kolleamm Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 5 month relationship just ended because she was cheating on me, and as soon as we split she got together with another guy faster than the speed of light. Anyways I feel the same way Europe felt after WWII right now, in complete ruins. I have no drive to message women anymore on any dating site nor even attempt to talk to them in real life with any intimate goal in mind. I really would like to pick myself back up, but I have never felt so worthless in my life. How does one go on after fighting so hard for so long to find someone, only to find out they weren't who you really thought they were? I don't have women knocking on my door where I can just say next. Finding someone is really a dreaded adventure which I hate taking. It's really hard for me to shut off my emotions and focus on myself and "hobbies". What do I do now?
organizedchaos Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 5 month relationship just ended because she was cheating on me, and as soon as we split she got together with another guy faster than the speed of light. Anyways I feel the same way Europe felt after WWII right now, in complete ruins. I have no drive to message women anymore on any dating site nor even attempt to talk to them in real life with any intimate goal in mind. I really would like to pick myself back up, but I have never felt so worthless in my life. How does one go on after fighting so hard for so long to find someone, only to find out they weren't who you really thought they were? I don't have women knocking on my door where I can just say next. Finding someone is really a dreaded adventure which I hate taking. It's really hard for me to shut off my emotions and focus on myself and "hobbies". What do I do now? You do nothing. You just do you for awhile.
salparadise Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I'd say most of us have been there at one time. A few suggestions... give yourself some time with the understanding that it's normal to feel like this when a relationship ends, especially in that way. Your brain chemistry is whacked right now; understanding that cognitively can help you accept that it's ok and you will equilibrate. Commit to doing a little something extra for yourself every day, even if you don't feel like it––prepare a nice meal, walk, run or go to the gym, write in a journal, take care of something you've been procrastinating. The point is to be in touch with and express your love, respect and acceptance for yourself, and to make a little bit of progress every day. The effect will compound. Do that for a month and you'll feel differently. You were treated badly. That does not in any way make you worthless. You need to dispel that crap instead of reinforcing it. If you can't do that for yourself then get to a counselor asap and learn to self-affirm.
newmoon Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 it's all about time, it really is. you just move forward one day at a time until there is more and more distance between you and the past relationship. we've all been in your situation and (eventually) it gets better. time heals. just go day by day and expect those thoughts and feelings, it's normal. and (eventually) they will pass. you can't meet someone worthwhile when you don't think of yourself positively. you have to heal first.
Frank2thepoint Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 How does one go on after fighting so hard for so long to find someone, only to find out they weren't who you really thought they were? I know this feeling very well, because this has happened to me three times the last two years. It's the unfortunate consequence of the mating dance. It's really hard for me to shut off my emotions and focus on myself and "hobbies". What do I do now? If you are emotionally charged right now, then perform some catharsis. Exercise or just lie in bed and cry. Somehow find a way to get out your emotions. But time heals all pain. Give yourself time, don't focus on masking the hurt by getting into another relationship.
Lokin4AReason Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 its tough nor easy in any stand point .... it ll be an emotional roller coaster for a bit, and it has to come out ... I hit bottom awhile ago ( and you need that to let the healing process begin ), and you just take a day at a time. do not make far reached anytime soon ( you are not ready for that ) ..... you just need to socialize and meet people, with same and different interest(s) ... you need to get out and make friend(s) ( that is what I am trying to do ) spent time in knowing and reinventing yourself, maybe an old hobby you used to have. just something positive =0)
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You lost something. You need to take some time & grieve for that loss. It's OK to sit back & lick your wounds for a while. If you just has surgery you would not expect to run a marathon the next day. Give yourself the rest of the month, because February can be particular brutal. Make sure you have something to do on the 14th to keep your mind occupied, even if it's a binge marathon of your favorite TV show. 1
TouchedByViolet Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I know how you feel... your feelings toward your ex combined with having to enter the dating game at some point sucks big. I have no solution, but can empathize 100%
HurtOfGlass Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Your rock bottom is nothing compared to me. Its just the bottom of a bucket. You can easily get up. My girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me too. And after break up I fell into an abyss of depravity. I went to the brothel 22 times and beat up random people on the streets who ticked me off. Even the things I did in those brothels are very disturbing. If you want to know my story, read these 2 threads. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/512314-new-here# http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/514069-she-really-serious All you need to know now is you deserve better, get back that "I don't give a damn" attitude and get proper help (counselling, I even did not have that facility but you do). Man up....
Author kolleamm Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Thank you for your help everyone I really appreciate it.
insert_name Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I dont know what to say apart from there is always someone worse off. 5 months to me would be an eternity of bliss regardless of whether she cheated. I get 1-2 dates then have to dust myself down and start the courtship ritual with a new girl again. So in that sense believe me when I say you have my sympathy. It really does suck to feel like you make some real progress only to find yourself having to dust off that OLD profile and out yourself back out there. It takes the sort of perseverance I don't know whether I have got, considering that for guys like us finding just 1 girl that we click with is hard enough let alone finding 2 in quick succession. I cant give you any answers all I can say is that I appreciate how you feel probably more than most do. You just have to keep going because you don't really have much other choice, unless you can find some way to switch your sexual orientatiion. Some days I wish it was as easy as that.....
