Do you wish you'd never met them?

[BC1980]

There were times when I wished we had never met. The emotional pain was so bad that I felt our experiences weren't worth the grief. However, having come out on the other side, I can say that I do not regret meeting him. I learned a heck of a lot, and I feel that I can't just erase those 3 years. I feel that my time with him makes me who I am today. All of the pain, mistakes, wishing I had acted differently, all of that makes me who I am. Your feelings will change over time.

[candie13]

see, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this. I really appreciate the quality of Itspointless and I hear him. But unfortunately, you cannot compare the experience of listening a musical piece - which is an external fact, during which you only receive - with a relationship, which is dynamic and which potentially transforms both partners.

 

His point is relevant, if things got sour only at the end and if the experience was long enough, and if it was meaningful compared to the ending - shorter, brutal, ugly.

 

There are relationships that are rotten since the beginning. There are relationships that are best to be avoided, forgotten, hated, pointless because the only thing that they bring upon the partners - or one of the partners - is loads and loads and loads of grief.

 

I met through my friends a guy. We would hang out, we would be friends, we would show respect for eachother. We had a fling and after that, he told me he wanted to be my bf. He literally made me dream. He was talking about it to his best friends, to his sister, to me. His sister invited me to lunch, we'd spend hours chatting on the phone where the guy would do some more future faking... and when the time came to walk the talk (get rid of his FWB and start dating me), the guy sh*t in his pants and backed out. And then vanished. No explanation. It's not all his fault, for sure - it takes 2 to tango. I believed him without having any proves, I would sense his insecurities and pushed him and when I felt him blocking I withdrew first. Completely.

 

but when the guy withdrew, I fell the world crumbling right in front of me. It was just... shattering. No one should do this to another person. I kept my dignity and went NC immediately. Didn't beg or please. Irrelevant, the only thing I got was two weeks of sugaring me up, two weeks of torture - you may call it suspense - and 3 months of more mind f*cking until I put it all behind me and got back on my feet. Not functioning at school. Not going to my exams. Endangering my work. Oh, and the right to hear from my friends that they don't understand why I am reacting so poorly, it's not like we had been officially together (despite him lying to all of them, during those first 2 weeks). Basically, it was all inside my head. Luckily for me, the guy made contact again and again - so it was not all inside my head after all. Keeping it all together during the next 3 months - having him offer to become fwb, then offer to start dating, then offer to sleep together... no, thank you very much. Getting him off my skin, shaking him off was the hardest thing I've had to do yet.

 

sorry, that sort of experience I prefer to never have. That sort of men I prefer to never meet. That sort of "friends" I prefer to never have.

 

Of course, the knowledge from it is priceless. The experience of deciding rationally and letting go of something I really really wanted. The toughening up. Cutting through the haze, by myself. But given the choice... I'd still say NIET. No. I don't want it. I could have lived my life just fine without it.

[Itspointless]

see, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this. I really appreciate the quality of Itspointless and I hear him. But unfortunately, you cannot compare the experience of listening a musical piece - which is an external fact, during which you only receive - with a relationship, which is dynamic and which potentially transforms both partners.

Thank you for your reaction. I hear you too, as in fact your experience resembles my last experience. She turned out to be dismissive-avoidant, I saw some signs but did not have a clue (lack of knowledge) until she became ill and pushed me away. She then told me that she always does that when she has problems. It was not the first time in my life I was pushed away, it brought back a lot of memories (related to illness and death) and a severe depression. She also kept contacting me once a month telling me to be happy, until I told her it was driving me insane. It has taken me more than a year to feel a bit better, thinking about her is in all honesty something that still hurts.

 

With the quote I pointed to that moment in time that we did not have a clue yet. It was short, but there were some beautiful moments that I am happy having lived. But I understand that you say the opposite.

[candie13]

the fundamental difference between our stories, Itspointless, is that you've had a real thing before the ending hit you. A real connection. there was substance to your relationship. And the ending was bitter and she turned to be weak and avoidant. But she did care. She did stay in contact. Even though you were apart, both of you had something special that was shared even after the relationship was over.

