Blindsided breakup...possibly GIGS?

[Cambria]

Hey everyone. I am new to all this but I have been lurking this site for the last week. I finally decided to post my story and hopefully you all can give me some insight and guidance. This is quite a long story and I will attempt to shorten it as much as possible. I feel that I need to explain our history though, because I think it presents a pattern with him and dating.

 

I am a 29 year old woman and 3 weeks ago the man I loved more than anything in this world dumped me. He is 31 years old in case age matters. We met at band camp my freshman year of high school. I was 14 and he was 16. We became friends. We had a lot of similar interests. Eventually he asked to date me and I said yes. I knew he felt more strongly for me than I did him. I was a bit young for him and not ready for the type of relationship he was ready for. after about 4 months we broke up. I'm not sure who did the breaking up exactly (it was so long ago) but it ended. Not even 2 weeks after the relationship ended he showed up at my door with a new gf. This gf of his had actually been a close friend of his that he had known for a while. I had no idea he had feelings for her. She wasn't attractive (he's a little shallow...but what the heck so am I) and certainly wasn't his type. Supposedly he stopped by just to say hello but it felt like he was showing me that he had moved on quickly. It hurt my feelings. I didn't speak to him after that and we both moved on with our lives.

 

About 8-9 years later we reconnected. We had a mutual friend and ended up meeting at a Halloween party I hosted. He was married at the time and I had a bf. Him and I connected immediately. There was attraction, sparks flying everywhere, and a serious emotional connection to each other right off the bat. We drank and talked and had a great time reconnecting with each other. There was definitely flirting, which I'm not proud of because he was married. After that night we hung out once or twice and I could feel the connection between us getting stronger (we are extremely compatible). Then he wanted me to have lunch with him and his wife. I said yes originally then realized that I needed to back off immediately. So I cancelled lunch and stopped talking to him after that. Every so often over the next year or so he would text me or we would email each other once or twice just to keep in touch. I found out his marriage was on the rocks and I wanted to be there for him but I knew that I couldn't be that person. I didn't want to be an influence on the future of his marriage. I'm not a homewrecker.

 

Then everything changed. Him and his wife separated and he moved out. She wanted the divorce but he wanted to work things out with her. Whatever happened between them really messed him up. I know she had feelings for another man and did t want to work towards fixing their marriage. So he was on his own for a few months and started talking to me again. We talked pretty regularly. I was dating another guy at this point but broke up with him because I had feelings for my guy. I tried to keep distance between us because I knew he needed to work through his marriage issues but he was persistent. He showed up at my door one night and made me come out and see him. It was all over for me from then on. I was absolutely in love with this man and have not stopped loving him since then. We dated for a year before he asked me to move in With him. I was very cautious about this because I thouht it was too soon. I have never given my heart to a man before and I was worried about getting in too deep and getting hurt. He convinced me that everything would be fine and we were so in love so I did move in with him. We both were not the most financially secure people and that issue plagued us throughout our relationship. We were together 5 wonderful years.

 

The biggest issue between us was finances followed by complacency. We used to go out and do things and loved the outdoors (hiking, camping, kayaking, frisbee, etc). Then we got comfortable and stopped doing those things. We gained weight and had to deal with self-esteem issues. He was in a band (music is his first love) and the band was struggling this last year because the other guys weren't taking it seriously. So he quit. I knew that was going to hurt him. Then he didn't get this promotion a work. And that hurt him. I lost my job last year but just started working again, and making more money, back in November. So I thought things were looking up for us financially. We went through a lot of issues outside of our relationship and it was difficult but we weathered the storm. I thought our love was stronger than ever and because we had just gotten over the most difficult financial situation that nothing could bring us down now. Boy was I fooled.

