Mal78 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Those who chose R and things are generally good, then something triggers or old remanence of the A comes up...ect Is your WS *always* willing to talk about it? Do they ever get annoyed or frustrated by the topic? How does these things generally go?
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Those who chose R and things are generally good, then something triggers or old remanence of the A comes up...ect Is your WS *always* willing to talk about it? Do they ever get annoyed or frustrated by the topic? How does these things generally go? These days, she is always willing to talk about it, and generally speaking, the conversations don't lead to either of us going into a funk over it. This was not always the case. It used to drum up all sorts of bad feelings, and when the answers are tough to hear, there can be some time needed to process. She used to get annoyed and frustrated, which of course is the worst reaction imaginable, but she eventually learned to trust the process, and understand that I'm asking because I need to know, NOT just to make her feel bad. Next step, was SHE started asking questions. And that's when I knew we were coming out of the woods. 1
Confused48 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Next step, was SHE started asking questions. Like what?
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Like what? " Do you still think about just divorcing me?" " Did that movie last night bother you or cause any triggers? " " How are you feeling about this Biz trip I need to go on?" " Do you think I'll ever have your trust 100% again? " Stuff like that. It's not often, but she does randomly ask me stuff like that. 1
pheonixrisen Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 H Is always willing to talk about what bothers me or triggers me..We are 3 years since dday..We don't talk about the affair per say ..as we have already exhausted that topic long ago ...so we keep things to the current .....If any situation or behaviour bothers me we immediately address it.
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 The most frustrating thing for me...was when i could SEE that John had triggered by the expression on his face....but I was not sure what caused it. Triggers of course vary....they can be caused by a brand of car commercial, or a particular ice cream, or a street you drive past.....so many things...and not always the same. I think sometimes it depends on the frame of mind at the moment. But if John ever wanted to talk about it ...I was willing. I did not always understand....but i was willing to hear him out and try to help him feel better. John is a very quiet man....and sometimes getting him to share is difficult. Just the other day...we watched the movie...Gone Girl...in it a professor has an affair with his student. There was no other similarity....but i could see his facial expression change....and i kept thinking....what is wrong....and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Triggers are mean little mind games....and they sure can do a number on you.
Confused48 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Ugh... we saw that movie too. No similarities to the A in our lives other than callous selfish behavior. WS was unfazed. Even fell asleep half way through. I on the other hand had my mind racing, could not turn it off, could not then get to sleep and was in a sour mood the whole next day. I wish there was some kind of warning code for movies, like, rated A for Affair content. When I told WS about how it made me feel, WS was sympathetic. At the same time I think but do not know, that WS is thinking, Still? You still have an issue with just seeing a storyline like that? 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Ugh... we saw that movie too. No similarities to the A in our lives other than callous selfish behavior. The all time worst is Up In The Air. We were THOROUGHLY enjoying that movie together, and then BOOM..... headshot. Ugh... But that was then. It's now one of my favorite movies.
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 you just never know when one is going to hit... They come further apart and less frequent than they used to...but even after 31 years...they hit now and then. If i knew how to make them stop...i surely would.
pheonixrisen Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 H Is always willing to talk about what bothers me or triggers me..We are 3 years since dday..We don't talk about the affair per say ..as we have already exhausted that topic long ago ...so we keep things to the current .....If any situation or behaviour bothers me we immediately address it. 1
road Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 " Do you still think about just divorcing me?" " Did that movie last night bother you or cause any triggers? " " How are you feeling about this Biz trip I need to go on?" " Do you think I'll ever have your trust 100% again? " Stuff like that. It's not often, but she does randomly ask me stuff like that. What happens if you tell WW the movie triggered you? Does her Biz trips upset you, her response? Your answer and her response to trusting her?
RightThere Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 The all time worst is Up In The Air. We were THOROUGHLY enjoying that movie together, and then BOOM..... headshot. Ugh... Don't watch Young Adult with Charlize Theron. I got sooo uncomfortable watching it and that was pre D-Day for me. The main character is predatory in starting an affair.
RightThere Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Those who chose R and things are generally good, then something triggers or old remanence of the A comes up...ect Is your WS *always* willing to talk about it? Do they ever get annoyed or frustrated by the topic? How does these things generally go? Less than a year into real reconciliation, they don't usually go well. Part of the problem is the conversation tends to ramble (on my part) because I don't know what I need to get from her to end it and make me feel better. She often gets defensive because she feels like it's being brought up to make her feel guilty and bad. Definitely frustration and annoyance on both our parts. We both want to "move on" but I think we both need different things to accomplish that. The triggers and conversations are less and less frequent, but we haven't gotten any better at actually having the conversations. Although I will say if a trigger pops up, she does realize that it is a trigger and asks if I'm "OK". However if I'm not OK, she doesn't know what she needs to do next, and frankly neither do I. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Don't watch Young Adult with Charlize Theron. I got sooo uncomfortable watching it and that was pre D-Day for me. The main character is predatory in starting an affair. Yeah, this place almost needs a "Movies to Avoid" forum. lol. Long list for sure. But the truth is, I've learned two things: 1. Unless you ONLY want to watch Spongebob Squarepants all day, it is virtually impossible to watch more than about an hour of television without some mention of infidelity. 2. Sometimes ( at this stage ) watching these types of movies is actually helpful. Just sort of realizing that this happens to almost everyone eventually, or at some point along the way. There is a REASON it's everywhere in the media.
