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February 9, 2015

She is a fairly direct person. My instinct tells me that she will be honest. If she is not and our marriage is not meant to be then it will come out over time.

I'd be very measured and reserved in your responses to her statements.

In similar situations, many of us were told the "truth". It's only later you learn it was "part of the..." or "some of the..." or "a version of the...".

Just as you haven't rushed to judgement, don't rush to believe...

Mr. Lucky

February 9, 2015

OP, you sound like a strong rational man who is worthy of respect and who acts from ligic and though rather than emotion. I wish you luck.

February 9, 2015

Thx MJ Jean,

I really appreciate your candor. Thanks to everyone else for posting. I've calmed down a lot. I don't feel so wounded now. My strength is returning.

Im not a big online guy so I apologize for not addressing each post. Its a bit overwhelming reading all of the responses.

My wife is returning today. It's a bit corny but she tells me that I am a king In bed she calls me her king. If you want to be the king you have to behave like one. It's not my style to spy and sneak. I need to live up to who I am. It may not be the dominant strategy in terms of game theory but I cannot do what does not feel right to me.

My plan is to calmly confront her when she returns today. She is a fairly direct person. My instinct tells me that she will be honest. If she is not and our marriage is not meant to be then it will come out over time.

As I have written before, our marriage, to my knowledge has been pretty ideal. Our sex life has been good. Our communication is relaxed. We aren't "screamers". Time to show my best.

Wish me luck.

Corny or not, that would make her in her mind your subject. A pretty big clue to her mindset.

If you review your life together, you may find other clues like this where she has been trying to tell you as much as she could.

February 9, 2015

I also think there has been much rush to judgement that she is cheating and that the marriage must be nuked from orbit.

There are a lot of things that aren't adding up and aren't making any sense. A lot more investigating and peeling back the layers need to be done here.

I agree that this is something that needs to be taken seriously and some serious investigating needs to take place but we have more questions than answers here. There are red flags here but very little in the way of direct evidence of any actual adultery.

Here a few more random questions that come to mind -

- for the umpteenth time, what site were these pictures posted on and what is the nature and purpose of the website?

- were these pictures selfies or did they have to have been taken by someone else?

- is the background of these pics the home or some other location? Someone else's house? A hotel? An S/M club or swinger club?

- is she her current age or were these pics taken in the past?

- has she ever mentioned kinky activities with an old boyfriend or ever said that an old boyfriend was a pervert and into non traditional sex activities? In other words could these pictures be from an old lover that has posted them and gave her the link to pics he posted?

- has her behavior changed in recent months? More short and snippy? Less respectful? Lower sexdrive or greater sexdrive? More time spent away from home? Change in time away from home, arriving home later, leaving earlier? Any new friends or groups she associates with?

- aNy suspicious or classic cheating behavior such as guarding phone? Adding or changing passwords on phone? Taking phone when going to bathroom or shower? Closing computer when you walk in the room? Changing style of dress or changinging grooming habits? Taking more interest in exercise and losing weight?

- any emails or other communications sent directly from other men or another specific man to your wife? Any communications sent from your wife to another man?

- what were these S/M things that you found? Did they appear to have been "hidden" vs just stored away in storage? Ie stashed above ceiling tiles or wrapped in an opaque garbage bag and stashed under the crawl space is hidden. Folded up neatly and placed with other clothes or personal items in a Rubbermaid storage tote in the stack of storage boxes in the basement is stored.

- did they appear to have been actually "used" vs just put on and posed for a picture? In other words did they show wear marks? People into S/M often pull and strain on the bindings as if trying to escape. Did these objects appear to have wear marks or in pristine condition?

- have you noticed any marks or bruising on her body? Any ligature marks to her wrists,ankles? Any bruising or marks around her lips? Any red marks or bruising to her back, breasts or buttocks? People in the S/M lifestyle are quite skilled at not leaving marks or actual injuries but skill levels vary and someone new to the lifestyle may not have developed those skills yet.

