Raluky Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year. We are very intimate(both physically and emotionally) and we do almost everything together. We are students and see each other every day. We usually sleep separately during the week, but we stay at his place in the weekends. He is a gamer and one of the particular things that bother me is that he wants to stay up all night and play video games. I insisted to him that it's important to me that we sleep at the same hour, but he insists on doing the opposite. Last Saturday, it was 4am and he wouldn't go to sleep. We got into a really bad fight and out of anger I said that I hate him. Then he said that sleeping together is not really important to him and that he wanted to spend the weekend together to make me feel happy and to save the time he needed to come visit me to my place. He also said that he already makes lots of sacrifices for me regarding video games. What he said kinda made me feel bad. First, because he considers spending time with me is a sacrifice and doesn't come as a first option. Second, because, it seems to me that he's already an active gamer. If he wants to play more than he already does then I don't know how I would handle it. This happened 6 days ago and he still acts mad because I said I hated him. I apologized to him countless times the day after it happened with no effect. I supposed the best solution was to leave him alone. We've both come back to our towns(we are in a 2-week holiday) and since then we've only talked for a few minutes a day, and he gave very short replies even if he was the one to start the conversation. One day he said "wanna watch a movie together", I said ok, he said "neah I'll play Lol". 2 days after, I apologized again, he seemed fine and we had a nice conversation at the moment. But the situation hasn't changed. For 3 days now he has been playing games during the night and sleeping during the day and we don't even get the chance to talk because we're not online at the same time. The situation kinda makes me feel ****ty now. I really miss him and I don't know how much time he needs to get over it. I'm afraid that if I say this to him, he'll say something that will hurt me. How should I approach this situation and solve this conflict permanently? Also, should I be worried that video games are more important to him than I am?
Dallers Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I would hate him too and i'm a guy who is a gamer. I have been him and it is a terrible way to be. I disregarded a great girl in my life at the time and regretted it. That great girl in this situation is you but he is not aware of it yet, you on the other hand are blaming yourself when you are actually the innocent party in all this. The more he evades you and shows you less interest to his precious games the more you pursue him and cannot understand why he does not like you. You are practically beating yourself up for wanting more from him when that is 100% an acceptable request. I am still an avid gamer but any girl that I am involved with has no idea that I even game until she comes into my bedroom and is shocked at the equipment I have, why? Because I never put games in front of real life. She will come first as a human being who is far more important than a made up story. He will not change and you cannot change him, the best thing to do is to move on and you will be very happy with another guy who gives you the attention he wants to give you and what you deserve. 1
jeffmeyers Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 It's hard to backtrack when you say you hate someone. There are probably people in this forum who will say he is inconsiderate still, but one thing that jumps at me from your story is you do everything together. Assuming he's an average straight young man, at one point, he will want, crave even some serious alone time. He could want to hang out with his friends, but your BF seems to prefer gaming to unwind. Now that's assuming he can not play his games very much during weekdays. Now I don't want to sound like I'm just siding with this guy, but I'm trying to relate to him and will admit his behavior sounds familiar to me.
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Hate is a strong word but you were upset & probably a little sleep deprived. You also apologized. While your statement were heat of the moment his actions & sentiments are more long standing & present a much greater problem. You two are incompatible. I would never date somebody who felt that giving up childish video games was a sacrifice he made to be with me. You also have certain expectations about sleeping arrangements; he doesn't share them. That problem will get better not worse. While you apologized for your slip of the tongue, he doesn't see a problem with his beliefs 1
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Look, you know it's wrong to say you hate someone you care about. I imagine that takes a little time to get over and feel safe with that person again. Someone in my own family once told me I was hard to love and I never fogot it. Now when they tell me they love me, I just feel hollow about it. Words hurt. And sometimes we feel that the meanest words our loved ones say to us is the "real" truth about what they think. He is hurting and unfortunately, being passive aggressive about it - like when he invited you to watch a movie and then said "naah, I'll play Lol." He wanted to poke the monkey in the cage. I think all you can do is tell him that you messed up, but you don't want to play games with him. You tell him to contact you when he's really ready to forgive you. Until then, you're going to let him be. Be prepared to miss him and prepared for the fact that he may fall down the rabbit hole in favor of gaming for a while. And when and if he comes out of all that and is ready to forgive you and be with you again, you two need to have a talk about both your needs in the relationship. You want someone who will sleep with you at least sometimes right? And he probably wants someone who supports his gaming right? So set certain days of the week where he comes to bed with you and other days of the week where he can stay up as late as he wants to game. Relationships are about compromise and both of you can make them. And if you can't, then that's an indicator about how that person will handle other situations in your relationship. For now though...give him time...step back..do your own thing...see what he does.