 

We have a mutual friend. She was married when we met her but divorced after her husband cheated. We all spent a lot of time together. My guy and her flirted a bit and I had a bad feeling about her being around him when I wasn't there. I should've told her to back off but I trusted him. Back in August I did ask him to stop flirting with her (he is a natural flirt and I was worried she would get the wrong idea). After I started working again he started spending a lot more time with her when I wasn't home. She has a new bf at the time so I tried not to think too much on it. In December I said something to him about my concerns with him and her hanging out so much. They started working out together, going to lunch, he was going over to her place to drink, etc. I knew something was wrong. He wasn't communicating with me anymore but I didn't see that at the time. She replaced me as his best friend. I was jealous. He was upset with me for not trusting him. He assured me that he had no interest in her. Btw she is not his type and she is not attractive (just like the other girl from back in high school). She dumped her bf and a week later he dumped me.

 

The night he dumped me we all went to a concert together. Him, me, our mutual friend, and his sister. He seemed more interested in our friend. I cried on his sisters shoulder and she told me to "grab him by the balls" before he did something stupid. I guess it was too late for that. When we got home and climbed into bed together he told me he couldn't do this anymore. He said he had been trying to deal with his issues internally but that he had been unhappy for a while now (as in several months maybe longer). He said he loved me and was attracted to me but he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said I didn't do anything wrong and that he thought something was broken in him. He said he went looking at engagement rings a couple months ago and got a big knot in his stomach that wouldn't go away. He Said he couldn't give me what I wanted and that he had to let me go so I could find the right one. He said he wanted to just be single and he wasnt sure if he would marry again. I was absolutely devastated. The man I loved more than anything had slowly been pulling away from me and I didn't even know it. All this time he had been reassuring me that everything was fine, that he loved me. We made plans for the future and our sex life was great. How did I not see this coming? I begged and pleaded like an idiot to just keep trying a little while longer. I told him he was quitting right as our lives were about to change in a good way. I told him I didn't need marriage babies (which is true). All I needed was him by my side. Nothing worked. He left. And went straight to the other friends house.

 

They both assured me there was nothing between them. He has never lied to me before. Three days after he left me he slept with her. Then they decided to try dating. So much for wanting to be single for a while. A week later him and I talked a bit about the living situation. We agreed to remain friends (he is my best friend after all) and would try living as roommates in separate bedrooms. I knew it could work. I'm very good at the friendship thing. He strung me along then last week suddenly said nope never mind I'm moving in with the new gf permanently. So here I am. Completely abandoned. Tomorrow I'm moving out of this place because I can't afford it on my own. I have to go stay with a friend until I'm back on my feet and out of debt that I accrued while we were together. And my ex-friend, his new gf, is just happy as can be. She's taken a sudden interest in learning how to play drums, they went rocking climbing together because it's something he loves. She's terrified of heights. She's changing herself to be what he likes and he is lapping it up.mhe thinks he's happy now. He hasn't even dealt with his own issues.

 

He has always been very close to his family and I have gotten very close to them too. They are now my family. I see them weekly. They are extremely upset and disappointed in him. And they are quite concerned about him moving in with this new girl so quickly. They absolutely hate her...never really liked her even when she was just our friend. So there is a rift between him and his family now. And I am just completely heartbroken. I haven't been eating or sleeping much. Work is just awful now. I can't do any of the things I enjoy. I can't play games or read books or watch tv. I just sit here by myself and do nothing or consult the bible or look up self help stuff. I cry a lot. And when I sleep I dream about him. When I get turned on I think about him. When I'm at work I daydream about us reconciling sometime in the future once the honeymoon phase of his new relationship wears off and he realizes he made a big mistake. I try not to focus on the idea of reconciliation, but it's hard not to. He is my soulmate. I know I'm my heart that I was made for him and him for me. We are meant to be together and I am absolutely miserable without him.

 

He is helping me move tomorrow. It's going to be an extremely difficult day. After that I've decided to initiate no contact with him until May. Him and I are going to another concert in May with his sister. His new gf is not welcome and he knows that. We actually bought the tickets a week ago...after the breakup. He wants to be friends as do I. But I want more and I will always want more. Is no contact a good idea for now? Do you think that he is suffering from grass is greener syndrome? I know I need to get myself together and try to move on with my life. But do you think there is a chance for reconciliation? I don't know what to do. I want this pain to stop. It's so real it's physical and it hurts so much.any guidance would be welcome. I'm sorry this story was so long but him and I have so much history and he has hang ups from his previous marriage. Please help.

