Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) I have never heard of such a term. I didn't even think this term existed. But I told a friend that I am dating a few guys at once. I'm not sleeping with anyone of them just dating here and there. My friend told me I was being a bit of an emotional slut, because I have my finger in each pie and not committing to one guy in particular. He kind of said it jokingly but I could tell there was some sort of seriousness to his tone. Since when did dating several guys at one constitute as "emotional sluttyness"? and since when did this phrase even come about in pop culture? Am I missing something here? I date several guys at once because I think that's okay I don't think I should be condemned for it? Am I <right> about this? Edited February 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Satu Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 As long as none of them think you are into anything exclusive with them, and you're being open and honest, you're not doing anything wrong. Tell your friend to button it. 3
MrMeh Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 'Slut' is a ridiculous word as it is. No need to be irked by his comment. 2
travelbug1996 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He is a lame hater. Do you until you find the one. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Women tend to use the word "slut" when referring to a woman she doesn't like, especially if that man is her BF and is sleeping with said woman. A lot of guys aren't going to think kindly of you dating them as well as other guys at the same time...they're going to figure "what's the point?" or is she just playing games/or full of herself (entitlement)...and nothing makes a guy feel better than knowing you might be sleeping with random men at the same time that you are dating or could be, which of course you will say you are only sleeping with one or none at all....not that any sensible man would believe you, unless of course he's participating in the same actions himself or has a GF somewhere in the background...then he might pretend to be on your side for the sake of his own behavior. Either way, in a guys eyes you're kind of being a "player" but since women tend to care about more things than the actual sex, they feel like what they're doing is ok. If you feel what you are doing is ok, then be honest with the people you are dating and they will confirm for you whether it's ok for them and you. You're the people involved in the situation, if they are ok with you dating multiple people at a time and they choose to stick around then you're not bothering anyone else that matters and playing by the "rules"...but if you're saying something is ok without the actual knowledge, and you're essentially speaking for the other person and their opinion, then you're kind of trying to cheat the system and making an assumption that it's ok for YOU to do something that not might be ok with the other people involved. It's not only your opinion and decisions that count..if it involves or affects other people. Especially if you're dating multiple people over the course of more than a few dates and that person assumes you have some kind of exclusivity, which people always tend to assume based on how they feel. They might be so interested in taking you out after all, and I'd suggest you'd pay for yourself so you don't make men feel taken advantage of in their pocket book. 5
Ebelskiver Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 What a jerk. A real man knows that if you've gone to grab coffee with him once that you are NOT in a relationship and you are free to do something with another man. I've seen this called multi-dating on this site. Some people seem to think it's dishonest, but if everyone is on the same page I see no problem with it. And to use such emotionally charged words as "emotional slut" to make you feel bad for it is so......unevolved. 2
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I think you're doing the right thing. It's a big world out there, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating a bunch of guys; in fact, I think it will do you a lot of good. After a while, you'll know what you're looking for, and you'll understand that the grass is not always greener. Sometimes it is, but not all the time. On the other hand, dating one person at a time and going exclusive only to find that it isn't working, then doing that over and over again, well, that's just a waste of perfectly good time, not to mention who knows if he's passed up someone who could be right for him. In fact, I'd say that he suffers from premature exclusivity! 3
Andy_K Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You say you're not sleeping with any of these guys and it's okay for that reason. But the question is... If you were only dating one of them, would you still not have had sex? Because if you would, then the deliberate withholding of sex due to the fact you're seeing other guys, past the point where you both like each other enough to, that's the emotional sluttiness. Getting mutual feelings/interest/desire sparked with multiple guys. If the guys have all been told that you're seeing other people then fine. But if you've kept your mouth shut about that and expected them to assume you're dating others, you're no better than the guy who promises a girl the world, till she finds out three months later he's been sleeping with other girls, and says it's okay because you never had an exclusivity talk... 2
hudson701 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 So OP.... As a woman, do you think that it's ok for men to multi-date women at the same time? Because what men get typically labelled as then is a 'player'. Your male friend is on point. As a man, I totally get where he is coming from.