BikerAccnt Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Hate is a strong word but you were upset & probably a little sleep deprived. You also apologized. While your statement were heat of the moment his actions & sentiments are more long standing & present a much greater problem. You two are incompatible. I would never date somebody who felt that giving up childish video games was a sacrifice he made to be with me. You also have certain expectations about sleeping arrangements; he doesn't share them. That problem will get better not worse. While you apologized for your slip of the tongue, he doesn't see a problem with his beliefs I was going to stay out of this thread, until you said the word Childish concerning gaming Donnovin. They are not childish, not any more than any other hobby is. I'm 54 and been a gamer all my life. It's my main form of entertainment. I far prefer it to mindless hours of TV watching, or to..say gardening. e sh That said, the two of them do seem incompatible. Mainly because of sleeping schedule issues and here feelings about the gaming. My GF doesn't understand my gaming either (while my EX Wife was a gamer too, and well, that didn't matter either) but she doesn't try to tell me it's wrong or stop me from playing. Of course, I don't play when I'm with her, and I do tend to go to bed with her at the same time. But, we don't spend as much time together as the poster apparently does. From what I read, they two already spend a lot of time together, a lot. And it seems she wants to control every aspect of what he does with that time. I bet if he had some other hobby he really liked, woodworking for instance, and was in the basement working on it, she'd be upset too. Also, I tend to agree with him on the sleeping issue, especially as I get older. I much prefer a good nights sleep (man can my GF snore! ) as opposed to laying next to someone wide awake! 1
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I was going to stay out of this thread, until you said the word Childish concerning gaming Donnovin. They are not childish, not any more than any other hobby is. I'm 54 and been a gamer all my life. It's my main form of entertainment. I far prefer it to mindless hours of TV watching, or to..say gardening. I'll retract the childish comment. But the rest of my opinion stands. If anybody is picking any hobby over a relationship & saying that they are sacrificing to give up that hobby to spend any time with a partner, it's a problem.
BikerAccnt Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I'll retract the childish comment. But the rest of my opinion stands. If anybody is picking any hobby over a relationship & saying that they are sacrificing to give up that hobby to spend any time with a partner, it's a problem. Depends upon how much of the hobby a person is being asked to give up. As I said, sounds like they spend a lot of time together already. Is he supposed to completely give up his hobby? Suppose they marry or live together, is a person supposed to give up a hobby so they can remained joined at the hip? Have no activity he can do that cuts into time together? I'm not disagreeing that he could handle things better, but you know what, it is a sacrifice to give up something YOU like, for Someone else. Nothing wrong acknowledging that. Not a big sacrifice perhaps, but still a sacrifice.
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 @ BikerAccnt I don't think it's really the hobby that's the problem. I think it's how much he engages in the hobby that is troublesome. Like..I like to garden..but I don't stay up until 4 am to do it. Lets say they get married or have kids, is he going to be gaming because that's his hobby while she's cleaning and picking up after the kids? 1
BikerAccnt Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 @mightyquinn Oh, I agree, I do think that's the issue, and as I said, I think he's wrong about how he handled it, as did she. Perhaps I get a bit defensive because for some reason, gaming is looked at not as a hobby, but as something below a hobby. Something only immature people do. Even tough it's a billion plus dollar industry and makes more money than Hollywood. People are very pointed in their opinions of someone who games for a hobby vs some other form of distraction. But, there does need to be a balance between having a hobby (or any personal activity that is solo oriented) and not. Unless of course kids are involved, then the hobby has to go. Kids always come first over everything else.
veggirl Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 He sounds like as typical college kid. Why don't you go do your own thing Saturday nights?
WomenWubber Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 People need to sleep to think clearly, but I understand not wanting to give up something you like. I think op should consider breaking up with him, since they're both too young to be dealing with that kind of situation.
