OrangeParty Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Just curious to know how you would approach this issue with a potential partner. Some are non-negotiable, "absolutely no" deal-breakers. What about yellow flags? Have you found yourself having too many deal breakers that is limiting the pool? Do you compromise on certain initially-deal-breaking traits, but not on others? Is it healthy to compromise on principles? How far would you go?
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Deal breakers are inviolate imo, but you can't have too many & they really need to be serious deal breakers. Mine have always been No drugs; No felony convictions and you can't currently be married while I'm dating you. I actually broke that one once & dated a man whose divorce was not yet finalized. It only served to remind me why that had to be a deal breaker. Principles are a little less stringent for me. Yes I want the other person to have some but they don't have be exactly mine. For example, DH & I are of different political parties. It can be helpful to compromise on the little things. Not everybody looks like a supermodel & most people are not millionaires but it's OK to require your partner to have a solid work ethic & be well groomed. Hair & eye color, a few extra pounds, address, car ownership, and love of your personal favorite hobby are pluses but should not determine whether you will even go on one date with someone. 3
preraph Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You can't go so far as to expect the person to be just like you or hold your own views on every single thing. I literally have never met a person who shared all my views. I think it's unrealistic. That said, certain things are too important to me to be overlooked. I once broke off a budding romance with a guy I'd always admired because as a strict Libertarian, he couldn't sanction jailing violent abusers in domestic violence situations, even when it was evident the first thing they'd do is go back and beat the woman up again. He felt he shouldn't be held until proven guilty. I said, What if the woman is obviously injured and the guy is obviously out of control? The woman needs time to disappear or protect herself. It arose out of a certain case involving a police chief's son who (in another nearby city) the police did not pick up and take in after he had been causing a disturbance that different apartment dwellers had reported (acting crazy outside) followed by a call from his girlfriend with a child in the apartment with her that he had been hitting and kicking her. He was outside when police came and told them he was cool now, no big deal, and they just left and didn't do anything. He, later that day, shot up a car full of random apartment dwellers, killing the driver, with the driver's wife and kids looking on. All because they neither jailed nor charged the guy after the girlfriend called. The guy and I had met online discussing the polygamist compound thing and we had disagreed on their rights as well, in fact, argued about it for about six weeks, and at the end of it came up for air crushing on each other (he was a journalist) but when it came to this, I just had to say I can't be with a man who won't advocate for protecting the victims for the sole reason that he's basically against any amending of the Constitution. This was a hot button issue for me, and if I'm going to be with a man, they better have my back on domestic violence issues. Having some differences can expand both of you, but there are some dealbreakers even beyond the ones that should be obvious, like no steady job, player, not really that into you -- which I confess I have not always had the same set of dealbreakers as the traditional ones and have few regrets about doing so, but that's only because I was not looking to marry and have kids and everything that you need all that stability for. But whatever you know you can't live without, those are your requirements.
Author OrangeParty Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) You can't go so far as to expect the person to be just like you or hold your own views on every single thing. I literally have never met a person who shared all my views. I think it's unrealistic. That said, certain things are too important to me to be overlooked. This is really what I'd like to know. I want to know what kind of dealbreakers can I "downgrade" to a preference in order to be realistic. What do you overlook, and what do you stand your ground on. For example, leaving out the really obvious ones like not into you, chronic liar, convicted felon, my personal "must have" list looks something like this: Atheist/agnosticNo kids, do not want kidsLikes catsNo drugs, no smokingAmbitious and have goals in life (so I know she won't leech off me) I'm thinking about 1 and 4, if I should "compromise" a little. I've only ever met two kinds of people, atheists or extremely religious. I haven't met a middle-ground person before. But maybe a non-religious and a religious can work together? As in, don't write someone off just because they have a faith. Hard drugs are out. But is weed very bad? I learnt recently that many people in my college town smoke weed for funsies. One of my friends does, and he doesn't look like the typical money-stealing, bloodshot eyes type. He's active, funny, sociable, pretty much like a normal person. I admit that I have very little knowledge of this issue -- I didn't even know there was such a thing as "hard" and "soft" drugs until recently. Edited February 6, 2015 by OrangeParty
