sammason92 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I wanted to write this as I am really struggling. I wrote an earlier post about why my ex girlfriend and I broke up. It is nearly 3 months since we broke up and I feel no better. I was planning on keeping a journal, however I feel it would prolong the suffering by writing every night. Therefore I thought best to write here in one go. I should give some background. When I was at college I was very overweight. I had very low confidence with women, and until I turned 25 I had never had a girlfriend. After college I lost a lot of weight and starting seeing people from time to time. In November of last year I met my ex-girlfriend on a dating app. We met at a bar and I remember her being so shy, barley talking. She was beautiful and very intelligent, she had just finished her first year as a doctor. We had a few mutual friends from my old school and it turned out that she came from a village very close to my town. We agreed to meet in a few weeks for another drink. After, a drink we went for a walk and she kissed me. I was hooked by her. We went for a meal a few weeks after and slept together that night. We went on a few more dates, until I went away with friends on holiday for 2 weeks. I missed her terribly and when I got back we went for a meal and I asked her to make it official, she agreed, that was March 16th. We continued to see each other, I have to admit that as time went on, I wasn’t too excited about seeing her. She told me about her past which I must admit, troubled me a lot. A lot of unprotected one night stands with multiple men, sometimes more than one man. I believe that I was so used to be single, I felt almost trapped. With her hours, my hours and my voluntary work we saw each other about once a week. We spoke on the phone every night and we were very affectionate when we did see each other. On my birthday we went away to Europe and it was quite odd in the sense that we didn’t get along for the 3 days we were there. I was irritated that she never paid for anything and she couldn’t stand the fact I wasn’t giving up smoking. As time moved on, she changed departments and moved into ER which meant working long hours. In hindsight I realize how much she hated it and how stressed she was. With my ignorance and selfishness I didn’t pick up on this and support her as much as I should have. In September, the event in my other post occurred, she got very drunk and after a guy tried to kiss her she went somewhere with him and couldn’t remember what happened, she thinks a kiss at worse, however she did type her number into his phone. In October she had a house party, and when we there she didn’t introduce me to a single person. It was me in a room full of doctors and I spent the evening trying to offer people drinks. In November, things got better and I truly believe I fell in love with her. We went for a meal on a Sunday and I told her about a girl who had tried to kiss me, that is when she told me what happened to her. Over the course of a week, the story changed and changed and I eventually went through her phone and we broke up. I said some nasty things and she said never to talk to her again. She blocked me on facebook and blocked my number. I realized the mistake I made and at the end of December I wrote her a letter, telling her about how I was seeing a psychologist to help with the depression and some aspects of my past that have meant why I couldn’t trust people (the worst things you could imagine happening to a child). I called her on a friends phone a week later, and she told me she got the letter and laughed at it. I said to her, she was disgusting to that and heartless. A couple of hours later she called me back and apologised, saying she didn’t laugh at the letter but rather my pushiness (I had said I would give it a month to hear a response before moving on, when the stuff about her had come out she had said if you don’t call me by the end of the day then it is over). We talked and she said she didn’t love me anymore, that she had wanted to carry on with me but my lack of trust and disrespect had hurt her and I had thrown it all away. A few weeks later I sent her two emails whilst drunk, saying how she didn’t actually love me if she had moved on so quick. She sent me an email saying she had but if I was to contact her again she would call the police. Now we get to today..... Every second, of every day I think of her and what could have been. I have now moved and my flat seems so lonely. At work recently I walked up a flight of stairs and looked back and imagined her there, it hit me then that I would never actually see her again. I have talked at length to my friends and family, so much so that most of them now refuse to meet with me if I discuss it. People say I should just move on but regardless of how I try the only comfort I find is imagining her, imaging what could have been. I miss her so very much and I would do anything to be with her again. How could I not realise how great of a woman I had as my girlfriend? In an effort to get better, I started seeing a psychologist who