gaius Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Come on daisy, when an opposite sex friend has a negative reaction like that in regards to your dating or who you're attracted to, it only means one thing. It's his attraction for you seeping out. 2
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 So OP.... As a woman, do you think that it's ok for men to multi-date women at the same time? Because what men get typically labelled as then is a 'player'. Your male friend is on point. As a man, I totally get where he is coming from. Hudson, with all due respect, unless the man is sleeping with all those women he's dating, he isn't much of a player. Apples to apples, my friend. 2
kendahke Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I have never heard of such a term. I didn't even think this term existed. But I told a friend that I am dating a few guys at once. I'm not sleeping with anyone of them just dating here and there. My friend told me I was being a bit of an emotional slut, because I have my finger in each pie and not committing to one guy in particular. There is no such term in the way he's trying to insult you. That's what dating is about... you see who you have connection with until you are ready to choose. Totally your right and prerogative. He kind of said it jokingly but I could tell there was some sort of seriousness to his tone. There is truth is jest--he was being serious with you and trying to hide it as a joke. But there is nothing funny about his stunted view of this. No one is owed fidelity in the dating phase. That comes in the relationship phase after you both have had a talk and decided together that you are going to proceed in an exclusive then committed relationship--it is here when sex enters into the picture. Period. The way he's thinking is that just because a guy has an interest in you, that makes him entitled to to demand exclusivity with you and he is dead wrong on that. Exclusivity isn't the first stage of interaction with another person who has full rights to determine their destiny and happiness. Since when did dating several guys at one constitute as "emotional sluttyness"? and since when did this phrase even come about in pop culture? Am I missing something here? I date several guys at once because I think that's okay I don't think I should be condemned for it? Am I write about this? You are completely in the right on this one, Daisy. He's got issues--serious ones; the predominate one being an over arching sense of entitlement. There is no such thing as emotional sluttiness except in the mind of a guy who is not emotionally mature and thinks just because he likes someone, they owe him a relationship on his terms. He is a child, not a man. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Your "friend" doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. I never heard of the term. As long as you are not giving anyone the impression that you are exclusive, you are free to date as many people as you like. 1
kendahke Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 i think you're doing the right thing. It's a big world out there, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating a bunch of guys; in fact, i think it will do you a lot of good. After a while, you'll know what you're looking for, and you'll understand that the grass is not always greener. Sometimes it is, but not all the time. On the other hand, dating one person at a time and going exclusive only to find that it isn't working, then doing that over and over again, well, that's just a waste of perfectly good time, not to mention who knows if he's passed up someone who could be right for him. In fact, i'd say that he suffers from premature exclusivity! ^^^^this^^^^truth^^^^
kendahke Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Hudson, with all due respect, unless the man is sleeping with all those women he's dating, he isn't much of a player. Apples to apples, my friend. thank you! This conflating terms that have nothing to do with what is going on is really getting old.
kendahke Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 So OP.... As a woman, do you think that it's ok for men to multi-date women at the same time? Because what men get typically labelled as then is a 'player'. and when they come here complaining that they're only dating, haven't had sex, but expect exclusivity with the guy, I remind them that they have had no declaration to that intent and that he's free to date whomever he wants to until he's made a declaration of his intent to be exclusive and committed to them. Stop conflating dating with relationship--they are two different universes.
preraph Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 It's called dating. But I agree it's up to you to let each guy know on the first date that you are "dating around" at the moment getting to know different people to see if anything develops. You can emphasize you're just going out on dates, not staying in on dates so they don't think you're sleeping with all of them. The ones who don't like it are free to bail. 2
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 If you want any more confirmation that you're doing the right thing, read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/514230-i-ve-been-played A clear case of premature exclusivity if I've ever seen one.
Erised Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 The term slut is pretty rubbish anyhow. As long as you're being completely honest, you're not doing anything wrong. A guy doing the same and being completely honest and not misleading also isn't doinganything wrong. It's only when you attempt to explicitly or implicitly mislead so your desires are still met that it's wrong.
