4 days into no contact and still lost

[Jonjon4728]

Okay I'll try to summarize this quickly/

My girlfriend and I were together about 8 months, but we go back over 17 years;

Her brother that passed away in 2008 was my best friend in the world, so much so that I have his initials on my arm;

So I've known this girl forever;

We have been great friends since his passing;

Back in 2013 we got drunk and slept together and hung out for four days, I thought we were in a relationship or starting out, it felt implied, I mean we spent the night together ever night those four days;

She asked me to go out the fourth night to a concert and I showed up and she completely blew me off and actually walked out hand in hand with another guy right in front of me, the singer of the band, who just happened to absolutely suck at singing(I'm a musician)

I was devastated words were exchanged the next day and we weren't friends again for a year;

Eventually forgiveness took over and we started hanging out a lot when she came back to town;

We got physical and basically got into a relationship pretty quickly;

The first two months were magical, we knew each other already so we skipped most of the awkward phases of relationships, saying I love you was already the norm;

Had a fantastic sex life;

Things were going well;

One day she purchased a new pair of running shoes about two months into the relationship;

I encouraged her to run in them and she took it the wrong way and quit running entirely;

Not only that but she blamed me for it and would throw it in my face;

I am an extremely in shape guy and I was made to feel guilty to the point that I eventually quit working out myself;

I feel like I've pinpointed that as the beginning of our downfall;

I wasn't myself due to the lack of exercise and endorphin release, and wee fought a lot;

Not only that but she lives with her mom and when we would get into even the tiniest arguments, her entire family would know all of the gory details, so the next day I would nt only be walking into a room where my gf is mad, but her entire family, mom breother sister in law and grandma were also pissed;

It was like walking into a war zone;

I became depressed and withdrawn and secretive;

I wasn't perfect either, I can admit;

She tried breaking up with me once a month for about the next five months, it was torturw;

I felt totally inadequate and she would tell me I didn't have a backbone, nitpick everything about me, and just generally treat me like ****;

Something as simple as sleeping at night and accidentally elbowing her during sleep would lead to massive fights, all day problems, it was brutal;

I had these red flags to leave, but I couldn't get over our close linked history and the whole "united by tragedy" story;

In retrospect I realize that i was in a very abusibe relationship, but somehow clung to the idea that we were "destined to be together"

Looking back, I woulda never put up with all that **** with anyone else not even close;

Fast forward to about two months ago I got back into gambling bad again and that made me even more withdrawn;

We got in a big fight and she called me a douchebag with no backbone and a pussy;

It was like I could never win;

Ever;

No matter what I did I was wrong

 

This is now December and she broke up with me but I couldn't beg her back this time;

It was real;

I confessed to the gambling and lying and she got all bent outta shape and it was official;

I promised to cut that out and turned my life around, quit all the gambling, got my **** together, and we had been trying to work it out got back with her officially two weeks ago then I said some mean things not a huge deal not break up worthy but stil hurtful the next night;

She broke up and the very next night slept by another guy;

Yet I was still trying to work itnout and we were texting we talked five hours on the phone the night before the big event occurred;

 

She went to a bar and so did I she was asking for space but then I showed up anyways and we were trying to talk and she said "I am so overwhelmed can't be near you;

Your making me want to go **** someone else **** you"

I left the bar worried text her that I was then the next day she text me ya something happens I ****ed another guy **** you it's over get over it;

Had to put the nail in the coffin she said but at last I'm honest she was like proud;

Honesty was a big point to her and she was proud of her act;

I was devastated, cuz it was definitely official;

Came to find out the guy is seriously the ugliest guy in town like horrible rotten teeth , the ones he has anyways he's missing a lot of front ones anyways then I figured out who it was it was such a gut punch like damn you did that;

The whole week takin she kept saying your gonna **** someone your gonna **** someone and I said please I won't and please you shouldn't and don't tell me if you do she kept saying I would never do such a thing;

I have to live in this skin she said;

Then she did that and was proud;

Then I said:

 

It's like if I banged a toothless taxi girl it's literally THAT BAD I said that to her too like you are disgusting it was such a crazy thing to experience someone being that vindictive and proud of it too;

I figured it out and told her I knew who it was and said some very bad things, horrible, but I felt she deserved it;

I've been drinking now for fourteen days straight, I can't eat or sleep, I just feel sick;

Deep down I know it's a huge blessing we broke up;

It really is;

I know it;

My question I'm having I guess is how the hell do I get me schedule back in order and not feel the constant obsessive checking if she had gotten in contact with me;

I've ate more the last two days, I am starting to accept it, but their is still a nagging voice in my head saying "I can't live without her"

It's brutal;

I know I'm better off, but I am struggling so bad not t contact her;

I write all of this as I am at a bar praying she might show up, it's our old hang out spot;

Somebody help me!!!!

I've resisted so far I'm on day four it's getting a bit easier but still so hard to not obsessively check my phone and hope to run into her;

I need help!!!!

THANK TOU

[Jonjon4728]

God I hope someone sees this soon...

[Satu]

I would summarise it this way:

 

Alcohol.

[sober and dry]

First of all, please, stop drinking this is just making things even harder for yourself!

You are truly right when you say that the BU was a blessing! It was a very unhealthy RS, that's pretty obvious! So you shouldn't, by any length of measure, be thinking of getting her back or even thinking about reaching out to her. So stop, immediately, hoping that you find her because, if this happen it will also just make things harder, again.

Try to counteract any toughs of her or the RS by any means necessary, but obviously not with alcohol or drugs because this will simply not gonna work but also destroy any attempt to make it.

 

To stop the obsessive checking if she contacted it's easy, block her number, that way you wont even know if she tries to contact you.

 

Damn sure you can live without her! You know you can.

 

Start little by little. Make a mental check list of what you were doing before being in a RS with her like working out as you stated.

 

The priority and final goal for you is forgetting her and start to heal! Keep this in mind and act accordantly.

Edited February 6, 2015 by sober and dry

[Jonjon4728]

I ended up contacting her last nite cuz I saw the guy or thought I saw him at the bar;

I called her every name in the book sent the most evil thing I've ever said to anybody in my life;

We ended up actually corresponding a bit, and it's very clear to me that she absolutely hates my guts, which is fair because I hate hers too;

I gave an apology and I started over on the no contact thing just hours ago;

I blocked her on every format, even changed my email so I would not agonize over what I had said;

Funny thing is she is still not a bit guilty about any of it, in fact I think she probably takes glee in it;

This makes me totally realize how truly not meant to be we are;

This morning I drank a couple beers but I decided **** it I am done, threw the mother****ers all out;

I have had a lot of support from many friends, and will continue to look to them for it;

I am trying to reconcile with my guilt about saying all that **** and I know it will take some time;

I do have a guilty conscience but I am getting into therapy and addressing all of the issues that lead to me staying in this relationship this long out of some misguided hope;

I know I am not ready to hang with any girls and intend to really work on myself;

I've been writing a lot this past week and I figured out a lot of the underlying issues;

Contacting her was a mistake, but it won't happen again;

Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it;

I know I deserve to be loved by somebody thT supports all of my passions, not somebody that can hurt somebody like this without the slightest bit of honest guilt;

I am better off now