- have you found any pictures of other people in any of her emails or computer etc?

- what is in her 'sent' box? Has she sent any pictures directly to any specific people?

- have you checked phone records from the phone carrier to see where her txts and phone calls are coming from and going to?

These and lots of other questions. There is a lot that is not adding up yet.

Please answer my question on what site these pictures are posted on? If you don't want to divulge the actual site, please describe what kind of site it is and if it is a site for people to meet each other or just post pictures and discuss topics.

February 9, 2015

I also think there has been much rush to judgement that she is cheating and that the marriage must be nuked from orbit.

There are a lot of things that aren't adding up and aren't making any sense. A lot more investigating and peeling back the layers need to be done here.

I agree that this is something that needs to be taken seriously and some serious investigating needs to take place but we have more questions than answers here. There are red flags here but very little in the way of direct evidence of any actual adultery.

Here a few more random questions that come to mind -

- for the umpteenth time, what site were these pictures posted on and what is the nature and purpose of the website?

- were these pictures selfies or did they have to have been taken by someone else?

- is the background of these pics the home or some other location? Someone else's house? A hotel? An S/M club or swinger club?

- is she her current age or were these pics taken in the past?

- has she ever mentioned kinky activities with an old boyfriend or ever said that an old boyfriend was a pervert and into non traditional sex activities? In other words could these pictures be from an old lover that has posted them and gave her the link to pics he posted?

- has her behavior changed in recent months? More short and snippy? Less respectful? Lower sexdrive or greater sexdrive? More time spent away from home? Change in time away from home, arriving home later, leaving earlier? Any new friends or groups she associates with?

- aNy suspicious or classic cheating behavior such as guarding phone? Adding or changing passwords on phone? Taking phone when going to bathroom or shower? Closing computer when you walk in the room? Changing style of dress or changinging grooming habits? Taking more interest in exercise and losing weight?

- any emails or other communications sent directly from other men or another specific man to your wife? Any communications sent from your wife to another man?

- what were these S/M things that you found? Did they appear to have been "hidden" vs just stored away in storage? Ie stashed above ceiling tiles or wrapped in an opaque garbage bag and stashed under the crawl space is hidden. Folded up neatly and placed with other clothes or personal items in a Rubbermaid storage tote in the stack of storage boxes in the basement is stored.

- did they appear to have been actually "used" vs just put on and posed for a picture? In other words did they show wear marks? People into S/M often pull and strain on the bindings as if trying to escape. Did these objects appear to have wear marks or in pristine condition?

- have you noticed any marks or bruising on her body? Any ligature marks to her wrists,ankles? Any bruising or marks around her lips? Any red marks or bruising to her back, breasts or buttocks? People in the S/M lifestyle are quite skilled at not leaving marks or actual injuries but skill levels vary and someone new to the lifestyle may not have developed those skills yet.

- have you found any pictures of other people in any of her emails or computer etc?

- what is in her 'sent' box? Has she sent any pictures directly to any specific people?

- have you checked phone records from the phone carrier to see where her txts and phone calls are coming from and going to?

These and lots of other questions. There is a lot that is not adding up yet.

Please answer my question on what site these pictures are posted on? If you don't want to divulge the actual site, please describe what kind of site it is and if it is a site for people to meet each other or just post pictures and discuss topics.

For what it's worth, I'm not in the "nuke the marriage" camp. I do, however, believe that MUCH has been hidden from the OP and that quietly investigating is what's needed.

I also agree wholeheartedly that answering the questions you've posed would be remarkably helpful for those trying to give good advice. I'm all for advice about how to develop a healthy and happy D/S relationship as I'm in one myself but considering how much she has hidden from her H, I'm not remotely in the camp that supports him showing his cards and hoping that she suddenly gets honest. I've got a hard time believing that all this submissive business (having equipment and posting stuff online) is done totally solo. Seems to me that we're missing the dom here. I'd want to find out for sure and because I've seen so many waywards lie (and betrayeds that are desperate to believe it), I don't suggest that he just go ask her.