 

I have no idea if what I've experienced was true or a lie. I will never know if he ever meant those things... and in the end, it's pointless, because even if he did mean them, he never did anything about it. He's a quitter. See, in my case, it's bitter from the beginning until the end. And after the end, he played with my mind and tried to manipulate me, to convince me to sleep with him. He deliberately hurt me for months, to break my will and make me give in to him. Tough luck, I had LS and did not act like a brainless chicken.

 

can you possibly compare the two experiences? Your experience obviously touched you. Moved you. Enriched you in a positive emotional way. Gave you something !

 

My experience was that of sorting out trash. Of course, it does not make it less valid. It only shows the extent of my blindness.

[erklat]

There were times when I wished we had never met. The emotional pain was so bad that I felt our experiences weren't worth the grief. However, having come out on the other side, I can say that I do not regret meeting him. I learned a heck of a lot, and I feel that I can't just erase those 3 years. I feel that my time with him makes me who I am today. All of the pain, mistakes, wishing I had acted differently, all of that makes me who I am. Your feelings will change over time.

 

I thought writing something similar so I'll just +1 you.

 

If becoming what I am today could only be done that way,

in that case I don't regret.

[candie13]

Thank you for your reaction. I hear you too, as in fact your experience resembles my last experience. She turned out to be dismissive-avoidant, I saw some signs but did not have a clue (lack of knowledge) until she became ill and pushed me away. She then told me that she always does that when she has problems. It was not the first time in my life I was pushed away, it brought back a lot of memories (related to illness and death) and a severe depression. She also kept contacting me once a month telling me to be happy, until I told her it was driving me insane. It has taken me more than a year to feel a bit better, thinking about her is in all honesty something that still hurts.

 

With the quote I pointed to that moment in time that we did not have a clue yet. It was short, but there were some beautiful moments that I am happy having lived. But I understand that you say the opposite.

 

maybe you're simply a better person, compared to me. to consider your experience beautiful despite making you spiral down in a severe depression... one thing must be true, out of two: she must have been something special, or you must be something special

 

it takes courage to do that. And it takes a good man to attract good people, even if they turn out to be weak... human...

[Cupid's Puppet]

I ask myself that sometimes, and the answer is noway for me, too. We grew up together. If I kept a scrapbook of my life or wrote an autobiography, he would take up the first chapter. There were days I wanted to die and the only reason I kept going was because I had him. He provided me with such a huge reason to live, which is why I have taken this breakup as the hardest experience in my life.

 

But no regrets. He showed me what love was when I had no clue. For that I am thankful, and I will always treasure him.

[JollyDays]

maybe you're simply a better person, compared to me. to consider your experience beautiful despite making you spiral down in a severe depression... one thing must be true, out of two: she must have been something special, or you must be something special

 

it takes courage to do that. And it takes a good man to attract good people, even if they turn out to be weak... human...

 

 

I don't know. Although my relationships were LDRs, there seemed to be incredible chemistry with the first. An emotional bond that, honestly, I never felt again. And then we met in California, two years later...lol. I guess the signs were there that she was already heading for the exits during the visit, but I didn't want to see them. In any event, she revealed her true nature when I returned home, and it did something to me psychologically. Over the years, I have pondered the thought that perhaps I suffered from PTSD due to the experience (aka humiliation) afterwards. I guess something died inside of me emotionally, especially when she called me a month after our breakup from another man's house. Yes, silly (naïve, young and dumb) me. It was like things were never the same when dealing with relationships. Metaphorically speaking, it was as if someone closed the blinds, shuttered the curtains, and in the process, refused to allow the light to enter where my heart and soul once resided, full of love. I allowed her to continue to pull my strings for another 4 years, with her faux concern over my life, through emails, and turning me into an option, not a priority. My fault, quite frankly, for allowing it to occur. I found another LDR, and I basically destroyed the relationship over a two year period, because I was still filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment over the previous relationship (I'll just call the former relationship an experience as opposed to a relationship). Ever since, I've spent a decade trying to get my groove back, but I don't think I'll ever get back into a relationship again, not because there aren't any good women out there, not because I don't want to love and be love again, but because I honestly don't think I have the stomach to take another devastating breakup. So yes, I regret meeting the former because she shattered my ideas of trust and love, and I regret meeting the latter, not because she was a bad person per se, but because I realized years later that she was a gift that was brought into my life, and I pissed on the blessing. If I could speak to that younger JollyDays, I would say, "Young man, get out there, look good, smell good, exude confidence, look a woman in the eyes, introduce yourself, start making conversation, and if she doesn't want to hear your convo, head to the next.". **** long distance relationships.