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 What happens if you tell WW the movie triggered you? Usually she says " I thought so. That one part where the girl did this or that made me wonder because it made me feel nauseous etc etc etc..." Does her Biz trips upset you, her response? Nah, they really don't. And I tell her as much. Although a few times I made it clear that it's not because I trust her 100%, it;s only because I just don't worry about her cheating. Either it will happen, or it won't, and that is 100% HER choice. - FTR she hates that answer. Your answer and her response to trusting her? Same as above. I never answer the "Do you trust me" question with a yes or no answer. I always just remind her that trusting her isn't the right question, because trusting her didn't protect me from anything before, and it doesn't protect me from anything now. We just agree to being faithful, and if I ever find out again that she isn't, that's it. So I always gently put the responsibility back on her, and won't feel pressured to feel "trust." At best, I don't worry about it. And I think that's probably as good as it ever gets. In fact, that's probably how it always should have been. 3
Lion Heart Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 At 7w 5days since my D Day and in a revolting "reconciliation" effort on behalf of WH, I'm triggering left right and Centre! WH doesn't have any compassion whatsoever, in fact he says "you've got to stop being affected by all these things!" Well..... yeah whatevs. He's absolutely right there. Yes I hear you say, this is "normal". What a horrible "normal". I'm actually walking right into triggering areas because I need to know what they as much as psychologically possible. These WS must be pretty awesome in every other facet of your lives to want to stay and put up with triggers all the time for years. I'm sorry guys. I'm realizing I need to be in the "separation and Divorce" section. Lion Heart.
badkarma2013 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 At 7w 5days since my D Day and in a revolting "reconciliation" effort on behalf of WH, I'm triggering left right and Centre! WH doesn't have any compassion whatsoever, in fact he says "you've got to stop being affected by all these things!" Well..... yeah whatevs. He's absolutely right there. Yes I hear you say, this is "normal". What a horrible "normal". I'm actually walking right into triggering areas because I need to know what they as much as psychologically possible. These WS must be pretty awesome in every other facet of your lives to want to stay and put up with triggers all the time for years. I'm sorry guys. I'm realizing I need to be in the "separation and Divorce" section. Lion Heart. No....You need to be where You need to be .....I imagine you feel very sad and alone now but things never remain the same ,within ourselves or others... As I have stated ..I truly believe there comes a moment of clarity to ALL BSs...that you know whether you CAN and have the WILL to continue in R...or chuck it and call it quits...that decision comes to all of BSs... Lion Heart I knew the moment i saw Pics of her with her Boss/OM i would never over it ..I would forever trigger and hold to the Affair with hatred... I KNEW I had to file for D...BUT that was ME... I can promise you it will come to you in an instant...and you will know... Pls take care of YOURSELF...if you are not in I/C go asap... I am a pretty tough dude and the circumstances surrounding my WWs Affair nearly broke me...... “Ones attachment to unhealthy people and bad habits, which offer you no real control, is why you’re spiritually dying and living a life out of balance.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Lion Heart....I hear such confusion and hurt and pain...and panic in your post. I don't know exactly how you feel because i am not you..but i can tell you....you need to take care of you. You need to know that you have support no matter what the right answer for you is. Has your husband read this book? How to help your spouse heal from your affair here is a link to a free download. http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf It may help him to understand where your mind is right now...and it might help you as well. It has 95 pages....and it truly helped my husband and I.
Author Mal78 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 At 7w 5days since my D Day and in a revolting "reconciliation" effort on behalf of WH, I'm triggering left right and Centre! WH doesn't have any compassion whatsoever, in fact he says "you've got to stop being affected by all these things!" Well..... yeah whatevs. He's absolutely right there. Yes I hear you say, this is "normal". What a horrible "normal". I'm actually walking right into triggering areas because I need to know what they as much as psychologically possible. These WS must be pretty awesome in every other facet of your lives to want to stay and put up with triggers all the time for years. I'm sorry guys. I'm realizing I need to be in the "separation and Divorce" section. Lion Heart. I'm with you. Except 18+ years later. My WH has never, not once walked me through a trigger with love and/or compassion. I was never to talk/think about it again the minute he told me because A) he told the truth and B) in his mind he was NEVER going to do it again so no need to ever rehash the past. My bff just the other day asked, "I know it's been a long time. Forgive me for bringing it up (she knew me at the time of the A, I never shared details with anyone), with S cheating does it ever go away"? She had to go through it just over a year ago. The FIRST time I confided about my WH'S infidelity. We have been bffs for almost 20 years, talk/text daily, get together on average once a week.... for 20 years! I carry great shame for my DH'S infidelity because I think I've been suppressed by not given the opportunity to talk about it. I was completely devistated.... torn to shreds... however felt I needed to be strong for my kids and go on. If I were to advise anyone anything after post D-Day that would be if your WS is unwilling to talk, or let you talk... RUN don't walk to a lawyer. There are so many damaging effects not only in the A but the inability or opportunity to talk to your Spouse about your own thoughts and feelings. That should NEVER happen in a marriage. 1
road Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 At 7w 5days since my D Day and in a revolting "reconciliation" effort on behalf of WH, I'm triggering left right and Centre! WH doesn't have any compassion whatsoever, in fact he says "you've got to stop being affected by all these things!" Well..... yeah whatevs. He's absolutely right there. Yes I hear you say, this is "normal". What a horrible "normal". I'm actually walking right into triggering areas because I need to know what they as much as psychologically possible. These WS must be pretty awesome in every other facet of your lives to want to stay and put up with triggers all the time for years. I'm sorry guys. I'm realizing I need to be in the "separation and Divorce" section. Lion Heart. I do not remember your story. Though a lot of people remove triggers by moving far away from the scene of the crime.
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