Author kolleamm Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 I dont know what to say apart from there is always someone worse off. 5 months to me would be an eternity of bliss regardless of whether she cheated. I get 1-2 dates then have to dust myself down and start the courtship ritual with a new girl again. So in that sense believe me when I say you have my sympathy. It really does suck to feel like you make some real progress only to find yourself having to dust off that OLD profile and out yourself back out there. It takes the sort of perseverance I don't know whether I have got, considering that for guys like us finding just 1 girl that we click with is hard enough let alone finding 2 in quick succession. I cant give you any answers all I can say is that I appreciate how you feel probably more than most do. You just have to keep going because you don't really have much other choice, unless you can find some way to switch your sexual orientatiion. Some days I wish it was as easy as that..... Thank you I appreciate it. Either way the damage is done and I really do have a better understanding of what people especially those on here have gone through after all this. She's got a million guys knocking on her door to ask her out. This is what happens when you string someone along... My hatred for someone has never been so big in my entire life.
insert_name Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Thank you I appreciate it. Either way the damage is done and I really do have a better understanding of what people especially those on here have gone through after all this. She's got a million guys knocking on her door to ask her out. This is what happens when you string someone along... My hatred for someone has never been so big in my entire life. Oh trust me, that really pisses me off. Women to a certain extent can be 'devil may care' with their affections because they can be confident that guys will be beating their door down to wine them and dine them if you slip up. Us guys get told 'theres plenty more fish in the sea' but for some of us (especially those that work in technology) its like that meme: 'theres plenty more fish in the sea...but you're not in the sea, you're in the desert. Alone.' Its got to the point where I am so pessimistic about women and their intentions that I have no faith left that for the perennially single male its possible to escape. It feels like I am waiting for a woman to come along and prove me wrong- but its been so long already with people pacofying me with lines like "it will happen eventually!" that I honestly cant see it happening. We just have to get on with life and make ourselves happy , as hard as that is. So that we are in a position to decide if we even want to let a woman in when the time comes, rather than bend over backwards to accommodate her in our lives to the detriment of all the things that gave our lives meaning before they showed up. Just because we are single doesnt mean they still shouldnt have to earn our affections. 3
Author kolleamm Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 Oh trust me, that really pisses me off. Women to a certain extent can be 'devil may care' with their affections because they can be confident that guys will be beating their door down to wine them and dine them if you slip up. Us guys get told 'theres plenty more fish in the sea' but for some of us (especially those that work in technology) its like that meme: 'theres plenty more fish in the sea...but you're not in the sea, you're in the desert. Alone.' Its got to the point where I am so pessimistic about women and their intentions that I have no faith left that for the perennially single male its possible to escape. It feels like I am waiting for a woman to come along and prove me wrong- but its been so long already with people pacofying me with lines like "it will happen eventually!" that I honestly cant see it happening. We just have to get on with life and make ourselves happy , as hard as that is. So that we are in a position to decide if we even want to let a woman in when the time comes, rather than bend over backwards to accommodate her in our lives to the detriment of all the things that gave our lives meaning before they showed up. Just because we are single doesnt mean they still shouldnt have to earn our affections. I agree with everything you said. I don't think we should ever give up on finding love, I just think it's extremely disturbing to know how expendable we are as men. One wrong move and your out. How twisted. 1
insert_name Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Dont get me wrong I dont mean to be critical of women- just saying that most seem to be out for a good time these days and thats not what I am looking for. Im trying to find a relationship but seem to be caught in a cycle of a handful of dates and then I become disposable because its so hard to keep a girls attention off the next guy that comes along. I accept that to a certain extent but after a while the constant sense of competition and the lack of security really gets tiresome. it would be nice to meet a girl where it all clicks into place with ease for a change and the unique qualities that make me me are entirely enough for a girl (and her for me) without her needing to move on for yet more validation elsewhere. I dont think I have ever been less convinced that this is possible for me though. Times have changed a lot since the days when I was really successful with women. Its so tough these days trying to stand out and there is very little margin for error before interest is lost. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Us guys get told 'theres plenty more fish in the sea' but for some of us (especially those that work in technology) its like that meme: 'theres plenty more fish in the sea...but you're not in the sea, you're in the desert. Alone.' I have to disagree with this. I work in the technology field and if I pursue, I can get a date or three with a woman. Granted my challenge is finding a quality woman that will actually have her sh*t together, but being a bit aggressive and positive helps in just meeting and dating a woman.
BlueIris Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Utterly confused…. You said you were trying to break up with a 19 year old a couple of weeks ago, and mid-January you were so frustrated with OLD you quit.
insert_name Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I have to disagree with this. I work in the technology field and if I pursue, I can get a date or three with a woman. Granted my challenge is finding a quality woman that will actually have her sh*t together, but being a bit aggressive and positive helps in just meeting and dating a woman. So your career doesnt hinder your chances of meeting women through friends? I work in software development and its a killer, its mostly males in the office and they Either settled down straight after uni or the ones who are single have no interestin women and spend their spare time playing online games or Magic the gathering type card games. My only options are OLD or meetup. Either that or a complete friend transplant...
Elituf Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I'm struggling going through a 4 year relationship and someone I lived with for the past three years completely blindsiding me and leaving while I was a few days away from proposing to her because I thought everything was perfect, but I know ill get through it weather I believe it or not I know it will happen It was only five months your not at rock bottom, you will be fine. 1
Author kolleamm Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 I'm struggling going through a 4 year relationship and someone I lived with for the past three years completely blindsiding me and leaving while I was a few days away from proposing to her because I thought everything was perfect, but I know ill get through it weather I believe it or not I know it will happen It was only five months your not at rock bottom, you will be fine. Thanks I appreciate it.
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