Edited February 8, 2015 by JollyDays

[Tayla]

there are some truths that no one should endure. surely didn't enliven my spirit to know the genuine ugliness that a human can contain. so yes that is a regret to have to know and validate in topic such as it is. primarily though there have been those breakups that did shine light on the beauty of love . to that end reflecting on the good seems to place things in perspective.

[Zapbasket]

Yes, I wish I had never met my ex, and I hate that I feel that way.

[Itspointless]

Hi Candy thank you for your replies. Although I mentioned resemblances it wasn’t my intention to compare. I never want to as I cannot feel how other people experience, I can only try to imagine.

 

As I look to my experiences I can say that I also recognize certain elements in JollyDays his post. Previous experiences have scared me away for a long time from trying anything, I really had lost my believe in love. At this moment I do not know what to think or feel anymore regarding love (I am in my mid-thirties). I still find it hard to feel motivated for the things I have to do in everyday life as I lost the joy in it. She knew I had watched one of my parents slowly die when I was a teenager. Yet she also made me powerless by saying she wanted to do it alone and placing me out of side (the communications I had were very few and really short). Still I find it hard to get mad as she had a hard life herself. It was mindblowing how she just suppressed and turned in some kind of robot. In the short time before I had seen some hints of it. Sometimes I wish I could do that myself. I do know that for the timespan it lasted I am paying a lot for it as it brought back a .....load of grief from my adolescence.

 

Well what I wanted to say. Thank you for your nice words. I do not think I do it better than you do, it is just the way how I can give all the senselessness some sense for myself. As I also know that it is very easy for me to get depressed (not something new). Therefore I know that it is important for me to try to also see the good/bright/beautiful sights of things, as small as they are.

[Feelbettersoon]

Meeting my ex no, because the friendship was fun & normal

 

The relationship, highly regret it, wish it never ever happened. This kind of pain wasn't worth it

[candie13]

Previous experiences have scared me away for a long time from trying anything, I really had lost my believe in love

I understand, bad experiences tend to make us feel that all hope is lost and love as we know it or as we've experienced it is lost forever. Far away from us, out of reach.

 

At this moment I do not know what to think or feel anymore regarding love (I am in my mid-thirties). I still find it hard to feel motivated for the things I have to do in everyday life as I lost the joy in it,

I am turning 35 this year. When I was 33 I suffered a full blown depressive episode, so I remember what that feels like. yours description fits right in.

 

My friend, you need to fight that, because depression won't go away on its own. I mean therapy, yoga, meditation, surrounding yourself with people you can talk to and doing things that mean something to you, things that you love. You need to be proactive to get out of it - and unfortunately, that is exactly what depression kills. The drive to do things. The taste for life. Running is a quick fix but after running regularly for three weeks, there usually is a noticeable improvement.

 

She knew I had watched one of my parents slowly die when I was a teenager. Yet she also made me powerless by saying she wanted to do it alone and placing me out of side (the communications I had were very few and really short). Still I find it hard to get mad as she had a hard life herself. It was mindblowing how she just suppressed and turned in some kind of robot. In the short time before I had seen some hints of it. Sometimes I wish I could do that myself. I do know that for the timespan it lasted I am paying a lot for it as it brought back a .....load of grief from my adolescence.