O'Malley Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 If your friend enjoys dispensing opinions, I'm sure he'd be fine with your suggestions on what he's doing wrong in his dating life. Most of our grandparents multi-dated; they just didn't use that term in those days. Be honest that you're seeing other men and these guys can decide if they're fine with that or not.
GoodOnPaper Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 It's called dating. But I agree it's up to you to let each guy know on the first date that you are "dating around" at the moment getting to know different people to see if anything develops. You can emphasize you're just going out on dates, not staying in on dates so they don't think you're sleeping with all of them. The ones who don't like it are free to bail. I think this is just as inappropriate as the friend insulting the OP for multi-dating. In such a first-date scenario, if we don't know each well enough to have earned the right to share the details of our day-to-day lives, then I don't want to know if you are dating 1, 2, or 50 guys simultaneously. Is it worth alienating your date right off the bat if he knows his attachment style isn't compatible with multi-dating or he otherwise just doesn't have the opportunity to date more than one woman at a time? Personally, I'd feel pretty foolish knowing that I'm one of 4 or 5 guys being juggled while she's the only one I'm dating. 2
RuKiddingme Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) I have never heard of such a term. I didn't even think this term existed. But I told a friend that I am dating a few guys at once. I'm not sleeping with anyone of them just dating here and there. My friend told me I was being a bit of an emotional slut, because I have my finger in each pie and not committing to one guy in particular. He kind of said it jokingly but I could tell there was some sort of seriousness to his tone. Since when did dating several guys at one constitute as "emotional sluttyness"? and since when did this phrase even come about in pop culture? Am I missing something here? I date several guys at once because I think that's okay I don't think I should be condemned for it? Am I write about this? Multi-dating...and then I hear about how guys are all about playing games. If I was one of those guys, I would forget about you in a flash. Don't get me wrong, nobody should be calling anyone a slut but the whole multi-dating thing is such a turn off. It leads to so much confusion, back stabbing, second guessing and at the end of the day, it's just a game. Edited February 6, 2015 by RuKiddingme
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I think this is just as inappropriate as the friend insulting the OP for multi-dating. In such a first-date scenario, if we don't know each well enough to have earned the right to share the details of our day-to-day lives, then I don't want to know if you are dating 1, 2, or 50 guys simultaneously. Is it worth alienating your date right off the bat if he knows his attachment style isn't compatible with multi-dating or he otherwise just doesn't have the opportunity to date more than one woman at a time? Personally, I'd feel pretty foolish knowing that I'm one of 4 or 5 guys being juggled while she's the only one I'm dating. Really? So, how would you like someone like this to respond to you when you ask them out? I mean, wouldn't you like to know if someone was a multi-dater before you took them out? If you think you're wasting your time with somebody, wouldn't you like to know so that you don't get as far as a first date? Or is that not a criteria of the first date, only the second? How exactly does this work in a practical sense? Given that you can't create rules that everybody follows, it only seems reasonable that part of your request for a date includes a disclosure that you only like to date people who aren't seeing anybody else. Do you do that? Doesn't that limit the field? 1
GoodOnPaper Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Really? So, how would you like someone like this to respond to you when you ask them out? I mean, wouldn't you like to know if someone was a multi-dater before you took them out? If you think you're wasting your time with somebody, wouldn't you like to know so that you don't get as far as a first date? Or is that not a criteria of the first date, only the second? How exactly does this work in a practical sense? Given that you can't create rules that everybody follows, it only seems reasonable that part of your request for a date includes a disclosure that you only like to date people who aren't seeing anybody else. Do you do that? Doesn't that limit the field? When sex or the exclusivity talk enters the picture, then it becomes my business. By that time, hopefully, the issue of whether we like each other enough overshadows the routes that we each took to get to that point. 1
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 When sex or the exclusivity talk enters the picture, then it becomes my business. By that time, hopefully, the issue of whether we like each other enough overshadows the routes that we each took to get to that point. So I'm truly trying to understand this. You don't want to know about the other guys until you begin to talk about sex and/or exclusivity. It is at that point that you want to know that you're not the only one, even though you're only dating one person? Aren't you at least somewhat emotionally invested at that point? Wouldn't this mean that you are a little blindsided by the news? 1
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