Kits87 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I'm 27, my boyfriend is 45. I have never dated anyone older than me, and when I met him I thought he was a lot younger than he turned out to be. I say this just because I know people will be alarmed at the age difference we have. He also does not have a general history of dating younger women, with exception to the one time I'm going to list below. Before we started dating or even knew each other, my boyfriend went on a 4 month snowboarding retreat where he had a 6 week FWB sort of thing with a 22 year old girl. It turned out that she was a virgin before she met him and was relatively secretive about that up until they were about to sleep together. Well, they slept together a few times anyway. He never had any romantic feelings for this girl, and never wanted a relationship with her. She however became very attached to him (which I can understand) and would not leave him alone and would text him constantly, even in the months he returned from the trip. Once we started dating however he completely cut her off even though it made her completely bonkers. She lives across the world and there was never a chance that they could be together. That was a couple weeks into us dating and that has been the end of it. He has no desire to ever see or speak to her again. I however am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with his decision to sleep with someone so young and inexperienced. I see it as a sign of poor decision making skills and the mental image of him with someone so young makes me sick to my stomach. He had explained that he was in a bad place and was being naive, and has a lot of regrets about that time. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I just let this go? Before that girl, and me, he has only ever dated age appropriate women. Our relationship, although also sharing a large age gap, is much much different than what they had and we both feel it has a lot of future potential. If I never knew about this fling I feel like we would have no issues, I trust that he would never do anything to hurt me and he's only made good decisions while we've been together. It's just his past haunts me and I can't let go. Help!
Mrin Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 The title of this thread cracks me up. I wanted to translate it at "should I accept gravity?" Here's the thing - your BF's past is his past. You either accept it or you move on. There is nothing in between. It isn't like you can change his past. Or learn some tidbit they will make it more acceptable. It is what it is. You're just making up a story about it being a mark of poor decision making just so you can wrestle with the idea of whether or not you want to be with him. You need to realize that and ask yourself if you want to continue. Either way you need to move on from this story driven limbo. 5
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 So he was still engaging with her knowing that she was crazy about him right up until he started dating you? 1
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I however am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with his decision to sleep with someone so young and inexperienced. I see it as a sign of poor decision making skills and the mental image of him with someone so young makes me sick to my stomach. He had explained that he was in a bad place and was being naive, and has a lot of regrets about that time. I've got news for you. 27 ain't so far away from 22, especially when you're 45. 14
Author Kits87 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 sigh... you guys are probably right. I think maybe I'm just jealous, and also worried that I'M making a poor decision by being with someone so much older even though I feel like it's right when I'm with him. I think I still have the social stigma in my head of what I would think if I saw an equivalent couple walking down the street, and I think that's ****ing with my perception. Truth is, I do love him and he's really a great guy and has given me no indication that he has any of the traits I'm accusing him of. He's honestly been nothing but loving, honest, open, respectful, and kind with me even when I'm being irrational and don't deserve it. We have a ton in common and share core life values and even grew up in the same small town which was just a weird fluke. We've met each other's families and everyone is happy and accepting of our relationship, and they're not the type to keep quiet if they thought something was off. I need to get over this.
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I've got news for you. 27 ain't so far away from 22, especially when you're 45. I was going to say exactly that. 2
Mrin Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 OP - yep. That is exactly it. Okay so IMHO it all comes down to this. I'll give you one reason you should NOT be with him. You can pile up all the reasons you should be with him in your head. If your reasons outweigh my one reason - then you got yourself some thinking to do. But if my one reason out weighs all of your reasons - I think you'll have your answer or at least the right perspective. Okay ready for my one reason? If you got pregnant and married today he would be 64 years old when your child went off to college. Are you okay with that? If not - then move on or accept that he's basically a shorter term romance and just enjoy it for what it is. Best of luck! 2
Author Kits87 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 OP - yep. That is exactly it. Okay so IMHO it all comes down to this. I'll give you one reason you should NOT be with him. You can pile up all the reasons you should be with him in your head. If your reasons outweigh my one reason - then you got yourself some thinking to do. But if my one reason out weighs all of your reasons - I think you'll have your answer or at least the right perspective. Okay ready for my one reason? If you got pregnant and married today he would be 64 years old when your child went off to college. Are you okay with that? If not - then move on or accept that he's basically a shorter term romance and just enjoy it for what it is. Best of luck! Actually part of why we are so compatible is because neither of us wants children. He had a vasectomy when we first started dating because I can't handle hormonal birth control and he didn't want me to have to suffer through an IUD (add selfless to the list of good qualities). He was with a woman for 17 years before (which oddly I'm actually totally fine with and see as a positive) and had no kids so I know he's serious about that, as am I.