 

I believe you've met that girl exactly because you have not dealt with the grief from your adolescence. And if you avoid to do that, you'll keep running into similar situations, and everytime they will hit you closed and closer to your heart. We all have our lessons to learn and tests to pass. The more we fail, the harder the next lesson. Look deep down inside. My first hunch says that what you have to deal with is abandonment fear - but it's up to you to understand if that is correct.

 

My lesson chasing me is "I'm not good enough". Instead of understanding and accepting that the reason that bloke decided to bail out may be linked to his own demons, I took it personally. That is why I still have a hard time digesting it. Maybe because deep down inside, I feel that he is right and that I am indeed not good enough. Right now I am in a loving relationship, with a man who appreciated me and makes me happy. It still is very hard for me to fully embrace it and not look back, because somewhere deep down inside I am still wondering if I am worth it. Funny, isn't it? That bloke that bailed out didn't chose me, made no efforts to make me happy, quite the contrary, made sure to sink his teeth deeply in me and he is still occupying headspace... that is my battle.

 

Well what I wanted to say. Thank you for your nice words. I do not think I do it better than you do, it is just the way how I can give all the senselessness some sense for myself. As I also know that it is very easy for me to get depressed (not something new). Therefore I know that it is important for me to try to also see the good/bright/beautiful sights of things, as small as they are.

 

ever heard of synchronicity? It is when we attract similar situations or people who go through similar things, but with answers. I believe there is a reason that I posted here and read your reply. You made me aware, with your answer, that I was still upset at that man. That is what made his memory so vivid still. I had not dealt with it. I had not forgiven him. In the end, he is how he is and it would be vain from me to think he was especially cruel with me, compared with the other women. Truth is he treats all women poorly. I am not that special. IT is who he is. And after reading your response, I have realised that I was taking his reaction personally. It's who he is. It's how he deals with emotion and it had little to do with me. It's time for me to let it go and forgive, so that I stop looking back. It's time for me to look inside and see that I have much much higher standards, for a relationship. I want to connect to a deep level with my partner. Talk. Communicate. Exchange. Grow. Feel. And while I may not be the coolest girl on the planet or the smartest, I am good enough to be loved back and treated with respect.

 

anyway, rent over. I guess my key point to you here is that there are signs everywhere about how you can improve yourself. Start working on yourself. Accept your pain, work on self love. Read. Run. MEditate. And you will see, when you expect less, you will run into love again and it will be mindblowing.

 

stay well

[Ralph79]

How can we truly appreciate or know what Heaven is , if we don't experience Hell first.

 

No I don't wish I never met my eX.

 

I am grateful for the wisdom and strength that beautiful and horrific experience her time in my life brought me. Would I relive it again? No way. No one will ever make me surrender my dignity ever again.

 

The price for that lesson was worth paying for, ONCE.

[Itspointless]

Thank you for taking the time to write this to me, I really appreciate that I have to say that the last weeks I feel much better. It has taken a really long time so I am quite happy with that. But I also notice that the depression is not entirely gone yet. Having had such periods before also has an advantage, you know what to expect. Yeah, I do many of the things you recommended to me already for quite some years, they are essential for me. I see for example therapy (and meditation) as life-coaching. It is something I recommend to everyone. I also love running. Unfortunately the last few weeks I have some lower back pains, so I stopped the running for now and am searching for some professional help with that. I notice that it makes me a bit down, as I get less endorphins with the normal cardio inside.

I believe you've met that girl exactly because you have not dealt with the grief from your adolescence. And if you avoid to do that, you'll keep running into similar situations, and everytime they will hit you closed and closer to your heart. We all have our lessons to learn and tests to pass. The more we fail, the harder the next lesson. Look deep down inside. My first hunch says that what you have to deal with is abandonment fear - but it's up to you to understand if that is correct.