[fronk]

Why are you doing this to yourself? What possible good could come from him helping you move when he is with someone else? Man this is tough to read as I am coping with a recent BU as well.

 

Stand up for yourself....you are better than that. You don't need him. Be strong.

[Cedar27]

I'm very good at the friendship thing.

 

No you aren't. A friend is someone who doesn't have feelings for the other person. That's not a true and equal platonic friendship.

 

And he isn't very good at it either. I think both of you have some serious boundary issues when it comes to opposite sex friends, which has played a huge role in your relationships/break ups in the past. Both of you have been in and out of relationships because you end up falling for opposite sex "friends" that you refuse to set boundaries with. Then that relationship doesn't work out, you jump into the arms of another friend and repeat the process.

 

Part of being in a committed relationship is setting boundaries with opposite sex friends. That means including your spouse whenever possible, not going out alone with them, not doing boyfriend/girlfriend things, not becoming emotionally attached, not talking about relationship issues, not running to them when your current relationship is in the dumps, not keeping secrets, etc. Basically if there's anything you are talking to them about you wouldn't want your spouse/partner to know, you've already crossed the line.

 

Opposite sex friends in a relationship are a VERY tricky thing, and should try to be avoided or toned down as much as possible so you can devote your time and energy to your partner. It's about trust preservation and affair proofing your relationship. In many cases opposite sex friends are only around waiting for their moment to pounce (more popular with men than women, but it is the 21st century). In my opinion its rare to have equal opposite sex friends with no sexual tension, no physical/emotional attraction, etc. from at least one of the two people involved. I have seen countless relationships destroyed by these so called friends. However we are in a new age where it seems impossible not to at least have a few, but when you are in a relationship you really need to put the breaks on it and set some clear boundaries.

 

You guys sound like you need some serious space from one another right now. I would not be his friend. I would no longer see him. He is with another woman.

 

I don't think this is GIGS at all. Do you guys have a future together? I don't know. It definitely will not be possible if you continue to be around for him, and if you two get back together and neither of you learned anything it will just go down the tubes again.

 

I know you are hurting but please take the time to understand you guys are in your late twenties at this point. It's no longer high school. It's no longer college. Relationships are an organic thing to preserve and if one or both of you are putting yourself in positions that are going to threaten the relationship…don't be surprised when it blows up.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Cedar27

[Cambria]

Thank you both for the reply.

 

As for him helping me with the move...I have nobody else strong enough to help me move the big stuff. After that I won't see him again until mid-May.

 

I absolutely agree he has this issue with opposite sex friends. I don't have that problem. I Don't have any opposite sex friends that I am particularly close too. He was the one I always confided in for everything. I never discussed personal things with other men. He has established this pattern of getting close to a new girl that is a friend when things get difficult in a relationship. I will definitely establish no contact with him after tomorrow. I will most likely see him at the concert in May, and then after that I will keep up no contact again. Every time I see him or talk to him it feels like me heart is breaking all over again. So I will stay away from him.

[Light Breeze]

He is helping me move tomorrow. It's going to be an extremely difficult day. After that I've decided to initiate no contact with him until May. Him and I are going to another concert in May with his sister. His new gf is not welcome and he knows that. We actually bought the tickets a week ago...after the breakup. He wants to be friends as do I. But I want more and I will always want more. Is no contact a good idea for now? Do you think that he is suffering from grass is greener syndrome? I know I need to get myself together and try to move on with my life. But do you think there is a chance for reconciliation? I don't know what to do. I want this pain to stop. It's so real it's physical and it hurts so much.any guidance would be welcome. I'm sorry this story was so long but him and I have so much history and he has hang ups from his previous marriage. Please help.

 

First of all, you got overlapped. It's really hard to be feeling in love with someone when you're cheating on them. Basically, what happened was he got into an emotional affair (probably even physical) with this friend, fell "in love", then planned to break it off with you so he can be with her, then up and leaves.

 

Being friends with an ex you have that kind of feelings for, virtually won't work. You, buying a tticket after the breakup and actually planning on pushing through with it is a very cruel move on yourself.