Author Kits87 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 So he was still engaging with her knowing that she was crazy about him right up until he started dating you? Yes, he was trying to wean her off slowly without really hurting her. Any time he would say she shouldn't be talking to him she would call constantly and cry and freak out, so he would respond occasionally and try to get her to move on. They weren't really talking about their time together or anything, it was more that she had compulsions to hear from him all the time. I should mention that she had high functioning autism that probably contributed to her behaviour. He felt guilty for what his actions did to her and just didn't want to further distress her. She also lead him to believe that this was something she could handle and would be ok as a fling, but I don't think she was emotionally ready at all. He was naive and thought that weaning her off would work, when in actuality (he admits now) that it would have been better to cut her off completely from the beginning.
kendahke Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Yes. An enormous deal out of nothing. Should I just let this go? Yes. With a quickness because everyone is entitled to their past and it doesn't have to pass your smell test. Before that girl, and me, he has only ever dated age appropriate women. Our relationship, although also sharing a large age gap, is much much different than what they had and we both feel it has a lot of future potential. If I never knew about this fling I feel like we would have no issues, I trust that he would never do anything to hurt me and he's only made good decisions while we've been together. It's just his past haunts me and I can't let go. Help! At the end of the day, nothing--and I mean NOTHING--is going to change his past. You'd have a point if he was still actively leading her on. He's not; therefore, you're trying to get the earth to spin backwards so that you can control the way you want for him to be before he came into your life. That ain't going to happen. Accept him as he is, how he is or reject him and leave and find a guy your own age who isn't going through the pathetic mid life crisis phase of chasing women young enough to be his daughter.
Mrin Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Actually part of why we are so compatible is because neither of us wants children. He had a vasectomy when we first started dating because I can't handle hormonal birth control and he didn't want me to have to suffer through an IUD (add selfless to the list of good qualities). He was with a woman for 17 years before (which oddly I'm actually totally fine with and see as a positive) and had no kids so I know he's serious about that, as am I. Oh wow. That's perfect then!
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 That's not far enough in his past to merit a pass. I though you were going to ask about how to evaluate something your BF did years before he met you. This was going on right up until the time he met you. It's not a light switch that he turns on & off. A 45 year old man who cavalierly thinks its OK to take a young woman's virginity & then drop her is not the kind of gentleman I'd prefer to spend time with. 1
RedRobin Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) Ok, so you don't want kids. Take a look at Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. That will be you. Unless your man agrees to Botox, facial fillers, face lifts, and the regular maintenance that women are obliged to do so often. http://static.ibnlive.in.com/ibnlive/pix/sitepix/08_2013/michael_douglas_catherine_zeta-jones_separate.jpg Edited February 7, 2015 by RedRobin
starrynightz45 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 ?????? 27 is not all that far away from 22 - you speak as if you're late 30s referring to a girl who is "only 22." The man is 45. He obviously has a "thing" for younger women. There is no "bad place" nonsense - that's just him telling you the best answer he can come up with. He likes younger women. That's why he slept with her - because he's 45 and was able to get a 22 year old interested in him. That's pretty much it. I know the PC answer is to say that "age is just a number" but 9 times out of 10 - a man of 45 who dates women in his 20s is not an emotionally and mentally mature/stable person. There is something wrong in that picture, and you're wasting your time.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I would wager that it's bothering you because you're secretly wondering if in a few weeks or months,you're going to be that girl, dumped, while he moves on to someone else. YOu're wondering if this is a pattern he has, or a one-off. YOu're wondering if he's taking this relationship and you as seriously as he took his age-appropriate relationship. YOu'll have to trust your gut on this one. I think the fact that this is niggling away at you mans that there are some reasons to doubt his sincerity. I have to say that I've had a number of friends who dated people younger or older than they were. I myself dated a guy 14 years younger. We had a great time and I love him dearly to this day. But in our heart of hearts we both knew - as others I've talked to in the same position knew - that it was not likely goign to turn into a long term thing. I think you fear that in your heart of hearts and you're looking for evidence to support your fear. 1
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 You cannot change the past, you accept or you don't. But you can look at past actions and learn something about a person, and you can look at past actions and try to predict the future too. Thing is here, was it a FWB situation or did he fool her into thinking he was really into her, took her virginity and then promptly dumped her once they got back to civilisation? You may blame the autism for her persistent hankering after him, but you weren't there when he was trying to get her into bed, he may have promised her the world... ..and he was in such a "bad place" he just had to take a young girl's virginity, use her as a FWB and then dump her... Yeah right! 45 y o men chasing after young women, may be many things but "naive" usually isn't one of them. You also have to ask yourself is he still in "a bad place"? Getting over a failed 17 year relationship can take years for some. As others have mentioned there is no real difference for a 45 yo man, between a woman of 22 and a woman of 27. They are both really young to him. So women with IUDs "suffer" do they???? Your IUD/vasectomy story is nice, but I don't for one second buy it, sorry! I am sure he got the vasectomy, because he now sees dating younger women a possibility for him, and he doesn't want to be landed with the financial burden of getting them pregnant. How long is he out of the 17 year relationship and why did they break up? This may also give you an indication as to you how much trust you can put in him. Be very careful here.
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