suggested her behaviour during the relationship would lead him to believe she may have BPD, however he obviously can’t be sure without seeing her. This is based on her sexual past which as a doctor she would know was extremely dangerous, her slapping, her mood swings, drinking to excess, hatred of her ex (who doesn’t seem like that much of a bad guy). And that he believes I dodged a bullet. I must add that at times she would slap me quite hard, normally joking but sometimes in frustration. She would also have mood swings and get quite nasty. I have also tried internet dating, I had 5 dates set up but 4 of them cancelled. The one that did said I wasn’t that good looking in real life. All of this nonsense of dealing with these immature people gets me down. With my ex, it just happened, we made a plan and stuck to it. Maybe they can sense my neediness? Some of my friends say I should take time out from dating, but I don’t think that would help. I work more hours, I go to the gym, I watch comedies and read but nothing takes my mind off of her. I honestly thought by now I would feel better but in a soon it will be Valentine’s Day, her birthday and what would have been our anniversary. In June I will be 27, all of my friends are in committed relationships or married and here I am single, unable to get people to turn up to first date. The reality of the situation is, that I am still very much in love with her. In terms of education and career prospects I realize I probably will not find an equal. In the looks department I also doubt I will find someone as good. But will I find someone who loves me as much? I don’t know, it is my first relationship so I don’t know what is normal. The thing that I go back to is that I had it all, and I threw it away out of sheer paranoia. Tonight, I will go home alone and the thing that I notice the most is looking at my phone and realizing that no one really cares about my whereabouts. I know in 10 years time I won’t be thinking about this. But I will always wonder what if. At the moment, every hospital, every ambulance, every tv show with a doctor reminds me of her. When will that stop? I look back at some unanswered questions, weekends when she wasn’t where she said she was, photos on her phone of her blowing kisses at the camera that wernt sent to me, the message from that guy kept on her phone for 2 months until I found it. I don’t understand how an 8 month relationship can affect someone this much but it has, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Everything just seems so dark and cold. Before, a weekend of sitting on my ass watching tv if she was busy would be perfect, now it terrifies me. Why is it that I love her more now than I did? Why do I find her more attractive now? Why do I think of her now, when in reality I wasn’t so keen on her at the time? The weirdest thing about everything is that I always wondered why she was so scared when we argued that I would end it. I now seem to have come full circle and be in her shoes. I believe the only way to get over it, is to realise I had a great girl and threw it away. I don’t truly believe I will ever love again as much as her, because I know myself. I know that I won’t allow myself to, I will always think she was better. The week after we broke up I called and she heard a male voice and was so happy. She had deleted my number so it was a random set of digits on her phone. When I said it was me, she instantly became angry. I believe now she was probably already seeing people a week after we broke up. I have no doubt she has already moved on. Maybe with the guy she gave her number to. Soon enough she will be serious with someone else and I will be a small memory, a small chapter in her life that meant little. Whilst for me, she will always remain a huge chapter, my first true love and my first experience of happiness. I just wanted to vent, and to get your stories of experiencing this. Did you too have the panic and anxiety that you will never get married and have children? Did you get frustrated with dating, thinking that no one compares? How long did it take you to stop thinking of your ex every second? Why do I love her now when in reality I don’t think I did at the time? I never needed to see her, I was never worried or jealous of her nor did I enjoy the sexual aspects of the relationship. I am at a loss as to what to do. Nothing seems to work nor do I expect it to. I know time is a great healer, but 3 months and not one second of respite from this agony. It is killing me.
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Maybe you just liked being in a loving relationship more than you actually loved this girl. Could that be it? Probably the best thing you can do is to try to remember your earlier feelings of "meh" when you were with her. Get rid of the pedestal by remembering reality. Don't get frustrated by dating. Dating is how you find someone. It's like fishing, there's no guarantees, and failure is a lot more likely than success. But if you're hungry, you have to keep at it, and get better as you go.
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