 

Is there a chance for reconciliation? I don't know, but not in the near future I'm sure. Bigger question is, why do you want this cheater back? You deserve better than this you know.

 

Go NC, forget that concert and refund the tickets, ask someone else to help you move. Get busy and improve yourself. Gather your support system.

 

Don't put him in a pedestal and think that he is the "one"(soulmate). There are plenty of men out there who you will be more compatible with and treat you like you deserve to be treated.

[fronk]

Thank you both for the reply.

 

As for him helping me with the move...I have nobody else strong enough to help me move the big stuff. After that I won't see him again until mid-May.

 

I absolutely agree he has this issue with opposite sex friends. I don't have that problem. I Don't have any opposite sex friends that I am particularly close too. He was the one I always confided in for everything. I never discussed personal things with other men. He has established this pattern of getting close to a new girl that is a friend when things get difficult in a relationship. I will definitely establish no contact with him after tomorrow. I will most likely see him at the concert in May, and then after that I will keep up no contact again. Every time I see him or talk to him it feels like me heart is breaking all over again. So I will stay away from him.

 

It's not worth it...find someone else. Or if you must don't talk or ask him about anything to do with his life or current relationship and set those boundaries with him from the start. As far as you going to the concert in MAY....DON'T DO IT. And I would recommend that you break contact with his family member's as well. Read my other posts...I was asking if I could stay friend's with my GF's Aunt. Well I talked to her tonight and I feel like sh*1.

[Cedar27]

 

I absolutely agree he has this issue with opposite sex friends. I don't have that problem.

 

He might have MORE of a problem, but still. You have a problem.

 

Haven't you broken up with past partners because of this guy? It sounds like you have always had feelings for him but never removed him from your life completely. You say you didn't go as far as "Wrecking his marriage" but the second he was single you had no problem dumping whoever you were with to be with him. The second he was separated there you were.

 

Just because you don't have many close opposite sex friends doesn't mean you don't have an issue with boundaries. Your main opposite sex friend that you've had a problem with has been this guy. He's the problem. I think you need to realize you can't just be friends with HIM. A true and equal platonic friendship is one where BOTH parties do not have any sort of romantic attraction towards one another. YOU DO. So you aren't good at being his friend.

 

He sounds like he has some major issues to work out. I don't see his new relationship lasting long. With your history, he may just come running back to you one day. It could be in a few months, a few years, or a decade….but I have a suspicion he will be back. Don't wait around for him. If both of you happen to be single and you can somehow look past the cheating, I think both of you are going to need to have some ground rules before you even think about getting serious. Hell I think a couples counseling session would be in order before you even get back together.

 

But these are all huge IFs. Right now just leave him alone.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Cedar27

[Cambria]

I can't thank you all enough for your responses. I need to hear these things. I need to get it in my head that it's time to move one.

 

The concert was his idea actually. And he said he did not plan on bringing the gf with him. And of course I liked the idea of being able to see him again in a few months.

 

If he comes back into my life at a later point i don't know what I'll do. I fear that I will give in to him again and the cycle will begin anew.

[Cedar27]

The concert was his idea actually. And he said he did not plan on bringing the gf with him.

 

Lol his new girlfriend is fine with him seeing a concert, alone with his ex girlfriend who still obviously has feelings for him? Or would this be some sort of secret thing? Obviously he doesn't see a problem with it.

 

This guy is a piece of work.

[Light Breeze]

Lol his new girlfriend is fine with him seeing a concert, alone with his ex girlfriend who still obviously has feelings for him? Or would this be some sort of secret thing? Obviously he doesn't see a problem with it.

 

This guy is a piece of work.

 

Lol. Agreed, what a guy.

 

Cambria, be careful, I'll bet dollars to donuts that while he is seeing this girl he'll drop you breadcrumbs like hell to keep you on the backburner. Don't let him do that and initiate complete NC. For now, your healing is your top priority.

[Cambria]

Cedar, what you've said makes a lot of sense to me. I do have serious boundary issues with him. I think you're right. I'll never be able to just be friends with him. If we do reconnect in the future I will definitely insist on therapy first. But I do hope I am able to move on.

