Story of my life Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I've been dating this guy for the past month and a half. We get along wonderfully. We knew each other for 3 months before we started dating. 2 weeks after we started dating, I told him I was a virgin, because I noticed things were getting really sexual between us. I'm very turned on by him, unlike anything I've ever felt with another guy. A week ago, he told me that he noticed we've been getting closer and that he wants to be clear that he isn't looking for a girlfriend. He said he wants to make his intentions clear, before I do something major like have sex with him because he doesn't feel it would be right if I didn't know. He told me that he loves our time together and that if he wasn't at a certain stage in his life, I'd definitely be his girlfriend right now. He said he wants to enjoy being single and selfish right now because he's been in serious relationships since high school. He dated one girl all 4 years of high school and one girl all 4 years of college, he's been single for about a year now. He also plans to join the military in a year and said he doesn't want to have a girlfriend waiting on him because it would he selfish. I understand that he wants to be single, but he also admitted to being confused about it. He told me he doesn't want the obligations of a relationship, but that he feels guilty when girls try to flirt with him because he'll start thinking about how I'd feel if I found out. He said he just stops everything at flirting when his friends try to hook him up with girls. He also treats me like I'm his girlfriend. The only thing that's missing is the label. He also had to move an hour and a half away from me a week after we started dated because of a job, so that makes things tough too. Here's where I'm torn. I really like this guy and I've talked to him about this, but he said he doesn't think he'll change his mind about wanting a girlfriend anytime soon. He keeps using unsure words though like "think". I told him not to give me false hope if there isn't any hope of us being official. I want to have fun with him while I can, but at the same time, I know if I continue to see him, its very likely I'll start to develop deeper feeling for him and get hurt in the process. I also haven't mentioned to him that I'll likely be moving out of state sometime this year to be closer to family. So that would've put a damper on our relationship too if we had started one. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm venting, but I'm just looking for answers or something. Everything between he and I has felt so right and that's why I'm so lost right now.
kaylan Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Its simple really... Move on now. As someone whos been friends with people in the service, its ROUGH on relationships. And good on this guy for not wanting to put that burden on someone else or himself. You should check out military spouse forums on the net so you can have a better idea of what these people go through. Nevermind the hardship of barely seeing your spouse when they are on assignment, there's also the fear of what can happen to them if they are in a combat role. And dont forget the infidelity. Happens a lot, both those in the service and their spouses do it. This guy has some relationship experience, and has been upfront with you. He's telling you honestly that he WILL date around and enjoy himself. And he has every right to do so since he's always been in relationships in his young dating life. Don't be stupid and have sex with him after he already warned you how it is. He has told you he isnt looking for anything serious. Hes figuring out his life, and you need to believe a man when he tells you that you wont be his girlfriend. PS - how old are you two? 3
Author Story of my life Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Its simple really... Move on now. As someone whos been friends with people in the service, its ROUGH on relationships. And good on this guy for not wanting to put that burden on someone else or himself. You should check out military spouse forums on the net so you can have a better idea of what these people go through. Nevermind the hardship of barely seeing your spouse when they are on assignment, there's also the fear of what can happen to them if they are in a combat role. And dont forget the infidelity. Happens a lot, both those in the service and their spouses do it. This guy has some relationship experience, and has been upfront with you. He's telling you honestly that he WILL date around and enjoy himself. And he has every right to do so since he's always been in relationships in his young dating life. Don't be stupid and have sex with him after he already warned you how it is. He has told you he isnt looking for anything serious. Hes figuring out his life, and you need to believe a man when he tells you that you wont be his girlfriend. PS - how old are you two? Thank you for your insightful response. I'm 27 and he's 23. He's actually the first guy I've ever dated on such a physical level. I had never gone this far with any guy before him. I've been in a shell most of my life and only until recently have I decided to start enjoying life. Funny enough though, I came into this not wanting anything serious either, it just sorta happened because of the way he treated me. He even said himself that he was enjoying being with me too much and needed to pump the brakes a bit. I know he isn't going to change his mind on wanting a girlfriend and I don't believe he should. The thing is, I trust him enough to have sex with him as my first. I've told him that my virginity is not something that I cherish so much, it's just that I've never had the chance of losing it. It's just the fact of losing him eventually that scares me, but at the same time, I just want to live life in the now and enjoy myself because tomorrow is never promised. I also know that no relationship is promised; that even a relationship that's going seemingly well can end abruptly. That's why I'm at a cross roads, because I want to enjoy the little time I have with him before he leaves and a huge part of me wants to have sex with him and just have fun. He mentioned the military infidelity thing to me. He said that was one of his concerns had it been another girl, but with me it isn't because he believes I'm too trustworthy to cheat on him. He said he doesn't believe in cheating on someone either. Ironic enough though, he told me that's how he and his college girlfriend got together; she cheated on her military bf to be with him.