February 9, 2015

For what it's worth, I'm not in the "nuke the marriage" camp. I do, however, believe that MUCH has been hidden from the OP and that quietly investigating is what's needed.

I also agree wholeheartedly that answering the questions you've posed would be remarkably helpful for those trying to give good advice. I'm all for advice about how to develop a healthy and happy D/S relationship as I'm in one myself but considering how much she has hidden from her H, I'm not remotely in the camp that supports him showing his cards and hoping that she suddenly gets honest. I've got a hard time believing that all this submissive business (having equipment and posting stuff online) is done totally solo. Seems to me that we're missing the dom here. I'd want to find out for sure and because I've seen so many waywards lie (and betrayeds that are desperate to believe it), I don't suggest that he just go ask her.

Agree. There is just too much missing from this story. We just simply don't know what's going on.

Is this a case of infidelity? Is it a case of an undisclosed kink? Is this some leftover pics from an old lover showing up on the internet years later? Is it something completely over all of our heads? Is this a troll thread?

Lots of unanswered questions here.

February 9, 2015

.....and I'm not in the "nuke the marriage" camp because I don't even know what the targeting would be or what to set the bombsights on.

There isn't enough information or facts here to even know what's going on.

To make any kind of determination on any course of action I think

- the computer needs to be taken in for professional computer forensics to see if there are any other files, downloads/uploads, any other email accounts and communications etc.

- The phone records need to be pulled to see if there is any txting or phone activity and a search made for other communication apps that don't show up on phone records.

- bank account records and credit reports etc pulled. ....ie is she running some kind of S/M escort service, prostitution, porn photo site operation on the side.

- voice activated recorder in car and any place she may be having private conversations.

A lot more information is needed here.

February 9, 2015

I like this guy. My hope is that it's JUST been pics and no shinanigans.

Hell, you may come outta this on top! Pun fully intended.

February 9, 2015

Agree. There is just too much missing from this story. We just simply don't know what's going on.

Is this a case of infidelity? Is it a case of an undisclosed kink? Is this some leftover pics from an old lover showing up on the internet years later? Is it something completely over all of our heads? Is this a troll thread?

Lots of unanswered questions here.

I don't think the OP is trolling us. Posters have mentioned the fact that once something is on the internet it can be spread far and wide and used against the person involved. If I were the OP wouldn't tell the entire forum which site she is using for fear of that very thing happening.

As to the origin of the pictures and the possibility of an actual affair vs an undisclosed kink I'm thinking the OP doesn't know and cannot give us that information. Although I do think he would be wise to carefully check out the background and try to discover if the photos were taken at his home and by his wife or taken at another location by a 3rd party.

Even if they were taken by a 3rd party that doesn't mean she was with another man. I couldn't take a decent pic of myself to save my life. When I wanted to send some naughty photos to my DH I had a close girlfriend come over to take them for me.

February 9, 2015

For what it's worth, I'm not in the "nuke the marriage" camp. I do, however, believe that MUCH has been hidden from the OP and that quietly investigating is what's needed.

I also agree wholeheartedly that answering the questions you've posed would be remarkably helpful for those trying to give good advice. I'm all for advice about how to develop a healthy and happy D/S relationship as I'm in one myself but considering how much she has hidden from her H, I'm not remotely in the camp that supports him showing his cards and hoping that she suddenly gets honest. I've got a hard time believing that all this submissive business (having equipment and posting stuff online) is done totally solo. Seems to me that we're missing the dom here. I'd want to find out for sure and because I've seen so many waywards lie (and betrayeds that are desperate to believe it), I don't suggest that he just go ask her.

You could be correct.........or

The dom may not be missing at all. Theres probably one or more who have lived in her head for years. Now that she realizes they really exist, and are not just creatures she's made up, she is looking to interact with one in some fashion.