I am not proud of it but it is correct. It is something I am working on. And oh yes (!) history repeats itself. You know, I have tried to grief for years, but large parts of the sadness I just couldn’t reach. I have to thank my ex that I am more in touch with that now. So I try to see it as an opportunity.

My lesson chasing me is "I'm not good enough". Instead of understanding and accepting that the reason that bloke decided to bail out may be linked to his own demons, I took it personally. That is why I still have a hard time digesting it. Maybe because deep down inside, I feel that he is right and that I am indeed not good enough. Right now I am in a loving relationship, with a man who appreciated me and makes me happy. It still is very hard for me to fully embrace it and not look back, because somewhere deep down inside I am still wondering if I am worth it. Funny, isn't it? That bloke that bailed out didn't chose me, made no efforts to make me happy, quite the contrary, made sure to sink his teeth deeply in me and he is still occupying headspace... that is my battle.

I understand that as I am still a bit anxious myself. In psychology it is called the anxious-avoidant trap. It was quite disheartening the first time I read about it. I am happy for you that you found someone kind and secure.

ever heard of synchronicity? It is when we attract similar situations or people who go through similar things, but with answers. I believe there is a reason that I posted here and read your reply. You made me aware, with your answer, that I was still upset at that man. That is what made his memory so vivid still. I had not dealt with it. I had not forgiven him. In the end, he is how he is and it would be vain from me to think he was especially cruel with me, compared with the other women. Truth is he treats all women poorly. I am not that special. IT is who he is. And after reading your response, I have realised that I was taking his reaction personally. It's who he is. It's how he deals with emotion and it had little to do with me. It's time for me to let it go and forgive, so that I stop looking back. It's time for me to look inside and see that I have much much higher standards, for a relationship. I want to connect to a deep level with my partner. Talk. Communicate. Exchange. Grow. Feel. And while I may not be the coolest girl on the planet or the smartest, I am good enough to be loved back and treated with respect.

Yes, I heard of it. I am happy to hear that I triggered something that is helping you. It is true what you write, although I have to say that anger also is a very healthy emotion. But as you say, anger is there for a reason. I really hope what you say about love

[Itspointless]

it would be vain from me to think he was especially cruel with me, compared with the other women. Truth is he treats all women poorly. I am not that special. IT is who he is. And after reading your response, I have realised that I was taking his reaction personally.

I forgot to react to this. Of-course you are special, but his treatment of you indeed has nothing to do with you. It are his fears that triggered it.

[Azulianheart]

At first I would say that I was glad I met him because the experience made me who I am. But now, I can say I wish I never met him. I wish that whole part of my life never existed because nothing positive came out of it. I'm in pain a lot of the times. It's been almost 2 years since we have broken up. Yet still, can't find it in me to fully move on to another. To be honest meeting him, and him breaking my heart has ruined me. I'm not the same. And no, it's not a positive thing. Maybe I'm one of those people that meets their true love when they are older ..in their mid thirties or whatever. Bc I can't find it in me to move on to another. My ex f***ed me over. And it has messed with me and my ability to love or whatever again. It is what it is.

 

 

sometimes....I just fear that I will be saying the same things 1,5 years from now on.... You put my fears in words.

[candie13]

I am not proud of it but it is correct. It is something I am working on. And oh yes (!) history repeats itself. You know, I have tried to grief for years, but large parts of the sadness I just couldn’t reach. I have to thank my ex that I am more in touch with that now. So I try to see it as an opportunity.

 

Hemingway said "we are all broken. it's how the light gets in".

 

I understand that as I am still a bit anxious myself. In psychology it is called the anxious-avoidant trap. It was quite disheartening the first time I read about it.

anxious as well. Strange, because I am a clear extrovert, but my fears and anxiety level are very high.

 

I am happy for you that you found someone kind and secure.

he is wonderful. while I truly treasure and appreciate him, love is something else, it's beyond the rational, it's primal. maybe it is premature to use the word "love". we'll see how it goes, in time.

 

are you dating? Seeing anyone? do you think you're holding a torch for your ex, still, despite everything? How are you coping with this? How long have you been single?