 

And the concert thing...she seemed perfectly fine with it. I told her she was a terrible person and haven't talked to her since all this went down. But she seems to think we are still friends. I don't get her at all. And I don't understand why she would be ok with the concert but at the time I didn't even care. I just kept thinking that my ex and I and his sister would have a great time seeing our favorite band together and the. He would see what an awesome girl he gave up. I Can't believe I agreed to go to the show. It's a bad idea and it's only going to hurt me. I shouldn't go.

[Cedar27]

Cedar, what you've said makes a lot of sense to me. I do have serious boundary issues with him. I think you're right. I'll never be able to just be friends with him. If we do reconnect in the future I will definitely insist on therapy first. But I do hope I am able to move on.

 

And the concert thing...she seemed perfectly fine with it. I told her she was a terrible person and haven't talked to her since all this went down. But she seems to think we are still friends. I don't get her at all. And I don't understand why she would be ok with the concert but at the time I didn't even care. I just kept thinking that my ex and I and his sister would have a great time seeing our favorite band together and the. He would see what an awesome girl he gave up. I Can't believe I agreed to go to the show. It's a bad idea and it's only going to hurt me. I shouldn't go.

 

Now you are thinking clearly.

 

To be honest with you….the kind of things he has done would be major deal breakers for most people. Do you have low self esteem issues? Or are you just the kind of person that can look past someone like this? This guy sounds like has no respect for relationships. He doesn't try to build any sort of trust. He jumps from one to another, cheating along the way. He keeps other women on back burners so when things go south in his current relationship he has a constant back up plan.

 

If you take him back later, you are a saint. You should only do it if the guy has a serious wake up call and realizes what an a-hole he has been his whole life and then is willing to go through hell just to have a chance with you again. Therapy would just be the beginning. But do you really want to have to go through all of that, or would you rather find a guy that would treat you like a queen and respect you from the get-go?

[Cambria]

I've suffered from low self esteem my whole life due to abuse when I was younger. He made me feel better about myself. He showed me that I was worth something. Since dating him I have grown in so many ways. I'm a more confident person now and he helped me become a better person. Maybe that's part of the reason why this hurts so much. Because I trusted him completely and he destroyed that trust. I've never in my life completely trusted another person except for him. I gave him all of me and he threw it away.

 

If it was any other guy it would've absolutely been a deal breaker. I've dumped guys for far less infractions. And I've dated a lot. But with him....it's different. I truly thought he was the one.

[SycamoreCircle]

GIGS is always the first hope of the dumpee. We tell ourselves this syndrome will bring our loved one back to us. You need to dispense with that idea altogether.

 

The relationship is over.

 

Any attempt at friendship with this guy is going to bring you more pain than you can pack into a Miley Cyrus video.

 

Why devalue the new girl but offer ex-bf your friendship? Is he her dupe? Get a grip. This guy has been cheating on you, at least emotionally, from the day you noticed he was hanging out at her place an awful lot.

 

Sever connection with his family. Hire a guy off of CL to help you move. Don't go to any music event with ex. Flush this immature jerk out of your life. Delete his number. Pack up anything that reminds you of him and tuck it away.

 

It sounds like you've many practical concerns on your plate. Focus on those, while maintaining strict NC. Reconnect with friends and family not associated with him. Post on LS. Allow yourself to grieve the deep loss this is. Read other people's stories. We are here to support you. It's going to be an arduous journey but if you use this opportunity to emotionally educate yourself, you'll come out the better.

 

You can rest assured that the relationship between your ex and this new girl is DOOMED. Why? It's two emotionally immature people willing to hurt others to get what they want. This sort of condition never fosters love. Am I saying this to give you hope? No. This guy is not ready for a real, loving relationship. Maybe in 10 years. Commit yourself to realizing this and moving on with your life.

[Cedar27]

To add to the above poster. GIGS is definitely something that dumpees like to hold onto so we can somehow justify the break up. It's like a disorder we can label someone with to excuse their behavior. This way we can wait around for them until it has run its course. I do think it is a pretty good explanation of what some people go through when they break up with someone, especially if they are young. However, by no means should you hold onto your ex for dear life while they may or may not sort through GIGS. Move on whatever the cause of the break up. If it was meant to be it will be.