Whether its to observe them from a distance, read what they write online, or actually engage with them either online or in person is unknown, but she is definitely on a slippery slope whether or not she realizes it. Which in my mind is a good reason as any to confront her.

What she is doing is broadcasting in order to find people as close to her own image of what a dom should be. What she plans to do when she finds one is anyones guess.

February 9, 2015

Is her face in these photos? Just out of curiosity. I am a little surprised that a married woman would put her picture up on the internet like this. Anyone could find it.

February 9, 2015

WS,

Sounds like you W is indulging in a world where you were not invited and knew nothing about. Until you speak to her its hard to comment or give any good advice here other than to try and stay calm.

When your W comes home confront her with the photos. Then quietly listen. She will have no choice but to come clean. If she chooses to say nothing and get upset, then I think it is within your own best interest to say nothing, pack a bag and leave.

I think sometimes our spouses need to feel the pain they inflict on us. If your W is smart, which it seems like she is, she will talk to you about this. I hope for your M sake that this goes no further than the photos you have found.

Good luck to you.

February 9, 2015

She will have no choice but to come clean.

With all due respect, she'll have many choices which, if she's like most WS, will tie into what she senses the OP wants to hear.

"The pictures are for you, I just wanted to give you a really memorable Valentine's gift". "I posted them online because I needed other's opinion as to whether they were good". "I was going to tell you about them tomorrow, it was going to be a surprise". Etc, etc, etc.

There's a flip side to this, how many women have caught BF/Husbands trolling dating/hook-up websites and creating single profiles? I'd guess the OP is about to be told some version of the things those women hear - "I was only curious". He'll believe at the same peril they face...

Mr. Lucky

February 9, 2015

She's guilty of bad judgement by posting these pictures online, but how is exposing your body anonymously online comparable to cheating?

It's cheating, she is showing other men naked pictures of her for the specific purpose of getting them off. That is not just bad judgement, but cheating. It's not physical cheating, but it's a type of cheating.

The only way it wouldn't be cheating would be if the guy had been informed about it before she did it.

Edited February 9, 2015 by Spectre

February 9, 2015

It's 7 pm where I live. My wife arrived at home at around 11 am. One of the worst parts of this day was the five minutes after she came in and the time we began to talk. All I could think of was, this is what it must feel like when they say, "dead man walking."

I remained very calm. I asked her to sit down at our kitchen table and told her that we needed to have a very serious discussion. I logged on to the site and showed her the pictures that she had taken of herself. I have never seen such a look on another person's face. Not even at her parent' funerals did I see that look. She literally dropped to her knees and grabbed hold of my legs and began sobbing uncontrollably. I probably should have remained cold but I could not. I caressed the top of her head and her hands. When I touched her hands they didn't feel familiar to me. They felt almost like touching hands on a first date. It wasn't an erotic energy but some type of intense feeling that passed between us. In the air, it felt as if something was ending. Her sobs gradually became the words, "I'm so sorry," and "forgive me." This seemed to last an eternity. For my part, I didn't sob but several tears ran down my cheek.

Again, forgive me for the details I choose not to fill in and for the details that I choose to relate. I am trying my best to write the things that are the most important to me. I am trying to write the things that will give me some measure of relief.

Eventually she calmed down and took her seat. As if there might be something different than the obvious answer. She asked, "What would you like to know?"

February 9, 2015

Sorry I need to take a short break. I appreciate the advice that you all have given me. My pride won't let me share this story with any of my friends.

February 9, 2015

I always thought I was open minded and easy to talk to. I'm starting to wonder if she does not trust me enough to confide in me.

So did I, once upon a time. But she held me on a pedestal and thought that I'd despise her if she told me about wanting this kind of a thing. And to be honest, it wasn't my thing. But after she dumped me for someone else who was into S&M, and these things came out into the light later, I looked inside myself and decided to always be ready to at least try to enjoy whatever my partner wanted to try. I wish I would have been in your position, and at least found out about what was going on before the relationship terminated. Not that it helps if the other person can't open their mouths about what they want.