Lokin4AReason Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 some people are ready, and people are not ... one thing is for sure, do not sit around and wait for them to be ready .... its a waste of time and space .... move on ( as mentioned already ) and you wont regret it either .... its their lose not yours ..
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He is actually a nice guy, he has been upfront and he is being honest. Do not read any more into it, do not lie to yourself and tell yourself he doesn't really mean it or that you are somehow meant to be together. Perhaps he just doesn't want to take your virginity and then use you for casual sex, perhaps he doesn't really see you as gf material, perhaps he already has a another girl that he has his eye on, perhaps he wants to play the field, perhaps he just wants a break from any relationship, who knows? BUT you have to protect your heart, and if you continue this relationship any longer, you are going to be heart broken, I have no doubt of that. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You're kind of being the typical girl and trying way too hard to believe in this fantasy and small window of hope that things will change or could change into something that you want but try not to say, because of the way YOU feel...but I'm telling you right now, the guy doesn't feel the same way about you, this is all about your feelings. And unfortunately because of how you feel and your experience, with him being the "best" thing so far in your short romantic physical love life, you're going to put him on a pedestal and think this is some kind of special thing to "earn" or "fight for"...you're basically one of those people that believe in that fairy tale of what "grandma and grandpa had after staying together for 30 years through the ups and downs". There's just a lot of things you don't understand, a lot of myth and misconceptions about "love" and your inability to understand how these emotions you have can be one-sided and not tied into one another person, which is going to be a very hard lesson for you to learn. You really need to snap out of it and read the writing on the wall before you get to that point and get really really hurt...the problem is you just don't know any better yet so you won't even see it that way, you'll have yourself convinced otherwise. But this guy sees the vulnerability like most guys do in women...but he's not willing to walk away, because your virginity and vagina on are the table and at stake...he nearly by nature has to say some of the things you want to hear, he doesn't want you to think of him as a user and someone who doesn't feel strongly about you, men are not stupid enough to be and act cold about this even though he has already made up his mind...but your pushing him into a corner and making him feel like he's got to tell you what you want to hear at least half way so that he doesn't have to feel like a douchebag and you don't have to think of him as just a guy who wants to use you. He has to be vague and shy away from being transparent and decisive because he knows what's at stake and how YOU feel. You're trying to downplay or minimize the "value" or your virginity and you're trying to find a mentality and emotional reasoning to this "situation" so that you can kind of manipulate yourself into continuing along and believing that this still is and can be something special and significant. But once the guy starts having sex with you...like many many women if not most or all with feelings, you're going to really start to attach and those feelings are going to grow and become all the more powerful, and then you'll just be so sucked in and attached to this guy and you won't be able to pull yourself away. And if he's not looking out for you he's going to come in and out of your life, flying over to have a drink of your nectar like a bee in the garden...in for a drink then back to the beehive. This guy wants to move on with his life, he wants to continue forward, THIS IS AS CLEAR AS MANY GUYS GET. He sees himself doing that independently. For your sake and his, do yourself a favor and choose another guy who is more "available"...I know you think it's all butterflies and rainbows what you have between you two and that you think it's just going to be alright and you won't regret it either way whatever happens but chances are the price to pay for that will also feel like a lot of hurt, loss and maybe you'll even start to question yourself and whether you're just not "good enough" and dumb crap like that. Move on now while you still have a fighting chance, once you cross that line then you're merely putting yourself on platter to be used at his convenience. And you're going to put yourself out there and your emotions all the more, for no good reason thinking it'll change something. Trust me, nothing this guy is doing is saying he feels the same way about you...if you can't take what this guy is showing you and understand clearly that this isn't a good idea, then you're going to have a really hard time understanding men down the road...they CANNOT and 99 percent of time WILL NOT be the kind of straight forward and honest guys they need to be, because that hurts women's feelings and makes them feel used and "unloved" and "unspecial"....men do not tell you how they really feel in situations like this, so you better learn to take the hint or else you will learn the hard way...because this guy is being a lot more clear than many others would, if you can't figure this out then you're going to be in a lot of trouble, especially if you think they're going to straight out and tell you that they don't really have any strong feelings for you...they will never say that completely, only half way...and anything half way, you should know to walk away like automatically, without question or needing a boot to your face. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He doesn't want to be emotionally responsible for taking your virginity nor does he want to continue going without sex. You two are fundamentally incompatible at this point in your lives. Let him go. If you have sex with him you will only end up hurting yourself & you will regret giving him your virginity.