 

That being said, the OP's ex doesn't come close to meeting the definition of GIGS at all.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Cedar27

[Cambria]

Wow. Thank you Sycamore. I needed that. It hurts to hear it but you guys are right. And yes Ive been hoping it was GIGS.

 

As for my ex-friend...it's easier for me to dislike her because I'm not in love with her. She broke the friend code and the girl code by getting inappropriately close to him and the by allowing him to stay with her. She was the first person I went to when he left me. I had no idea that she was the one he went to as well. And she offers him a place to stay and not me. Well now I know why. But it's easier to feel anger towards her. I only feel pain when I think of him.

 

I know I need to move on and focus on myself. I wish there was a specific time frame for getting over someone. It would make it easier if I knew when this pain would stop.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Cambria

[Cedar27]

Cambria,

 

I feel for you. I really do. You put your trust and faith in this man and he runs off with your "friend". This is a good time to reevaluate what a true friend means to you. What a boyfriend means to you. What your standards mean to you.

 

For so long you've held low standards and normalized bad behavior. Not that most would go back into a relationship with a person like this, but if you are that type of girl……if this thing will EVER work in the future you need to have some standards as to what is acceptable behavior. Find inner peace and meaning in your own life. Then and only then if this man crawls back to you can you lay down some ground rules.

 

By applying these things to your life you also open up the door for better men to come through it. Good luck. You will find inner peace, and find a man that loves you. Trust in that.

 

Men DO change. But often times it takes incentive. If you hold a hard bargaining position and ignore him right now, he could just be the man you always wanted. But you have to move on with your life without him, and if he comes back make some serious ground rules he has to follow. If he truly has changed and learned from his horrible behavior, he will gladly accept the probationary period….no matter how restrictive. Then and only then will you get the man you wanted all along.

 

A better man may also come into your life, and you will forget all about this one. Whichever one comes first, right?

Edited February 7, 2015 by Cedar27

[ManyDissapoint]

Relationships...sigh.

 

When I was 24 I had a girlfriend who was out of a four year relationship...just a few weeks before we got together. I was so ignorant and naive. She told me she was SO over him, he did X, Y and Z bad things and I'm so much better.

 

She dumped me unceremoniously after 5 months and was with him the same day. I was a textbook rebound. She had said she just wants to be single.

 

Anyway people are **** and they do **** things. Try not to be one of those people. There has to be some kind of cosmic reward at the end of the day, right?

 

You sound like a really sweet girl. You will beat this. This man is not worth your time or concern, even though that's an impossible concept because you love him. His actions have shown you much more than his words ever could.

 

There are guys out there that would never do this to you, but you must let go of this man, it's over.

[mightycpa]

Not all blindsided breakups are GIGS. Besides, what difference does it make? If it is GIGS, will that make you feel any better?

 

The best medicine for you right now would be change... lots of change, as in get rid of him and mutual friends, doing things together, etc.

 

Find some time to grieve, and then set out to do new things with some new people if you can.

[HowWillICope]

OP, I don't mean to come down hard on you....but one thing that annoys me so much is people who trust a guy that cheats (or at least emotionally cheats) on his WIFE or significant other with YOU. How the HECK are you so shocked and surprised that he did the EXACT same thing TO YOU with another girl. *shakes head*

 

He clearly has proven to you from the get go that he doesn't have boundaries. I say treat this as a lesson learned and go NC to both him and his new gf (he'll likely cheat on her too eventually *sigh*). I don't know why you would want him back because he's not working or willing to work on the issues that he has even admitted to having. He just jumps from relationship to relationship!

 

On the other hand, this could be karma on you because you emotionally cheated on all the other boyfriends you had...with HIM. And as soon as he became available you dumped your other bfs. I'm sure you breaking up with these other guys must have blindsided them too bless them! Because obviously they didn't know about your emotional attachment to this guy.

 

Moral of the story: You have issues setting boundaries. HE has issues setting boundaries. You both are just wrong for each other right now. It's best for you to leave him alone, work on yourself and start fresh with someone new.

 

Good luck.