 

Yes, I heard of it. I am happy to hear that I triggered something that is helping you. It is true what you write, although I have to say that anger also is a very healthy emotion. But as you say, anger is there for a reason. I really hope what you say about love

 

I miss being angry. It took me forever to revolt myself against this situation. I was so sad for so long. You're right, getting angry feels great, at times. I should go running more often, it's freezing cold around here and it doesn't really encourage me to hit the gym...

[Itspointless]

Hemingway said "we are all broken. it's how the light gets in".

I like that.

anxious as well. Strange, because I am a clear extrovert, but my fears and anxiety level are very high.

It is not that strange The way we deal with input is something really different than how we react to primary partners. Especially as attachment behaviours become particularly clear when we are stressed. It are behaviours that come form a subconscious level and are really old.

are you dating? Seeing anyone? do you think you're holding a torch for your ex, still, despite everything? How are you coping with this? How long have you been single?

I have been single since I joined this board, 10 months no contact. That was the moment I really have given up. I can't bent titanium with my bare hands. That did not mean that I liked the choice to take some distance. I am not dating yet, but I guess I perhaps should try somewhere soon.

I should go running more often, it's freezing cold around here and it doesn't really encourage me to hit the gym...

As it says Europe under your profile-name, I think we are geographically close. Yes its still cold

[ballycastle]

It's not so much that I regret meeting my ex but believing all the **** about loving me. That has affected all future relationships in that I won't have any as they will all end.

[love1336x]

No, never.

Not even with my most painful break up.

The good I had with them over weigh the negative outcome.

I know what I want because of it, and what I won't take from a relationships.

Lesson need to be learned somehow!

[dyna85]

I'm with you, love1336x. Each relationship has helped me narrow my focus on what I want and deserve, and for that I am thankful to have met my exes.

[JollyDays]

Hi Candy thank you for your replies. Although I mentioned resemblances it wasn’t my intention to compare. I never want to as I cannot feel how other people experience, I can only try to imagine.

 

As I look to my experiences I can say that I also recognize certain elements in JollyDays his post. Previous experiences have scared me away for a long time from trying anything, I really had lost my believe in love. At this moment I do not know what to think or feel anymore regarding love (I am in my mid-thirties). I still find it hard to feel motivated for the things I have to do in everyday life as I lost the joy in it. She knew I had watched one of my parents slowly die when I was a teenager. Yet she also made me powerless by saying she wanted to do it alone and placing me out of side (the communications I had were very few and really short). Still I find it hard to get mad as she had a hard life herself. It was mindblowing how she just suppressed and turned in some kind of robot. In the short time before I had seen some hints of it. Sometimes I wish I could do that myself. I do know that for the timespan it lasted I am paying a lot for it as it brought back a .....load of grief from my adolescence.

 

Well what I wanted to say. Thank you for your nice words. I do not think I do it better than you do, it is just the way how I can give all the senselessness some sense for myself. As I also know that it is very easy for me to get depressed (not something new). Therefore I know that it is important for me to try to also see the good/bright/beautiful sights of things, as small as they are.

 

All of my ramblings aside (lol), I guess my larger point is that end in the end, people are just that, people, and we have to accept all of their good, bad, and sometimes, horrible qualities. I know, hard to do at times, and I'm not saying that we must accept them as part of our lives. But people tend to disappoint (a lot), and once you recognize that they're not to be worshipped, and that they're human, it just seems like the healing begins (or some kind of healing). I'm still going through the process. Maybe someone will come along and restore our larger trust in women, but until that time, take care of yourself emotionally.

[candie13]

I think... love finds a way. And if it did not find a way, it's because it was not love.

 

may we all be smart enough to see what's in front of us and select those people and those experiences matching the purity of our hearts.

[bigtrouble]

I never regret meeting her...

I am glad even though It caused me pain...

I could never hate her...

No regrets...

 

Like everyone else here...

I am emotionally mature...

But we still get hurt...

We are only human...