Problems because of mum??

[PseudoMsIndpndt]

Hey all,

 

It is so nice to see people helping one another...and I know this sounds extremely corny. But...I had to say it.

 

Anyway, I am in a rather tough situation here. Peter and I met about a year ago, and I have to say that the past year was the most amazing year so far in my life. And I am not even one to judge that quickly, but I can really say that. He said he was in love with me two weeks into the relationship...and I was shocked, but I guess after all the things that he did for me...in all the ways he was there for me, I came to believe him. And even though I was extremely scared of commitment (one t??), I find myself extremely attached to him...I really love him. We did a lot of things together...we are just SO in sync. We email one another at the same time...message...phonecalls...all the jazz. So, I guess it is pretty romantic. I fear I might sound like the naive girl in love here, but he says some pretty serious things to me about the future and children and his dreams for us. And I have to say I like it. I am not scared.

 

He met my folks...and they like him. My friends like him... He is just a real sweetheart. I am a reasonable and independent person, and I can honestly say that this guy is just really 'good.' There isn't a tinge of doubt in my mind about him, ever...we take care of one another really well..no games...no drama. We get into little silly fights here and there, but it's nothing we can'd discuss like adults and resolve within an hour.

 

About three months ago, Peter moved to Dallas...from Boston, and we have bee separated ever since. The good part is, however, that nothing between us changed. We just miss one another even more. We see each other on a regular basis...and the trust that we have in one other is just amazingly comforting...

 

Ok, sorry about the rant, but you need to understand where I am coming from.

 

SO...about a month ago, I met his mother...She lives in Australia, and she came to see him for three months...And to see the house he just bought. So I went down to meet her, for a week. And things did not go well, to say the least. Go figure...I mean, I didn't expect us to be best friends or anything, but I also didn't expect such hostility. And I honestly can't think of a rude thing that I have done to upset her...I mean, honestly, why would I want to upset the mother of the guy of my dreams? Right?? Right. But...his mother is just so anti-me, that it is really painful. And Peter lost his dad when he was really young, so his mother is both parental figures in one...so the relationship is pretty strong...which is understandable. Plus I also think there's something about a guy who takes care of his mother as well as Peter does. It shows something.

 

But anyway, for the past month, Peter and I have not been the same in terms of communication. I wasn't able to go to sleep before...if he hadn't called to say goodnight...I just wasn't ok. But, ever since I left...he doesn't do that any more. Now we talk...still a lot, but not at normal times. He would call me on his way to work...from work, on his way home...and sometimes REALLY late at night/early in the morning. In other words, during times his mother can't see we're talking...because it upsets her soo much that she throws tantrums. Peter tried to call me when she was around once, and she got so upset that she packed her bags and wanted to go back to Australia. And so he stopped. Apparently, he is trying to talk to her...protecting me...trying to work things out. But it has been a month, and our relationship has suffered. My Peter is not the Peter that I am used to. He is suffering, I am suffering...for what? Because Queen Mother is unhappy???

 

So, after a month of being really patient with everything...and considerate about Peter's work deadlines...I gave him an ultimatum. I really feel that he needs to step up to the plate, put his mother into place...and tell her what he wants...and that she better deal with it. This morning, we spoke and I told him that if we don't find a solution in which I will hurt less, we should really take a break for a little bit...until he figures things out with his mum. But I just cannot drain my emotions over this any more...especially since it is an issue between the two of them.

 

He began crying...and said he'll think about things and call me back later..... I am hurting...because now I feel guilty...but I just don't know what to think...or do? What do you guys think??? I really appreciate you taking the time to read this!! Thanks so much!

[greenhorn]

Hi there,

 

yep I admit the situation is tough for you and I think it is equally tough for the guy as well.I think you should meet him somewhere other than his home and then discuss with him in a cordial manner.Don't be harsh on him and I am sure you understand his limitations as well.He can't straightaway tell off her mom so he needs to convince her or find some way and I guess you should help him in finding the solution.

 

Best wishes

[PseudoMsIndpndt]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I am afraid of sounding desperate at this point...what if he agrees to the 'break'? I mean, it has been a month...and I tried to be there for him as much as I could. I know he is hurting, which is the main reason this is tough for me, too, but it just has been so long...and this woman, his mother, is completely neurotic and irrational.

 

How does one cope with that? On a daily basis?

[greenhorn]

No I dont think that he would be that extreme so as to break off.

 

Right now he needs your support in dealing with this so please support him and even then he decides to break off then you can't do anything and would have to accept it.

 

But don't cross the bridge before it comes so wait and be with him in this time. If it is possible then be in touch with him .

 

I think it is juvenile analysis to think of break up right now.

[debs]

ah? Pseudo?

 

Him and his Mother have a very dysfunctional relationship. IMO this started due to his father dying and "Queen Mother" transferred the man of the house to her son!

She will be returning to her homeland? when?

 

I can see why the guy left home! He can't have a life with a "Queen Mother" like that!

 

Give him time! During this emotional time with him it is best to lend a shoulder of understanding and support. This was not his fault she turned out to be like this nor is it his decision for her to back off right now. This was a learned tendency and it will take an enormous amount of guts on his part to break away from her as well as develop a healthy relationship with her "Queen Mother" self.

 

She has shown not only immaturity but jealousy towards you that is beyond unhealthy in my eyes!

 

I wish you luck and do let us know how things work out!

 

I do not condone making anyone choose their parent over a love interests or a spouse!

[PseudoMsIndpndnt]

Thanks Debs. Call me Ellen.

 

But I am pretty sure that now he thinks I want a break, and is taking the day to think about it. What if he agrees? I want nothing more than be there for him, but this has been so tough for me.

 

Yes, of course, what you said makes complete sense, and it's been on my mind...a lot.

 

So if he agrees to the break, what am I to do? I know I need to stand my ground...but I would feel terrible thinking that I wasn't there for him.

 

Ugh!!

[PseudoMsIndpndt]

She'll be returning at the end of the month.

 

I posted this already, but I wasn't logged on...so you'll read it twice.

 

I would feel awful if he agrees to take the break. I would feel like I wasn't there for him. But I tried to cooperate for an entire month. What if he calls tonight...and blames me? It would break my heart. But I feel like if I don' t do something drastic, things aren't going to happen.

 

You are right, she's jealous...and completely unreasonable. But I think it has gotten to me....and so I reacted out of such pain and disappointment.

 

I don't know. Agh!!

 

Thanks for your wise input!