down hearted Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I was with my ex for 9 years of my life, it hurts like hell that we got divorced and i am still trying to get a hold of everything it has been around 3 months since we officially divorced. We don't talk at all, he stayed with all my things because i didn't care, i just wanted out of that abusive relationship asap and that is okay because my life is more important. But i feel like i have so much to say that i want to tell him, i have so much anger in me still and i am so hurt. At times i feel like emailing him but i hate myself for it because of how bad he treated me and my life is doing 100% perfect right now yet i cant shake the thought of him. I don't have facebook no instagram nothing because i am scared to see things i dont want to see and end up even more sad so i stay away i dont care much for it anyway. I feel there were so many things left unsaid but he has not even bothered to contact me and i don't want to lower myself to contact him. Will time take this feeling away? I am trying so very hard to not contact him via email to tell him how upset i still am how i sacrificed my whole life for us and left everything i loved and believed in behind to be supportive of him etc and how badly i was treated. I just want to tell him so much and i wish he only knew how great am doing so he can see that my life does not revolve around him but he will never know. I don't know do you think i should email him some thoughts or no? I fear i will be insulted or ridiculed even i dont know. any advice?
zen2475 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I would not email him your thoughts because it's not going to do you any good. I would consider the type of response you may get from him. Either he is going to ignore you or it's going to get ugly. Do you want to do that to yourself? I think you are smart not accessing social media. You are correct that you may end up seeing something that will hurt you. You are protecting yourself that way, and kudos to you for following your instincts and not succumbing to temptation. Closure comes from within. The other person can not give it to you; it's something you achieve after time and a lot of reflection. You are still in the grieving process, so please allow yourself to fully go through that. It's from grieving properly and doing a lot of reflection not only on the relationship, our former partner and most of all ourselves, that we reach closure. At some point this will be behind you in so many ways. Time will have given you the benefit of perspective, but more importantly, a lot of personal growth and even deeper happiness. 1
PegNosePete Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 It's very common to think that getting things off your chest will trigger some kind of positive reaction in the ex. They will suddenly see the error of their ways, they will apologise profusely, they will see your point of view and behave like a rational human being. Wouldn't it be nice if he'd just admit that yes, he treated you badly, everything you wrote is true, and that he is sorry? But more likely he will reply with a stream of abuse and hurtful things, and you'll be set back 3 months. You will undo all of that good work that you've done in getting over him and the relationship. You will put yourself back into a world of pain and torment that you've slowly crawled out of. So no, do not email him. The best thing you can do is to never have any contact with him ever again. 1
Light Breeze Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Don't contact him. Right now, you are hurt and angry and you want to express that pain and anger to him, maybe even lash out. However, it wouldn't get you the result you want because he'll just either start a fight or ignore you completely. Both instances will make you feel worse and wouldn't result to the closure you crave. Again, closure comes from within, be at peace with yourself and believe that you deserve better. It will be hard at first, but ride it out and one day you wouldn't be thinking about the hurt anymore. Just be sure to stay positive and open about your future and happiness. You'll find your peace. 1
Darth_Matt Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) It's human nature to want to "fix" things. Right now you're hurt and you think contacting him will fix you. It won't! Maybe it will help having a talk face to face, but I wouldn't email him. Once something is in writing its there forever. Also emotions change. Who's to say what you feel today, you're going to be feel that way in a month. Like 'Light Breeze' said. Closure comes from within you. Not letting out anger on someone. But going off on him you'll just show him you still want him. That's not going to help anything. The best revenge on an ex is to live a great life. That's my opinion. Edited February 6, 2015 by Darth_Matt 1
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Closure is a myth. You still have all these emotions bottled up & part of you thinks one last encounter with him will clear the air & get it all out. That never happens. There is no magic that will clear up a 9 year relationship in one conversation. However you do need to expel some of these negative emotions. I suggest getting it all down on paper or tape. Rant. Rave. B1tch. Moan. Whine. Cry. Let it all out. Then put the paper aside for at least a week. Re-read it. Then light it on fire in a controlled setting & watch the bad stuff drain out of you. But do not under any circumstances send it to him. 2
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Closure is when you don't give a **** anymore. You're not there. You say you're doing 100% ok, but you're not. You only have all the trappings of that; you are still suffering (hurt and angry) from the failure of your marriage, and that's perfectly understandable. Your denial of this is not helping you. You may want to vent, but post-divorce is really kind of late for that. I don't think it will make you feel any better, but maybe it would. You want him to know it's his fault, right? You want him to know that he ****ed things up and I'm pretty sure you want him to feel bad about it. The trouble with that is that the abusers generally don't see it that way. They don't have a sudden epiphany about their behavior. It's something about tigers and stripes. Closure is when you don't give a **** anymore. 1
Chi townD Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Yep! You called it! It's going to take time for these feelings to pass. But, they will in time. You're not looking for closure, you're looking to put him on blast because you're feeling stronger now. But, trust me, it won't make you feel any better afterwards. Best bet? Just continue with NC. 1
Jonjon4728 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 As someone who just contacted my ex and said a bunch of terrible **** to her, I will tell you this: DONT!! You will just feel worse; I literally just contacted mine and called her every name in the book and I don't feel a bit better; Swriously sont do it; Focus on what you love, because if you don't, all you will do is think and thinking is not a great thing to do; Just take care of yourself; I was also in an abusive relationship and I know deep down I'm better off, still it's difficult to cope; But you will get through this 2
Elle1975 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 You email him, and you tell him something he already knows. You ignore him, and he's in the dark, pissed that you're doing fine without him. 3
Author down hearted Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 I am so grateful for all the great advice i received, i ended up not contacting him, i took the amazing advice on here and placed everything in perspective, i don't want to set myself back 3 months of healing.I feel so much better that i didn't write him in the end i knew i would hate myself for it if i did. I am slowly healing and with time things will get even better. Everyone described me perfectly, i guess i just want him to realize all the harm he caused but he won't admit it even if he already knows it. And there is no point in writing him something he already knows and won't admit. The best revenge is living my life and moving on. At times though it gets so difficult, at times i can't stop thinking about him and us all those years and i just break down, i feel like i will never get over him no matter how much time passes by
Tayla Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 There are stepping stones to Closure...taken in waves. First is self effacement. (Boy is that a hard one to rationally/objectively come to terms with!). The Next is all the memories that need placed into perspective. Heal yourself , and reflect only when its going to serve a greater good. Disengaging is so uncomfortable isn't it?? Supportive thoughts heading your way....!
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