February 9, 2015

Well, needless to say, we are all pretty anxious on how you responded to, "What would you like to know..."

And how the rest of the discussion has been playing out.

We don't need a play-by-play, but are concerned how you are doing and where you are going from here.

There have been many assumptions by others in this thread that your wife's pictures were of her as a Sub, but perhaps *she* has been the one in the Dominant role. Not that it makes any difference, but it might make sense in the grand scheme of things for those of us that live the lifestyle and understand the psychologies between the two.

Just hoping you are okay and will stick with us for a while to let us know how you are doing.

February 9, 2015

It's 7 pm where I live. My wife arrived at home at around 11 am. One of the worst parts of this day was the five minutes after she came in and the time we began to talk. All I could think of was, this is what it must feel like when they say, "dead man walking."

I remained very calm. I asked her to sit down at our kitchen table and told her that we needed to have a very serious discussion. I logged on to the site and showed her the pictures that she had taken of herself. I have never seen such a look on another person's face. Not even at her parent' funerals did I see that look. She literally dropped to her knees and grabbed hold of my legs and began sobbing uncontrollably. I probably should have remained cold but I could not. I caressed the top of her head and her hands. When I touched her hands they didn't feel familiar to me. They felt almost like touching hands on a first date. It wasn't an erotic energy but some type of intense feeling that passed between us. In the air, it felt as if something was ending. Her sobs gradually became the words, "I'm so sorry," and "forgive me." This seemed to last an eternity. For my part, I didn't sob but several tears ran down my cheek.

Again, forgive me for the details I choose not to fill in and for the details that I choose to relate. I am trying my best to write the things that are the most important to me. I am trying to write the things that will give me some measure of relief.

Eventually she calmed down and took her seat. As if there might be something different than the obvious answer. She asked, "What would you like to know?"

Wow, that was so powerful. I feel like crying just picturing her reaction you described.

I sincerely hope you find happiness in whatever choice this talk with her leads you to make.

February 9, 2015

It's 7 pm where I live. My wife arrived at home at around 11 am. One of the worst parts of this day was the five minutes after she came in and the time we began to talk. All I could think of was, this is what it must feel like when they say, "dead man walking."

I remained very calm. I asked her to sit down at our kitchen table and told her that we needed to have a very serious discussion. I logged on to the site and showed her the pictures that she had taken of herself. I have never seen such a look on another person's face. Not even at her parent' funerals did I see that look. She literally dropped to her knees and grabbed hold of my legs and began sobbing uncontrollably. I probably should have remained cold but I could not. I caressed the top of her head and her hands. When I touched her hands they didn't feel familiar to me. They felt almost like touching hands on a first date. It wasn't an erotic energy but some type of intense feeling that passed between us. In the air, it felt as if something was ending. Her sobs gradually became the words, "I'm so sorry," and "forgive me." This seemed to last an eternity. For my part, I didn't sob but several tears ran down my cheek.

Again, forgive me for the details I choose not to fill in and for the details that I choose to relate. I am trying my best to write the things that are the most important to me. I am trying to write the things that will give me some measure of relief.

Eventually she calmed down and took her seat. As if there might be something different than the obvious answer. She asked, "What would you like to know?"

That's quite the cliffhanger. Too much of a cliffhanger in fact. This is sounding too much like a Nicholas Sparks story.

When people catch their spouse up to no good, they fire things out in bullet points and their own interpretations.

They make statements like, "I found out my wife/husband is having an affair with a coworker." They don't describe the tear rolling down their cheek as their trembling spouse lays prostrate on the floor consumed with their emotion and energy transcends across time and space with their touch.

This is a storybook Telling a story. Not a bereaved spouse asking for advice and guidance on a wayward spouse.

Do we all have to wait for this to come out in paperback?

February 9, 2015

She literally dropped to her knees and grabbed hold of my legs and began sobbing uncontrollably.