Author Raluky Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) Thank you everyone for your replies. Now, though I am aware I am a kinda controlling and needy girlfriend, I feel I should defend myself a bit. He has a lot of time to game during the week too. While I usually spend half a day or more at college, he only attends 2 or 3 2hour-classes a week. This is reflected by his grades. He has 3 failed exams now. I think the free time that we spend together is usually fairly divided. When we're not watching something(we don't share any common interests and watching series is the thing we do together most often), then he plays while I'm studying, or he starts playing by himself and I find something else to do. It is annoying because some of the days it seems to me like he doesn't do any effort to maximize the time we spend together. For example, he might sleep or do almost nothing when I'm away, and right after I come over he starts playing. Or he plays all night, we spend one hour together in the morning, then he sleeps for the rest of the day. When we are away, he would sometimes start a conversation with me on Facebook, and while the conversation is still going he'd start playing without saying anything and reply only after 1, 2... 5 hours. If I come to visit and a dorm mate of his comes right after me and wants to play, he chooses to play with his friend. Sometimes he would ask me "Do you mind if I play with X?" when X is in the room and I have to say no even though I feel I need time with him at the moment. Or he contacts a friend and starts playing without saying anything to me. I am talking about the times when we still haven't spend any time together that day(or only little) and he doesn't feel any rush to end the game and cuddle. He also tried to teach me LoL but I turned out to be an awful player, even though I enjoyed it a bit, so he prefers to play with friends or strangers most of the time. Other than that, he can also be very romantic when he tries to. He was very sweet at the beginning of our relationship, taking me out to dates, but now we mostly stay home. I know he needs a social life but this behaviour makes me feel like my company is not enough for him, or that he doesn't consider me a priority. I never asked him to stop playing, but I'd like him to play less when he's with me. He told me that me and games have exactly the same importance for him but for me this isn't quite a compliment. Edited February 7, 2015 by Raluky
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 After reading your reply I would say you need to dump the idiot, he is just a rude immature idiot.. It seems he has a problem with priorities, failing grades and failing relationship due to playing to many games... Go find someone you can relate to and someone who is nice to you instead of being with someone who dismisses you at a whim.
preraph Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 F*** yes, you should be worried that all he loves is video games! There is nothing less productive or less social than playing video games by yourself while refusing to take part in real life. It's not even just about all the neglect it causes when someone has this sort of addiction or obsession; it's also about putting your brain on hold and just anesthetizing yourself, and not any diffferent than people who have to drink or take pills or smoke pot every day because they don't want to grow up or deal with some pain and just want to escape. It's All about escaping. There is nothing about him that promises a good future. He's not productive, he's not ever going to sacrifice anything to make you or your future kids happy. You shouldn't even have apologized to him. He has placed you squarely behind playing childish games. He will very likely never grow up. There are guys who are still like this at 60! Bail!
snowflakes88 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 May I ask why it's so important that you guys go to bed at exactly the same time? The gaming aside, what if your partner simply isn't sleepy when you are?
PogoStick Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 " How should I approach this situation and solve this conflict permanently? " Accept who he is. Stop trying to change him, or break up.
PogoStick Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Now, it is fair for you to communicate and express your needs and desires. If you two can't find common ground then it's time to leave. What you said here is appropriate: "but this behaviour makes me feel like my company is not enough for him, or that he doesn't consider me a priority. I never asked him to stop playing, but I'd like him to play less when he's with me. He told me that me and games have exactly the same importance for him but for me this isn't quite a compliment."
preraph Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I'm 54 and been a gamer all my life. It's my main form of entertainment. See? It never ends.
nomad550 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Now as a relatively core gamer, I know the feeling of how engrossed gaming life can be. I know that if (and hopefully when) I got a girlfriend, then I'd have to "sacrifice" some of my gaming time to try and further the relationship. That's enough about me though, lets get to the current situation. This relationship's problems can easily be surmised to be an issue with priorities. In my opinion, there are three options you have at this point. The first option is to try to force your way into his life. Try adjusting your sleep schedule to better match his, insisting on actual alone time dates (force him away from the computer), or insisting that he should at least have you on his team(s). This way he has to commit the time to be with you. A plus to forcing to have you on his team is that he'll have to teach you how to play at some point, which can be a good bonding experience. The second option is to try to shock him into realizing how important he is to you. My suggestions for this are to either do a cosplay, buy him something, or something a bit more "extreme". Assuming the "extreme" is out of the question, we'll move onto the other parts. As for cosplay ideas, watch the games that he plays, there are bound to be at least one female character (this is especially true for League of Legends, a.k.a. LoL) that every gamer loves. To be truly shocking, you would have to go that extra mile to be detailed. As for gift ideas, a detailed model/sculpture of a character or hardware upgrades to his current gaming setup come to mind. I don't suggest the latter option, since this all stemmed off his gaming reliance, and getting the specs to his computer and providing a compatible upgrade may prove to be a challenge.Lastly, although I hate to say it, you may just have to go with the masses and just dump him. Obviously I want to avoid this result for any relationship. But if he really does prioritize his games that much, sometimes the better lesson for him is to loose something that he didn't know he had. I wish you luck, and I hope that this helps. Edited February 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed off topic portion
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