jimmy1968 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I wanted my wife to leave, she was a real nightmare. She has Border Line Personality Disorder. She was abusive to everyone along with my biological children. Her former step children. We share a daughter together and I have to communicate with her all the time. I've had sex with her since she left, almost every week. I can't stop! I see a therapist and she told me it is part of the breakup. We lie to each other about having some sort of future. I know in my heart there is not a future. She has a job and her own life. I've isolated my children from her. We are seperate except for the sex and a few dates we went on. I was very isolated in the marriage and didn't have time for anything but her drama. Now I'm having alot of fun. Making new friends and starting a new life. But I get fearful and lonely and end of sleeping with her. I can't seem to break away from her. I tell her whatever she wants to hear to keep her with me. She tells me lies also. I found out she is dating others and it hurts. I'm also flirting alot and have talked to woman. But we are in this crazy dance of trying to make something happen still between us. In my heart I know she is not right for me, but I feel addicted to it and can't stop. I feel so sad about it. My thoughts are lingering on her for the last couple days since I found out she is dating. I don't know what to do? I feel really sick by it. I feel really scared by it. Please give me some advice! I really need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 I also work from home which doesn't help at all. I'm alone with my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Look, you are halfway there man. You KNOW and ADMIT you have an addiction. At least you know it's not love and your not mindlessly hoping that she will love only you and that things will be perfect if you fix them down the road. You know where you are. A lot of people don't. So there's a positive there. It's not all bad. Secondly, you need to get tested every time you have sex with her. You don't know where she's been. Don't be irresponsible with your life. It's easy to just say "I can't stop doing this". But if you go through all the trouble of doing the responsible thing every time you cave into your addiction, you won't be as willing to keep doing it. What's it going to take for you to stop? A positive test result in the lab that shows you've got a serious disease? The more you sleep with her the more confused you get. She gets what she wants from you. You don't, because believe it or not you still care about her, and she doesn't give a damn about you. You both are playing a game by her rules and you are going to lose every time because it's her game. You have an overwhelming handicap: You're obsessed with her, and nothing you can do can break her heart. She on the other hand can and will. Dude, you are putting off your life. The person that truly loves you is out there. And believe me, when the right girl comes along, you will feel NOTHING for your ex-BPD partner. But the right girl will NEVER come along if you are still involved with your ex. In regards to being alone with your thoughts, spam these forums. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Dude, you are putting off your life. The person that truly loves you is out there. And believe me, when the right girl comes along, you will feel NOTHING for your ex-BPD partner. But the right girl will NEVER come along if you are still involved with your ex. ^^^ This, exactly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Ralph, You are so true. I went down to the coffee shop to work, met a nice woman and she wants to go on a date. She's a social worker and seems pretty nice with a big heart. I can't let my ex control me anymore. J 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Ralph, You are so true. I went down to the coffee shop to work, met a nice woman and she wants to go on a date. She's a social worker and seems pretty nice with a big heart. I can't let my ex control me anymore. J Wow, great news!. Keep us posted. She sounds very much worthwhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Mirages Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Hmm, When I left BPD, it was cold turkey, full conflict, can I be thankful that your phenomenon did not occur, yes! I encourage you in you future endeavors apart from the bpd. Any dealing with the ex can lead to pregnancy, doesn't sound like a really good plan for you. Your sudden approach at the coffee shop shows that you likely have some attributes that are positive, i.e. don't have to settle, don't settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 My first wife was BPD, so with the help of my therapist I did it really smoothly and made her seem like she was in charge of everything. It was an exhausting year of planning. Paying off debt so I would not get stuck with it. Seeing my therapist every week. I just get sucked in, and think I need to get out of the house more. She calls me non stop about our daughter than works in other topics. She send me nude photos, stops by and tries to have sex with me. She's doing it to have control over me still. I'm not gonna let it happen and feel much stonger working from the coffee shop today. I work from home and obessively think about her when she calls. I'm gonna wait sometime when she calls me to get back with her to see if it really is an emergency. Everything is a crisis with her and it make me crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mirages Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Interesting, a lot of your facts line up with mine: 1) working from home a lot 2) Everything is a crisis 3) call- outs for non-emergencies just to get attention The differentiator is that mine was/is at war with me, and I had/have zero attraction to mine, but still the above behaviors are eerily similar. The one area bugging me is as mine has scheduled a lot of kids dr appointments without need. She likes the "Allergist, physchotherapist, asthma therapy, emergency clinic..." route. While those are valid professions, getting the kids treatments to give mom attention, is sad. Interestingly a small portion of the moms in the allergist clinic show obvious histrionic signs just in the minutes I am there. Ha, I was there this month and one mommy know it all thought she would give me condescending, bad, and unsolicited career advise in a field that I happen to know a lot about, it could be worse, we could be polygamous and have a flock of these women! I'm not gonna let it happen and feel much stronger working from the coffee shop today. Good, take your time, better is out there. Getting a conventional career is among my goals, making progress there, I really think work from home and BPD torment is a bad combination. Find a cheerful workplace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 This is the nasty woman who abused your children! I would have thought that memory alone was enough to have no desire for her. I guess I can't imagine doing that with a man who abused my kids, but considering you put up with it for a while, it's not that great of a surprise. Your son may never find out that you're still sleeping with her, but it will be a huge blow if he got to know. That would be interpreted as your sexual desire is more important than him. You admitted she could have gone to jail for the things she did. Think about that when you wanna bed her next time. Be careful of Std's is all I can say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 My first wife was BPD, so with the help of my therapist I did it really smoothly and made her seem like she was in charge of everything. It was an exhausting year of planning. Paying off debt so I would not get stuck with it. Seeing my therapist every week. I just get sucked in, and think I need to get out of the house more. She calls me non stop about our daughter than works in other topics. She send me nude photos, stops by and tries to have sex with me. She's doing it to have control over me still. I'm not gonna let it happen and feel much stonger working from the coffee shop today. I work from home and obessively think about her when she calls. I'm gonna wait sometime when she calls me to get back with her to see if it really is an emergency. Everything is a crisis with her and it make me crazy. You have to set the boundaries. Nude photos are unacceptable, "just dropping by" is also unacceptable. She is playing with you because she has enough information to know which why to bend you. You have to stop allowing this. She cannot be reasoned with. It will not happen. So, you have to do the heavy lifting on your own. She will only want to keep you vulnerable and continue preying on you. Time to be firm. Tell her nude photos and dropping by will no longer be tolerated and they need to stop immediately. All this lying about a future needs to stop too. You were self-aware enough to realize that a life with this woman is a sinking black hole that never ends, so quit sinking further down back into it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Thanks you! This is the advice I need. I was an abused child. My father was very violent and my mom was just like my ex. I've done alot of work to heal from my childhood. I feel very healthy most of the time than get sucked in. No more mr nice guy. She will keep messing with me. I don't owe her anything. My therapist tells me I have the symtoms of a battered wife. I keep coming back. Its hard. But your words give me strength. She has taken everything from me in the last 10 years. I've been given a second chance and I don't want to blow it. I'm rid of her. I need very strict boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 The support here is so amazing. I'm hoping when I get through this I'll be able to help others that are in toxic abusive relationships. I would of not gotten divorced or had the courage to leave her is it wasn't for this forum. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I also work from home which doesn't help at all. I'm alone with my thoughts. Get out of your house, go to your local coffee shop or a library. Being around other people while you work will help you be more distracted and not so alone in your thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Getting out seems to help alot and I'm gonna make an active attempt at doing it. It always makes me feel much stronger. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
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