It wasn't an erotic energy but some type of intense feeling that passed between us. In the air, it felt as if something was ending.

Her sobs gradually became the words, "I'm so sorry," and "forgive me." This seemed to last an eternity. For my part, I didn't sob but several tears ran down my cheek.

Again, forgive me for the details I choose not to fill in and for the details that I choose to relate. I am trying my best to write the things that are the most important to me. I am trying to write the things that will give me some measure of relief.

Eventually she calmed down and took her seat. As if there might be something different than the obvious answer. She asked, "What would you like to know?"

This is actually a good thing. Her reaction shows she loves you and feels remorse. She is willing to be honest with you now. There is hope, if you want to try to save the marriage.

You said her hands felt different. I bet! You are in a bad place right now. It's natural that you're feelings and thoughts be a bit haywire.

You said it felt like something was ending. Seeing a strong woman on her knees sobbing is not an easy thing. The way you see your wife has changed. Your marriage and relationship with your wife has been forever changed. Something did end. But that doesn't mean you can't carry on together if you want to.

Please let us know how you're doing. And feel free to share as much or as little as you want to share. We'll be here for you.

February 9, 2015

This is a storybook Telling a story. Not a bereaved spouse asking for advice and guidance on a wayward spouse.

Do we all have to wait for this to come out in paperback?

Yeah, I'm beginning to think we've been had...

February 9, 2015

It's 7 pm where I live. My wife arrived at home at around 11 am. One of the worst parts of this day was the five minutes after she came in and the time we began to talk. All I could think of was, this is what it must feel like when they say, "dead man walking."

I remained very calm. I asked her to sit down at our kitchen table and told her that we needed to have a very serious discussion. I logged on to the site and showed her the pictures that she had taken of herself. I have never seen such a look on another person's face. Not even at her parent' funerals did I see that look. She literally dropped to her knees and grabbed hold of my legs and began sobbing uncontrollably. I probably should have remained cold but I could not. I caressed the top of her head and her hands. When I touched her hands they didn't feel familiar to me. They felt almost like touching hands on a first date. It wasn't an erotic energy but some type of intense feeling that passed between us. In the air, it felt as if something was ending. Her sobs gradually became the words, "I'm so sorry," and "forgive me." This seemed to last an eternity. For my part, I didn't sob but several tears ran down my cheek.

Again, forgive me for the details I choose not to fill in and for the details that I choose to relate. I am trying my best to write the things that are the most important to me. I am trying to write the things that will give me some measure of relief.

Eventually she calmed down and took her seat. As if there might be something different than the obvious answer. She asked, "What would you like to know?"

I have not read any posts past this, and I am not likely to.

You know your wife better than any stranger on the internet, be they logical observer, former wayward, still-angry BH, etc.

I urge to to both logically trust your gut and pay attention to what you KNOW about your wife over the years of your marriage. The fact is, whether we are mature enough to admit it, every person on the internet advising you IS reading some of their own situations into it and IS posting with at least perhaps an unintended agenda. Do not let strangers make your choices for you.

I wish you the best.

February 9, 2015

My wife had the same reaction when I confronted her about finding a dozen hotel reservations over the prior six months. She cried, apologized, said she was happy I finally knew, and I found myself in the same bizarre situation - holding and consoling my wife. I'm tempted to go back and find the post. It's creepily familiar.

For the record, her reaction doesn't mean jack crap. My wife admitted to 30 hotel stays and it took me a few months to discover (on my own) that it was more like 70.

I hope your wife does better than mine did and actually comes clean with it all. But I doubt it. Seen this play out too many times.

February 9, 2015

Sorry I need to take a short break. I appreciate the advice that you all have given me. My pride won't let me share this story with any of my friends.

Seriously... we are all voices in the wind here... you don't know us and we don't know you. You reached out to us and asked us to listen now you don't care to share? Sounds Trollish...

I doubt its your pride stopping you. It's your EGO.

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