jebrooks1988 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Sorry for the novel in advance! Here's a little background info: So I met this guy in November, I'm black and he's white, first time for both of us seeing people outside of our race. I live two hours away but I'm always in his area doing things with my friends. I never initiated contact and didn't ask to hang out. He always asked for me to spend the night and a lot of times I couldn't and he usually texts me every other day. Here's the issue:One day I left my bracelet at his house so I went to go get it before I went out with my girlfriends on Saturday night (I was dressed very sexy) and he was doing his laundry.He looked at me and asked if I was going on a date and I made a face and he stopped what he was doing and said "No really are you going on a date?", I said "yes" and he said "Oh nice" then proceeded to ask me all these questions: how long have you known him? where are you guys going? how many dates have you been on? are you sleeping with him? is he a black guy? and my favorite question, how black is he? I told him yes I've been on multiple dates with this guy and that I've known him for a while but avoided the am I sleeping with him question (dumb I know). He says well after your date come over and spend the night and we can go out and do something tomorrow and I said we'll see. While walking me to my car he said you should tell him you were just making out with a white guy, which I thought was odd. Later that night he texted me multiple times to come over but I fell asleep. I didn't get to hang out with him the next day because I was busy but then asked me to spend the night again that same night but he fell asleep before I got a chance to reply. I saw him after he got off work that Monday and here's where it got really bad and I did something really dumb. As soon as he saw me he immediately asked how my date was and I said fine and we're sitting there holding hands and he was asking about the guy that I supposedly went out with and I said "Yea I've got a roster" and he said "Oh so where am I on your roster?" I said "Oh you're number 5, you're dead last" and how I had a few guys around his area and a few back home and that I had a #1. He asked well what does your #1 do that I don't do? I said well he actually calls and takes me out on dates. He said well I guess I need to step up and actually take you out on dates huh? To which I said yea you do. I go back home and that week I can see that he's really trying. He even wanted me to come spend the night during the middle of the week but I couldn't. Eventually he goes away with his friends that weekend, he comes back and we see each other and asked me if I saw my #1 this weekend. I tried to ignore the question by deflecting and said "Well what about your number one? I'm not dumb, we're not having sex so I know you've got to be getting it from someone else" he told me he hadn't had sex in over a month. He proceeds to tell me that he has a number one also and then says "Oh and she's white" I guess to throw it in my face? He says his #1 initiates contact and she actually lives up there. He told me he doesn't want to compete and spend money on me if other guys are doing that and says he doesn't know if he wants to try. My friends said he made up the #1 to save face. I don't hear from him all week and then he tells me "I don't know I don't want to lead you on...if we're both dating other people i don't know if this will go anywhere...i was cool with just hanging out but don't want to get serious that's why we don't go out I guess" How could it be getting serious if I'm supposedly seeing other guys? That doesn't make sense. So he told me he wasn't upset that I was seeing other guys and he asked how "black" the other guy was as a joke. He added that he didn't want me to get jealous of other girls and if I ever want to be exclusive be prepared for him to say no. He then repeats that he just doesn't want to compete. I told him I understood and said all the best. Two weeks go by and I felt like I screwed it up so I ask to come over and he says sure and he said I ended things with him (even though I felt like it was him) and he doesn't know why he said all those things to me and for me to forget what he said. Um what lol? I then ask where did this whole jealous of other girls thing come from ? He said well would you be jealous of other girls? I said well would you be jealous of other guys? He said I won't be jealous of other guys if you won't get jealous of other girls (now I'm getting even more confused) He asked me to spend the night which I did. I get home the next day and he text me at 10 pm and said good job making the bed and I said oh why thank you and speaking of bed you definitely hogged all the covers last night.He never responded back and that was two days ago...Now I'm thinking he's just stringing me along but my friends said he's just taking a step back and is doing his thing and that we're both tip-toeing around what we really want (me not wanting him to talk to other girls and vice versa). My friends said he was probably hoping to have something more with me until I brought up the roster thing. So did I screw things up? What made him say forget everything that he said (I don't want to lead you on, etc..)?What was that whole I won't get jealous if you don't get jealous? Was he just trying to save face by saying he had a number one? Is he stringing me along? Pretty much what in the world is going on? lol What do I do?
Mrin Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Ya. You pretty much screwed that up. Not sure how you put the toothpaste back in the tube except maybe go to him and say you made the whole thing up to make him jealous.
Author jebrooks1988 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Ya. You pretty much screwed that up. Not sure how you put the toothpaste back in the tube except maybe go to him and say you made the whole thing up to make him jealous. :/ i know but why would he say to forget what he said a few weeks ago? And did he just text me then didn't respond because he's kind of taking a step back? My friend's said that he's hesitant right now because as far as he knows I still have all these other guys and he thinks that I'm the one stringing him along...