preraph Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Atheist/agnostic -- It doesn't make much difference what religion they are as long as they are not focused on religion. So no, a nonbeliever wouldn't want to be with a person who goes to church on Sunday and lives their life around believing God will provide and all that. But there are a whole lot of people who would say they're Christian but don't go to church and don't talk about it much, but that's just how they were raised. As long as you're not fanatical and one of those people who has to convert everyone, it shouldn't be a big issue. No kids, do not want kids - If you are sure you don't want kids (I didn't either), that does severely limit your selection, but there are whole websites and meetup groups dedicated to putting the childfree together. That's the buzzword for not wanting them, "childfree." About the only thing the childfree (I used to moderate a childfree site) have in common is they are more prone to be a bit untraditional, without which, of course, they would be driven to have kids just to fit in. But I won't lie to you, this will exclude about 90 percent of women, although the trend now is starting to go toward more people opting to be childfree. The percentage is highest in college graduates. Likes cats - Just don't expect anyone to choose you over their existing cat, because no decent person would do that, but not everyone has a cat, so as long as you are up front about this, it shouldn't hinder you. No drugs, no smoking - As someone who has done everything in the distant past, I can only tell you with drugs and alcohol (same thing really) it totally depends on the person's propensity to addiction. If a person inherits the addiction or if the person has lived with bad abuse and trauma of any type, they will be more prone to become addicted to ANYTHING. If there were no drugs, they'd be addicted to shopping or gambling or stalking someone. Recent statistics revealed that only about 1 in 10 drinkers who "abuse alcohol," in other word drink way too much, were actual addicted alcoholics. It was previously thought the number was much higher. By far the worst drug addictions are heroin, meth, crack, and prescription painkiller and narcotic drugs. These habits are very hard to break for anyone and nearly impossible for an addict. Right now, the biggest problem out there is prescription drugs. The other drugs, pot, hallucinogens, alcohol, it's a big red flag if someone can't get through the day without them or they're anesthetizing with them. But if it's rare occasional use, other than being risky business you may rightfully not want around you, not a real big deal. If someone's behavior changes radically after drinking or they black out and lose memory, that's usually a sign they are alcoholic. Ambitious and have goals in life (so I know she won't leech off me) - Everyone should have life goals. But remember that people in their 20s may still be trying to find out what they want to do
Author OrangeParty Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 As long as you're not fanatical and one of those people who has to convert everyone, it shouldn't be a big issue. As I said, haven't met such a person. No kids, do not want kids - But I won't lie to you, this will exclude about 90 percent of women, So this is the culprit that's narrowing my choices. Yeah, I'm sure I don't want kids. I don't have the paternal instincts for it. I like kids, as long as they aren't mine. Likes cats - Just don't expect anyone to choose you over their existing cat, because no decent person would do that, but not everyone has a cat, so as long as you are up front about this, it shouldn't hinder you. Think you got it the other way round. *I* have a cat, and he goes where I go, so any potentials must like cats or at least don't mind cats. Actually, you'd be surprised how many people end up rehoming their cat because their partner insisted. Source: I work at the shelter. No drugs, no smoking - If someone's behavior changes radically after drinking or they black out and lose memory, that's usually a sign they are alcoholic. Pretty much this, the addiction. I wanted to know if there's such a thing as an occasional weed user. I can't be with someone who can lose control of themselves. Ideally she would have to be a total non-user. Ambitious and have goals in life (so I know she won't leech off me) - Everyone should have life goals. But remember that people in their 20s may still be trying to find out what they want to doI'm actually leaning towards women 30+, older than I am. Just don't know if there are many who likes someone younger. I'm not much attracted to college-age women.
preraph Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Oh, I did misread about the cat. Sorry. Yeah, I wouldn't get rid of any animal for any person, I can assure you, and don't respect people who would - and I find it repellent that people who just got a baby so often get rid of their pets. Hell, if they can't take care of a pet, they certainly aren't qualified to raise a kid. Well, women over 30 may be even more baby rabid than the younger ones who have some time. But I recommend you do childfree meetups (unfortunately a lot of them are just full of couples) and usually the forums like this for the childfree will have a section where you can see who all lives near your area. The unfortunate thing is that just being childfree doesn't give you anything much in common with a person. You'd think it would, but it does not. Though I have some old friends who remained childfree in favor of continuing their creativity, as far as new friends from the forums, not really. There's whole sections about how few hits they get on OLD and then even more about how the guys ignore that they said they don't wants kids and don't take it seriously. So yes, it puts a stick in the wheel, that's for sure.
Author OrangeParty Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 Well, women over 30 may be even more baby rabid than the younger ones who have some time. But I recommend you do childfree meetups (unfortunately a lot of them are just full of couples) and usually the forums like this for the childfree will have a section where you can see who all lives near your area. Zero meetups in my area. lol. This is not looking good. There are a few on OLD, but of course, none of them replied. It is pretty rare.
Moy Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) The only dealbreakers that I have are: Must be able to string two sentences together using words of more than one syllable. Smoking. I'm a non-smoker and the smell makes me ill.....and it makes me smell.....and gives me an increased risk of lung cancer. Obesity. It's not about looks, it's about looking after yourself and I consider a lack of self respect a major red flag. Plus I've been in relationships with bigger women before and ended up fat and miserable as a consequence. Never again. Racism. Self-explanatory, really. Obvious attempts at railroading me into a 'babydaddy' role from the outset. Edited February 7, 2015 by Moy
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