17 times you've screwed another man, maybe you should just come clean with it all. Was she thinking I could forgive 30 times but not 70?

My only thought is that it's all just damage control. They think, by God if he knew everything, he would straight up divorce me and then I'd have to explain whatever he says to everyone.

Trickle truth is like the old story about putting a frog in hot water. It will jump right out. But if you put it in cold water and slowly raise the temperature the frog will stay in and cook.

Edited February 10, 2015 by Buckeye2

February 10, 2015

I think the box of sex toys is a big indicator it was physical. Everybody is talking about this emotional thing she was going through. I know if I found a box full of whips, gags or whatever in my garage I'd be pretty certain of what was going on. Why would you buy it all just to store it. I don't care how new it smells. It I'm sure was probably cleaned off and will probably have a natural rubber smell or leather. Just don't lose your focus. I think in this particular situation it is going to be difficult for you to prove one way or another. For all you know she could have been traveling out of the country to go to some kink fests or something with her besties.

I can guarantee you that toys do not indicate cheating. That certainly can, but I know of at least one person who bought toys, first the expected ones out of insurmountable frustration, then ones that made less sense just because it felt...comforting to fantasize when she wasn't being touched. And she didn't use any of them with anyone else.

February 10, 2015

I suggested consequences based on the words she said - that she planned to cheat and that she has been lying to the OP.

Her intent was there. With no or little consequences the OP is likely to find her doing it again if the work through this.

Have you considered counseling? If nothing else you two need to work on communication and trust issues. Is your wife willing to go?

February 10, 2015

Like I said OP, if you wanna kick her out with a box of tissues and divorce, that's your choice. You'll have plenty of company. However, if you want to try to salvage YOUR long term marriage, then you should try to get to the actual truth of YOUR marriage, and not everyone else's.

February 10, 2015

I can guarantee you that toys do not indicate cheating. That certainly can, but I know of at least one person who bought toys, first the expected ones out of insurmountable frustration, then ones that made less sense just because it felt...comforting to fantasize when she wasn't being touched. And she didn't use any of them with anyone else.

And did that person post pictures on the internet for all to see?

February 10, 2015

And did that person post pictures on the internet for all to see?

Ya know, nowhere have I said what she did was right. And no, she did not. But THAT was not addressed in the post I was responding to. Bottom line no one on this forum, including me AND YOU, know exactly the extent of what this woman did or did not do. The difference is I am not pretending that I do know.

Like I said, OP, you want to label her a hopeless ho and kick her to the curb? You'll have lots of company.

February 10, 2015

I can guarantee you that toys do not indicate cheating. That certainly can, but I know of at least one person who bought toys, first the expected ones out of insurmountable frustration, then ones that made less sense just because it felt...comforting to fantasize when she wasn't being touched. And she didn't use any of them with anyone else.

I understand what you're saying. But when your spouse tells you they thought about cheating on you paired with finding a box full of toys that is extremely compelling there was something physical that may have happened. That is all I'm saying. Not to mention it doesn't sound like she had any intention to bring her husband into her fantasy. Typically you'd think one spouse would say she wanted to be tied up and whipped, strangled or whatever but she apparently decided to hide that secret.

February 10, 2015

Ya know, nowhere have I said what she did was right. And no, she did not. But THAT was not addressed in the post I was responding to. Bottom line no one on this forum, including me AND YOU, know exactly the extent of what this woman did or did not do. The difference is I am not pretending that I do know.

Like I said, OP, you want to label her a hopeless ho and kick her to the curb? You'll have lots of company.

That's not necessary to describe her that way and never did I describe her like that.

Consequences for her intent and lies is much different than where you're taking such judgement.

February 10, 2015

Beach, Someone obviously really did a number on you for you to be so angry and bitter. I am sorry that happened to you, but your story is not his story. Making her pay? Feel the pain? Move out today? WHAT??? I really hope you are still in IC for what happened to you. Your pain runs deep.

Was Strong, I hope you are reading and re-reading what MJJean has said. She is the only one here with real experience of what your wife is going through. It sounds like your wife has been honest and open so far and I believe her tears are real. You know your wife, you know if this is true.

Open and honest? She's been playing B&D S&M games behind her husbands back and if that isn't bad enough, posting pictures of herself in those situations on line. That isn't honest. It's called deceit.

Her tears aren't from sorrow, their from being caught nothing more. Her friends knew what she was doing and in public they were polite to him but when his back was turned he was nothing but the brunt of their nasty jokes. She had a helping hand in that and also in humiliating and degrading him for her own satisfaction.

If she was so honest, she would have handed him a paddle, laid across his lap, dropped her pants and told him to have at it with her ass. She didn't do it. She chose to display herself for anyone to see except her husband of course.

The only thing she's doing right now is trying to desperately dig her way out of the mess shes caused.

February 10, 2015

Her tears aren't from sorrow, their from being caught nothing more.

Wow, I didn't realize you knew these people personally AND could read minds. You may be right. You may be wrong.

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