Zahara Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You both sound like 12 year olds trying to manouver courting or an attempt at taking a stab at a relationship. You play passive aggressive games by trying to make him jealous, push and pull, play coy, acting indifferent -- then he follows suit to try and play you at your game. Sounds like you're insecure and you hide behind this "I'm tough and don't care" facade and then when it blows up in your face, you're confused as to what happened. I even have to wonder if you really like him or you're just antsy that he's now not paying you attention. If you want to be in an adult relationship, know what you want, be honest with your intent and communicate it. 2
Author jebrooks1988 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 You both sound like 12 year olds trying to manouver courting or an attempt at taking a stab at a relationship. You play passive aggressive games by trying to make him jealous, push and pull, play coy, acting indifferent -- then he follows suit to try and play you at your game. Sounds like you're insecure and you hide behind this "I'm tough and don't care" facade and then when it blows up in your face, you're confused as to what happened. I even have to wonder if you really like him or you're just antsy that he's now not paying you attention. If you want to be in an adult relationship, know what you want, be honest with your intent and communicate it. I agree 100% with your post minus the insecure part. This guy has only had one serious relationship and it only lasted a few months so in some twisted way I thought he would be happy to hear that I was not (well at least at the time) focusing all of my attention on him. I did't think he was the relationship type and as things have progressed, and correct me if I'm wrong, it seems as though he wanted more with me. So at this point in time is he just backing off or what? I do want to be exclusive with him actually just did not want to look like a fool if he's no longer interested.
Zahara Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) I agree 100% with your post minus the insecure part. This guy has only had one serious relationship and it only lasted a few months so in some twisted way I thought he would be happy to hear that I was not (well at least at the time) focusing all of my attention on him. I did't think he was the relationship type and as things have progressed, and correct me if I'm wrong, it seems as though he wanted more with me. So at this point in time is he just backing off or what? I do want to be exclusive with him actually just did not want to look like a fool if he's no longer interested. You're insecure that is why you play passive aggresive games. Let me show him that I am indifferent and then maybe he will chase me, maybe then I can figure out his intent, maybe he'll like me, etc. If you liked him, when he was showing you interest, you would have confidently reciprocated instead of creating a mindphukk in your own head. You show him disinterest and then you ask if he is backing off. Sounds like he is. I wouldn't blame him. If a guy told me I'm #5 and dead last on the list, I'd tell him to go to hell. I think you liked the attention, that's about it. You were stringing him along and now you're wondering if the tables have turned. Edited February 6, 2015 by Zahara
Author jebrooks1988 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 You're insecure that is why you play passive aggresive games. Let me show him that I am indifferent and then maybe he will chase me, maybe then I can figure out his intent, maybe he'll like me, etc. If you liked him, when he was showing you interest, you would have confidently reciprocated instead of creating a mindphukk in your own head. You show him disinterest and then you ask if he is backing off. Sounds like he is. I wouldn't blame him. If a guy told me I'm #5 and dead last on the list, I'd tell him to go to hell. I think you liked the attention, that's about it. You're exactly right because eventually I put the shoe on the other foot and realized how badly I screwed up. If this were one of my friends I would tell her to leave the guy alone immediately because he's just toying with her. I thought by me taking the initiative and going over to his house and staying the night was showing that I'm interested, but I'm guessing that was not enough. My friends are saying it seems like I am the one stringing him along and by him saying I won't get jealous if you don't was him gauging/ tip toeing around saying he doesn't want me talking to other guys. Did he want something more with me other than just casual? If so, then I will put my big girl pants and finally go about this the right way, end all the games, and say exactly what I wanted.
Zahara Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) I thought by me taking the initiative and going over to his house and staying the night was showing that I'm interested, but I'm guessing that was not enough. It wasn't about that being enough -- you showed him absolute indifference and even minimized him by telling him how insignificant he was. How does that work in your mind? Just because I show up means I'm interested but lets just disregard the many times I shove it in your face that I'm really not into you. My friends are saying it seems like I am the one stringing him along and by him saying I won't get jealous if you don't was him gauging/ tip toeing around saying he doesn't want me talking to other guys. Did he want something more with me other than just casual? If so, then I will put my big girl pants and finally go about this the right way, end all the games, and say exactly what I wanted. Your friends are right. Who knows what he wanted from you but the only way to find out is to fess up that you were playing games and communicate your real intent. Edited February 6, 2015 by Zahara
stellamaria Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Hmm. I don't really know what it's like to date, so my opinion is probs not worth much. But I don't know why you'd tell him you were dating. Guys and girls both surely prefer exclusivity? I very much doubt I'd feel secure enough to date a guy that was also dating other girls. So, I think you should admit you lied. Tell him you were playing it cool to avoid coming on too strong, but that you really like him and would like a shot at being exclusive with each other. The worst he can say is no. I know no one likes rejection, but it sounds as tho you've pushed him away anyway, certainly not done yourself any favours.
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