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Wow, what a nice guy! Most guys would not consider your situation to the extent that he did, especially because he knows he's leaving in a year. The use of the word "think" does not mean he's not committed to what he's telling you. He's just trying to soften it a little, that's all. You've got to listen to the words he's telling you. He's not saying these things because he's selfish.
preraph Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Dump him. Be glad he was honest. He is not looking for a girlfriend, but he probably is looking for just sex, and he's at least nice enough not to take your virginity. 1
irresolute Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 If say, go ahead and have sex with him. 27 and a virgin doesn't sound good to me but it's just my point of view. You only have one life to libve and you're wasting your better years. So yeah, go have sex and experiment what a man looks like and then say goodbye because it's obvios this guy is not into you. He's being nice and he seems a good guy though. 1
Toodaloo Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He doesn't want to be emotionally responsible for taking your virginity nor does he want to continue going without sex. You two are fundamentally incompatible at this point in your lives. Let him go. If you have sex with him you will only end up hurting yourself & you will regret giving him your virginity. This and mightycpa. He doesn't want to hurt you because he does like you and thinks you are a nice person but he also knows that you are not compatible as partners. Time to lick your wounds and move on. 1
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 If say, go ahead and have sex with him. 27 and a virgin doesn't sound good to me but it's just my point of view. You only have one life to libve and you're wasting your better years. So yeah, go have sex and experiment what a man looks like and then say goodbye because it's obvios this guy is not into you. He's being nice and he seems a good guy though. I get what you are trying to say, but this is terrible advice. The OP has feelings for this guy, and being that he would be her first sexual partner, feelings of emotional attachment would likely intensify after sex. He already told her he has no interest in a relationship. The result would be heartbreak for the OP. I am also 27 and, no, I can't imagine still being a virgin, but it's the path that the OP has chosen and this is hardly the way to end it. 1
irresolute Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 It's best she lose her virginity with a guy who cares and not with a jerk. Op looks highly naive and anyone could hurt her. This guy looks like a good guy and besides, she'll have sex knowing that he's not interested in anything more. Who knows, maybe he'll fall for her afterwards. I mean a virgin at 27 might seem cute for some
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 It's best she lose her virginity with a guy who cares and not with a jerk. Op looks highly naive and anyone could hurt her. This guy looks like a good guy and besides, she'll have sex knowing that he's not interested in anything more. Who knows, maybe he'll fall for her afterwards. I mean a virgin at 27 might seem cute for some How about a guy who cares and is ready for a committed relationship? They aren't fantasy creatures. I agree she shouldn't lose her virginity to a jerk, but just because he is a nice guy doesn't mean he is the right guy for the task. If he doesn't fall for her afterwards (and I'm guessing he won't, given his circumstances and prior admissions), the OP would likely be crushed. OP, I think you need to find someone more emotionally available. 1
marie55567 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 You deserve better and you'll find the right person. He did the right thing instead of leading you on. I been in this situation where the guy didn't want to commit. There are plenty of guys out there. Also go for someone who's alittle more older.
contact1 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I find it shocking how some people are saying to "dump" him, as if somehow he is being a bad guy here, how awful of him for being so honest and not wanting a relationship . OP, if you want your first experience to be with someone who will be in a committed with you, sadly it will not be with this man. He has made it very clear that it will not happening, and trying to think otherwise is just giving yourself false hope. If that is what what is truly important to you, than it would be best for yourself to bring the relationship to a close, not "dump" him as some have put it. Be honest and he will understand, since he was honest with you.
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